Getting there slowly....hugs along the way

[mammynowanauntyIRL]

A thread for those facing separation or divorce, whether by choice or your hand forced by spouses behaviour or actions.

We're all at different stages along the journey but need a virtual handhold in this friendly corner of mumsnet to help us along the way

Link to old thread in next post

Hi all, not got a hot water bottle but I am warming myself with a cup of tea and I seem to have been sat on my bed most of the evening. Did an uneventful handover this afternoon but it’s hit me quite hard this time. Perhaps it’s the seasons turning or my ds settling in to his new school, but I had to pull over on the way back and stop for a while. I’ll see him in just over a week at his harvest festival but apart from that it’s a whole two weeks. I know this will change but until that actually happens I’m still in limbo. Having several weeks together over summer hols was great, I guess that’s a part of this loneliness I’m feeling. I’m at the last hurdle to moving but quite scared it’s somehow not gonna work out. Just gonna try stay positive.

abitsad that sounds awful what your ex is doing- it really is no way to behave. If his son is lonely, he shouldn’t be leaving him with his mum to go out on the piss, that’s just wrong. I agree it’s hard to think of how close you once were to someone and how they can just turn so much, it makes my skin crawl. It sounds like you are strong, like sprite said, and have the right head to deal with this.

pinksalmon your ex seems to be putting you in a really rough situation- if he is off holidaying with ow then you shouldn’t take any of his rubbish on and at the very least he should be giving you some emotional space. Obviously I don’t know the ins and outs completely, but I’d limit as much as you can any talk that’s not childcare related. It’s a shock to all our kids what has happened, and it’s not always predictable how they show it but I’m sure you’ll be there for them. Sometimes that’s all you can do, and hope that once the dust settles things will pan out ok. Big hugs all x

Sending lots of love Lonelycrab I struggle with the very small amount of time that I have to not spend with my two, I can't even begin to imagine how hard the long periods that you have to go must be :( Try and stay positive that there is an end in sight and hopefully before you know it you will be settled into your new home and spending much more time with him.

TBH with my ex I've been expecting this to happen at some point, but I had always assumed that he would start to unravel and realise what he had lost once I was doing much better than I currently am! It's been just over a year since he left and I can count on one hand how many conversations we have had in that time 😳 I definitely need to go back to the less contact the better for my sanity I think! We are a long way from managing civilised conversation sadly x

Thanks for your kind words pinksalmon it means a lot. I’ve been having some civil conversations with my ex re childcare but beyond that we don’t talk. Sending you texts like that must be hard to take but ultimately it’s unfair of him. I know you can’t tell your heart how to react but just try and distance yourself, easy as it is to say.

Morning all

@pinksalmon2001 when ex went off with ow I did the grown up thing and said I hope it works out for them. Deep down I wanted her to dump his sorry arse. Now they too are having troubles. And it has knocked me side ways. This journey is an emotional nightmare. Less contact the better I find.

@Lonelycrab as always good advice. I have everything crossed that house news is just around the corner. Maybe the turn in the weather has given us all a bit of a dip?

I have caved and phoned the doctors. I'm not myself the past few days. Maybe I actually need to admit defeat and go off sick. I'm terrified I will just get worse if I'm not working so have pushed through. Not so sure what to do now.

Hi @eve34

Did you go to the doctors ? I am in a similar position to you as I was wondering about taking some sick time too. Partly because I feel so physically drained, I can’t shift this cold and my voice has gone completely now and all I can do is whisper - the kids think it’s hilarious !!

I’m sure it’s all about being rundown due to the stress but I’m like you, work keeps me busy and I am worried if I have a few days without it that it will make it worse as I will be more tempted to look at ex and ow social media and start thinking about things too much.

Hugs xx

@Moocow72 spoke to the doctor on the phone. Gave me different meds. Just need to not feel. And get through. I stopped the last ones. Because I felt better. But also I was sleeping from 9pm and my son was staying up late messing about in his room and I was knocked out. So not really keen on starting different tablets.

Doctor said I am better working. I'm not doing a very good job. But also don't want to be sat around doing nothing. Just going day by day got half term off and we will get to Spain this time.

Sorry to hear you are struggling. Hope you can plan in some time for you.

