Getting there slowly....hugs along the way

[mammynowanauntyIRL]

A thread for those facing separation or divorce, whether by choice or your hand forced by spouses behaviour or actions.

We're all at different stages along the journey but need a virtual handhold in this friendly corner of mumsnet to help us along the way

Link to old thread in next post

Hi everyone.
I'm guessing a few of us are just bracing ourselves for Xmas day. I'm just hoping I can keep it together and be as fun as possible for DS.
He's now angry with Ex as he's started to notice all of the absences and question them when previously he'd believed dad was working. Apparently he's just asked his dad something outright and is pretty sure he was lied to. How could anyone do that to their child in the name 'love'! - as in love of the OW.
We're trying to have a 'last nice Xmas' together as this is what DS wants but even he's not sure how he'll find it.
Hope everyone else has some fun things planned to do and plans if the DC are away over the holidays.

indeed here. Hope you all manage a peaceful one.x

Hi @getofftgetableplease.
How did you get on at the job centre? Hope it was helpful rather than making things worse.

*@getoffthetableplease. Doh butter fingers

I ended up in tears with a really nice, empathetic man actually, it felt good to be seen as a human there for a change!! Still wish I could talk about things without breaking down, mind. Ho hum, time will come, soon hopefully!!

I'm sure it will come. Always harder to keep it together with someone who actually listens. And it sounds like it was positive - so what if you broke down. You still went and sat and did what was needed.

Morning all and sending big hugs especially to getoff. It’s such a hard time those first few weeks, I was pretty much a useless quivering blob so well done for getting to your appointment, I’d be very proud to have achieved anything that early on. Things do get easier and the anger is all part of it- I still have moments when I feel incredibly angry at the destruction of it all and how it will affect my ds, I’m 11 months in.

He seems to be coping ok, reasonable happy infact and I hope that continues. We had our first night in my new house together just the other day so start of a new ere. I’m not gonna be sad to say goodbye to 2018.

Hi to whatdyknow too, I remember you popping by a few months back. I hope you get through the next few days ok. It sounds like you are used to being around your ex so hopefully it’ll be bearable if not enjoyable. It does sound like he’s making life harder than it needs to be by staying in the fh still. Hopefully in the new year you can look to separating properly and this will give you closure that your current setup makes difficult.

Hi to missbee too, the last bit of your first post really hits the nail on the head- they are the ones who have lost here- one day they might realise that. I was still picking myself up from the floor at 5 months, so keep going- soon hopefully you will fell stronger still. It was almost exactly the same time (11 years) when my ex showed herself to be an amazing self centred twat too and I know how it feels to realise you hardly knew the person you though you loved. But at least you know now and you don’t waste another decade with someone who cares so little.

Big hug going out to moo mammy eve crumpsand winter and thanks for all the the help you’ve given me and everyone else this year. In typical bloke fashion I’ve still got loads of Xmas shopping to do so better get busy...

Thank you Lonelycrab wishing you happy new home (and good luck with the shopping!).

Today ex is coming over in the afternoon and staying the night to open presents with the boys first thing. Just keeping everything crossed time goes quick and he doesn't make middle of the night calls from here to the other woman. If you hear news that a 33 year old woman spontaneously combusted due to rage then you'll know why. In the meantime it's happy Christmas Eve face on for me.

Next year WILL be different.

As if this wasn't going to be hard enough.
STBX was out most of yesterday, supposed to be Xmas shopping but back later than any shops close, no purchases or willingness to explain. Told DS was with friend from work which DS told me he believes was OW.
Then goes out with mutual friends last night. Comes in drunk and straight to my room to tell me he loves me so much and misses me. Does this for about 5 mins while I do nothing. Leaves then comes back to day he wants to come into bed. I say no you've made your choice, tough. He then tried to hug me. Not on. Then today it's all Mr nice guy for DS
Ignoring the fact that I told him we would get through Xmas day but then he had to go.
So of course I'm now back to being upset and he's full of Mr Disney.

Hello all. Not caught up on all threads but can't believe how time has flown. Didn't know this time last year what place I'd be in. Turns out it's not quite as planned. Really wanted to have bought a place. But at least I'm rid of him. Whatdyknow what are they thinking, he tried to hug me every time he saw me, why? Some sense that they're eradicating their own guilt? They're all deluded and can't see thenselves clearly .
Crab, glad things are moving on. A big shout out too to Eve, Crumps, Mammy and Moo. You guys have helped get me through . Had a few tears today still but hey it's that time of year and much much better that before. Keep going everyone, you are strong, amazing people who will get through this. I hope everyone has something good planned for tomorrow. Happy Christmad Eve! X 🎄

Got through Xmas day but turns out boxing day gets all the Xmas stress instead.
Had what felt initially like a good chat with STBX this morning. But later I realised it was a chat where he told me about how his relationship currently is with OW and I listened and talked to him as if I wasn't me and was helping him work out his puzzled head. I then also tortured myself more by asking for honesty about one occasion... Should have known better. I thought it was better to know he was lying rather than just suspect but judging by how I now feel that's not the case.
I don't know what is wrong with me that it was almost like i wasn't there while letting him off load and even encouraging him to talk about her.
Then of course it's all come back to haunt me later on. I got all sentimental feeling that he was being honest and is just heart broken and I started to remember our closeness and then, slam, my brain caught up with itself and said wtf! I think I so detached myself from the subject I was acting like we'd just had an argument and were talking it through. But when the slam came I was awful, so distressed and angry and I feel just so uncontrollably emotional.
He went out and has just come back and isn't speaking to me. Why am I asking him to? I feel so messed up and like I don't know what's happening to me. He told me things I should be furious about and yet I'm the one feeling bad and apologising. And that's my doing- he's not asking me to apologise.

