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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU? Husband left family holiday to go to work *update edited by MNHQ*

531 replies

soelle · 17/08/2018 12:44

So, we’ve had the first family holiday in two years with the kids 6 and 3 and we stayed in the UK.

We arrived on Saturday, by Monday he had many calls from work and chose to work whilst away.

By Tuesday, he told me that he was needed at work and would be returning by train on Thursday afternoon.

I know his job is important and we do need the money but I am devastated. The kids and I are here alone and that wasn’t the plan.

I’ve just told him that we’re coming home today (a day early) and I’ll see him later. He said he won’t be home until Monday as he’s having to work on a deal and will be doing stupid hours so doesn’t see the point in coming home and disturbing us.

I’m pretty sure he isn’t having an affair. He often has to stay away with work (he works about 90mins drive from home) and stays with his sister who definitely wouldn’t condone him having an affair. I’m just gutted that the holiday has been spoilt. Am I being unfair for being upset with him?

OP posts:
Graphista · 19/08/2018 01:37

Nobody is irreplaceable job wise. When he retires (or passes away if he doesn't retire) someone else can and will step in. If he were in hospital, someone else would pick up the slack.

Totally unacceptable way to behave. I'd be divorcing - might be an excellent employee but he's a poor husband and father!

"He's obsessed with the girls not doing without" - they're doing without him! All the money in the world doesn't replace a present, loving father.

To paraphrase - nobody ever says on their death bed they wish they'd spent more time at work.

If the boss can have no contact so can dh.

He's also going to make himself ill if he keeps this up! Given the info re bereavement I suspect he's burying himself in work possibly to avoid facing his grief. Which doesn't work and is pretty much guaranteed to lead to burnout - a heart attack, stroke or breakdown. That's the very last thing ANY of you need to be dealing with.

Peaseblossom22 · 19/08/2018 08:02

Graphista that is the whole point, nobody is irreplaceable . The phrase often repeated is ‘ you are only as good as your last deal’ .

On the forgivenesses point I suppose it’s like everything else you have a choice , you learn to live with it or you split up .

Original poster
soelle · 19/08/2018 08:25

Thank you everyone for your replies.

The girls and I arrived home yesterday and DH was already here, with a gift for the girls to make up for his absence. This made me sad because I worry it is teaching them to expect material possessions rather than his presence.

Inevitably this led to a discussion when the kids were in bed and I told him my stance. To be honest, I could put up with the long work days but I do feel he could make a bit more effort to make sure weekends, holidays and special events could be sacrosanct.

He did agree and we talked about the pressure he feels he’s under trying to provide for us and his extended family. I was blunt and came at it from a health perspective and that seemed to be the point that he related to as he lost his father at age 5 and obviously doesn’t want that for our girls.

It’s early stages but we’re talking about him possibly taking a more local job in a less prestigious firm, making some lifestyle adjustments and having a much better balance of family-life and work-life. Until that point, he has promised to get a lot more organised and do better handovers and prepare me for a potential early exit so ago least it’s not dropped on me at the last minute.

We’ll have to wait and see what happens going forward.

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 19/08/2018 08:51

That all sounds very positive soelle. It will take time and you probably reminding him of what you spoke about last night, but I’m sure you’ll get there.

BikeRunSki · 19/08/2018 09:00

That sounds like a great step forward Soelle. I go hope your talk leads to some action from DH too.

ProseccoThyme · 19/08/2018 09:08

That's good, OP.

Interestingly, my friend is married to a man who lost his father at a young age & is also an "over-provider" (aka workaholic). I'm sure there is a link.

Spaghettijumper · 19/08/2018 09:25

There are far too many people in the world who have no choice but to work very long hours, purely to survive - who have to walk to a well hours away, gather firewood, work low-fertility land that produces a low yield of crops that are essential for ensuring they don't starve. If they stop, they and their family will suffer. It's a horrible, stressful exhausting life. I'm sure they would envy a life with holidays and cars.

And yet, there are people all over the world who could feed that person, their family and village for the next 20 years from what's in their current account living lives just as exhausting and stressful. Except now it's not food and water they're struggling for but status and wealth, cars and presents. They're not trapped by the prospect of starving but by the prospect of not measuring up, something they seem to fear just as much. Does it ever end? If no one is ever satisfied, what's the point?

OP I sure with the right adjustments your husband could quit tomorrow and everything would be fine. His trap is imaginary.

LizzieSiddal · 19/08/2018 09:32

His trap is imaginary.

That is very true however people who are workaholics usually have very deep rooted pyshologcal reason for being one. It isn’t a chioce for them until they start to analyse and understand why they are doing this to themselves.
In my experience it took my Dh 6 years of therapy to understand it was ok for him to relax and try to enjoy life.

