Getting there slowly....hugs along the way

[mammynowanauntyIRL]

A thread for those facing separation or divorce, whether by choice or your hand forced by spouses behaviour or actions.

We're all at different stages along the journey but need a virtual handhold in this friendly corner of mumsnet to help us along the way

Link to old thread in next post

Hi @Wintersnow17 - yes you are right re the mind playing tricks. For me also stuff like the kids coming back and talking about putting up the tree at his with him and OW and how OW has said she will show the kids how to make mince pies etc. Am sure it will get easier and I hope to get to a place where I just feel indifferent to him.

Hi Eve, Crumps and Winter nice to hear from you all. It’s been a long awful year in many ways, certainly earlier on and it’s quite scary to think this time last year I was blissfully unaware of what was about to hit me. Like you say Crumps, looking back to how far we’ve all come since the spring gives me some relief that the worst is over. It must be difficult in your situation to have the ex very much part of your day to day life. In some ways it’s a nice gesture to do that for you on your birthday, but in other ways, well personally it would mess with my head. Hope you had a nice birthday, I’m guessing your a fellow Sagittarius?(virtual high five)...anyway I think you’re being very mature and graceful to be able to deal with so much contact. I hope once Xmas is done you can move towards divorcing and moving on somewhere new, hopefully then the limbo feeling will go. I know how it feels so hugs mate.

Eve it’s just so wrong that your ex isn’t paying maintenance. I’m a long long way from being well off but that should never be anything less than top priority. Although we all seem to have ex’s with different levels of selfishness yours seems to be a weapons grade knob. You somehow keep it together so hats off to your strength and endurance. Hopefully the cms will get it taken from his wages, and backdate it too. And Winter I’m sorry to hear you’re still getting moments when it all floods back. I get them too but thankfully not so much these days. Like crumps, it was some music that set me off just yesterday- there was an old piano in a train station I use and some girls were (rather excellently) playing a tune we both liked. Bam. It hit me and it took all my strength to hold it together. I guess music has that power to touch us really deep, but I think the one thing we can take from this is that we have good hearts- we are not the cold ones and we can go on to use that love.

Anyway I’ve just moved all of my stuff from storage into my new place, and after the first few rather lonely nights it’s beginning to feel like home. Got tons to sort out- the carpet that looked ok when I viewed it is gonna have to go, plus plenty of painting to do so a busy few weeks coming up. Come the new year I’ll be doing around 10 nights a month with my ds so need to make it as homely as possible... sorry that was so long! Festive hugs all

Crab- great feeling to get your stuff out of storage . Looking forward to a place I own myself. Music sets me off too, a concert we've been to, music we've danced to . Eve and everyone with children, you are all so strong, not sure I could cope with hearing about OW and what they've been doing . I avoid all social media contact and don't know what I would do if we bumped in to each other. Ilove, I'm starting to feel indifferent to him, it's thoughts about the OW and what I'd say to her that gets me. X

Hi all. I'm struggling with the fact he's got away with it . I feel I want the world to know how he's hurt me, we've had to sell the house and they're living their smug lives. It hit me this morning . I thought I could move on but it's just hit me again. I want some sort of karma because it seems that whatever happens they've got away with it . Her in particular, how can they live with thenselves knowing what they've done? It woke me up this morning thinking of it X X

Morning Winter, I know exactly how you feel wanting the world to know how wrong and unfair my ex has treated me and my ds. It gets to me too, but I guess ultimately we’ve just got to take it on the chin and hope karma will do its work. If I think about it too much, I get angry, and (being a massive Star Wars fan) I know that yoda was right- anger leads to the dark side and only bad things lie that way. By turning the other cheek we are better stronger people.

I met my ds last night to take him out for dinner- something that’s easy now as I’m only 5 mins away from my ex’s new flat. It was great of course, but he was so sad when I took him back to his mum- dad I miss you so much when I have to say goodbye he said. He also said he sometimes cries at night because I’m not there anymore. I’m crying myself now writing this, how could she do this to him? Well I guess it’s easy if you’ve got zero ability to empathise with anyone, not even your own son. So we’ve just gotta work through these feelings- you will get through it Winter, and you will at some point meet someone that makes you realise what a shitbag your ex was, and you’ll feel ok about the relationship ending. Hugs xxx

Winter I am so sorry you are struggling. I am sure we all have those moments. I know I do. And crab has as always put it eloquently. And even with a yoda quote. Which was done in my head with the voice too 😀

We know deep down what these tossers have done. And it will just eat us up inside if we give it to much head space. You know they aren't giving us a second thought. We should be over it now and move on. We just have to focus on leading as happy life as we can from here.