So sorry to hear that It sounds like we are all going through similar things again . I'm struggling at the moment and wondering how I'm going to get through the next couple of months . Eve - I prefer not to speak to him I always go to pieces when I do. It tears me up , what he's done . I was howling literally all the way from work today . I think it's now the prospect of continuing to move on and thinking that this time last year I was hoping to be back to normal by now - fat chance of that . And also because it's a year and I think a part of me was hoping that they would have split up by now. God knows what it's doing to our bodies , no wonder we're feeling physically and emotionally drained Moo. I've wondered myself how well I'm doing my job but to be honest if I didn't go id be a wreck. If I spend too much time alone it kills me. The people are great and It keeps me going. I would love them to feel our pain for just one day. X hugs all X

Them - obviously him and OW.

@Wintersnow17 I'm so sorry you are finding it difficult. I too just want to weep when I see him. I find myself thinking if I told him to come home would he???? But I know that isn't an option now. Then I'm kicking myself that I should of been nicer to him. And maybe he would of wavered in the early days. But there is no dignity in this at all. I know that ship has well and truly sailed.

I think you are right that the year marker is a hurdle to push past.

As for them still being with the ow. They have to make it work to save face now. Otherwise they just look like complete idiots.

We deserve so much better. It is just the time to heal. It sucks. I'm falling apart like it's day one. And my kids aren't coping. But hey 'it's all for the best'. Don't you know.

Hi @eve34 and @wintersnow17

Not much to add as we all seem to be in the same boat at the moment. I think I just had unrealistic expectations that by now I would be functioning so much better than I am. Particularly as I felt like a few months ago I had it all under control.

Plus with time then I gues your memory plays tricks and I find myself saying “I really should have tried harder” and “Were things really that bad ?” but I’ve had to force myself to face up to what things were genuinely like and how suffocating it was when we were together and he was being so awful to me.

I know there’s no way back, I’ve known that since day one so just need to keep reminding myself of his behaviour rather than think about all the rose-tinted memories that keep popping into my mind.

Doesn’t help that I still have no voice, feel completely grotty and my divorce will be getting heard in court today which I believe results in the production of the decree nisi - so six weeks from now ex can apply for the decree absolute so in a matter of a few months it will all be over. I’m sure he and ow will celebrate this happy event.

Hugs to you xxx hang in we will get through this rough patch

Sending lots of unmumsnetty hugs all round. Although I'm sad that we all seem to be struggling at the moment, it also makes me feel a bit more like it's normal at this stage. Which in a weird way gives me hope that it will pass if that makes sense?!

I think part of my problem is that so many people right back at the start told me that in a years time I would be in a much better place, and that I would look back and realise that this was all for the best. Well we have gone past that magical year and I'm not in a better place, neither are the children and the dickhead that caused all of this mess seems to be spiralling down fast! So of course I immediately feel like I've failed at moving on fast enough because my life isn't that magical new life that I was expecting by now!

I hope you are feeling better quickly Moocow72

I would agree that you are probably better at work eve34 hard though it is, my counsellor advised me to keep my daily routine as normal as possible. Although there have been more bad days than good at work in the past year, I've definitely benefited from being around people at work.

Eve - yes I've been thinking about what I could have done or said, was I horrible? but that's just mind trucks and no doubt guilt from what he's said, then he chose to have an affair - he could have been honest and told me how he felt. Moo- yes I thought I was doing ok but it's all shattered again. Pink - I know what you mean, people keep saying time is the key. And I do feel better than a year ago but it's like you can't shake it off. It's was rubbish at the start then seemed to plateau but now it's that continual drudgery- I think it's because we now know this is it. But you are also right that it's good to know that what we are going through is 'normal'as in we are all going through it, it's not unusual . Keep going everyone, one step at a time and live in the present ie enjoy the little things that come your way xx

