Getting there slowly....hugs along the way

[mammynowanauntyIRL]

A thread for those facing separation or divorce, whether by choice or your hand forced by spouses behaviour or actions.

We're all at different stages along the journey but need a virtual handhold in this friendly corner of mumsnet to help us along the way

Link to old thread in next post

Can i join? 2 years after date of separation and still sad and lost. He is such a bad man. I cant believe I worked so hard to save our (my) marriage.

Don't forget they can still be trying to have their cake after they've gone to OW. That's what the texts looking for emotional support from you are about. They still want you because with OW they're still having to hide some of the feelings from the fallout. They want roses and exciting sex with new shoes OW but cheer up hugs in texts or calls from the comfortable old shoes.

I simply can't believe how quickly they move on. It's as if the act of having sex with someone else wipes all memories, empathy, love and respect. Suddenly you find yourself dealing with a near-sociopath who wonders why we can't just "move on to being friends". All this after months of lying, cheating and blaming, finally destroying the family and then leaving us to pick up the pieces. Sorry, I am having a bad day but this is the inescapable truth for me and it's bloody hard to take.

@hotelzanzibar you are not alone. Ex left last summer but we were trying until the new year. He treated me and the children very badly. Lied. Cheated and stolen from me. Money has been hit and miss and have had to have social services involved for his actions towards the children. His behaviours are unforgivable. Yet still he wonders why I'm not his friend. And apparently he is sick of being nice to me.

I'm still heart broken. And my children are struggling. No man or father should treat people or his children the way he has. Yet I'm the bad person because I have stopped pandering to him. Guess that how they make it ok in their own heads.

Ow is welcome to him. Maybe she has something I don't and he won't treat her as badly as he treated me over the years. But it bloody hurts. I'm not sure I will ever forgive. But so want him to mean nothing anymore.

Thanks @eve34. I'm sorry to hear you have been through such an awful time too. It all feels very surreal sometimes and if there were no children involved it would be easier to leave it all behind. But, they are the only positive things to come out of all this and I am grateful for them every day.
Wishing everyone a restful and calm weekend x

Hi just checking in, haven't RTFT. A year on for me and I'm still feeling sad and a bit shit.

@user1493423934 post when you need to rtft isn't essential

Thanks mammy. incidently I had a horrible day today - lunch with 3 others all of who have husbands, good jobs and kids they see every day. One let slip that ex and OW were around at their house the night before. Thanks. Another had hosted ex when he first left (18 months ago) and I think there was a fair amount of bitching about me between ex, her Dh and her. First time I'd seen her since then and we were polite but I felt so uncomfortable. I've also been trying to find a job for ages and there were queries about that - ugh. Got to the car and burst into tears. Sorry to be so down but feeling so depressed. How has everyone else's weekend been?

@user1493423934 That sounds horrible. Do you think you get much out of those friendships as they sound very unsympathetic. It must be really hard to be polite to someone you suspect has been bitching about you - it sounds like you did amazingly well!

@hotelzanzibar I can relate so well to so much of what you're saying. My kids are amazing and the best thing (only good thing?) to have come out of our marriage but they do mean I will always have some link to STBxh. Also the new relationship seeming to cause a complete personality switch - it all sounds so familiar.

Have had a tough couple of weeks really as my dad has been seriously ill in hospital. What has become clear though is that being on my own hasn't really made it any harder. There have been very few times that I have thought 'oh stbxh would have helped in this situation if we were still together'. It has also given me a bit of perspective - my parents have been married over 50 years and still love and miss each other so much when they are apart. It has made me realise that I never had that with him and I don't miss him like I should.

I just want it over now - solicitors appointments dragging on, still having to be in frequent contact with him as the kids aren't in a routine with him yet. I am so much happier when there is no contact. Plus he is still managing to constantly shock and surprise me with thoughtless (or cruel - not sure which) moves and lack of any consideration for the kids.

@user1493423934 that sounds like an awful lunch, do you need friends like that? Was the other person nice?

@diskdrive I find home life easier since H left except for sorting out access with him but I'll get that sorted now through solicitors.

@user1493423934 that must of been really difficult. I would give these friends some space. I understand they probably don't want to take sides but they could be more sensitive to your feelings.

Kids dad has the children today. He missed his weekend as he went on holiday. So said he could have them today. He was half an hour late. And shouted at me because I hadn't put towels in with the swimming stuff he asked for. Good to know I can easily annoy him. Happy days hey

@user1493423934 I completely understand how you feel and I'm sorry it was such an awful experience. I am also finding the friends things tricky. You do work out quite quickly who your "inner circle" are, the friends you can tell everything, cry/rage with but the others do sometimes disappoint when they are insensitive or just awkward. I have already had "mutual" friends who have clearly taken sides and badmouthed me to other mutual friends after hearing only my ex's side of the story. I think some of this is inevitable but the other posters are right, you have to protect yourself and insulate yourself from the situations like your difficult lunch, it's just too painful, at least until you are feeling a bit stronger. Counselling has been a lifeline for me and I would highly recommend it if it's an option for you.

