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Original poster

AIBU? Husband left family holiday to go to work *update edited by MNHQ*

531 replies

soelle · 17/08/2018 12:44

So, we’ve had the first family holiday in two years with the kids 6 and 3 and we stayed in the UK.

We arrived on Saturday, by Monday he had many calls from work and chose to work whilst away.

By Tuesday, he told me that he was needed at work and would be returning by train on Thursday afternoon.

I know his job is important and we do need the money but I am devastated. The kids and I are here alone and that wasn’t the plan.

I’ve just told him that we’re coming home today (a day early) and I’ll see him later. He said he won’t be home until Monday as he’s having to work on a deal and will be doing stupid hours so doesn’t see the point in coming home and disturbing us.

I’m pretty sure he isn’t having an affair. He often has to stay away with work (he works about 90mins drive from home) and stays with his sister who definitely wouldn’t condone him having an affair. I’m just gutted that the holiday has been spoilt. Am I being unfair for being upset with him?

OP posts:
AdoreTheBeach · 18/08/2018 08:02

There are some roles in certain industries that do demand people be available all the time. There are also some roles where certain projects require constant monitoring and availability to address things as they come up. This is in corporate world, legal profession, finance etc in addition to others.

These are the sacrifices made for the roles. If you accept that this is his role, taken to support the family, giving DH a hard time does not help. Of course it is upsetting, but not his fault if this is what role demands.

Perhaps then it is time for discussion, is this role one that you both agree can work for the family, understanding these types of situations can occur.

If your husband wants to stay in this role or field to progress his career- would you support him? You need to think about that and what it entails.

Parker231 · 18/08/2018 08:54

I’m at a senior level in the London corporate world but have never worked silly hours and never whilst on holiday (don’t take work mobile with me). Being available at all hours wasn’t an option as I have DC’s and a DH I like to spend my evenings and weekends with. Usually those believing they need to constantly be at work have poor management skills or work for those who are badly organized.

No one is indispensable and everyone should be able to have annual holidays to relax and enjoy themselves away from work. The world isn’t going to come to a halt if another member of the team completes the deal whilst you are on holiday. Some people need to learn that you work to live and not live to work. If they can’t get this right, there is a lot wrong in their lives.

Original poster
soelle · 18/08/2018 09:08

Thank you everyone for commenting.

I have realised that I need to be a bit more understanding as frankly I think there’s room for compromise on both sides.

I’m travelling back today and DH has just called to say that he’s coming back later today for the weekend which is nice. I think it bugs him how much he misses but feels under pressure.

Not today, as it’s all fresh, but at some point soon, I’m going to talk to him about the impact on the family and and see if maybe there is a compromise we could reach.

I can’t remember who, but I think there is a lot of truth in the point that he hasn’t organised this very well at all and maybe a little more organisation and planning will help in future.

To answer some questions, he stays at his sister’s to get sleep. If he finishes at 11/12 at night and is in the office for 6, a three hour commute just isn’t safe. I wouldn’t want him driving that late at night to be honest. Crashing at his sister’s is safest.

OP posts:
RightyHoChaps · 18/08/2018 09:22

I appreciate that he has a highly stressful career.

However, I think he should have said something at the time of booking the holiday. "If this deal goes through early I might have to leave".. that kind of thing?

What's the point in booking a family holiday if he's not there? Your girls don't need a holiday! They need their father! That's what they're doing without at the minute.

As someone who's father was constantly working and pretty fucking absent, I can say quite honestly it broke my heart as a young girl.

I feel for you OP. You're having to watch your girls go through that disappointment... and having to balance being a supportive wife, I'd imagine.
Its tough but maybe your OH needs some home truths here?

SendYouUpInFlames · 18/08/2018 09:40

I wouldn't trust my dh if he did this. It has affair written all over it.

KERALA1 · 18/08/2018 09:49

Also the beauty of a huge firm is there are lots of other lawyers. You were expected to fully brief your cover and you worked crazy hours but the top magic circle firm we were in respected holidays. Because the partners didn't want to be disturbed on their own holidays and didn't want to be seen as totally hypocritical. Plus they would risk losing staff to burnout.

KERALA1 · 18/08/2018 09:55

It's toxic for lawyers as often those attracted to law are over conscientious swotty types least able to push back, eager to please, perhaps abit under confident so they just do what is asked of them and don't value themselves enough to draw proper boundaries. I was like this as were the majority of my solicitor peers I see it now I've left.

HarmlessChap · 18/08/2018 10:23

I'm self employed and don't remember the last time I had a holiday where something didn't crop up at work which I had to get involved with. I hated the fact that it impacted on me relaxing and took me away from the family.

If you would be left alone abroad, but he won't fly, next year take the Eurostar to Paris and a sleeper train to the South of France.

TallTilly · 18/08/2018 11:05

It really, really doesn’t have affair written all over it Hmm

SillySallySingsSongs · 18/08/2018 11:56

It has affair written all over it.

No it really, really doesn't.

Peaseblossom22 · 18/08/2018 12:17

KERALA you are so right about the personality type. My reply earlier may have sounded glib, and I won’t deny that this has not pushed our marriage to the brink sometimes but ultimately,certainly in corporate transactional work, this is,to coin a phrase ‘ the deal’ and we have just had to find a way to make it work.

