Getting there slowly....hugs along the way

[mammynowanauntyIRL]

A thread for those facing separation or divorce, whether by choice or your hand forced by spouses behaviour or actions.

We're all at different stages along the journey but need a virtual handhold in this friendly corner of mumsnet to help us along the way

Link to old thread in next post

Winter I hope the house move goes well. It's stressful enough when not combined with the pain of separation/divorce.

And you're right, we should give ourselves a break if we're not "coping" as well as we hoped. It's bloody traumatic frankly and you're right. Unlesd someone has been through it they can't understand.

I saw a mutual friend at the weekend who leaked details of the affair I wish I hadn't known. Ugh. It just brought it all back again.

Moocow wow, you have a decree absolute date. That is monumental. It sounds like it's still all so confusing and upsetting (of course) but I bet one day you will look back on that date as the start of the rest of your amazing life.

Yesterday was DD2's birthday and as it fell on ex's weekend I didn't spend it with her. I did go over and drop off her present and went to her party today but it's not the same.
I'm pissed that he has put me in this situation. Tonight the girls came back home and were, as usual, really difficult and demanding. I hate that they come back from his upset and naughty. It's not fair I have to deal with that.

Sunday night is never pleasant but ah well, back to the grind tomorrow.

Bookvan I crossposted with you but funny how similar our posts were about children's birthdays.
That is crazy logic your ex came yp with about the birthday "rules." We should call it EBD or "Ex bullsit doublespeak" for all the rubbish they come up with to justify their own behaviour.

Morning all. Hope everyone is doing ok.

@spritesobright it is only natural to reflect back and think how you may of done things differently. But the bottom line is that although things were challenging for whatever reason rather than tackle things they upped and left. Ex has done some pretty rubbish things in the past but I still wanted to make us better. He didn't. He went off and found ow. Be kind to yourself this is not our failing.

@Wintersnow17 thank you for the kind words. I was hoping after the year mark it would get easier. But just have to keep moving forward. Although I can't imagine how stressful moving must be at this time. I hope your new home gives you some peace and happiness.

@Moocow72 sorry to hear you are struggling. It's the happy families bit that hurts the most. But your children will remain loyal to you. But it is a rubbish situation however you look at it. I know. Hopefully in time we will all get more meh about it. Maybe not. I am sure my ex will start new family next year so that will be the icing on the cake. Just hope he actually does some parenting this time. Although Not my problem. Be kind to yourself. You have done so well to get this far.

@Bookvan hope your eldest had a nice day. Funny how they twist things to suit their argument. Hard I know but try not to give it any head space.

It is sad to hear other children are playing up. My youngest is a real challenge. I wish I had more patience with her. She is just trying to make sense of it all I know.

We had lovely weekend as ds birthday. Ex popped into see him last night as got a lot on this week and doesn't know when he will see him. It was strange having him in the house. Part of me was sad it shouldn't be like this and part of me glad his black cloud doesn't over shadow everything. I remember thinking he sucked the joy out of every special occasion in one way or another. So maybe a little progress being made.

Morning all, hope we all doing as ok as possible. Moo I’m sorry you’re feeling in such a rut. Although in some ways I’m coping ok, I’m also finding myself feeling like I’ll never be ok with how are family unit was destroyed. I’ll always carry resentment to an extent- perhaps I’m just burying it with all the changes going on for me. I know this has changed me forever.

eve sounds like an excellent birthday for your ds, and I hope your dd settles a bit. I think the trauma of what’s happened will effect them all differently, but that wasn’t our doing, we can only do the best we can and be as strong as possible for them. It’s not easy. bookvan I guess birthdays really bring the emotions to the fore. So many memories wrapped up with them from years past- plus having to put on a brave, happy face is so hard- it goes against everything you’re feeling on the inside. My ds 6th birthday was days before we split, I knew what was coming by that point. I tried to hold it together as he partied in his batman suit- trying to make small talk with some other parents and seem happy. It was awful and I had to escape to the park in floods of tears.

I’ve been staying at our now empty family home- the ghost house as I’m calling it. The first few nights were ok but the memories are hard to ignore. As i left for work just now I had to pass my ds’s old classmates and parents I used to see in the playground at pick ups and drop offs. He was so happy in that school and it just brings it all home the destruction of what she did, not so much for me but for my ds. Similarly when I sit in our garden I’m half expecting him to come running up to me...these memories seem to be getting stronger now.

