Getting there slowly....hugs along the way

[mammynowanauntyIRL]

A thread for those facing separation or divorce, whether by choice or your hand forced by spouses behaviour or actions.

We're all at different stages along the journey but need a virtual handhold in this friendly corner of mumsnet to help us along the way

Link to old thread in next post

H signed an adult caution admitting he assaulted me 💪🏻

I did mean you @spritesobright - sorry! Sounds a very hard situation for you when he still feel entitled to put his opinions in when actually it will be you that has to live with them. Hope you are enjoying your lie in this morning at least!

@HelpMeDoThisPlease hello and sorry you find yourself here but there are some amazing supportive people on this thread. Am relatively new to it too and have already found some of the insights people have to affairs/separation/exes really resonate and make me realise I am not alone and not to blame. I hope it's the same for you. I haven't read your other thread yet but will have a look for it.

STBX is moving into his new rented house this week. He is taking the kids to have pizza there with OW and her kids today, which is horrible for me but hopefully will be ok for the kids. There is no furniture so they can't stay over yet at least which is a relief . He's coming to collect his stuff whilst we are out tomorrow. Every stage feels awful but is also another step down the road towards moving on I guess. I can't wait until all the practical stuff is sorted and I can stop having to think about it/him.

A couple of weeks after he left he messaged me at 10 in the morning to say he was taking OW and her kids for lunch and could he also invite our kids. At the time my 14 year old was still finding it hard to see him at all and the 12 year old was having nightmare and still having to come in with me every night, so I said I didn't think it was a good idea just yet and could he plan it better and give more notice. He didn't reply and I was expecting it to come up again very soon but he didn't mention it. Then last weekend he had the kids for the day and when they came back DS2 was very edgy and stressed. He later asked if it was Ok to tell me about his day and it turned out STBX had taken him to the park to meet ow and then told him not to tell me! Makes me realise what a crap parent he can be and how completely inconsiderate of his kids needs he is. Ds1 didn't want to go apparently - he wouldn't be seen dead in a park .

Had the first collaborative divorce meeting last week too. It was icky and awkward and stressful but does seem a better way of doing things. My solicitor pulled him up on the rubbish way he is dealing with the kids and talked about how he needed to plan and manage the situation. He made all the right noises about telling the kids about his impending move and timescales in a managed way but by that evening OW's son had already told DS2 everything anyway so that was a waste of time.

Hi @diskdrive

You are certainly right about social media - I’ve blocked ex, ow and some of her family so I’m not tempted to look. I know I can always unblock but I’m hoping that I won’t now that things won’t automatically pop up on my timeline.

I seriously considered stopping social media but I find it nice at times, keeping in touch with old friends and seeing posts that make me laugh so I just need to resist temptation re ex.

I realise I just need to accept ex and ow, it still breaks my heart the fact that she has younger kids and as time goes on they will become close to my kids but I can’t carry on the way I have been as it’s just not healthy for me.

Had a few unpleasant text exchanges with ex this week where he accused me of being snide regarding ow and her kids. I responded saying if me being snide was the worst I did to him he was getting off lightly! He also tried to play martyr about not being in the nice family home with the kids. I told him in no uncertain terms all of this was his decision, that he had made the decision that it was worth breaking the family up for what he has now and also that he has never slummed it (he lives in a nice, modern rented flat due to the fact that I have taken majority of the financial responsibilities) so it’s not like he’s had to crash on a mates couch or live in a bedsit. I reminded him none of it was my decision and I’d just had to accept the direction his life had gone in with ow etc

Of course him being him he can never just accept what I say and replied saying what I’d said was “mostly true” but he wasn’t trying to me a martyr.

I just find it all so incredibly tiring at the moment, I have been unwell for a couple of weeks now. Just colds going round the three of us but makes it so much harder to deal with things and being so tired means I’m not exercising as much which always leaves me frustrated.

