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Original poster

Found photos on my husbands laptop...

133 replies

Thsusnsjsjsh · 20/08/2018 16:46

Hello

I am writing in desperation as i really dont know where to turn to. I hope someone can help.

Yesterday I was compiling a calendar using our old photos and came across some photos from holiday a few years ago when me and my partner were engaged. I left the holiday 2 days early, so he had 2 days to himself.

In the photos (dated on the days i wasnt there) i found "creepshots" - photos of random attractive female strangers, focussing on body parts like the bum or legs. I also found photos of a dodgy massage parlour, with a photo taken of the masseuse from behind, bending over with a really short skirt on. It seems that none of these women were aware of their photos being taken.

When i confronted my husband about it, he denied all knowledge of the photos and complete shock that they were there. He said he had no idea where they came from. That his friends send him random stuff all the time. In one of the photos of the girls, i could see the signs in french - and i know the country we holidayed in spoke french.

Plus when i checked the properties of the photos, they were taken by the same model as his phone. I feel i have overwhelming evidence, but he is so strongly denying it, i dont know what to do. I have a history of antenatal depression so he is suggesting we go couples therapy - but i feel he is trying to deflect attention from what hes done.

What do you all think... is it possible that the photos were sent from his friends? If not then why is he lying to me and denying it all? I feel like i have lost trust in him completely.

OP posts:
peekyboo · 20/08/2018 17:41

He's suggesting couples counselling to spread the blame. It's like saying to you, "I know we have problems, let's sort them out together". It makes you part of any problem.

Whereas if he admitted he was in the wrong he'd have to take full blame and responsibility, and also fix it. But he doesn't want to do that

What he really, really wants to do is make you completely to blame for it, hence the deep anger. After all, him being angry shows it's your fault, because you're making him angry.

Can you see the mental and emotional maze he has you walking around?

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 20/08/2018 17:43

Personally I’d be more worried about the fact that he was at a dodgy massage parlour Sad I don’t think it’s being OTT to have an std check to be honest , sorry I know it’s hard to think about it but you have to consider your child too.

I’m so sorry op that you’re going through this op . Thinking of you Flowers xxxx

Storm4star · 20/08/2018 17:44

Shame is a very powerful emotion and it can go so far as to make people rewrite history in their heads. Clearly he never expected you to find out and now you have, it's blindsided him. Not excusing him at all, but I doubt he is deliberately trying to be manipulative. He needs to be honest with you, but he needs to be honest with himself first and that is going to be challenging for him.

He is the one that needs counselling. It's not a "couple" issue, it's his issue. I agree you need someone to confide in, in real life. This is a very heavy weight to carry on your own. You're in such a difficult situation as you're due to give birth and that makes many options extremely difficult.

However, very few will agree with this but (and this is only if you think you may still want to be with him) I might actually consider the couples counselling, for two reasons. One being, that any counsellor faced with what you have told us is going to clearly see the truth and challenge him on it. Secondly, I do wonder if he's suggested it as a "safe space" to actually confess. He is most likely terrified you're going to leave him so if he confesses during a counselling session he maybe see's it as having someone there to help you both work through it.

If you don't feel you can be with him because of what he has done (which is perfectly understandable) then it is an easy answer. You end the relationship. If you want to stay with him and deal with it, it is definitely a long hard road. That's your decision to make.

PPPMA · 20/08/2018 17:46

Definitely him. Sorry OP.

No man has a memory so short that they wouldn't remember being sent such photos.

Photos like this don't tend to automatically save to a specific folder on a laptop. You'd have to save it yourself.

The fact that it was taken in a place you holidayed where he spent two days on his own is worrying.

It's the same model of phone as his.

An innocent man would be absolutely furious that you could even believe he would do something like this, and certainly wouldn't jump to 'couples counselling' as a solution.

If it were me, I would tell him to forget being in my life and forget being at the birth of his child unless he admits what he has done, and why he did it. If this isn't enough for him to tell the truth then I think you have your answer.

PPPMA · 20/08/2018 17:47

Secondly, I do wonder if he's suggested it as a "safe space" to actually confess

I did wonder this too.

thethoughtfox · 20/08/2018 17:48

Sending seedy pictures or porn amongst males is only common with seedy groups of men.

PPPMA · 20/08/2018 17:50

@thethoughtfox agreed. I would be worried that his friends thought it was ok to send him stuff like this... my DP is in a few group chats and they'll send a pic of a celebrity female looking all beautiful occasionally, but illegal upskirt shots of women who are completely unaware? I would want to know which friend sent it to him to ensure he never entered my home.

midgesforever · 20/08/2018 18:00

If he uploaded all of the photos from his phone to the computer this could include WhatsApp photos from his friends. It isn't normal to send round to your friends copies of illicitly taken photos. At the very least he has some really poor boundaries as do his friends. Can he tell you which of friends enjoy doing this? At worst this is just him for his enjoyment.