I have had an offer accepted on a house just a few miles from my ex so soon me and my ds will hopefully have a new base, and we’ll make some new memories. Just need to exchange on our house, and I should be on my way. Struggling to hold it together on a busy commuter train writing this so I better go. Hugs all xx

Eve34 and Bookvan it sounds like we are all having trouble with children's behaviour resulting from the separation. It's so hard and incredibly frustrating. DD2 will scream and fight and then ultimately just cry and want to be held, cuddled. She never does it for her father
because he's a flight risk.

Last night I let her sleep with me even though she is a nightmare to sleep with because she is just so clingy right now and obviously needs that extra reassurance. She has started saying, "Mummy, I can't bear to live without you," which is definitely progress from when she would demand that I tell her I don't love her (obviously I wouldn't do that).

Lonelycrab congratulations on your offer being accepted. Your description of the Ghost House is quite evocative. I feel that way on the weekends when the girls are away and I'm in this big, rambling house on my own. It's crazy.

How awful to leave the school and all the friends you and DS have made there but you are forging on with a new life now and will make new memories I'm sure.

So, I've taken a page from your book Lonelycrab and have got myself on a certain dating website and set up a couple of dates. It has been exactly the distraction and ego boost I've been looking for. I'm just being honest about where I'm at now. Not looking for any emotional commitment but hoping to find a new "friend with benefits". I haven't been that overt online but essentially, that's what I need and can handle right now.

I've been open with ex about it and he can hardly complain given the circumstances but I also want it to be discreet. I am both terrified and giddy.

Sorry but meeting up with everyone's threads.
Having horrible time at the moment and hate how needy I'm becoming.
Ive managed to convince myself that it's all my fault for not appreciating him and driving him into her arms.For not showing him my love enough Even wailed my apology to him. God I hate what I'm becoming.

@Whatdyknow I know it is hard but try not to beat yourself up. We all change over time. The thing is when you are committed to someone you love and excepted them despite those changes. You don't get up find ow and walk away. You don't deserve that sort of person In Your life. Be kind to yourself and plan something you can look forward too. Small steps.

@spritesobright good for you getting yourself back out there. I do firmly feel that once you start meeting new people it helps with the healing process. That someone else will fancy you and/or love you. Take it as it comes and see where it takes you. Fingers crossed for you.

@Lonelycrab I don't think I will ever forgive ex for his behaviour in this. The future for our children has changed completely. And none of us wanted this set up for them. I know you will ensure that your ds has a fun filled happy life and that you being that much nearer to him will be a real positive for you both. Fingers crossed you get news any day about the exchange and you can start being the hands on dad you want to be.

Hope everyone else is doing ok. The sun is trying to come out here so hopefully a nice weekend for everyone to look forward too.

Thanks Eve34 yes, it feels new and refreshing already and has certainly taken my mind off ex. At least for now.

@whatdoyknow* Please don't be ashamed. We've all been there. We all would have done what we could to save the relationship because we are decent and committed and actually meant our marriage vows.

Bargaining is an important point in the grief cycle. It feels like you're being weak and caving in but actually it's a part of you moving on and trying to fathom this immense change in your life. Be easy on yourself.

I just had a colleague at work confess to me that he's caught his wife cheating (he has copied her incriminating text messages). I really feel for him so early in the process. I had confided in him when I wasn't coping at work which is obviously why he thought he could tell (nothing at all dodgy between us).

It did remind me though of that awful shock and denial you obviously get and that sick feeling in your stomach. But also of how far I've come since then. Poor guy. I think men have fewer people to confide in than women.

Yes, the sun is definitely out here (and the wind in full force) and I am loving it.

Hello all. Just need a hand hold. He's being a d**k. Posting pics on Facebook of them together, I saw by accident- sounds odd but true , no idea he'd be so callous and insensitive to put pictures of them on it together .why does he have to flaunt it? He wasn't like that before. We didn't do Facebook. I am distraught . Sorry. Low point with everything. And a glass of wine . Xx

Hi snow

I know how you’re feeling - I’m struggling to cope with ex having ow.

He hasn’t been flaunting it as such but I saw she’d changed her profile picture and he “loved” it. Felt like a real stab in the heart, him loving someone else after being with me for 30 years. But I need to stop social media I think - it’s not healthy and in this case ignorance is most certainly bliss.

If your ex is flaunting it, sounds to me like he’s determined to prove how happy he is - but often people like that aren’t genuinely happy and it’s all for show.