I just wish I could blank ex and ow out my head and get on with my life. I guess in time I will, just need to get out of the rut I’ve got stuck in.

Hugs all x

Sorry @diskdrive also meant to say I hope things go ok with your kids with their lunch at ex new place and hope it’s not too hard for you.

It really sucks that we have to share our kids with a family that are strangers to this. I tried to get that across to ex once and he just kept saying I won’t be sharing them. But not sure how he comes to that conclusion when clearly they will spend time with ow and her kids more as time goes on.

xx

Morning all

Another weekend looms. And not so nice out today.

@mammynowanauntyIRL yes weekend are rubbish. Miss the kids when they aren't here. Missing being a family unit when they are. Just going to take time I guess. Like everything else .

@HelpMeDoThisPlease sorry you have found your self here. Gather good people around you and look after yourself as best you can.

@diskdrive It is a big adjustment knowing they are playing happy families with our kids. I know how hard it is. I have not said a word from day one ow was on the scene and in reflection it was better to get all the hurt done in one go. I don't like it any less than I did in-the start. But I also know my two are a pain and it isn't all picnics and Disney films. Stay strong.

@Moocow72 Well done for blocking them. Ex has unblocked me so we can use messenger. Wished he hadn't as their smug smiling faces make me want to be sick. But I just message then delete. Good for you saying your piece. They don't like to be reminded that there is still fall out from their decision. We were meant to praise them for being so cleaver and all be happy by now 🙄

Things have been up and down here. And I have had to reduce contact as ds was getting really anxious about seeing his dad. This had meant more contact with ex. Which I really don't want but in reflection I should of been less stubborn and talked to him more about how ds is feeling and maybe it wouldn't of got to this point. Not that I think he would take it on board then. Ex has admitted he is struggling with how things have turned out. I have offered to be supportive but I know deep down it isn't for the right reasons. I don't want him back. He won't ever change but I do still love him. It didn't need to be like this. But it is and we will come out the other side. I need to be adult and stop being so bloody hurt.

Love to all of you

My husband has said he wants out from our marriage. We were together 11 years, and I did love him although over the past few years he has been emotionally absent to me. He refused to go on family holidays with me, and said im no fun. I do all the donkey work and he comes and goes as he pleases. He wants 50% custody but he doesnt do that now! He told me 2 months ago he didnt know if he wanted to be married so i tried to change. I went on anxiety meds and joined a CBT group too. We have a little man of 7. I'm absolutely shattered as yesterday I found out he has been sexting several women. I was devastated enough without this. I feel abandoned and scared about the future. Everything feels unreal. Reading others posts is helping though.

Hi @Abitsadbuthopeful

Welcome to the thread but sorry you’ve found yourself here.

I’m sure some of the others will be able to offer advice but I think what you need is to try and take back some control - and get some space between you both so you can look at the situation clearly. Do you have anywhere you and your ds could go or could your husband go and stay somewhere for a while ?

Your dh sounds like a lot of our exes, is blaming you for everything and making you feel like it’s all down to you - he needs a good dose of reality in what life will be like when he doesn’t have someone with him doing everything for him.

It certainly sounds like you will be better off without him in your life, sucking away all your self confidence. But of course when there are children involved as mothers we want to keep things together for them.

I allowed myself to feel as if it was all my fault, that if I could change he would behave better. But the reality was it didn’t matter what I did - it would never be good enough as he had already decided it was over years before he told me. He just made my life a misery every day until he found someone else and then finally had the guts to end it so he could go off and start a new relationship.

Please look after yourself and think of what is best for you and your ds. I can guarantee you that when you have some space you will see the situation much clearer and realise you are better off without him. But as you can see from the posts on here it is a bit of a rollercoaster and we all have good and bad days, even months after we have separated.