Being a workaholic is an addiction which needs as much understanding as any other addiction.

Joysmum · 19/08/2018 10:22

Being a workaholic is an addiction which needs as much understanding as any other addiction

Wise words if this is the case and the person wants to change and you want to stand by them for years until they get a handle on their addiction.

Most of the time it’s a choice though and it’s up to you whether it’s a choice you accept or decide you want more from a partner.

DamsonWhine · 19/08/2018 12:08

Soelle DH is a partner and a regional firm and has many of the same issues that your DH faces, including the lack of organisation which means he inevitably works some of the holidays (expecting me to pick up the slack and pissing me off MN the process). I think your DH might be surprised by the quality of work in a regional firm and would probably appreciate the trade off for less pressure.

Scott72 · 19/08/2018 13:08

Would you truly be prepared for a decrease in lifestyle though? That can be tough and stressful.

JuneMyNameIsJune · 19/08/2018 15:47

His trap is imaginary.

Does he feel trapped though? Have you considered that he might just really enjoy his job?

My DH LOVES his job. He doesn't feel pressured by it. He has no health problems at all and perfectly normal blood pressure. People ike this do exist. He has no intention of ever retiring and I am very appreciative that he has afforded our family a fantastic lifestyle, including me being a SAHM for as long as I wanted.

It has taken me a long time to understand this. For my DH his work is part of his life and he integrates everything seamlessly. I don't know how he does it but I've stopped wondering about it and accepted he's just very different to me.

Graphista · 19/08/2018 15:58

Yes, but that's MY point - he's replaceable at work and that bothers him more than being absent from his family where he ISN'T replaceable.

Good update op, but don't let him renege on those promises. Keep the momentum going on those changes.

Original poster
soelle · 19/08/2018 16:36

Scott72 that’s a good point about would I be prepared for a decrease in lifestyle.

It’s something we would have to manage and plan for but to be honest, I’d really rather DH was home more.

OP posts:
Motherhood101Fail · 19/08/2018 16:44

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

HannahnotAgnes · 19/08/2018 17:34

FWIW, I definitely don't think affair either - this sounds perfectly believable, especially given his background & field of law.

Hopefully you can find a way forward, especially if he can see where you're coming from & totally agree that his health is potentially at risk.

Original poster
soelle · 03/10/2018 11:03

I thought I’d update for anyone who helped me with this.
My husband made an effort for a couple of weeks but then as soon as the kids went back to school, he’s been absent again.

Our eldest was hospitalised and he wouldn’t leave work citing ‘no one to cover him’. Thankfully it wasn’t serious but we didn’t know that at the time.

This incident, along with not coming home for his birthday surprise that the kids had made for him, was the straw that broke the camel’s back and we’re now separated. To be fair though, it doesn’t feel different at all apart from the relief of not having to pressure him to take part in family life.

OP posts:
Gottensomedraws · 03/10/2018 11:29

@soelle I am so sorry to hear this update. I read your thread at the time back in August and it did seem he had listened at that time. To be honest if my DH had failed to come home when a DC had been hospitalised it would have been a deal breaker for me too, that is just plain selfish and stupid. Flowers for you I hope things work out for you and your DC.

cakecakecheese · 03/10/2018 11:41

I'm so sorry to hear this but his refusal to leave work for his child is unforgivable.

My friend has 5 kids and after her separation people asked how she was 'coping' and she said as he did nothing when they were together literally the only difference post-split was he actually spent more time with the children as he had them for visits.

sofato5miles · 03/10/2018 11:44

Soelle, my friend stayed in a very similar marriage. It has utterly eroded her self esteem and her two children have definitely suffered from the will he/ won't he be there for weekends and holidays. I think you have been very brave and think this will make you happier in the long run. Good luck.

Thebluedog · 03/10/2018 11:47

Flowers sorry to hear your update OP, but also glad you’ve taken control of it and are making steps to a happier life

subspace · 03/10/2018 18:18

I've just read the thread including your update. I'm sorry it's ended this way. Perhaps in time he'll come to raise just how monumentally he fucked up. Flowers

PaleRider1 · 03/10/2018 18:23

Sorry he didn't step up to the mark and it has ended this way.

I was in a similar relationship, partner putting work and himself and his mates before his family.

I walked and it made life a whole lot easier, no letdowns for me or our child, no missed expectations. I was in theory already a single parent.

1000channelsofcrap · 03/10/2018 18:30

I am also sorry he didn’t step up to the plate.

You can always get more money but you NEVER get more time Sad

thinkingunderthestars · 03/10/2018 18:34

This is so sad because he won't get these years back with the children. As you said adjustments could have been made if he wanted to but he clearly didn't want to, hope you're all doing ok Thanks