I don't see any positives In This. Especially so close to Christmas. It just sucks. I never wanted this. And have to tolerate time away from the children and missing out. But I just have to remember his 4 days a months a really a token effort to look good. I'm disgusted by the man ex has become. And I know I deserve better. Let's hope 2019 brings us all some peace. And happiness.

Thank you Crab and Eve. I like the Yoda thing. I have been thinking g dark thoughts . I know I need to let go and I think I have , then it just swamps me. Not as much or as often as it did but I think because the house has gone and it's nearly Christmas my emotions are high. Crab it's so hard for you and for Eve with children , at least I don't have the worry and stress that you do over that and need to look at positives for me. No contact . Thanks for responses xx

Hi. Hope it's OK for me to join.

I did post a while back but was in a phase of blindly hoping things might work out.
Now, STBX has told DS that he loves OW, still says he misses me and 'us' but I realise this is just messing with me. It has to be over and I'm working on that basis. Horrible as it is.

He still hasn't moved out but seems to find it easy enough to stay out for the night when it suits. If he has a late night at work which he used to still come home after, he's somehow no longer able to & has to stay out. Even when DS is unwell. Just says sorry I'm having to cope on my own. Like I'm not preparing for that being the everyday anyway. Hey ho.

So I'm a bit behind most of you by the sound of things but if it's OK I'd like to join this thread. I think you seem to share the reality of it being a long road ahead but all sound very strong.

Just wanted to say I'm reading but don't feel I've much to add to thread at the moment

Whatdyknow you are very welcome. Sounds like my situation at first- he'd got OW but continued to live with me and expect us to be friends, what a stupid, blinkered idiot. Also came and went as he pleaded without a thought as to the emotional agony he was causing me. Totally insensitive and immune. Yes - they're really sorry but won't lift a finger to help. I understand what you are going through. Hang on in there and tell him to F off. Mine put up the 'it's my house as well' argument and I couldn't get rid of him for ages. Go and change your will if you've got one and get advice on divorce and money etc we had to sell house but I'm rid of him now which is a blessing . You do come out of the other side but it is hard with many ups and downs . Hugs

Pleased not pleaded

Thanks for the welcome @wintersnow17

Sorry to hear your situation has been similar. If it wasn't for DS I wouldn't hesitate to up sticks and move. Really don't understand what STBX is getting out of staying. He works an hour away, never comes home before 8, so doesn't really see much of DS in the evening anyway. Think he just doesn't really know what's in the future for him so is dragging it out.
But it's so painful to have the person you've been with for over 20 years sometimes being like the old him, saying how much he misses me, and then not sharing anything about his everyday life. Not thinking how hard it is to have him coming home when it suits him after doing whatever but feeling no need for any accountability.
Now says that he'll do whatever suits me for Xmas. He'll just stay to give DS presents then go. But poor him doesn't know where he'll go to of course. I can't help but assume that he's now got an offer for Xmas day as he used the same line of it being for my sake when he stayed away for a couple of nights recently to give me a break. Of course it was on the days that neither of them were in work anyway. Like I didn't know that. He came home from that saying he'd do anything to stop hurting me. I said OK tell me where you were and he went straight back to 'what does it matter. Why do you need to know'

@Whatdyknow sorry you are in this situation. Stay strong. Keep your head down and get Christmas out of the way. Do you have friends or family you can go to at weekends? Don't factor him into your plans or child care. If you can. Plan your weekends away eow. And say eow is his weekend with ds. Start setting boundaries in place and let him know you aren't at his beck and call. Stop domestic task for him. Etc
I know it is very very hard. I should of stopped being such a push over long before I did. It cost me financially and emotionally. Hang in there. Have you got people supporting you?