Original poster
Thsusnsjsjsh · 20/08/2018 18:01

@Storm4Star this was my thinking. That he would confess it to me there. I found it odd that his almost instant reaction was to suggest couples counselling. He even asked me if "i was okay" (i.e. meaning my antenatal depression) and he is a very proud man. I think him leaving it on his laptop was an oversight, the folder has not been touched for 4 years (you can see on the dates) so he must have not realised he downloaded them there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thsusnsjsjsh · 20/08/2018 18:04

@PPPMA yes that was my thought - how could you have absolutely no memory whatsoever of these images. That is concerning in itself that these images are considered normal to him. There is not a doubt in my mind that he took them. What upsets me is the fact that he has lied and is continuing to lie about it.

OP posts:
midgesforever · 20/08/2018 18:04

Are there any other dodgy photos? It seems remarkable if the only days his friends have sent these photos to him are the two day period when you weren't there! WhatsApp photos just upload in strict date order on my phone.

midgesforever · 20/08/2018 18:07

Are there any other places where such images could be stored? None of this has anything to do with your post natal depression, that is a total red herring.

Original poster
Thsusnsjsjsh · 20/08/2018 18:08

@midgesforever thats exactly what i said to him when he told me they were random whatsapp messages. Then why do they only fall in the 2 day period we were apart?! 😔 gosh this is heartbreaking.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 20/08/2018 18:08

Ok then, I'd ask him to provide proof of the emails or messages or whatever that his friends had used to send those photos.

happypoobum · 20/08/2018 18:11

Well he is a disgusting perverted liar.

No, I would not go to couples counselling with him. I would spend my money on a solicitor instead. Flowers

PPPMA · 20/08/2018 18:18

OP please stay here for support. Don't feel obliged to update us but the overwhelming majority of people on here will help you through this.

I have been through similar and I just wish I would've stuck to my guns and not backed down. The reason he isn't admitting it is because he thinks he will get away with it. If you don't allow this to happen, flip it on its head, and give him no reason other than to tell the truth (otherwise he will absolutely lose you), I fairly am sure he will eventually admit to what he's done. If he doesn't, then you sadly know what kind of man he is.

It's really rough but we are all supportive around here Thanks

midgesforever · 20/08/2018 18:18

Also what happens if you call him out on his logic, if it is a totally normal thing for blokes to do and to send to each other why is he getting so angry with you for suggesting it might be him. Either it is a big deal to behave like this so he would remember who was doing it or it is a normal everyday blokes thing in which case he might well have done it. His anger doesn't fit with his minimization of the photos but it might fit with guilt and being found out.

Tallula386 · 20/08/2018 18:19

Isn't there a new law that makes 'upskirting' illegal. What a creep!

I would feel so uncomfortable being with a man that thought this behaviour was normal.

@Thsusnsjsjsh- I can imagine that you are totally confused. I would say leave!! But aware that it wouldn't just be that simple.

Original poster
Thsusnsjsjsh · 20/08/2018 18:25

@PPPMA thank you.. still in disbelief about it to be honest. I get that it is a hugely embarassing thing and he has told me that he will fly back to his parents if i do not agree to couples counselling. I told him that i will not do it unless he confesses.

@midgesforever totally agree with your logic. I know what he will say. That he is in a group of guys that sends stuff like that but that he doesnt get involved and just ignores it and thats why the photos dont stick out in his mind.

OP posts:
inshockrightnow · 20/08/2018 18:26

I'm so sorry he isn't who you thought he was.

He is a liar and a pervert. I hope you confide in someone in real life. You need support now. You will get through this xx

CrossFlannelCherry · 20/08/2018 18:26

Voyeurism is a strange and disturbing compunction. The internet is awash with porn, and every z list wannabe is on-line flaunting everything, so to ignore all of that and go out of your way to snap unsuspecting women and focus on their body parts is unsettling. It's frustrating that you didn't get pics of the evidence before he deleted the images OP. He can now make you out to be totally imagining things, probably due to ante-natal depression. It's highly unlikely that this was a one off episode while alone on holiday, so perhaps some super-sleuthing is in order.

Storm4star · 20/08/2018 18:26

I feel sad for you OP, it must be devastating. As I say, what you do next very much depends on whether you want to stay with him or not. I totally get why people are saying confront him with this and that, but it will only push him further inward. I think the bottom line here is he is not going to confess the truth right now. However, equally, you do not need to make a decision right now either. If there is any way you could maybe stay with a friend or relative for a few days I would do that (you don't need to tell them the reason if you don't want to). Or ask him to go somewhere for a few days, a cheap room on air bnb or something if it comes to it. I do think you need space to process this. I just keep coming back to the counselling in my mind and thinking this is where he will confess. He could have lied/minimised/gaslighted etc without suggesting that. Of course I could be wrong! We don't know him, you do. I would say try and take extra care of yourself during this time Flowers

Original poster
Thsusnsjsjsh · 20/08/2018 18:26

This sounds awful but i have been going through his laptop and found nothing so far. I doubt i will find anything. He is not the type to save i dont think. More the type to use it then trash.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thsusnsjsjsh · 20/08/2018 18:29

Thank you all and agree to the concept of voyeurism. Its so true, theres so much out there and yet its not enough. Me, a living human being, is not enough for him.

OP posts:
Tallula386 · 20/08/2018 18:33

@Thsusnsjsjsh- if he truly is into such gross stuff, no one would be enough for him. So it's not you.

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