Hope it's not too late to join, thank you @diskdrive for suggesting this thread. Reading it has definitely made me feel less alone.
I am also new to being separated and on the way to divorce but my story feels like a cliche. Married 15 years with some significant ups and downs along the way but in the last year, things were really quite good. My husband lost his best friend earlier this year and since then our marriage has been turned upside down and has now ended. He was understandably distraught when it happened but this led to a complete revision of our history - ie everything ever was always awful and I was to blame - lying and secrets and finally embarking on an affair which I have found out about in the usual fashion it seems - a constant drip feed of truth and lies culminating in a message from the OW. Every day brings a new shock but ultimately, according to STBExH, all of it was my fault and he doesn't regret the affair at all.
Before I knew about the affair, but after he had ended the marriage, I spent hours and hours agonising about how I was to blame, yes it really was all my fault etc etc, which was really damaging and stopped me from moving forwards. Today, having had confirmation from OW, I finally feel a burden lift from my shoulders in the knowledge that there was nothing I could have done. He was going to do this whatever I did or said and whatever the reality of our marriage was. Of course I'm not expecting that feeling to last, I've been suffering with terrible anxiety since he first ended things, but at least I have a flavour of the truth.
Otherwise, he continues to be aggressively pushing for 50:50 contact, has threatened to give me no spousal support and I have found out that many other people including mutual friends knew about this affair before I did, which is so humiliating. It has nearly broken me and I have some very dark days, despite good RL support.
I really believe that he had a breakdown following the bereavement and that I and our marriage have been the scapegoat. Knowing what he is capable of means that I would not want to be with him anyway but we have 2 children who are devastated and frightened.
I have always read these types of story on MN but like all of us, I never thought it would happen to me and I could never quite believe trusted partners could behave in such a callous and calculated way.

I've now got to get some energy and motivation to push on with all the practical things. It's so hard when your brain and emotions are in such a tailspin.
Wishing everyone on here the best with their journey too. My friend gave me a quote: "new beginnings are sometimes disguised as painful endings" and I'm really hoping this is true for all of us.

Welcome @hotelzanzibar sorry you find yourself here

Hi hotel I’m sorry to hear about what you have gone through, I relate to so much of what you wrote. The rewriting of history made me feel robbed- how could seemingly happy times be twisted so much? Surely there was something there? It sort of feels like they were just putting up with life- putting on a brave face when all the time thinking: “well this is a bit crap.” It does sound like his loss was the catalyst for something deeper and darker coming out and I don’t blame you for seeing that person underneath and wanting to turn your back. I found that once I realised the truth of who my ex was, it did help but at the same time didn’t solve everything instantly. I hope you can use what you now know to help you move forward.

It’s been very quiet here just sending a hug out to everyone. I’m with my ds on our eow and not much has changed. Have been feeling quite low today, it’s horrible outside and I’m still only with him one full day a fortnight and I guess knowing I’m not gonna see him after tmro lunchtime is getting me down. Still waiting for exchange on my house so still so near, yet so far from moving.

I’ve been having good communication with my ex, we sat together to watch his harvest festival which was a milestone. It’s positive but at the same time so sad. We shared so many years together, so many memories, and here we are sat like virtual strangers to each other. It feels like the whole thing was just a dream now. It was real for me, but knowing she just wanted out, and probably for many years whilst wearing a fake happy face gets me down when I think about it. So trying not to. More hugs all.

Hi @hotelzanzibar

Sorry you find yourself here but I hope you find some comfort. It sounds like you’ve had a lot to put up with - one thing our exes seem to be able to do is make us feel guilty that things are our fault, that if we were different then the problems wouldn’t exist. It’s all rubbish of course and just a way of them offloading their guilt onto us so they can carry on regardless.

Good to hear from you again @lonelycrab -
Sorry you’re feeling a bit down. Must be hard only seeing your ds eow but fingers crossed exchange will happen soon then you can see him more often. You’ve handled it all really well and good that you could both be there for your ds festival as I’m sure it would have meant a lot to him.

I’m still in a bit of a rut, seem to have finally shaken off my illnesses which has helped me get back to being more active. I had a period of being very snide to ex on messages but to be honest all it did was make me feel miserable all the time so I realised it’s not the way forward. I need to move on and accept what he’s done and his situation now with ow. So last week or so has been back to minimal messaging but more “friendly”. I hate what he’s done but I don’t want bitterness to eat me up.