Hi @eve34.
I have got support thanks but as ever Xmas is tough with people all having their own plans. I do very little for him domestically but find it impossible to leave his crap lying around (he's sleeping on the living room for) when he goes to work and just leaves it there. Says he leaves it to make sure he doesn't disturb us first thing as he's up early. He could move into spare room but that doesnt suit him so he won't.
I've just a small family so query about how sad Xmas day will be. Had hoped to join with friends but they're all going away. Trying to plan nice things for after the day itself.

@Whatdyknow how old is your son? In the fullness of time this is one day. He will hopefully not really remember. Just do what you need to do to get through the few days.

Last year ex was still here telling me lies. I just kept things ticking along he left new year eve and didn't come back. This year the kids will go the afternoon Christmas Day and be gone for few days. I'm dreading it. But. Just hoping I can take it hour by hour.

Gather good people around you x

@eve34.
DS is 14 so I'm afraid that Xmas is going to be lodged in his memory as the time his parents split up.
Hope you have some good things planned for yourself when DC are away. I'm wondering if I can just blank Xmas day itself and tell him he had to go boxing day. Even presents is confusing. Just told me he's got me some but I haven't and don't feel I want to obv. But then if he's here how do I handle that with DS. It's a minefield.

Thanks for reply when your Xmas is so tough too.

@Whatdyknow I'm sorry to hear what you are going through and I have been where you are. Have had to name change recently but posted previously here about my stbxh doing exactly the same thing - affair, midlife crisis, lies etc all whilst living at home and he couldn't understand why I was upset and didn't want to live with him. Took a while to get him out but once I did, things did start to get better although it's still very painful. They don't call it heartbreak for nothing. I don't recognise him now as the person I married and he has rewritten our history, trying to convince me that everything was awful forever and that his affair was an inevitable consequence of my faults. It's difficult not to buy into all that, especially when you're looking for answers as to how you could possibly be in this situation after 20+ years together. But it's important to have space and see things clearly. If that means you going away for the weekend, then that would probably help. Once they leave, it hurts all over again because it becomes very real, things are definitely over, but make sure you bring other kind people into your life to fill the gap he has left. It's truly awful but slowly things will get better and you will feel ok without him. Sending you

Hi @dontmisshisjowls. Your username made me a smile.
It does sound very similar. So sorry you've been through this too. It's awful how often this seems to come up & after similar amounts of time.
He's just said that the reason he thinks he should come back here to see DS is because he knows it would break my heart not to see him (DS) eow. Am I being too hard and he's actually being caring and I'm not acknowledging it? I'm so confused.
When I said I tried to make things work initially he just said that he tried for 20 years the best he could and it was difficult.
I must be a nightmare to be with.

@Whatdyknow I very much doubt you are a nightmare, as I said try not to believe everything he is telling you. As much as 2 people are responsible for a marriage, having an affair is something else altogether and he made that choice all on his own. I'm still in the early days myself but what helps me is to always try to refocus on myself - what I want to happen and what is good for me (and the kids). I do still at times spend too long thinking about what my stbxh is doing/thinking, torturing myself really. At times like that, the little things can help - a hot bath, a movie and a cuppa etc. But you can only look after yourself like that if you have some space from him. That's when I am able to feel a bit stronger and assertive and think about things like child contact. Personally, I've decided it's too soon for me to be able to spend much time around my ex, especially at Christmas, and so the kids will spend time with him at his place whilst I have a few hours peace and quiet (and Baileys!). After that we go to 50:50 which is going to kill me initially I think, but I've accepted it is the best thing for the kids and so will just have to get used to it. I have really benefited from counselling, an hour a week to just think about you is invaluable when everything else is so chaotic.

3 weeks in to everything here, Christmas looming ominously. Everything still feeling extremely raw and I'm swinging between feeling incredibly angry and wanting to get down on the floor and beg him to come home and pretend everything is okay again. Also not looking forward to the prospect of another meeting at the job centre tomorrow (with toddler on tow as no childcare), I already have a job, but it's not enough hours for their liking if I'm to get any help, feel completely screwed over by ex, everything completely upside down. Tell me time makes it all easier, and things work out as they should eventually

@Getoffthetableplease my ex told me that too. That we would all be fine. Told him that I had no choice. It has to be fine. I have the children to put first. So there is no alternative is there.

