Getting there slowly....hugs along the way

[mammynowanauntyIRL]

A thread for those facing separation or divorce, whether by choice or your hand forced by spouses behaviour or actions.

We're all at different stages along the journey but need a virtual handhold in this friendly corner of mumsnet to help us along the way

Link to old thread in next post

I haven't posted for a while, I've skimmed the thread and I'm sad to see so many new posters. Not sad you're here, just that there are even more of us needing support.

But I thought I'd update on my situation, ex is still in the house, I think I'm going to agree to sell. I don't want to, I could just about afford to buy him out but it'll be a struggle, but I also think he'll always see it as 'his' house. I've found a suitable house, still in school catchment, and kids are ok about moving. Maybe a fresh start will do us all good.

I've also met someone... he's going through similar, and we've been supporting each other. He's not my usual type, but we have so much in common and he's been a close friend for months. We work in similar jobs and he genuinely wants and respects my opinion on work stuff. That's an eye opener!! The kids know about him, but no plans for them to meet for a few months, they want to but I don't think they're ready. It's early days, but he's just lovely and it's so nice to be treated well and have someone looking out for me.

Anyway, I'll read the thread properly later but those of you in the midst of the really bad days, I was there a few months ago. I couldn't function, cried all the time. I never thought I'd reach the stage of a new relationship, but it's amazing how life turns around.

Hi all, hope you're all well.
My husband left me 4 weeks ago with dc 2 and 4. It was for OW. It's been a tough few weeks but feels as if I have had an epiphany this week, as long as I have my kids that's all I need. The two of them fuckers are welcome to each other

Hi, I am new too and need advice. Currently in limbo after husband left 3 months ending a 26 year marriage...stating not in love with me anymore....devastated... Do not know what to do! Any advice, pls?

I have the same or solar issue. Married for 26years, he moved out 3 months ago. Stated did not love me anymore! Currently in limbo waiting for him to come back..how can one be so selfish? I do not know how to move on...I invested the whole of me to him and I get this!???! Any advice?

Hi everyone

I haven’t been on here for a really long time now as things have just been really tough with my eldest DS, plus other more practical stuff. Anyway I’m approaching a year since I first confronted ex. Kids went to bonfire night with him last night and I remembered his last year my eldest came home and mentioned this OW who was there - who, of course turned out to be the OW.

I’m sure in some ways things were worse then but life just feels very tough atm.

Anyway wanted to pop back and say hi to @eve34, @lonelycrab, @Moocow72 and everyone else. I haven’t caught up on the thread but will do and hope to find some of you in better places!

Hi @ilovecrumpets

So good to hear from you. I’ve been meaning to PM you to see how you are.

Sorry things have been so rough with your eldest, I hope things are improving even if slowly ?

I am feeling in a very similar way to you as in a couple of weeks it will be a year since ex told me he wanted a divorce (the day after my eldest’s birthday - how nice).

It does feel like a big deal to me and even though I feel I should be in a better place by now, I know we’re doing ok.

I’ve had a few glimpses in the past week or so about how childish/petty ex can be and it’s done me a favour reminding me of why things weren’t working. He even made a comment to me via text when I was sending him a few messages and questions about something that was set up at home with the kids Xboxes and his reply went along the lines of “You always take f*ing ages to reply to my messages, if at all” which actually made me smile as I never realised that had got to him. I don’t do it deliberately (not that I need to justify how long I take to reply to him) but I realised it actually bugs him, probably because he actually knows he has no right to expect me to reply quickly anymore and I will do it in my own good time (unless it was something urgent about the kids of course).

But he was always very childish and needy, and perhaps he realises now I haven’t crumbled and died without him and I’m not pining for him at home. And that the second he messages I’m not sat waiting to reply to him immediately. I keep thinking OW will see that side to him soon if she hasn’t already and it will be a shock - as it was to me years ago that he had this petty, argumentative and childish side to him. I always made excuses of course, as you do. But the bottom line is he could be obnoxious. And I certainly don’t miss that.

These are small things but sometimes they help - reminds me that everything in the garden most certainly wasn’t rosy when I’m feeling nostalgic and sad about being separated.

I hope the practical things are working out for you. You were considering moving away at one point, is that still the case ?

Hugs to all xx

Hi @Moocow72

Good to hear from you too - and sorry things are not great for you at the moment as well. I guess it isn’t surprising in some ways that the approach of the year anniversary should affect us, but I guess I just hoped I’d be in a better place than I am. Although it isn’t the same intensity of pain as at first, it still seems like there is so far to go and I can’t ever see me getting to that separate, happy life. Although I am perhaps accepting it will take more time and will stay entangled for longer than I’d like.

