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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found photos on my husbands laptop...

133 replies

Thsusnsjsjsh · 20/08/2018 16:46

Hello

I am writing in desperation as i really dont know where to turn to. I hope someone can help.

Yesterday I was compiling a calendar using our old photos and came across some photos from holiday a few years ago when me and my partner were engaged. I left the holiday 2 days early, so he had 2 days to himself.

In the photos (dated on the days i wasnt there) i found "creepshots" - photos of random attractive female strangers, focussing on body parts like the bum or legs. I also found photos of a dodgy massage parlour, with a photo taken of the masseuse from behind, bending over with a really short skirt on. It seems that none of these women were aware of their photos being taken.

When i confronted my husband about it, he denied all knowledge of the photos and complete shock that they were there. He said he had no idea where they came from. That his friends send him random stuff all the time. In one of the photos of the girls, i could see the signs in french - and i know the country we holidayed in spoke french.

Plus when i checked the properties of the photos, they were taken by the same model as his phone. I feel i have overwhelming evidence, but he is so strongly denying it, i dont know what to do. I have a history of antenatal depression so he is suggesting we go couples therapy - but i feel he is trying to deflect attention from what hes done.

What do you all think... is it possible that the photos were sent from his friends? If not then why is he lying to me and denying it all? I feel like i have lost trust in him completely.

OP posts:
adviceonthepox · 20/08/2018 20:16

I've worked with mainly men all my working life and some of them do send each other stuff like that. It's usually stuff from when they go on dating sites and share personal pictures Confused not all men do it but a lot do! I've given up telling them how foul they are.

Original poster
Thsusnsjsjsh · 20/08/2018 20:23

@tribpot thank you for that, that will definitely help me when speaking with him. I really appreciate that thank you :)

@mammyofonlyone when i asked him he says he has absolutely no memory or knowledge of these photos - let alone who sent them.

We are both fairly religious so when i told him to promise in front of God, he said he was speaking the truth. So i guess its between them now.

They way they are so adamant can really mess with your mind. Like he has not wavered once.

I cannot thank you all enough for the support. I honestly have no one to turn to. You have all given me strength and clarity on what has been one of the most difficult times in my life.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thsusnsjsjsh · 20/08/2018 20:27

@adviceonthepox yes this is what he tells me. Like its a normal thing that i am overreacting about and that his friends message him with things like that all the time. That the WhatsApps slipped in there somehow and he has no knowledge of it.

But like @tribpot mentioned, the fact that his phone model is listed and the timing checks out chronologically with his other photos makes sense to me.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/08/2018 20:36

So that thing about telling the truth before God ? It's a bit like swearing on your kid's life. And we know what hokum that is.

Timefortea99 · 20/08/2018 20:36

He is a sleaze bag. He is bang to rights. This is not about you and and any perceived deficiencies, it is all about him and his warped ideas of women, sex, control. All the evidence stacks up. Do not be swayed by his arguments about you being depressed. He is setting out his excuses in case you go public, putting the blame on you.

What goes on I need their heads. Do you think women would get thrills from snapping at a shapely calf.....

Original poster
Thsusnsjsjsh · 20/08/2018 22:43

@timefortea99 shapely calf 😂😔

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 20/08/2018 22:51

I almost feel like saying you should go to couples counselling.

Let him explain to the Counsellor what's upset you. See if the Counsellor is able to hide the revulsion on his/her face. It will be obvious he's a liar, and a voyeur.

I actually think if you agree to go he will find a way to back out of it. He'll know his 'a mate sent them to me' crap won't be believed. I feel angry on behalf of the unsuspecting women who've had photos taken without their consent.

So sorry OP. An idea would be counselling alone, to explore your feelings withoit him there trying to twist things. the

Saggital · 20/08/2018 22:53

Maybe it’s god’s will that he accidentally took those pictures. That’s ok then.

Butterymuffin · 20/08/2018 22:56

Hope you can find your own anger at some point OP. He's maintaining his angry, adamant stance as he knows it'll make you doubt yourself (look at how Trump behaves for something similar). But you must feel like saying 'what kind of idiot do you think I am, to tell me that it's a coincidence these photos were taken on your type of camera, on the two days when you were in that country and I wasn't with you, but not taken by you? How can you insult me by expecting me to believe that?'

Original poster
Thsusnsjsjsh · 20/08/2018 23:08

Lol @saggital

@mistressdeecee i have my PND psychiatrist as well as my mental health midwife who have been a great support to me. Maybe i will try the couples counselling if only to see what he says. But i get a feeling like many people have said where he could make the problem about me instead and therefore deflect attention from what he has done.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thsusnsjsjsh · 20/08/2018 23:12

@butterymuffin believe me i did the angry yesterday. I feel it even now too. I swore, insulted him, said all the things i wanted to say. He is adamant. But i think i will give him an ultimatum. To admit what he did and move forward with that, or to separate (he to stay elsewhere) so i can have space to think about the future.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 20/08/2018 23:18

Sorry OP, I hadn't picked up that you'd done that. In that case I think I'd tell him that you want to separate. You've already effectively done the ultimatum, and he's still trying to bluff his way to making you doubt yourself. Time to make him aware of how serious this is for you. I am sorry this has happened to you Flowers

Original poster
Thsusnsjsjsh · 20/08/2018 23:26

No thats fine @butterymuffin i really appreciate your advice. I guess im at the angry / denial phase and working out my options now. Just such a crazy, emotionally upsetting situation.