Hugs xx

@eve34

Sorry to hear your ds is struggling. Like you say, I think our exes just assume by now all will be happy and what they’ve done will be a distant memory. I think sometimes with kids (and to be honest I’m like this too) it takes a while for it all to sink in and often the first few months everyone is in shock and haven’t really accepted what has happened.

I think you are being fantastic with your ex -
It seems like you know what he’s like and realise that it would never work between you anymore but you can still offer him support. That’s very admirable and I hope in time I will feel the same way about my ex as even though my feelings are very raw at the moment, deep down I would like to think we could be more civil and maybe even friends in the future.

But for now I need to protect myself and make the best life I can in the current situation x

God love you for replying Moocow. I've asked him to move out for a bit but the selfish man won't even though my head is wrecked. The house is to go on the market next week. I am so totally gobsmacked how he can seemingly move on so quick like our time together meant nothing. I wonder now did I dream the whole marriage even the good parts. I am looking forward to getting my own place, but I think he will be difficult about the custody arrangements even though he said he wouldn't be originally. Xx

Welcome abitsad and helpmedo just try and post on here as much as possible- just getting things out can be very therapeutic. There’s not usually an easy answer, if there was we wouldn’t all be here, but know that with time you will get stronger although there are many peaks and troughs.

moo I wish I had an answer to make you feel a bit better. You and many others here have been such a source of strength to me this year. I too have had health problems this year when Ive always been pretty fit on the past. It’s the stress and it does impact on our ability to fight off stuff like normal. Apart from the obvious of eating and sleeping as well as possible, trying to be a bit more active helped me I think- just getting up a sweat and heart rate up a bit do me some good. It also gave me a channel for the latent anger I held inside. I know it must be tough but remember this isn’t forever- your kids are growing up and I think will, in time, see that you are the parent that was there for them. Although it may seem a million miles off, you will meet someone someday, for the right reasons and at the right time, and perhaps at that time your ex will not be in such a good place. At least you didn’t give up and run away, I think that if you do that and try and “replace” your partner it will ultimately fail because running away from something is not the answer. So keep your head down and know that your dignity will see you in good stead, with time. I know it’s not easy though.

mammy good to hear you’re not doing to bad, I hope having an official caution against your ex makes you feel more safe. Any man who raises his fist to a woman is a failed human being imo. I hope you are moving towards a time where you can be further away from your ex, to rebuild and move on some more.

eve it must be incredibly hard for you. It seems like your ex is finding out the grass wasn’t greener at all. You have become much stronger these last few months- you have had so much to deal with and you’ve handled the impossible. You can’t tell your heart what to feel, but it is obvious you have a good, strong heart and one day you will make someone very happy.

Got my ds here for my eow so all good here, but my one full day every fortnight just seems to go so quickly. House exchange still dragging... I can see why; the country could be about to go off a cliff (could I know not will) so I guess caution is to be expected. But until I move I can’t get those extra days of time with my ds. Hope that changes soon. And sprite.... spill the beans- how was your date? Hugs all xxx

@Abitsadbuthopeful sorry you have found yourself here. Just be kind to yourself. Try and distance your self from your husband. He isn't the person he use to be. And has checked out already. Gather good people around you and just do what you can to get through each day.

@Moocow72 Thank you for your kind words. I know if I get involved I am going to end up getting hurt. And I don't think there is anything I can do. But wanted him to know I'm not completely soulless. He is debt, living in shared rented accommodation and I think that he is realising life isn't all drinking and parties. And maybe he is missing the kids and the easy life he had with me. He didn't have to do a thing. I did and organised life for us all. I don't know. I am just guessing and I am sure I will never know. I just need to keep my emotions in check.

@Lonelycrab thank you for your kind words. Although I am sure In time I will move on. I still don't ever see how anyone would stay with me if ex can walk away from the family/me/home. But I am sure in time it will lessen. And although I know it isn't about me. It is about him. Those ties should of been enough for him to put wrong whatever wasn't right.