I did something I thought I never would this morning - joined a dating site (briefly). I wanted to see how I felt about looking at other guys and I thought it may be a welcome distraction but it just didn’t feel right. I don’t know if it’s too soon or whether it’s just that I’m not suited to that sort of thing - just looking at loads of photos of strangers just felt weird for me. So I suspended my account. I will see how I feel in a little while but it’s not for me at the moment. I do need distractions, but realised that it’s not right for me yet.

I think I just need to keep busy as much as I can. In a few weeks time ex will be able to apply for the decree absolute so I suspect that I may be officially divorced before Christmas, or soon after. Feels weird but
I guess it’s jusy the next step. I told ex I wouldn’t be changing my name as I don’t want to have a different surname to my kids. So from a practical point of view the divorce won’t make much difference really. I’m sure ex and ow will be breaking out the party poppers though once he’s a single man again.

Hugs to all xx

Morning all. Seems life ticks on. And continues to be a roller coaster.

Crab sorry you are feeling down. Has been a very difficult year for you. Just hope the light at the end of tunnel isn't so far away.

@Moocow72 dignified silence is best. Not always easy. I let my guard down with ex and this has set me back. So I am now back to contact about kids/money only. Good you had a dabble in old. Even if you don't feel ready. It is brutal.

Ex is on holiday with ow. I'm glad it's not me. The thought of being with him now doesn't make me feel sad. His behaviour towards dc makes me angry and sad. But I know I don't want him in my life. So that is some progress

Ds is still struggling. School have put in a lot of support but his fathers actions are speaking volumes. Sadly and I can't make it better for him.

Hope everyone is doing ok. Soon be half term and we will finally get to Spain. Fingers crossed for some sunshine.

Life definitely does tick on as you say Eve! I'm definitely wanting out of this rollercoaster life though :(

Sorry you are feeling a bit down Lonelycrab you have acted with so much dignity all the way through all of this, hopefully that will pay off and life will all get so much better in the near future for you xx

I had a 20 minute spell on OLD a couple of weeks ago Moocow72 and it filled me with such horror that I very quickly deactivated my account! I have a few friends that have met really lovely men through various online sites but the whole thing literally made me shudder :( I'm not sure if it's just because I'm not ready or if it just isn't for me at all!

That's definite progress Eve34 I found ex being on his 2 week holiday with ow a lot harder than I expected too. But at the same time also ex seemed to find it hard, I had a lot more contact with him while he was away than I have had over the last year! Things between them clearly aren't great!

I let my guard down last weekend and went out for lunch and then bowling with ex and the children. It terrified me how easily we fit back together as a family and I don't think it has done me any good at all, so back to absolute bare minimum contact for me too!

Hi @pinksalmon2001

Your experience with OLD sounds same as mine - a brief period of skimming through photos followed by a feeling of complete shock and discomfort that I wasn’t expecting! I did the same and deactivated my account. Again like you I don’t know if too soon or just it’s not for me, I suspect the latter actually but maybe I’ll try again in a few months.

Bottom line is I don’t think I want anyone else in my life at the moment, yes it would be nice to have the distraction but it just doesn’t feel like something I would be committed to. Maybe I just need a “friend with benefits” . But again that’s not really me either.

I guess having been in a relationship since I was 16 that I have no clue how to begin an adult relationship! Obviously things we did when were 16 don’t really apply to us when we’re 46 !

Maybe I’m destined to be single for the rest of my life. But I guess that wouldn’t be so bad, has to be better than being in a relationship that made me unhappy and constantly feel inadequate.

Hope we’re all doing ok, I guess life just goes on doesn’t it and we have no choice but to take each day as it comes.

Hope everyone has some nice plans for weekend xx

Having a bad day today, I completely agree with @pink about that rollercoaster feeling. I can go from a day of feeling positive and able to deal with things, to a day where I feel
I am back at absolute square one, the day he ended our marriage or when I found out about the affair. I'm probably still in denial which is not helpful, with a faint fantasy in my head that he will come to his senses and all this will be over. But of course even then, too much has happened and I don't think I could ever really trust or love him properly again. So I feel stuck, can't move forward, can't go back. It's horrible. Please tell me it gets better!
I've looked at OLD as well but can't even imagine that yet. My self esteem is at an all time low so the thought of putting my self out there is terrifying.
The kids are doing badly, both upset and angry and anxious. Not wanting to go to school or any of their usual activities and not sleeping well either. It's breaking my heart, especially when I feel that this didn't need to happen in the first place.
Hoping everyone is doing ok. A rainy dark day doesn't help when you're trying to think positive!