OP posts:
midgesforever · 20/08/2018 23:53

If you have couple counselling be sure it is neutral and doesn't place a strong emphasis of issues such as forgiveness, some more religious based counselling can be biased towards keeping marriages together rather than a more neutral stance.

Any sexually abusive behaviour is thought to have a strong basis in co troll and the misuse of power. Are there any other concerns that you would have around that. (I don't mean you have to post them, it is just something to think over)

Jsku · 21/08/2018 00:23

OP - let me start by saying that I had a PND myself and it was a difficult time....
So - I guess you can’t really answer that - but are you absolutely sure you aren’t over-reacting???

Have you seen any other pictures with later dates? Have you checked?

While not commendable - it’s also possible that he was on his own for a few days and took those pics to share with his buddies. Not great behaviour - but not hard core voyerism either.
And - he may not remember it. Especially if it was that one occasion. And he didn’t consider it a big deal at the time.

Are you really going to separate over this? With you having PND and a baby???

WindowsSmindows · 21/08/2018 00:31

behind every depressed woman is a man saying "what? I'm not doing anything"

doucherama · 21/08/2018 01:36

If you really want the confession, you could try the following:

You could maybe take his computer/laptop out of the house with you and take it out in the car or to a friend/relatives house. Then once you're safely away from him, call him and tell him that you're taking them to the police station. Tell him that you're going to get the deleted files forensically reinstated and traced back to the original source. Tell him that you're extremely worried that the because the voyeurism videos are highly illegal, that you want to find out if there are any other illegal files on there as you want to know exactly where they came from and exactly what you're dealing with.

Do this from a safe distance and then ask him if he's got anything to confess or otherwise you're turning his equipment into the police. And then watch him sing like a birdy...

But you already know that he's a lying, cheating, gaslighting, perverted, prostitute-using piece of shit. So feel free to walk away, you know what you know.

So sorry OP. Look after yourself. Thanks

midgesforever · 21/08/2018 02:06

jsku, while the only person who can decide whether OP should stay in the relationship or not is OP herself the other way of looking at it is: Should OP stay with a DH whose response to having been found out visiting a massage parlor and taking voyeuristic photos is to deny the photographs and highlight OP's mental health, while threatening to leave her. It seems more than possible that her mental health might pick up when not living with someone who angrily lies and gaslights OP.

MissLadyM · 21/08/2018 02:08

What a fucking creep! Dump him, he's a horror

thebewilderness · 21/08/2018 02:31

You need to stop asking him.
I am so sorry that you found out who he is this way.
You need to deal with what is in front of you right now. Then you need to talk to your family and make a plan.

Original poster
Thsusnsjsjsh · 21/08/2018 02:45

Thank you everyone 😔

OP posts:
esk1mo · 21/08/2018 02:46

was he inside the massage parlour? because i doubt all that went on was “massage” Hmm

honestly OP, this thread makes me quite uncomfortable. your DH is a problem to women. i hope he gets caught one day by someone he tries to photograph and he gets what he deserves.

TammySwansonTwo · 21/08/2018 07:07

Not great behaviour - but not hard core voyerism either.

So you’re okay with random dudes taking photos of your ass without your knowledge while you go about daily life, so they can wank to them?

If you were one of the victims of this would you be trivialising it?

Doingreat · 21/08/2018 10:44

I feel so sad for you op. 4 weeks away from giving birth and going through this heartbreaking situation. I think you need to prioritize your health now and disengage with him. You won't get answers from him. You know what you saw. Men like him don't back down. They will wear you down till you doubt yourself. Please get real life support for yourself and focus on your pregnancy for now. Do you have family nearby? Friends? You don't need to tell them the details. Just tell them you're going through a difficult time with your husband and ask for support. Please don't confront him any more. A pp said something about shame being so powerful that it can make someone rewrite their past. Men like that can easily turn nasty and violent. Please look after yourself
He honestly is not worth this angst.

Thinking of you. Xx

Jsku · 21/08/2018 11:53

@midgesforever

OP’s husband wasn’t using her mental health or threatening to leave her.

I was just picking up on some of her comments and asking questions.
It’s unclear from this one post what is actually going on. If there are more pictures, etc.
Or if this is something that became much bigger than it actually is.

As I had PND myself - I know that in that state a lot of things look and seem not like they are in reality.
And making any sensible life choices in that time isn’t easy.
Like deciding to separate, for example....
And all I was saying - stop and think again. Look at all the evidence. And be aware that your reactions right now are maybe affected by your situation.

@TammySwansonTwo
I am currently on the beach. And have no idea is anyone is taking a picture of my bottom and wanking to it. But frankly - don’t care either.
My bikinied bottom is on public display - so if anyone is looking - and later inagines it while wanking - no, it’s not hardcore voyerism....
If they hide in the bushes by my bathroom window - where I expect privacy - that would be.

However - we just do NOT know what is gong on with OP’s husband.
Maybe it was a one time dare that he stupidly participated in - and sent pics to a friend.
Maybe massage parlour pic was not him - but sent to him....
Just because it was made on a same type of a phone - proves nothing - we all have similar phones...

Rather than scream LTB and destroy a family based on possibly incorrect information - isn’t it better to stop and think logically. And - at least investigate more???