Hope you have a good weekend with your ds. I know the weekends must fly by. But it is only a matter of time and you will be in your new house and being so much more involved in his day to day life. You are a shining example to us all to be moving forward and starting the next chapter.

Right I should be doing house work!

Hello all. Sorry you find yourselves here newcomers but you are welcome and it's a great place to vent and get great support and advice. Diskdrive, I think you're right when you said is he reinventing himself by going on FB. He's not happy with the person he was and wants to change it all be it at the cost of my misery . Also the OW is much younger of course so trying to keep /impress her. Eve, Moo and others with children it must be so awful for you sharing your children. You all sound so dignified , I'm not sure I could cope with that so thankful I'm not in that position. I know my brain finds it hard to switch off unless I'm kept really busy and I also know I'll be rid of him at some point but if you've got children you've got to communicate and put up with them. What I am starting to feel now though as well as anger at what he has done is incredibly sad that it ended like this. But tomorrow's another day and I'll probably think differently then .
Weekends are s**t always need to plan ahead to make sure I'm not on my own or I've got peopl to see. It is mentally draining .
Hope everyone has got nice things planned, autumnal today X X

DS1(14j has come home early from the 'meet the OW and her kids' visit in a complete state. My heart is breaking for him. DS2 has stayed - he is finding it all very exciting as one of her kids is his friend. Not sure which is harder for me but at least he is ok!

STBX is going to seriously damage his relationship with DS1 if he doesn't stop rushing and pushing.

We've ordered pizza and are going to snuggle on the sofa and watch a film.

Hi @diskdrive

Sorry your ds found it hard yesterday. I hope this serves as a lesson to your ex that he needs to be patient and take it at an appropriate pace otherwise he will end up ruining his relationship forever.

I hope you had a nice evening - it’s really good though that your DS is being honest about his feelings. I worry that mine feel an obligation to keep both me and their dad happy so often I think they hide any worries they may have. Which is obviously worse in the long run.

I think your DS2 is more at the age where they take things at face value and if one of OW kids is his friend then he will just think of that, he won’t look at the bigger picture like DS1 will do.

xx

Last night my little man was due to stay at the ex's mothers. I have been feeling down and I know my wee boy has too. So I called in to see him yesterday evening and he said he wanted to come home with me instead of staying with her. I said that was OK and brought him home, cancelled my sunday plans and held his hand like he asked till he fell asleep beside me, snuggled in my bed. So ex sends a text - angry and saying that I am manipulating small child against him, which isn't a bit true. Also says this behaviour is all down to my mental health etc. Of course last night he was out on the piss for the second time this week, with loads of young student nurses, and he's the one instigation the separation.
I did say that what he is putting us through is quite normal to be anxious, tired, angry, I'm tired of him always invalidating my feelings but that's another story......
On top of that he said he wants 50% custody so I said right 50% starts now even though we are in the same house, so he said right I'll take him for a bike ride. I reminded him theres the ironing, the tea to make and packed lunches to do. And guess what he went very quiet!!

He also doesn't want me going to a solicitor and said we don't need to do that. Of course we do because I no longer trust you.

Seriously can' t believe I even used to sleep with this manipulative evil nasty barsteward!
I'm looking forward to getting out of this situation.

Sorry to hear you are having such a bad time @Abitsadbuthopeful . It sounds like your son just needed a bit of normality and home comfort and you did the best thing by showing him that you are listening to him. It's hard because everything we do that doesn't fit in with exes plans seems to be taken as evidence of anger or revenge, but you know you were doing it for your child's sake,

50/50 splits rarely work I think and sounds like the reality wouldn't be quite how he imagines it anyway!

Stay strong and look after yourself and your DS.

Evening all

Hope everyone has had a good day.

@Wintersnow17 yes it is exhausting planning a social life. But in time I am sure we will find some peace in just being. I didn't have any plans this weekend luckily as ex only had kids for 6 hours instead of whole weekend. But that is another story.