Stay strong.

@dontmisshisjowls & @eve34 I really hope both your Christmases goes OK. Sounds like you're both trying really hard to accept something that wasn't of your making. I'm sure you'll do brilliantly at making the times with your DC fun.
I think the rewriting of history is so true, but matched with the inconsistency of not moving out it is just so emotionally confusing. Surely if things were that bad he's be relieved of the excuse to go. I hate that we can't communicate about the simplest thing any more.
I know tho that when I have had some space I have found it easier. My low points are definitely when he's around but is not the person I expect.
@getoffthetableplease. Good luck for tomorrow. I totally get that mixed up emotions thing. I sometimes wonder what I'm doing when I know I can't trust him but seem to think I still want him. Why?!! Old habits I guess and fear of uncertainty.

How's everyone doing this week. I finish work in an hour. Been a long year. Just hope I can be more focused next year.

Ex was sick Saturday for contact and overslept sun. So I took the kids out with me after I waited an hour with no response to text. Bet he is fuming at me

He was meant to come to the Christmas performance this morning but got caught up with work. So no show. Good job I didn't tell dc he was coming.

So apparently he is coming to see them tonight. I'm feeling stronger than I have before. But just wish he stay far far away. I'm certain ds will walk out once he knows he is coming. He threaten to at the weekend.

So Christmas isn't far away. It really is just one day. I'm hoping I can stay strong. Just got to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Hope everyone is ok x

Hi All!

I hope you don’t mind me jumping on this thread but in a similar situation to most of you.

11 years together, 1 year married, owned a house and in July he got in to bed with me and quite simply told me he didn’t think he loved me anymore and moved out 2 days later. Honestly mine could also have won an Oscar for his performance of love.. we had just returned from an amazing holiday where HE spent the entire time convincing me we were ready for a baby and even text me the morning he decided to break up with me telling me how much he loved me...

I thought we had a good relationship, envy of friends and had a good solid life together.. he was a little selfish and this year hasn’t treated me the way a husband should (lied about money, screamed at me infront of friends etc) none of this had ever happened before but I can see now he was either trying to push me away or he just become a bit of a pr*ck.

Again like you, he would cry whenever we saw eachother or spoke and send me messages saying how I’ll alwaus be the love of his life and how he’s sorry he can’t be the man I deserve oh and my personal favourite “I didn’t realise how much you loved me until I left” I MARRIED YOU A YEAR AGO YOU IGNORANT POOHEAD.angry

I found out he was seeing someone else 8 weeks after leaving me .. I don’t think their was any overlap... friends were at the party he met her but quite frankly I don’t really care, I still think it’s pretty poor form either way.

5 months on .. no I’m not healed, yes I still think about him as soon as I wake up but I know I could never go back there, he ripped my heart out and I could never trust him again.

I’ve blocked all contact now as I know it’s the only way to heal and I’ve asked the solicitors to contact him directly re me buying him out the house and divorce (Yup I’m having to sort all the admin out despite it being his choice to leave .. he received 1 form a few weeks ago and messaged me saying he didn’t understand it and could I help him complete it!? Erm No, ask your mum or your new squeeze for god sake.

Honestly some days I don’t know how I haven’t gone bonkers or screamed in his face but what I tell myself is I’ve lost all respect for him and I refuse to loose it for myself.

I try to remember this .. WE lost someone who didn’t love or care enough.. THEY lost someone who would’ve moved the world for them .. who’s the real winner here..?

Sending you love - we got this! Xx

@missbee90 I'm on this thread too, that last sentence says it all we're the winners even though it mightn't feel like it now. Life will be better alone. H moved out end of Sept & my quality of life has improved so much since. Just reflecting this morning, I'm sleeping better, I've lost some of the weight that had been refusing to part with me, I've shaken the constant illness that plagued me this year, my children are happier & we've got happier times together without his company (they are enjoying their time at his too), and I can make some plans with friends for a walk/run/bite to eat on my free evenings which I never had while married

Eve isn't it terrible that they still can't prioritise the dc even now