I guess our task is to get to the point where we don’t care either way. Feels a long way off for me but I know I will get there eventually.

In my case my relationship with ex was far from perfect and to be honest I seriously think I fell out of love with him a while back, so I need to remind myself of that when I get these feelings about him moving on. It’s just hard to accept after having so much of our lives together.

My feelings are all over the place at the moment. I just know the last six months or so have been hell and I am determined to sort myself out, even though at times I just feel like going to bed, curling up in a ball and sobbing my heart out.

Hugs xx

Sending lots of love Wintersnow the OW is the thing that I'm struggling with the most too. I've almost got myself to a point where I can see we are better off separate, our relationship certainly wasn't in a happy place when he left. But the idea of another woman being intimate with the man I genuinely believed I was going to spend the rest of my life with literally floors me :( My ex hated fb for the entire 12 years of our relationship, he never wanted to be on any social media, yet he is on fb now and that kills me too.

The only thing we can all do is keep on keeping on, one day we will all be able to look back and realise that everything truly does happen for a reason xx

@Wintersnow17 sorry to hear you are struggling. It is best to stay away from social media. It is only getting you more upset. And it is all for show. Ex has loads of picture of him and ow. Showing how happy he is. And to prove to everyone how right he was to walk away from his family. They aren't going to put up said quotes about how broken they are. Try and let go for your own mental well being

moo and winter I don’t know what to say but hugs and

In fact I’d like to send that to each and every one of you. It’s hard seeing everyone in such a bad place.

Hugs to you all, and..

Wow, sounds a lot of middle aged men are seemingly lacking in sufficient quantities of shame and decency by posting blatant pics of themselves and OW online.

on their behalf because you know everyone else on fb is not thinking "oh, how sweet!" they are thinking, "wow, that guy has zero shame and has clearly lost the plot thinking this is okay when he's STILL MARRIED!"

Seriously, one day you will look back at their bevaviour and laugh at how ridiculous it is, but I know for now it bloody hurts.

I was in a really good place this week and looking forward to my date and then ex texted me with some ridiculous nitpicky suggestions (more like demands) about the house renovations. Getting a text from him still feels like an ambush.

Our custody arrangement is that instead of the girls staying at his once a week(day) like he wanted, he comes by and does bedtime. I'm much happier with this than the girls sleeping at his on a school night but it does have the disadvantage that he is in my house while I'm not here (I go off to yoga).

Oh well, the renovations are nearly done so he can't nitpick any more about that. And then I'm planning to host some lovely dinner parties here without him!

Thank you for the hug, crab

Funny, but I offered a hug to my colleague who just found out his wife is cheating on him and he kindly declined and said he felt like punching something instead .

I am wondering if this is a gender thing because I never felt like punching something even at the height of ex's betrayal. But maybe that's just me. I struggle to channel my anger sometimes.

@sprite sounds like a great arrangement for the girls and you get to get out of the house without paying for childcare. Would he snoop or is it just his presence, and him looking at what you're doing to the place that bothers you?

hugs to everyone too especially those whose ex's have cheated and are flaunting it on social media.

Life is carrying on with us, H is staying out of my way and not taking his anger out on me, guess that's what getting the police involves achieves. Next week we have court hearing for protection order and tonight the guard said he'd ring me to update me

Thanks moo , pink , crab and everybody .I was really floored by it. I don't look at social media usually and didn't think he'd be there . Moo you and me are the same I think over 20 years together and how can he? I think you're right about him flaunting it to prove he's happy, like he's validated it. Pink - he would never dream of using FB before either but now he is , it's all about defiance and proving he's done the right thing to himself and others. Total lack of self esteem or decency. I don't know how long it's been on either, could be months or days. I hope Sprite us right about what everybody else is thinking. I hope they think he's got no shame and decency. I'm wondering why no one would say - don't you think that's inappropriate to him? I think Im more hurt that he could post pictures - he says he doesnt want to hurt me then this. I feel humiliated. Just when I though it wouldn't get much worse. Mammy good luck with what you're going through. Sprite I know what you mean about an ambush. I'm ok then wham you have contact and 3 steps back X thanks for your support all, struggled to get through work today but knowing there are people out here makes a difference xxxxx

Mammy I somehow missed that you were getting a protection order. Well done and at the same time that is brutal to have to get to that point. What a relief when it's in place though!

I don't think he's snooping exactly, just checking up on the renovations which is fair enough. It's just that he's a perfectionist but isn't here to help, IYSWIW.