Morning all.

For those who had ex or Stbx to deal with on Christmas Day. Hope the day went as well as it could

@Whatdyknow I'm sorry Boxing Day was difficult. You won't ever get the truth. It is best to detach and try not to engage. I know how hard that can be. But they have been lying to you for months and don't want to look like the bad guy more than possible.

I know ow was on the scene before dick head says she was. He was trying to justify her to me. And I said the details really weren't relevant I hadn't gone off looking for someone else. That was the point.

Big shout out to I love. Crab. And moo. And anyone else who has been here.

A year ago it was miserable. Although I didn't want us to separate this Christmas was chilled and I had family around me.

My eldest has refused to go to ex yesterday. And came into me in the night having had a nightmare about his dad trying to kill him. Ex is so self absorbed he honestly has no idea why ds is refusing to see him.

So I don't know what the next year will bring. I know I will keep moving forward and get the children through.

Hope everyone has peaceful new year and know that we will get through the difficult days one at a time

Hello, I haven't read the whole thread, but can I join please?
I'm really thinking of leaving my partner, he just doesn't bring anything anymore and is just a bit of a man child.

I started a thread last night and I didn't think anyone would respond, but people have and it has made me realise that maybe I would be better single, but then I think of the kids and then doubt myself!

Curvy didn't realise that, if you ever need a chat pm me

Hi @eve 34. You're right I need to become so much colder. I was managing before the holiday but as we're both off work it's just too much in one house and he knows so well how to work it.
Had a nice day today with DS though. Stbx said he was going to stay at a friend's. I know tho that he's with OW and probably in a hotel. (Have seen evidence of something similar to last time they did a nice hotel stay). While I know if we're not together I can't stop this, it pisses me off so much that he was only yesterday slagging her off, saying how much he knows it's a mistake and generally trying to pull me back in. That's what got me so successfully upset. Plus I've asked him for money towards some joint expenses, not to mention DS Xmas presents and I've just checked and he's done nothing. He's on 3xs my salary and has paid nothing for his sons Xmas other that 2 books. (& if we're not together I really resent coming back from a day out to find the sink full of the same dishes that were there when I left).

Sorry to hear that your eldest is having nightmares and struggling with his relationship with his dad. These men (predominantly) seem to be oblivious to the effects of their actions on their kids. Wives and partners too but how they can not take their DC into account I'll never understand. My Stbx/EX has said he always gets OW's DS a Xmas present when I asked if he'd got one. & my DS, after being annoyed with DF has now started defending him, saying he can't help it, he needs to see OW if he loves her. What a line he's been fed!

Hugs to everyone. I hope people are surviving the holidays. Next challenge new year then it's planning and fresh start for me.

Hi happier, I've now read most of the thread and didn't realise first of all that you were here too!
Was just feeling lonely and teary and started writing.
Thank you x

I'll read your own thread tomo curvy

Thanks happier, I don't know how to do the link thing, but it's called: This is shit, right? Actually I know it is!

@Whatdyknow what are the plans for new year? Can you make your own arrangements?

Funnily enough new year eve was crunch point here last year. After six months of ex being in/out and not supporting me/kids financially. He wanted £200 to go out with friends. Told him to take it and not come back

It was the hardest thing I have ever done although he was behaving badly I loved him. And what we had together. I wanted us to work things out.

Stay strong. Stop engage with any small talk. Ask him when he is moving out. Work out cms he needs to pay and claim benefits as if you are in uc area you have five week wait.

@CurvyInAllTheWrongPlaces Hope you find the strength to move on.

As for us ex brought dd back ds hid from him because ex has history of getting angry so he dumped dd presents made big fuss of how much he loves dd and stormed off.

I have had whole evening of ds crying as he feels he did something wrong. Dd over tired and crying. I love my kids but I'm tired of being the only one dealing with the emotional fall out. Ex gets to be disney dad and I'm doing everything else.

Oh and I didn't even get a thank you for the gift dd gave ex for Christmas. It was only a token gift. Cufflinks. But he has paid no child support since the summer and did not help the children buy me a thing. I didn't do it for him of course but so dd had something for him. But a little gratitude would of been appreciated.

Eve my god your h hasn't improved any bit has he? Your poor ds, that's such an immature reaction from his father.

H had free time yesterday and chose not to spend any of it with his dc the sooner we're not living next door the better and they won't have to see this.

Thanks eve, sounds like you have it tough atm.

Thank you @CurvyInAllTheWrongPlaces and @Happierwithouthim

I am not engaging with it at all. He is digging his own grave with ds. It is the complete lack of insight he has to his actions having an impact on ds. I don't get.

I don't understand how he thinks his actions aren't the problem. But he has never listened to me so I'm not starting to explain this to him now. It isn't worth it. I have always been in the wrong so can't imagine he will have brain wave and realise he is a dick.

Eve he's one of those who's always right and you're always wrong ya I've got one of those too

Funny that. How we just know nothing 🙄.

Roll on 2019. Going to be a much happier year for all of us.

Hiya - can I join? Finally got ex to admit that he loves his new girlfriend, despite sleeping with me behind her back - oh and making out that she didn't mean anything and it was me he could only ever truly love. Wtf is wrong with these people? I just can't get my head around it.