Dh is now in the provinces but in a fast growing firm which does high quality work , and as Kerala states the personality of people in this type of work is perfectionist and committed , so frankly the hours have not changed a lot. Dh is now pretty senior but routinely leaves by 6.00am and is on average home about 9.00 pm.

It not as simple as saying change jobs , lawyers are actually fairly specialised, this work does not exist everywhere and by their nature they tend to be quite academic and frankly ‘ clever’ dh would be bored to tears in a small firm general practice . It’s not that that work is not challenging in itself but it’s not as academically challenging and he needs that. Also I am not sure anyone would employ him to do anything else!

We have learnt to make the most of any slacker periods , I have read the riot act occasionally and I would say that he has missed an enormous amount with the dc , but as they have got older ( two now in twenties and one teen) I think they get it but at times they have brought him up short by pointing out to him what he has missed. He has seen more of the youngest and sadly I think now regrets some of the things he missed with the others but he does believe that this is the job.

Some things I will never really forgive him for missing and I have felt very alone at times, but we have made it work , I think largely because we have been together from very young and I work in a different but similar profession but in house and part time and have some understanding of his world, and what we have together albeit imperfect is still better than being apart .

SheilaHammond · 18/08/2018 12:25

My DH does this. Is a freelancer and has to from time to time. He once flew home and back to our holiday 3 times in 3 weeks. Personally I think it's fine. I work too and mine is inconvenient sometimes too. That's life.

MistressDeeCee · 18/08/2018 12:26

Working 6am-almost midnight is heart attack territory😮.. There's barely any sleep time factored in there, simply can't see how that's sustained much less a marriage. Presenteeism at work absenteeism at home. Ships passing in the night. The money must be brilliant I guess

SheilaHammond · 18/08/2018 12:31

Btw we do it cos we need the money and if you say no you won't get asked again. Not big corporate at all...niche entertainment work.

KERALA1 · 18/08/2018 13:14

Remember seeing my secretary head home at 5.30pm as I geared up for another all nighter and wondered who exactly the smart one was....

sayhellotothelittlefella · 18/08/2018 16:11

A 90 min commute is not far enough away to warrant staying away. DH did this and more for years as do many many others. Most people would commute that distance unless there was a specific situation that required staying over ie very late finish or v early start.

Peaseblossom22 · 18/08/2018 16:13

If you are working until 11.30pm and need to be back in the office there is abdultelynno point in doing a 90minutd commute . The priority as the OP says is to sleep

Peaseblossom22 · 18/08/2018 16:14

Sorry that should say ‘ back in the office for 7’

offside · 18/08/2018 16:20

It definitely doesn’t have affair written all over it, that’s a comment coming from a very insecure person. Joke of a comment really.

sayhellotothelittlefella · 18/08/2018 16:27

Sorry X-post. Just seen that he does finish late and start early.

DiegoMadonna · 18/08/2018 16:27

I don't really understand law and finance, I guess. Before I went freelance (funnily enough partly because I thought bosses and corporations were always taking the piss with how much they wanted me to do with so little in return), I worked in an industry where talented professionals are highly sought after and actually [relatively] respected at work. They would be allowed to take some liberties (including holidays) because the culture is that keeping top pros happy is good for the business in the long-run (it's the best way to retain the top talent, and to become seen as an attractive place to work, thus being able to continue attracting talented individuals).

To me, it makes sense. If you are valuable to the people you work for, then they should be trying to keep you happy, not vice versa.

MoreProsecco · 18/08/2018 17:10

Agree, I wouldn't want to work in an industry where you're expected to be some kind of robot, doing 12-18 hour days, with no leisure time or holidays. Fuck that!

JuneMyNameIsJune · 19/08/2018 01:09

TillyTally said;

It really, really doesn’t have affair written all over it hmm

and I want to really, really emphasise this. This is not the time to be sidetracked by misplaced insecurity. It's about deciding how best to balance your family life and lifestyle with your husbands drive and ambition.

You know your husband, his role and the demands of his industry. It's obvious that he stays with his sister to maximise sleep. I think that unless people have direct experience of this kind of career they cannot understand this.

timeisnotaline · 19/08/2018 01:19

@peaseblossom22. How does it work with the fact you will never really forgive him for missing some things? Because I don’t know if I could get past the resentment - he might always be that guy who left me to give birth alone , or whatever it was, and it would eat at me.
I recognise that I don’t want my dh to work crazy hours because I don’t want to parent alone for crazy hours. And I want to work too, for which I need his support as he needs mine (I have worked those hours and will again but would never miss anything critical, which is the big difference)

FoldyRoll · 19/08/2018 01:21

Read some, but not all of the thread. OP I used to work in a similar role to your DH. I cannot tell you the number of colleagues who would get morose after a few drinks and confide that they woke up one day in their mid 50's to find kids they barely knew had left home and their wives had long since grown sick of never seeing them. Promises to retire at 40 or when they had £1m in the bank etc had fallen by the wayside because they were addicted to work. Making Partner just puts you at the bottom of a new ladder. It never ends. When they realised what they'd missed out on, the regret was palpable.

No one on their deathbed wishes they'd spent more time at the office. You and your DC need his time and attention way more than the stuff his salary buys.

In short, YANBU. At all.