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Original poster

AIBU? Husband left family holiday to go to work *update edited by MNHQ*

531 replies

soelle · 17/08/2018 12:44

So, we’ve had the first family holiday in two years with the kids 6 and 3 and we stayed in the UK.

We arrived on Saturday, by Monday he had many calls from work and chose to work whilst away.

By Tuesday, he told me that he was needed at work and would be returning by train on Thursday afternoon.

I know his job is important and we do need the money but I am devastated. The kids and I are here alone and that wasn’t the plan.

I’ve just told him that we’re coming home today (a day early) and I’ll see him later. He said he won’t be home until Monday as he’s having to work on a deal and will be doing stupid hours so doesn’t see the point in coming home and disturbing us.

I’m pretty sure he isn’t having an affair. He often has to stay away with work (he works about 90mins drive from home) and stays with his sister who definitely wouldn’t condone him having an affair. I’m just gutted that the holiday has been spoilt. Am I being unfair for being upset with him?

OP posts:
PeridotCricket · 17/08/2018 20:44

I don’t th8nk he’s havin* an affair. But you can’t work at that level for long. My dh burnt out. After years of wotk8ng like this. He had a yea4 off, changed jobs and is getting there now and can see how mad it all, was.

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 17/08/2018 20:50

Maybe I am naive but I really don’t think he’s having an affair.

I don't think so either - I am a lot Hmm at the posters who keep insisting he is just because they can't conceive of the world he works in, in spite of the other posters on this thread who agree it happens and in many cases correctly identified his industry! (Not the only sector where this happens btw - I have colleagues in this sort of position and it's not corporate law or finance.)

Hberries · 17/08/2018 20:56

I’ve seen this in Investment Banking and in the Big 4. DH is v senior and is usually contactable on holiday, even if it’s a family holiday in the Caribbean. However, if he does end up working on some days he is able to claim those vacation days back so it works for us.

MoreProsecco · 17/08/2018 21:16

Yep, it's a choice to work these hours & types of jobs. There's sometimes a lot of ego stuff, mixed with over-compensating for a poor childhood, hiding from grief, wanting to prove oneself, vying for promotion.

My DP worked hours like that & I hated it. He was knocking his pan in for 50K & it just wasn't worth it. In the end, he burned out & had 6 months off, then another year of working part/time. Our relationship has suffered & it was shit all round, especially with young DC.

His boss is a workaholic & has created a presenteeism culture of long working hours. He has also bailed out on family holidays at the airport. I'm amazed his wife has not chucked him out but I guess she likes the money/lifestyle.

Sarahandduck18 · 17/08/2018 21:27

It’s your choice but I’d rather live somewhere smaller and get 3 hours more of dp every day!

Saggital · 17/08/2018 21:37

It's an affair.

But not the one some posters are gagging for. Its a work affair. He needs to get better at managing his time, or change his firm.

KERALA1 · 17/08/2018 22:14

We walked away from this (city law firm and London) for ourselves and for our dds. I am self employed now dh works for a well respected regional practice in the south west. We are not as rich as we would have been but we have more than enough more than most but small fry in eyes of the London competitive mindset that we were glad to leave behind. We have our lives back. Dh is NEVER troubled on holiday.

Joysmum · 17/08/2018 22:17

We don’t have a hugely lavish lifestyle

...and then you go on to describe a lavish lifestyle!

TastelesslyDone · 17/08/2018 23:51

Ain’t nobody saying “I wish I’d worked more” on their death bed, nor many tombstones plastered with “Was a real hard worker”. Got to fit time in ones life for living. /endcliche

TallTilly · 18/08/2018 00:07

I prepared for an imminent employment tribunal hearing while on holiday. It was a nightmare. Balancing time with the kids and cramming the work into every spare half hour I could get. Working late into the night.

Sometimes the shit hits the fan and the timings don’t work. You can’t not go on the holiday but you can’t let the work slide either. DH wasn’t keen but you know, he knows it’s important to me and he enjoys the fact that we both earn well as much as I do, so he just cuts me some slack helps me out.

SandyY2K · 18/08/2018 00:08

and then you go on to describe a lavish lifestyle!

It's different perspectives.

I wouldn't call it lavish. The private school is obviously not your average expense and is a priviledge, but having 2 cars and a child in nursery doesnt equate to lavish.

That's what I have and I don't consider it to be lavish.

DandelionAndBedrock · 18/08/2018 00:25

OP, are you me??

I don’t have the children you have, yet, but I’m a teacher, DP does something similar to yours, I think, and is currently in the office all weekend for a big something or other.

I actually find the holidays lonelier, because I am more aware that he isn’t here. We have quite a good term time routine, but I really struggle during the holidays. I don’t have a solution, but I hear you and I sympathise. I had a moan today and my friend said “grab him when he comes in and TELL HIM.” But it isn’t that simple when you see them broken and stressed, I can’t knowingly add to that burden.

thecapitalsunited · 18/08/2018 00:31

My DH is a workaholic too. We’ve taken to cruising so he has days where he simply can’t contact anyone unless he wants to pay the eyewatering maritime tariffs. Our next trip is a transatlantic cruise. Can’t come home early from that! And the Internet sucks so no work emails, no Facebook, no Twitter. It’s utter bliss.