@hotelzanzibar sorry to hear you are struggling. And that the children are finding the situation difficult. It will settle. I have finally got dd back I get bed after a year of being in with me.

It's my birthday today. I didn't make any plans. Just want it to go by quietly. Thinking back to last year when ex was 'trying'. But did nothing for my birthday that speaks volumes about how much I meant to him.

I too feel content just being. I would rather be in my own than be in a relationship where I meant to little. And I'm in no hurry to rush into anything.

Next challenge with ex is to make plans for Christmas. The chances of him planning and being organised is very small. Not sure how to go about it. I can't force him to make arrangements.

Hi @eve34

Happy Birthday ! I hope you have a good day and treat yourself. I was dreading my birthday back in March but in the end I think I enjoyed it more than the last couple with ex. I went out for tea with the kids and it was really nice, low-key but lovely, I’m not really one for liking being centre of attention but it was good to mark the day.

It certainly is a rollercoaster, I still have days now where I feel lower than I expect to. But it definitely does get better, although maybe better is a strange word to use - I would say more normal. Just accepting what has happened and dealing with it. I think I’ve said before I wouldn’t describe myself as very happy atm, but at the same time I feel much less unhappy than I did when things were bad between me and ex.

It’s all so strange and not a journey I would recommend to anyone but sometimes we just have to accept the consequences of someone else’s decision and make the best of it. I still have a lot of resentment against ex, if he was as unhappy as he says he was for the last few years why did we move house and get into more debt ? Why did he allow us to do that when in the back of his mind he couldn’t see a future for us ? Basically leaving a financial mess for me to try and sort out when it wasn’t even my decision to separate.

But I know no good can come of thinking about this, I just have to make the best of the situation. Have been keeping an eye on rental properties in case ex announces we need to sell and it’s not good - to get a property suitable in the area I want and one that accepts pets is difficult. Only options are moving further away or accepting I will have to pay several hundred pounds more for rent than I’m doing for the mortgage currently. Again seems unfair when not my decision but at the moment he’s not suggesting selling so all i can do is cross my fingers it will stay that way for a while. He doesn’t contribute to mortgage and only pays half the joint debt so I’m not exactly stinging him financially.

Such a miserable windy, rainy day but I’m working at home so it’s nice and cosy being tucked up in the house! Even the dog turned her nose up when I opened the door to let her out this morning.

Hugs all xx

Meant to add I too am wondering about Christmas arrangements. We usually go to his parents but I have no idea what to suggest this year.

I did consider inviting him here and making lunch for him and the kids, as I know the kids would probably like that. But I don’t know whether it’s a good idea as we’ve not all been together for months now so it may be awkward.

Plus he may want to be with his gf and kids so I really don’t know what to do for the best.

@Moocow72 You are a better person than me. I would not have ex at my table any day let alone Christmas. As much as I would like to be a better person I'm am far from. At the point of being sociable to the man. His actions continue to be unforgivable.

@eve34 To be honest I’m not sure I’m that big of a person. The idea of it sounds, in theory, possible but whether I can actually do it is another matter. Sitting at the same table as him, knowing he probably woke up in ow bed that morning and has played Santa with her kids before coming to see his own, is probably too much to expect me to be able to stomach.

Even thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. Plus what even if I brought myself to suggest it and he refused, saying he was with ow or that he didn’t think it was appropriate. Will make me feel even worse that he’s humiliated me again.

So we’ll see, not mentioned it to anyone yet. I’m determined this Christmas Day will be better than the last though as it was just a farce, going through the pleasantries with his family etc knowing we were about to announce the separation.

I’m honestly tempted to just go away with the kids in the middle of nowhere but that’s probably not fair on them as they will want to see their Dad and grandparents etc

I bet he’s not even giving it a second thought - yet again an example of us dealing with the fallout while they skip along in their happy new lives.

xx