Winter people may not say to his face that he's acting like a tw*t but they are certainly thinking it!

Yes winter I think sprite is right with that last bit.^^

I think posting “look how happy we are” photos on fb etc just makes you look like a fickle, shallow and insensitive idiot.

Morning all

Hope we are all feeling a bit brighter this morning.

@spritesobright hope the renovations are coming together. Regarding contact if it suits you that he comes to yours then stick with it. I know how horrible hard it is to see your children go. I couldn't have ex in the house and as soon as he got a place I went straight for eow. I don't like it. But the children have a right to a relationship with him. And also why should his social life not be planned around the children. Just do what suits you.

@mammynowanauntyIRL hope all goes smoothly for you next week. Stay strong. You are setting a really good example to your children that you won't let other push you around.

Hope everyone has something to look forward to this weekend.

Morning everyone. Sorry -I dip in and out at the moment but am reading and keeping up! Sometimes it feels like others have already said and experienced all the things I am going through and that's actually really helpful and supportive (although I wish no one had to go through it really). It makes me realise that even though STBX and OW think they are special and have fallen victim to a love bigger then themselves, they are actually exactly the same as hundreds of other cowardly and emotionally immature middle aged people.

@Wintersnow17 It seems like you consciously know that the Facebook stuff is all smoke and mirrors and trying to prove something. Hard when it takes a side swipe at you though. Embracing stuff like social media when he has never done before is all part of trying to reinvent himself maybe? And he wouldn't have to reinvent himself if he was happy with the person he has become. Imagine if this was someone else you knew posting similar in the same situation - you'd be thinking 'bloody hell - what a (inset expletive of your choice!J' and that's what others will be thinking about him.

@spritesobright I know completely what you mean about feeling like you're doing ok and then some kind of contact sets you back again. I wish STBX could just disappear off the planet. I know he can't and that there will always be and should be contact for the kids but from my point of view I would find it much easier if I never had to see or speak to him again.

@Moocow72 Had a similar thing with social media - STBX's birthday last week and OW posted some stupid 'will love you for ever' comment which he then loved. I had stayed 'friends' with him on Facebook as I bought it was a way to stay in touch with what kids were doing and I don't really post much anyway, but have now blocked him. The only reason anyone needs to post details of their relationship on there is to flaunt and provoke. If you're happy together there is no need to point it out publicly - am sure she had plenty of opportunity to say happy birthday to his face! I am much happier since I blocked him and defriended his family.

Sorry if I have missed this but why does your ex have any input into your renovations now @Wintersnow17 ? Will you be selling the house once they are done?

Does anyone else find the weekends tougher than the week?

I know I definitely do, but tomorrow I've planned for dc to do an activity from 12.30 - 2 which will take us out of the house for minimum 2.5 hours, and if my friend is available to meet while they're doing that we'll be away longer as I will do my grocery shopping also. Sunday we are out of the house for a similar amount of time so that makes it more manageable for me at least.

Hey diskdrive I think you meant me regarding renovations. Ex wants input because it's our joint savings going into it and yes, he wants to sell it eventually. Or he has said that's a possibility. I am adamant that I won't be selling it and he can F** off until the kids are 18 at least.

Oh, and he's a perfectionist with control issues. That's the real reason, of course.

He texted last night to say when he was picking up the kids tonight and I wrote back "Erm, you don't have the kids tonight. It's not in the diary." Then realised actually that suits me because I have this date so I didn't pick a fight and instead agreed. The girls are excited to see him anyways. And I don't have to wake up at 7 and take 2 kids swimming (love my kids but really hate taking them swimming).

diskdrive that's so true about the "special" fairy tale OW and your STBX have told each other. The truth is, loads of married people have sleazy, immoral affairs every day. The vast majority of these affairs do not last long at all and they soon realise that actually, relationships take commitment and honesty and yes, some compromise.

There is a "script" for men having a midlife affair on mumsnet and I swear, Ex matched it to the T, down to the speech he gave me about not being excited and loving me but not being in love.

They think they're so original but it's all a tawdry, tired stereotype.

Glad it's not just me who feels ambushed by my ex every time I see him. What kills me is that he's so bloody miserable and can't even manage a smile. I mean, come on. I suppose that's satisfying in a way that actually, he hasn't found fulfillment by buggering off and having an affair. But a smile wouldn't hurt!

Can I join this thread? I'm at the very start of the process after finally realizing I can't take anymore from my abusive husband. I have a thread on here 'How to end it - Please help'.