Getting there slowly....hugs along the way

[mammynowanauntyIRL]

A thread for those facing separation or divorce, whether by choice or your hand forced by spouses behaviour or actions.

We're all at different stages along the journey but need a virtual handhold in this friendly corner of mumsnet to help us along the way

Link to old thread in next post

eve34 I don't understand it either. How can a loving husband and father suddenly switch that off? It's heartless and cruel.

But please don't think that he's destroyed you. He might have broken you a bit, but you'll put yourself back together because you have to, for you and your dcs. They need you, and I think in most cases on this thread, we all get it together for our dcs, if their fathers are being bloody useless then we're all they've got.

Hi eve sorry to hear you’re so down. I think the amount of stress you’ve had to deal with this year is huge. We’ve all been let down badly by our supposed best friends but in your case he really has been spectacularly self absorbed and the weight on your shoulders must be immense. I know you are a strong, kindhearted person and you have so much to offer to the right person. I know he hasn’t broken you- you are still you but sometimes it feels like the person we are can only exist as part of the relationship we were in. I’ve felt like that many times this year and I still often wonder if I’ll ever get to feel how I did with my ex. But she never truly meant the things she said and my feelings of love were not really there from her at all and I think maybe it’s the same for you. Love isn’t something you just switch on or off. Saying you love someone is easy however.

Life is full of ups and downs. We assume that those we love will have our backs when the going gets tough like we do for them- but sadly until you get to one of those moments in life it’s just an assumption. When it mattered, they let us down and thought only of themselves. You’re probably right- he doesn’t give you much thought but that’s not because he changed I don’t think- I don’t think he ever gave you much thought in the first place. He gave you the impression that he did but that’s not the same, if he’d truly loved you like he said he would have made the effort to do whatever he had to stay as a family and not run away.

My ex simply didn’t care about what was best for our ds. If she did, she’d have listened to him saying how happy he was in our home together and his school and would have understood the pain that us splitting put him through. She would have understood how important his father being there was for him too. He was absolutely devastated and it will shape him in the future in ways not known yet. But like your ex- that didn’t matter- only what they want is important. I don’t think people become that selfish, I think they always were but we just never noticed.

Things have fallen apart for all of us in our different ways but I know you will get through this. We’re all going to be different people once we truly get out the other side and I personally think I will find it hard to trust anyone ever again- my guard will always be up to some extent. It may be many many years of being single, or it may be much less but if and when we do find love again, we will be stronger and wiser than ever before, and it will probably be a whole lot more real than the life we thought we had with our exes. Hugs to you xx

Hi all

I have a lot of catching up to do so just want to say hello to those who are new on this thread and hope you’re finding some comfort. I see eve has offered some sterling advice on more than one occasion

Crab - what a lovely post. Sums up so many of our situations so well.

I’ve been feeling very down lately (inwardly, of course outwardly I’ve just been carrying on as normal). Got so annoyed with ex messaging me tonight about his car insurance that I told him was up for renewal weeks ago (it was done with my email address as I used to sort all those sorts of things). When he left I gave him all his paperwork for his car etc so he has had ages to sort it and told him how to access the online documents.

But of course he hasn’t done anything and it expires tonight at midnight so got loads of messages this evening asking me when he bought the car, what claims he’d had etc etc and it just annoyed me so much.

I sent him (again) all the details of how to access the info he needed and then followed it up with a message saying I would prefer he only contacts me for essential things (not just things he can’t be arsed to find out for himself although I didn’t say that bit). I said of course anything about the kids was clearly an exception but other than that thought it was inappropriate to message me.

I then did something that in a way i regret but at the same time am pleased I got off my chest - I told him that the reason I was being curt was because having to send my
kids off a few weeks ago to chit chat with him and his girlfriend broke my heart in a way I never thought possible. And that in no uncertain terms I could never forgive him for putting me in that situation. I also said I had no choice but to accept it and I did but it would never be ok for them to have another mother figure in my eyes.

Needless to say he then went silent and I’ve heard nothing.

Disappointed in myself as I’ve let him know that he can still get to me, but at the same time the fact he has created this situation is something he has to take responsibility for. Yes there were faults on both sides in our marriage and yes our kids are great and have behaved unbelievably throughout all this but like you crab, I wonder what effects it may have on them in the future as clearly parents splitting up is traumatic at any age.

So my rollercoaster is at ground level at the moment - let’s hope the next climb is in sight.

Hugs to all xx

Morning all

Thank you for the kind words. Sometimes it just hits you. I wish I could just switch my feelings off. But I know it is going to take time. And that I will survive.