My DS is still not really coping and as a result is being extremely challenging in his behaviour, plus now getting in trouble at school too. I love him but it is such hard work every day and I’m often reduced to tears - also so worried about him. Ex alsontook them to stay at his g/f dad and step mums house which I found very difficult and there was obviously some conversation about remarriage in front of the kids.

I also have had an au pair that hasn’t worked out - so left with no childcare for several weeks and my family didn’t help at all, which I found very hard and so difficult for my poor kids. Work were great though which I appreciated. Actually it makes me rethink moving because the people who have supported me have all been friends.

Anyway enough moaning - on the plus side I now have a kitten and another one coming next week! Been lovely to have a pet around the house again ( even if as DS says it isn’t a dog!)

Hi everyone, nice to hear from you crumps and moo, bookvan too, and yes sadly so many others at various stages joining the thread. Similar stories all round and my heart goes out to those in the early stages. Sorry to hear you ds is having a hard time crumps, it must be so hard for him to absorb the change. Although I’ve come a long way since last winter, the sadness and betrayal still surfaces from time to time and I had an awful nightmare last night about my ex getting married. I woke up in quite a state. Moo it’s good that you have got a bit more detached from your ex- I think to show that you haven’t keeled over without them is quite satisfying. I know the year point will be hard for me too as it was on my ds’s birthday.

It’s getting closer to the year mark for me too. Have been staying at the old family home which finally completed yesterday so it was hard to turn my back on the place without shedding a tear. But that’s all gone now and I’m moving to about a mile from my ds in a week or two. I’ve had him most of the half term and he’s with me for Christmas plus my eow’s so that’s good for both of us. I’m hoping the new life will work out but it’s a huge change and It feels like I’ve got to face it all alone- even though I haven’t really as my family have been my lifeline. I’m seeing someone now and although it’s going well and we’re getting pretty close, it’s essentially a ldr and she has dc, we’ve both agreed we don’t want to introduce ourselves as a couple to each other’s kids yet so there are some major limitations and it’s hard to get more than a quick lunch or coffee. So how we can make it work, time will tell and maybe it’s gonna be too difficult to get enough time together. Just taking things day to day. Hugs all.

Morning all

Sorry that others have found themselves here. It isn't an easy ride this roller coaster but it will end at some point.

Yes we are all reaching the one year point time to reflect what the year has achieved. Ex left new year eve and didn't come back. So always going to be a day to remember. Wonder if he feels it too?

Sorry to hear your ds is struggling @Ilovecrumpets School were an amazing support for my ds. Has his school offered any 1-1?

@Moocow72 yes it is the little things. That are satisfying aren't they.

@Lonelycrab new chapter a head of you. So pleased things are falling into place for you.

On a positive note we finally got our holiday at half term. And we had some lovely weather.

On the down side ds is struggling and continues to have thoughts of self harm. He just wants his old life back and can't move forward. There has been some poor parenting and bullying from ex. Social services intervened as school raised safe guarding. Shit ex up a bit. And I actually lowered by defence towards ex. Only for him to stop paying child support and fuck off to Tenerife for a week.

But ds is now refusing to see his dad. So we sat down and talked together. Ex focused on issues at school. And that ds needs to ' believe in himself'. That will solve his problem. So no further forward really.

I asked the kids to give me and ex 5 mins. I asked him for the £1.5k he owes me. The heating has packed up. The kids need shoes and winter coats and I don't have the money. He said he sort it. I cried a bit and he said nothing. I realised when he told me he was broken. That this is ' killing him'. It is more lies. He needs to keep me in my place. I'm so bloody sad the kids had to suffer this weekend brought it all back again. But just need to keep moving forward.

I never hated anyone in my life. It is a waste of energy. But him I hate as much now as I did 11 months ago. He broke me. And he has broke my boy.

I'm done trying to manage ex feelings and his relationship with the kids. Cms are involved and I have promised ds we will get legal advice. So I'm going to cause one hell of a battle in this war of separating. That I never wanted. But I'm sure ex is happy now he has his life free of responsibility and is sitting there thinking it was for the best still. 🙄

Sorry long update. But know you guys understand. X

Hi @lonelycrab so glad to hear it sounds like hopefully the start of your next phase is finally here - am sure being much nearer your DS will make a huge difference.

@eve34 it sounds like our DS’s are facing the same struggle - although mine is turning his anger and low self view outwards. School aren’t being brilliant - I think he is much worse at home. I have parents evening next week so am going to push again for some more help, I’ve also set up a meeting with SENCO which might help. It’s exhausting having to push all the time. My two have also started not wanting to go to stay at exes which is difficult, they have had to return a couple of nights. My ex is - to the extent I know - good with them when he is with them, although obviously his g/f is always there.