@diskdrive fingers crossed ex starts to take things a your children's pace? Really hope so. Mine didn't. And I am suffering the fall out now with my eldest. He no longer wants to see his dad. The children will remember who was there keeping it all together for them. Stay strong

@Abitsadbuthopeful sorry to hear you are having troubles. And it was right thing for you and ds for him to come home. Although my children found it confusing when parents were in the wrong place. And I no longer take the kids to the car. It just gets emotional. I know as a child. I was fine with my dad unless my mum phoned. Although I think your ds is much younger than mine. And most men start ranting about 50/50 care but don't like a reality of it. Stat strong and make sure you have a good solicitor.

Up and down weekend here. Summer has defiantly finished. I have the heating on. Hot water bottles out and the electric blanket on my bed. Ex hated it. Hope everyone had a good week

Eve I wear pjs every night now, h took it as a personal insult if I wore them as s*x wasn't likely to be an option then. I've had hot water bottles last couple of nights too, maybe I'll get an electric blanket next year #livingthedream

I can't sleep unless I have pyjamas. The electric blanket is wonderful. Now just got to keep the kids off it 😀

I've my hot water bottle too. And I get to lie right across the bed. There are some plus points to being dumped

Abitsad your post broke my heart. That was almost exactly me 4 months ago. DH declaring he didn't love me and was leaving, demandibg 50/50 custody when that was never our arrangement. Then it turned out he was having an affair.
I was in bits and couldn't imagine life without him.
It does get better though and your friends and family will rally round (I told EVERYONE). And you pick yourself up and find an inner strength you never knew you had.
Yoy already sound really strong to me though.
Crab since you asked, my date went well. No spark but lovely guy and it was a welcome distraction all week.
I have another date tomorrow lined up. I can't handle the emotional stuff right now but a friend with benefits would be ideal.
So sorry to hear about children in distress from unthoughtful exes. Disgraceful behaviour on their part. I am furious on your behalf!

I'm another one with pjs and a hot water bottle now, in the long winter last year after ex left it was literally the only way I could sleep!

It's been a tough few days here, the kids aren't dealing well with ex being away on his two week holiday with ow (unsurprisingly!), I've had a lot of meltdowns and emotional outbursts from ds who is 9. I had previously thought he was coping well, although perhaps a little too well, but it's definitely time for me to go into school and ask for some support for him.

My ex also seems to be unraveling, two weeks of 24/7 each other with no daily life distractions seems to be forcing him to think about his shitty decisions. I've had a couple of long phone calls with him and several texts and he is sounding more and more unhinged each time.

It's breaking my heart all over again because he finally seems to be realising the foreverness of his decision and that he really has lost everything. But it doesn't change anything :( I still love him as much as I ever have but I know I could never forgive him. So onwards we go I guess!

Oh @pinksalmon2001 what a rubbish time you are having. Hope the school can offer you son some support. We will all get through this. I think it is rather shitty of your ex to be calling you. I'm sure ow isn't pleased about him making calls. It is a difficult balancing act and you are being braver than I was at that stage being able to talk to him. Even now I don't want to but know I have got to swallow what pride I have left and be more friendly towards him in front of the kids. Reality sucks sometimes.

eve34 it doesn't do me any good at all to speak to him, emotionally I go to pieces when I do :(He actually phoned to speak to the children the other day (which is a rarity in itself), so I let both of them speak and then hung up without speaking myself as I had no desire to speak to him while he was on holiday with her! He phoned straight back to see why I didn't talk to him, then I ended up getting drawn into conversation with him.

In a tiny way, seeing how miserable he actually is, is helping me a tiny bit! I know we can't fix us, there's no going back, but knowing that he isn't living the fairytale romance that I imagine in my head helps a little bit! I'm a bit worried about him though, I had a few texts about how his life wasn't worth living anymore etc. It's so hard to stop caring about someone how has destroyed your whole life x