Moo. His silence speaks volumes. Well done for saying your piece. I too just feel ex actions are unforgivable. And I weep for how the future looks for the children moving forward. I Guess they don't give that any head space to ease their guilt. They Just want to say. Look everyone is happy. What a great guy I am for making this happen not seeing the upset inflicted on others.

eve34 I agree, they don't see the hurt they've caused. My dh gf wasn't the ow, but they got together 3 weeks after our 20 year relationship ended. Being so easily replaceable is a tough one to come to terms with and while I'm trying to move on, the feelings of worthlessness are always there. Not helped by the constant reminder of him, refusing to leave and going to his gf whenever he wants.

Can I join you? I've been following since the start of your last thread, the one started on nye! My partner of 11 years left me without any warning on 3rd Sept last year so I have just hit the one year mark. We have 2 children together, ds 9 & dd 6.

A year on emotionally I'm not doing as well as I would like, ex has been beyond useless for the past year. There was a (much older) ow and he has prioritised her over our children every step of the way. Thankfully the children don't know that she exists and for as long as I can keep it that way I will!

I've had 4 months of counselling which I've had to stop as I just can't afford it anymore :( and I'm about to start the freedom programme which I'm hoping will offer some help in breaking my attachment to my very toxic ex. I'm another one that is utterly terrified for my children's future. My dd has not coped well emotionally at all and has changed from a confident outgoing little girl to a very clingy anxious one.

Hi @pinksalmon. Sorry to hear you're also on this crap journey.

Haven't really caught up on others threads the past couple of days. Hope people are doing OK?
My OH had excelled himself by now, not only being unable to decide what he wants or find somewhere to go-I've given him suggestions - His ex from before our time ( 22 yrs) had now heard that we're separated ( he hasn't been that clear to me but still insists he's trying) and had been messaging him the past few nights saying she'll move anywhere to be with him. God is he over the moon. But which sweetie to choose. What a problem for a middle aged man to have.

Last night we had a bit of a home issue which meant we ended up having to share the bed for the first time in about 6 months. His phone kept going off and as he'd jokingly told me she'd been in touch I asked if it was her (ex not OW). He said no but then promptly left the room and straight on to MSN. Ffs what does he think he's doing!!!

Hi PinkSalmon of course you can join. I've been on here for while and I find myself not being able to keep up with the posts sometimes. I'm sure no one minds.
I also have a clingy, anxious little DD (4yrs) who was previously very confident and self-assured. It breaks my heart. And of course I'm the one who sees all her traumatised behaviour (hitting, screaming, violent language) because I'm the safe parent and DH is is a flight risk. Recently he took them on holiday for 10 days (longest we'd been apart) and it was really hard. Afterwards she told me she wanted to stay with me "every day, all the time" and not stay with her father at all.
I know she needs contact with him and he treats her well and loves her but it confirmed that I will fight tooth and nail for him not to have 50/50 custody like he wants. It's not what the children need or are used to and he's not thinking clearly about their needs.
Moocow don't kick yourself for getting things off your chest. He absolutely deserves to recognise how his actions affect you but more importantly, he has a cheek asking you about the car insurance at the last minute. Next time could you just ignore? OH has a habit of sending a series of escalating, angsty texts and I'm trying to come up with strategies for ignoring them.
I think realises later how irrational and unreasonable he's been but it's like the anxiety just overwhelms him and he texts ME to get it off his chest. Ugh.
Eve34 sorry you're having a hard time. Reading your post and bookvan's got me teary - standing up for yourself when you've been kicked down repeatedly is bloody hard and I'm so proud of all the posters, and myself sometimes, for getting back up again. It's tough.

Whatdyknow I am at your DH in bed, texting another woman! Just, there are no words for that kind of audacity and callousness. What's wrong with his ex telling him she'd follow him anywhere. Really!? She sounds a bit mentally unhinged tbh.

I'm back at work next week and kind of dreading it as everything kicks off in October. Plus the kitchen renovations still aren't done but telling myself to breathe, one step a time, etc. Tonight I need to sit down and go through the finances, again. Ugh. Might console myself with a G and T whilst I do that unpleasant task.

Hugs to everyone!

On the plus side, I've told DH that he needs to plan DD's birthday party because it's his weekend. (but I will be attending, of course). I swear he thinks the childcare I provided was 'easy' and he has severely underestimated the admin associated with children. I gave him a list of things to do because I want it to go alright for DD but he still keeps asking for help and direction (not in least feeling smug).