Thanks diskdrive eve mammy Hotel. (Eve you're in whatsapp group? I'm in the claw one?) diskdrive I am so sorry about your dad. Must be extremely hard for you with all the other crap you've been through.
Took today off work as I felt so low. Actually friend who had seen ex the night before told us her MIL is dying of cancer and only has a couple of months to live, so understandably she has far more important things on her mind. Other friend was good - going to see her next weekend. I was just low as they all asked if I had a job - they all know I've been looking hard and not been successful, and I think there was a flicker of surprise like 'Whats wrong with her? no job yet?' others are all extremely successful in their careers too. So was a bit of a double whammy - no one to come home to and no job. Then ex was really nasty to me on phone over legal stuff. Spoke to a mental health counsellor over ph who was really nice which helped. Was so nice to wake up to all your supportive messages too. Thanks !

@user1493423934 yes I get everywhere 😀

Sorry to hear you have so much to deal with. Good that you reached out and have support. Be kind to yourself

I have decided to take today off. I just feel anxious and feel I need a day of peace. See how I feel tomorrow.

Hello all, just checking in.
Blue trampoline - I'm over a year now and thought it might get easier. I've reached the 'I feel really sad all the time' stage now and I've returned to the ' I want to shout and scream at him and I really want to tell the OW what a selfish Homewrecking bitch she is' stage. I haven't done either. I guess it's the ups and downs. Zanzibar and Eve we all know don't we how soon they drop us- after over 20 years it hurts like hell. I think adrenaline kept me going through the first months. Now it's a case of finding something else as like a lot of you it feels as if I'm being sucked back into the doldrums ( not nearly adequate enough word for how I feel) . I reached this stage and don't want to be engulfed. I know it takes at least 2 years but it's hell. I keep thinking if only we could have finished it without another woman being involved. Would it have made it easier? X

@Wintersnow17 sorry to hear you are struggling. It comes and goes. I too want to tell ow a few home truths. But if it wasn't her it would of been someone else. He was actively out on the pull for a good few months. She thinks she has got a catch. But I have no time for any man who walks away from his children for the reason that he was bored and felt unloved. He should of wanted to make it right rather than put the children through all this.
We will get there. Just hope it was worth it for him.

Hi Eve, hope you feel better after your day off and your anxiety level has dropped.I keep wondering when exhaustion will set in, been on the go and not able to relax properly , need to keep busy to keep everything at bay. I'm not sure about what would have happened if she hadn't been there. I think men are big babies, deep down I think they all want a woman who will be there all the time and constantly tell them how wonderful they are, so back to the 1950s then . When you don't quite live up to expectations, instead of working through it( far too hard for them) they take the easy option of finding a younger model to adore them. In a trough at the moment but pulling myself out slowly xx

Hey, new to this thread. My partner of three years has left me; completely out the blue after we have had 4 miscarriages and gone through this together. I feel as though the floor has been ripped from beneath me, no explanation other than “not happy”. I lived with him at his, simply been told to come pick up my stuff at some point and that’s it. 3 years done. I’m gutted

@Catherine0201 so sorry you find yourself here, that sounds horrendous.

@mammynowanauntyIRL everyone tells me it gets better I’m just praying for that day to come soon. I tried speaking to him over the phone and he’s gone stone cold on me, it’s heartbreaking. I really thought this was it for me, he used to be so kind I thought he was the one.

@Catherine0201 you have been through so much. Be kind to yourself. It takes time. There is no quick fix. Gather good people around you and go as no contact as you can.

@Wintersnow17 just do whatever you need to. I have my first weekend with nothing planned coming up. We go away on Monday so need to sort house and pack. Also at the moment ds is refusing to sleep at his dads. So I don't want to be too far away so he can come back when he wants to

I decided to take the week off. Ds needs me at home. He is struggling at school and very emotional. I haven't taken a day off work in about 14 years. So feel bad but ds needs me and I'm done in emotionally.

@eve34 family first, work will be there after all of us. Enjoy time away too
@Catherine it's a cycle of grief it won't happen overnight but you will get through this. Calling him is only hurting yourself more, unfortunately he's made his decision. I don't say that to hurt you.

Hi all

Hope we’ve all had a good week and are looking forward to the weekend.

@eve34 Hope you have a great holiday and are feeling rested after your time off. You have so much going on that you do right, you need to take care of yourself as much as possible so you’re in the best shape to take care of the kids.

Hugs xx

Have a good weekend too moo

I'm having a day out kind of with dc today - breakfast out & visiting my Nan before having them home for 6pm to go to h's, ds doesn't want to go.
H is still choosing whatever amount he wants to put into joint account. Seems to have settled at around €150 less for some reason.

Hi all. @Catherine0201 I completely agree with @eve34 that in this situation you need to avoid contact as much as possible.
I'm having a bad day today precisely because I didn't follow that advice myself. Got into an email/text exchange with STBXH which soon became hostile and bought back all those horrible feelings of rejection and failure. He will never really accept what he has done and it will always be my fault in his eyes. I don't agree but when subjected to a barrage of his complaints, it's hard to stay strong. So it's best to avoid contact altogether until that doesn't happen. It's hard to do when there are kids but I'm going to try to stick to logistics by email and avoid anything else.
@Wintersnow17 I completely agree that if there were no other woman and none of the incessant lies to deal with, this might be easier. I'm also feeling back to square one today because of going over all that yet again and he is still lying. It's hard to put out of your mind and STBXH won't/can't see how damaging it was and why it has meant we can't just be friends now. I can barely stand to be in the same room as him which is tough while he is still at home.
Hope everyone gets a chance of some rest, respite or fun this weekend x