SeaToSki · 18/08/2018 00:53

When DH was at this high pressure stage of his career, we would book to go sailing round the Carribean for a week. Very little cell service and virtually no email. Everyone at his firm planned accordingly in the run up and DH got a good break. I get sea sick, but took the pills and enjoyed myself as we had a long stretch of time as a family.

TallTilly · 18/08/2018 00:55

we would book to go sailing round the Carribean for a week

Yeah just do this 👍🏻

DandelionAndBedrock · 18/08/2018 00:58

I can confirm via DP and his work friends that his work phone DOES work in the middle of the rainforest, and in rural Vietnam, but there are patches of the Atlas Mountains where you lose signal Wink. No good for a DP who doesn’t like flying though.

Themerrygoroundoflife · 18/08/2018 01:04

My husband doesn’t work in this field so can’t say if it’s ‘normal’ but I certainly wouldn’t find it an acceptable sacrifice.

There’s a cost:benefit ratio here. If he could be a lawyer somewhere else and see the kids more without your quality of life seriously suffering then I would be pushing very strongly for him to take it. I must confess though that I’m really not convinced the hours and stress put in by most high earners is actually worth it. My dad semi-retired at 45 from a high powered job because it just wasn’t worth the loss of your life and the impact on your family.

MistressDeeCee · 18/08/2018 03:25

It's a choice to do these hours but I wonder why he sleeps at his sister's, when he has a family home and life? He's not single. Lots of people commute up to 90 minutes each way daily. Together with work and sleeping round sis, apart from the very occasional holiday there seems to be no couple time, social life, downtime with the DCs factored in.

I hope he doesn't crash and burn so you don't end up seeing him 24/7 - as his carer. Money can't buy love or health.

&:I'd not want my brother staying round mine more than he's home with his wife either

KickAssAngel · 18/08/2018 04:23

I've also been through this. We almost broke up over it, actually. DH just didn't seem to care about family time, and from his perspective I didn't understand the pressure he felt. Part of it was the pressure to be the perfect father by providing financial security for the family.

He's 50 now, and finally ended up in a job that he hated so much that he took a massive cut to downgrade and move to a new company. It took him a few months to adjust, but he's happier now.

However - we have both noticed that we feel slightly less secure/optimistic about finances. When DD got sick on holiday, money came into our decision making as we would have had to pay up front for treatment (in the US) then reclaimed money from insurance. Luckily, DD got better, but we were contemplating a trip to ER for $$$$! On his old job we could have just shrugged and said no problem.

So, yes, do talk about it, but also remember that he could really be seeing himself as sacrificing his own free time to put you & the girls first. It's not a pov I agree with, but I can see it. Can you come up with some ways to live your lives that take into account how both of you feel?

KERALA1 · 18/08/2018 06:39

Mistress I would imagine he sleeps at his sister's because he's finishing work around 11pm so every minute counts in getting to bed. He will figure it would be so late when he gets home he wouldn't see his family anyway so might as well sleep nearer.

It's a tragic way to live if you have kids imo but they tempt you with the ££££. The majority normal people leave to have lives the hard core few driven by ambition or love of money stick it out but it's supping with the devil. Dh was on partnership track I was senior associate but we walked away we couldn't bear missing out on family life. The partner in the next office to me dropped dead in his kitchen one Saturday morning of a heart attack 3 school age kids he had been under massive pressure st work.

LizzieSiddal · 18/08/2018 07:12

But it isn’t that simple when you see them broken and stressed, I can’t knowingly add to that burden

I agree with this to some extent, it’s how they will see your requests for them to spend quality time with you and the family. Which is why you need to come at this from the health perspective.

Saying “I’m worried about your health, both mental and physical. You cannot sustain this work load, you are going to drop down dead if you aren’t careful”. (Or words to that effect), is a much better way to address the issue.

Yogagirl123 · 18/08/2018 07:17

My DH has had various businesses over the years, and always has to work while on holiday. It’s never bothered me, it’s something I have accepted, but if he was an employee of a company I wouldn’t be so happy about it.

Figgygal · 18/08/2018 07:20

I just do not get this.

I like what I do I'm well qualified in my field and have 15 years experience. I have a good job and am the higher earner despite working PT. I've just given up chance of s promotion because of the impact it would have had on the kids and my husband having to take up even more slack. More money is always a great prospect but companies will take every drop of your time and effort you are willing to give them then come to expect it and want more.

He's missing his life, his kids, family time for what? I just do not understand it at all.

Peaseblossom22 · 18/08/2018 07:28

Is he a lawyer ? Sadly I would say this is extreme but still within the bounds of normal . Have never had s holiday where dh has not worked to some extent , but he is better at containing it now and detaching . On holiday now , he is in constant contact with office. We have just learnt to deal with it .

369thegoosedrankwine · 18/08/2018 07:51

I knew you were going to say he was a corporate lawyer.

I am the lawyer in our home and worked in one of those big firms in the early days. I can understand that he can't just say no he's on holiday. That isn't the done thing and unless you've worked in that environment you honestly have no idea.

That isn't to say that he or you have to accept it. He has to make a decision as to whether this is what is best for all of you long term.

I also get that he doesn't want his daughters to do without. I'm from very humble beginnings and totally understand the drive to earn well more than a lot of people ever will.

You need to have a conversation OP as this won't change unless you both decide it has to. It's tough for you both I imagine.