He is also going to have to face up to all my friends at the party (parents of DD's friends) who know exactly how he's behaved and are not at all pleased with him .

Hi everyone home you're all doing ok, some of these stories are just so shocking it makes my heart want to break for you as well as myself. I just keep wondering how I didn't see this coming.

I'm feeling a bit worried today. Ex had said for the last couple of months he would arrange mediation, I've asked a couple of times but he's fobbed me off. Today I asked again & he's said he won't do mediation & that he will arrange a meeting whatever that means?? I think he wants to go straight for solicitors but he is emotionally abusive so not sure if it's just words & hes trying to get to me. I'm left paying all the bills for the house so have no spare money & he has no outgoings other than a bit for our son & half the mortgage. He knows I cannot afford to go down that route.
There's not even any need to, I'm being civil to him, despite the fact he cheated. I'm letting him see our son regularly & being fair about splitting the money.

Sorry I'm ranting a bit but it's making me so sad. He's the one who cheated & walked out yet he's the one being vile to me it's just draining. I'm scared of what he will do as he's an absolute liar & only cares about what he wants, not what's best for our son

Sorry about the massive rant, just needed to get it off my chest!

spritesobright I can't even imagine being away from my kids for 10 days :( I'm hoping it's something I never have to face., I'm so sorry you had to go through that :( It's just not something you ever consider when you have children is it, that it might all go wrong and that you will be forced to part with them regularly. Thankfully my useless ex literally only has my two alternate Sat nights from 5pm on the Sat until 4pm on the Sun so not even 24 hours every two weeks! He was actually a pretty good dad when we were together but he definitely isn't anymore.

I also need to properly go through my finances, I've just been plodding along for the past year but I need to get a proper grip over everything really.

whatdyknow I can't believe that ur OH though that it was in any way ok to be messaging another woman while he was in the same bed as you 😳

Hi Rosiepicnic that is really rubbish. I find the finances bit so stressful so I know what you're going through.

Unfortunately mediation didn't work for us and I think it only works if both parties are fairly equal and being very fair minded.

You can also do collaborative family law and really he should pay for that as he has few outgoings.
Some solicitors also offer free initial consultation, which may be useful.

pinksalmon that's really kind. No, not what I had in mind having kids with him but I did try to make the most of my time alone.

I hope everyone's doing ok today.
After my breakthrough where I asked dh to leave, he sent me a message saying he wasn't going anywhere, I'm a bitch, I've destroyed our family, it's all my fault etc etc. I didn't bother replying. He's clearly still too angry to accept any part of the blame. Surely a broken marriage takes 2? There was no infidelity on either side.

So I got mad. And then I calmed down and came up with a plan.

I've applied for a mortgage, and have one in principle for nearly enough to at least cover the amount borrowed, if not his share of the equity. I can sell my car to raise the rest of the money. I'm self employed so have begged my accountants to do my accounts asap, hopefully I'll be able to borrow some more if it shows a slightly better profit.

I called my solicitor. She called him a knob and he's getting a letter gently suggesting that if this is to remain amicable, he needs to be reasonable and go, and to pay at least CMS minimum.

His pension info arrived and he left it lying around, so I copied it in case he's tempted to lie on the financial disclosure form.

I went out for dinner with a lovely friend (ex thinks I'm dating him, I'm not but didn't bother correcting him), we had a great time and I came home smiling for the first time in weeks.

Not sure how long this resourceful and resilient version of me will last. I'm exhausted, but I like having a plan of things to do.

@Bookvan that is fantastic. So good you have taken steps to get more control of the situation. He won't like that one bit. Be prepared for him to get angry once he has solicitors letter. He will Show his true colours.

As for blaming you. They have to do that to ease their guilt. I don't doubt I played a part ex and I had drifted. He was spending more time at the pub than at home. I wanted us to rebuild. But he had ow by then. Which he denied of course. Even though he was staying out all night. He hates me now. Which is very sad. I haven't changed. But I have stopped being a push over. And cut him off from me. How he thought we could be friends after such betrayal I don't know. But he has written me as the villain. If it makes him feel better so be it.

Stay strong you have done amazingly well.

Thanks eve34. Torn between trying to keep it civil and not being walked all over. You're right about rewriting history. Apparently it's all my fault, he was happy and I ruined it. The fact that I was miserable, struggling to juggle everything and working round him all the time doesn't count.