I’m so sorry you are having to get to the point you are with your ex - must be beyond difficult and draining.

I hope everyone is doing OK - I guess this will all just take time

Bookvan lovely to read such a positive update, best wishes in new home & with new relationship.
I also feel like that about family home, I could buy him out & struggle to make ends meet & be constantly reminded of him & what was meant to be or buy smaller & make it a home independently, this is what I've decided to do. Gradually making house presentable for sale next year. Decluttering is main priority.

@Unevenbeard welcome & sorry that's happened but you're right you & dc are enough

Sorry to read updates from everyone who's having a bad time of it.
Ds has been showing his anger about situation towards me been vicious & violent, hopefully he'll work his way through it. It's all still so new to him.

We've a month down now of living separately & I'm feeling great about it & sleeping every night & my health has improved too. Dc are doing well enough in situation too & h has tried to draw me into his problems but I've refused to engage or offer advice or solution.

Evening all. How is everyone doing. The year is nearly over. And seems to of flown by.

I was doing the school run yesterday and I thought to myself I'm ok.

I know I have hurdles to over come still. Kids are no longer doing over nights. Which is the right thing for them right now. But means I have to adjust again at some point to eow. He didn't take them away this summer. So no doubt that will happen further down the line and of course I expect baby news in the future.

We haven't made arrangements for Christmas yet. Currently ds is refusing to go. So I'm not pushing plans. I'll just roll with it this year.

So I hope everyone else is ok. And the Christmas period isn't like looking to bad for you all

Hi Eve, how are you? How's everyone? I agree the year seems to have flown. It's quite hard to think what it was like this time last year. Not been On Here for a bit, was in the throes of house move . Can't really believe it still that it's come to this after so many years together. He's still been an idiot over lots of things with the house. . I'm renting now but looking for a place of my own ASAP. It's been very emotional . I too Eve am expecting baby news or similiar. The positive thing is looking back and seeing what I've done on my own. With lots of support from family and very good friends . To anyone out there who's going through this, it is shit, there are black days, but you will get through it. It just takes a very long time. I'm not out of the woods yet but it's getting better. I hope also that people have good plans for Christmas xx

Hi Eve, hi winter

So glad you’re feeling ok Eve, it takes a long time to get to that point but when you realise that you’re actually gonna make it ok, it’s such a good moment. Felt very happy reading your post as we’ve been in such a bad place both of us not so long ago. Good to hear you’re getting yourself together too winter, I hope you can find somewhere more permanent soon. I’m moving in to my new place next week so a mix of excited and scared; I’ve never lived alone, and although my ds is just down the road, when I’m not looking after him I’ll have to entertain myself

After many months of deliberations I’ve finally bought a car so that’s been a nice boost too. It’s a sensible Honda, my midlife crisis sports car can wait... hugs all

Evening @Wintersnow17 good to hear you are doing ok. Hopefully the new year will bring you your new home and a fresh start. Although moving must be heart breaking. The idea of a place that is mine is very tempting. Not that I can move anytime soon.

Ex still had a back door key. And let himself in the other evening because I wasn't quick enough to answer. I didn't say anything there isn't any point. He is here so rarely.

Last Christmas was miserable. Bearly hold it together. So hoping this year is less stressful although will expect to split the day of course so he can have some of the day with the children. But I have adjust to these little pockets of time I get on my own. And appreciate the respite.

I really hope ow sees through ex sooner than I did. She is so young. She deserves better. But I would say that. Think she is rather nieve . But I don't care so much now.

Me and the children have some plans for next year. They want to go on the over night train to Scotland. So looking forward to that adventure. Still don't have the enthusiasm I use to have but I'm trying to push myself more. Just keep moving on. One step at a time.

Hi everyone

Also thought I’d post as at a year since ex said he was leaving and found out about OW.

@Wintersnow17, @eve34,
@Lonelycrab - glad to hear everyone is getting there and even doing well. @Moocow72 - hope you are OK too Moo.

I was reflecting that in some ways it feels like I haven’t moved forwards at all - ex still coming to do bath and bed here, have taken over paying the mortgage but haven’t bit the bullet about moving to divorce and selll the house. Feel like I just can’t face that until the new year. Kids still very tearful when going to exes which is hard but it does feel a bit like things are improving with my eldest DS. I still feel like I am living in limbo in a way though which I find unsettling - sometimes I just think it doesn’t matter, I have so little time anyway, others I think I’m just not truly facing up to the separation.

Had a very weird birthday - came home from work and ex had taken a half day and done a birthday party with the kids. Flowers and a bottle of fizz in the fridge and had bought these expensive chocolates which he used to get me when things were good in our relationship ( sounds bonkers but they were kind of significant as it was when we didn’t have much money and you can only get them in a certain country). He then stayed and tidied the house and did the laundry. I’d be ill and was exhausted and just didn’t have the strength to deal with him ( and tbh a cleaner house was nice). But it was very strange and also took me by surprise as I felt really upset by it. I guess it was because that was what I’d always wanted from him when married and also because the chocolates just emphasised in a way how little he understood.

