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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU? Husband left family holiday to go to work *update edited by MNHQ*

531 replies

soelle · 17/08/2018 12:44

So, we’ve had the first family holiday in two years with the kids 6 and 3 and we stayed in the UK.

We arrived on Saturday, by Monday he had many calls from work and chose to work whilst away.

By Tuesday, he told me that he was needed at work and would be returning by train on Thursday afternoon.

I know his job is important and we do need the money but I am devastated. The kids and I are here alone and that wasn’t the plan.

I’ve just told him that we’re coming home today (a day early) and I’ll see him later. He said he won’t be home until Monday as he’s having to work on a deal and will be doing stupid hours so doesn’t see the point in coming home and disturbing us.

I’m pretty sure he isn’t having an affair. He often has to stay away with work (he works about 90mins drive from home) and stays with his sister who definitely wouldn’t condone him having an affair. I’m just gutted that the holiday has been spoilt. Am I being unfair for being upset with him?

OP posts:
Dobbythesockelf · 03/10/2018 19:20

So sorry that it has gone this way OP. Hope you and your dd's are doing ok.

LizzieSiddal · 03/10/2018 19:53

Gosh not getting to the hospital or turning up for his dcs birthday surprise, are unforgivable. I’d seperate too. What a stupid man he is.

mineofuselessinformation · 03/10/2018 19:58

I totally get where you are coming from - it sounds like you've basically been single in your marriage for a while.
Sympathies, OP.
I've been in your position too - my own particular 'gem' did several things like this, including saying he couldn't be there at the doctor's and subsequent hospital appointments when we thought our baby was blind (they do have a significant visual impairment, and are registered legally blind), and leaving me alone in bed for hours when I thought I was dying and had asked him to call an ambulance.

Ginger1982 · 03/10/2018 20:09

Did he seem shocked by the separation or not really?

Original poster
soelle · 03/10/2018 20:13

Thanks everyone for the support. Yes I’ve felt single for a while. I’ve done everything and probably to ironically jeopardise my career to be there for the girls when he refuses. But that’s what parents do.

He wasn’t at all surprised and he said he’d been expecting it. I’m waiting for the dust to settle and giving myself time to think and work out what my next steps are.

OP posts:
MixedMaritalArts · 03/10/2018 20:16

Flowers Sorry it worked out this way. Wishing you and your family only good things moving forwards.

QueenOfMyWorld · 03/10/2018 20:35

I remember this thread.Good on you for separating he's a dickFlowers

BonnieF · 03/10/2018 21:29

Flowers I’m sorry to hear how this situation has developed, however, his refusal to leave work when his child was in hospital was completely unforgivable and would 100% be a deal breaker for me.

He cares more about his work than he does about his family.

Starlight345 · 03/10/2018 21:35

Sorry how this ended up. I do remember your last thread.

It sounds like he still has no motivation to change it

ohfourfoxache · 03/10/2018 21:55

Bloody hell, I’m so sorry he didn’t keep his word and went back on his promises.

Ironically separating might force him to spend more time with the dc due to contact arrangements

Joysmum · 03/10/2018 23:12

Exactly as it was with my DH. It was your ex’s choice to work as did did in spite of having a family, not because of having a family. I wish he’d seen the light and chosen you and the kids but given nothing was more important to him than his work I’m glad you saw that for what it is.

OrchidInTheSun · 04/10/2018 00:09

I'm also really sorry. It's a career track that us incompatible with family life but very few people have the clarity to recognise that. Good on you for refusing to do this any more.

I hope you manage to carve out a better future for you and your children

User1011 · 04/10/2018 04:10

I’ve found that kids with a parent who spends their life at work (or pub) and doesn’t make time for them, to grow up into selfish & unreliable people.

Original poster
soelle · 08/08/2019 11:12

I’m not sure if anyone remembers this post from last year but I just wanted to update you if you did.

For all of those of you who said that my (now ex) DH was having an affair, you were right! He left our holiday because his OW was in labour. Not because of work.

Believe it or not I’ve only just found out about this nearly a year later as he recently cheated on her and she inexplicably decided to contact me for advice. 🤷🏽‍♀️

I was doing really well since the divorce and this totally knocked me for six.

OP posts:
peekyboo · 08/08/2019 11:18

I remember your thread. This is another kick in the teeth because of him. It'll have brought up all the stuff he's done and how he's made you feel.

Give it time, try to carry on moving on, and to recognise this new information is really part of the old information - that your ex wasn't worth your love and is going to spend the rest of his life being a schmuck.

Nesssie · 08/08/2019 11:21

Jesus what a shock! So sorry that this happened and its set you back.
What a scumbag.
I think you can only focus on yourself and your kids and that this is proof you truly did make the right decision.

DorothyHarris · 08/08/2019 11:26

Just rtft not realising it was old...my god...hes a prize cunt. You poor poor thing. Hope you and your girls are doing well.

treeofoak · 08/08/2019 11:27

ShockShockShock

Seren10 · 08/08/2019 11:27

she inexplicably decided to contact me for advice

There are just no words to describe some people hey? I really hope you haven't replied to her.

It proves that him cheating had absolutely nothing to do with you, as he has managed to do it to her aswell.

I am so glad you told him where to go when you did. Focus on your lovely children.

Thank your lucky stars you no longer have to put up with this.

StarlightToCasualMoths · 08/08/2019 11:27

You must be in shock.

Try and take comfort from the fact you ended things last year - imagine if you had persevered and were still with him and had them had OW and baby appear.

Disfordarkchocolate · 08/08/2019 11:30

Blooming heck, I remember your thread and he sounded a very poor husband but that is shocking. I really hope you have all the support you need. Here and in real life.

sofato5miles · 08/08/2019 11:30

Dear fucking God.

Well, now you know. What a shit. What an entitled shit.

At least, you separated because what he was offering not good enough for you. You made the decision based on his known behaviour. Now you know more, it doesn't change you decision but fortifies it. He lied and lied to you, that will be difficult to handle but you are already away from him and his entitled shit.

Hugs.

LatteLove · 08/08/2019 11:32

What a fucking cuntweasel. You’re well rid there!

Hope his fancy pants corporate law job pays enough to ensure he can appropriately provide for all his children!

Figgygal · 08/08/2019 11:36

Holy Christ he got another woman pregnant and then cheated on her toO

He sounded shit for leaving the holiday but seems like generally he's just an utter cunt bag

I hope you and your girls are doing well

Horehound · 08/08/2019 11:36

Well, you are well rid of him. If it wasn't her then it would have been someone else.
Pretty horrible considering he went been present in his kids lives. He's been prioritising shagging other women over seeing his kids

I hope your advice was "you made your bed, now lie in it"