Tomorrow for example, I have to work for a couple of hours, ex is off work but won't have kids as he's going out drinking. I'll be back by 2.30pm. So now I have to take them to work with me which they hate, and I'm the bad guy in their eyes!

I wouldn't factor him into childcare. I know how hard that is. And you want to be amicable. But it gives him something to control you with. By either refusing. Or being late. You are doing well. Hang on in there.

Oh bookvan I'm so proud of you.
I know exactly what you mean about kids & work, mine actually plays mind games about this, he's working some sats & I do the very rare one, I break myself up trying to arrange things so that I only take kids for limited amount of time & when I've it all sorted he'll announce that he's not working at all or that he'll rearrange the other plans he's made so that he looks like such a great dad & that I should owe him one. FYI they're your children too bucko

I bit the bullet & went to see a solicitor on mon & the letter arrived today. I've intercepted it & will leave it out for him tomo when I head away for the night.
It requests an amicable separation putting the children's needs as priority.

I'm going to pack their birthcerts/passports & some spare clothes just in case the shit hits the fan too.

@mammynowanauntyIRL you sound like you are in a good place. And thinking logically. Keep safe.

Hope everyone is keeping ok? From my low the other day I'm back to feeling ok. Ex is showing his true colours. And it is good to know that as his life appears to be going to bits. I'm not part of it. Although there is a part of me that is concerned for his well being. I know it is misguided. He has no regret or concern for me. And something @Lonelycrab said. I don't think he ever really did love me. Not in any real way. It was superficial. Long may this period of calm remain.

Thanks eve currently in calm before next storm place though.
I'm doing really well mentally & emotionally but I wonder will I crash in time? Will the enormity of what I'm doing hit or will it be the relief of getting out?

Was just looking at him last night & thinking how did he fool me so much?

@mammynowanauntyIRL He didn't fool you. He changed the goal posts. Well that how I feel. I am still the same person I was 14 years ago. But had the joy sucked out of me after all the tutting and eye rolling and passive aggressive stuff.

Then complained I wasn't fun anymore. I grew up. We have kids and responsibilities. He wanted to dump kids at every party opportunity with a couldn't give a shit attitude.

They manipulate the situation to suit their cause. And to shift the blame. Hold your head high. You will come out the other side with your dignity in tact.

@eve34 that's my intention and to have a home that I look forward to coming home to.

Your h stayed a single man so despite becoming a father

Morning all, glad you feeling a bit better eve. The rollercoaster always goes up at some point I guess. The not loving you thing is quite hard to get your head around but it some ways makes it easier. I have many fond memories going back over ten years with my ex, but I’ve come to realise that I was just filling a role in her life that she wanted at the time- she didn’t actually love me, she just wanted to not be single and be doing the things that late 20 somethings do- buy a house and maybe start a family. The grown up stuff- the ups and downs of life she hadn’t considered though and when those came along and reared their ugly heads it was too much. Shame it took over a decade to get to that point. Still, onwards and upwards. My date is gorgeous and we’re really into each other which is nice. Feel like a bit of a teenager again!

mammy I have no doubt once you do this and start properly on the path to getting away from your ex you will feel a weight lifted from your shoulders. You are very strong and I admire your calmness in what is a very tough situation what with being around him all the time. It will be best for you and your dcs to get away from him- it all sounds quietly toxic and that’s a weary place to be I know.

bookvan keep it up! Sounds like your heads in the right place and you’re not letting him walk all over you. How men can not pay the cms money that they should is beyond me. I’m on a smaller wage than most, but I’ve always made sure that the payment are made. Loving you solicitor calling him a knob! Nothing like telling it like it is

Hugs all

Lonely it's fabulous to see the change in you from beg of thread to now, delighted you've met someone to have fun with it and that you can see your ex for what she is.

Shit has hit the fan here. He's just seen the letter from the solicitor asking him to move out and pay for the kids. But what did he expect? He didn't want to try again, so this is the reality of divorce. His job (shiftwork) means he can't have residency of the kids, and he can't afford the house, nursery fees, school dinners. I'm self employed and have some flexibility in my hours, income varies but I'm managing.
He did suggest I move out, leave the kids with him but look after them when he's working, which would mean a minimum of 4 nights a week, and he'd want time with his gf, so 5/6 nights. And I pay maintenance to him

This thread has been such a help to me, you're all amazing, I don't feel so alone knowing that others are going through it, we all have good and bad days but it seems like for most, the good days are starting to outnumber the bad.

@Bookvan are you safe there?
We really are at exact same stage but different circumstances

Will he see the light do you think or will it be a fight all the way?