Having said that way sput last night and talking about this time last year and realised how far I had come from then. As has everyone I think - when I think back to when posters who were there at the beginning were posting and how lost and devastated we all were. It’s definitley much better now. I hopefully anyone that at that horrible raw stage can take some comfort from that.

Anyway a long ramble but as the three title says - hugs to everyone and hope Christmas is and good as it can be.

Morning @Ilovecrumpets

Time is a funny thing. My world was in piece this time last year. So next few weeks are rather emotional. And of course first Christmas we aren't doing everything together.

Ex and ow are taking kids Boxing Day to his family. Not sure how ds will cope with it to be honest. But I'm not going to raise concerns it won't change anything.

I hope you enjoyed your birthday. And I am sure the kids were thrilled that you were able to celebrate together. You are a better person than me. I hope you feel able to move things forward in the new year. And we all continue to heal.

Some days it's ok. Other days it like day one. I wonder when that will change.

Hi @eve34 - yes I think Christmas will be difficult. Although ex had already said he wa sales I g last Xmas we hadn’t told the kids or anyone else so we’re still acting as a family I guess. So the first new Christmas is difficult.

Ex has asked to stay Xmas eve. I’ve said yes this year but asked him to leave at 12 as am having some close friends ( who my eldest DS really loves and has a special relationship with) I’ve for Christmas dinner. My au pair has also asked to stay so I’m hoping it will feel different but in an ok way. Ex seemed genuinely surprised and put out that I asked him to leave! I sometimes wonder if he is in touch with reality - it is like he tho ks he can have the girlfriend and a family to drop in on.

I don’t think I’m a better person - actually a weaker one. It isn’t that I’m hoping we would get back together or anything more that I just don’t have the energy at the moment to force things to a conclusion. In particular to have to sell the house etc.

Ex will then have the kids between Xmas and new year which will be strange. Have decided I may as well work. Most of my friends are doing family stuff and although have invited me it just feels weird going to others houses with their kids who are my kids friends without my own. If that makes sense.

@Ilovecrumpets sounds like you have put some good boundaries in place. And the children. Will be pleased to have you both there Christmas morning.

I can't bear to be in the same room as ex right now. Although that has more to do with the fact he hasn't paid any child support since the summer. I don't understand those that don't support their children. But all I can do is go through the proper channels. He got them school shoes last week. Which I was meant to be falling over and be grateful. 🙄

It does sound like your ex hasn't let go of the family thing. And hope that you can continue to work together. Bet it drives the ow mad that he remains involved.

@eve34 - the not contributing is honestly disgusting. I couldn’t be around my ex if he was doing that either. Although tbh my ex is continuing to contribute more by default and i still have to chase him.

Just embarrassed myself whilst out and about - was in a shop and the song from our wedding ( which by chance happened to be played when my second son was born by c section) - all of a sudden I started crying. I just felt completely overwhelmed by grief. I really hope by this time next year I’ve moved past being floored like that.

@Ilovecrumpets we will all get there in time. Think this time of year doesn't help. We are waiting to see Father Christmas. Got some time to kill In Soft play hell first though.

Hope you are surviving @eve34. Yes agree re time of year. Also had just found out my eldest hadn’t been invited to two birthday parties of kids he’d think were his friends. He really struggles with friendships despite wanting them and not been helped by how the split has affected his behaviour - I can see why other children might find him difficult. It isn’t that I think he should have been invited - just feel a bit sad for him.

@Ilovecrumpets it's hard when your kids are left out. My eldest was never included in anything. Fortunately we have a big family so always something to look forward too.

Yes this year has been hard on the children. I'm sure ex thought we would all just be as happy a he is. We will be eventually.

You are right @eve34 - I am also going to try and make a bit more of an effort with some play dates next term ( haven’t this one!).

Hope Santa was fun - and roll on next year!

ILOVE, EVE,MOO, LONELY. Hello.

Eve - I get overwhelmed too. The time up to selling the house I was a wreck for weeks before. The stress of it all plus he didn't lift a finger to help. Selling because of him AND he did as little as possible. Been fine the last couple of weeks then this morning driving to work in floods thinking of Christmas shopping and how we used to do it together. The funny thing is that we weren't together last year so didn't do it then either. The mind plays tricks . I did most of the shopping then we would meet for coffee after he'd strolled around a bit. Rose tinted specs I think. It's the time of year.
Hugs and festive greetings all round

Xxxxxx