AIBU? Husband left family holiday to go to work *update edited by MNHQ*

[soelle]

So, we’ve had the first family holiday in two years with the kids 6 and 3 and we stayed in the UK.

We arrived on Saturday, by Monday he had many calls from work and chose to work whilst away.

By Tuesday, he told me that he was needed at work and would be returning by train on Thursday afternoon.

I know his job is important and we do need the money but I am devastated. The kids and I are here alone and that wasn’t the plan.

I’ve just told him that we’re coming home today (a day early) and I’ll see him later. He said he won’t be home until Monday as he’s having to work on a deal and will be doing stupid hours so doesn’t see the point in coming home and disturbing us.

I’m pretty sure he isn’t having an affair. He often has to stay away with work (he works about 90mins drive from home) and stays with his sister who definitely wouldn’t condone him having an affair. I’m just gutted that the holiday has been spoilt. Am I being unfair for being upset with him?

Bloody hell!

What a despicable man.

And the OW turning to you for help!

Oh OP I am so sorry to read your update

Do not respond to the OW, she is now getting the taste of her own medicine.

It might be good if you could get MNHQ to update your title so you won't get inundated with posts where PP haven't read the whole thread and give you useless advice.

I remember this thread. I am so sorry OP.

I suppose the only good thing is that you split because it wasn’t working already, it would be harder I guess if you’d gone through the struggle of trying to make it work for a year to hear this

What a prick though, that’s just awful

The only vaguely ok explanation is that the OW was also fed a bunch of lies and thought you were already separated. It depends how much of his personal life was known at work.

Nothing excuses his sister though.

Am I being unfair for being upset with him?

If he worked for himself, and this was necessary, yes YWBU. If he works for someone else, then no.

What job is so important that it warrants working on holiday and then taking you away from your kids and family? Not many IMO.

Maybe start a new thread, op? You’re just going to keep getting people who haven’t rtft telling you how to cope on your holiday last year 🙈🙄

So a cheat who cheated with a cheater wants advice from the woman she was happy to deceive?

That is all sorts of fucked up!

Why would the non cheat in this have any advice?

Sounds more like spite to make sure that you knew about the baby.

OP, your original thread resonated with me because my DH is the same. I've thought often that he is having an affair but I can find absolutely no trace of one whatsoever. I know he could hide stuff and be covering but I don't think he is clever enough to cover all his tracks for so long.

As for your most recent post, I'm really sorry to hear this. Do you think you could invest in some counselling for yourself? I think you need to get to the point where you think "phew, I'm glad I offloaded him and someone else has to put up with the twat". Also, have you finalised the ins and outs of your divorce? The financials and the access?

As for the OW. I'm sorry about the child, but you owe them nothing. Have nothing to do with them. You and your DH ended before you knew about them, they are none of your concern when it comes to their wellbeing. OW thought nothing of you and your DC when she was shagging him and pregnant with their DC. I would send her a message along the lines of;

"You thought nothing of destroying my and my young DC's lives when you slept with my DH and decided to have his child. I owe you nothing. You have made your bed, now lie in it. Don't ever contact me again."

You are so much more restrained than I would be!

I'd be replying to OW with: You knew he was a cheat when you got together with him - why start crying about it now? You can also see perfectly well how I chose to deal with him, I left him. Thankfully.

What would happen if they were suddenly on long term sick?

Or, as it's known in those circles: death.

I used to work for lawyers in the City and it wasn't always like this. When I started working in London in the 80s, I asked at my interview about overtime and was told - by the Senior Partner (and one of the firm's founders) - that if you've not done it by the end of the day you're going to start making mistakes. In fact he would remind us during his Christmas speech every year and beg people to remember their work-life balance.

Obviously such an idealistic way of working couldn't last but it wasn't even the clients pushing, it was the younger lawyers "offering" in their keenness to offer a great service. One of them got a few celeb clients and that was it, he was their puppet. Sure enough, years later when I worked in litigation, we were mopping up a lot of those all-nighter errors...

From a business point of view there should only be one deadline that matters to that extent and that's April 5th.

oh welcome to my life as a child.it impacted us so much.deep issues from all the children because of us.one resentment and lacked then work ethic "couldnt ever bare eneding up like dad" one hated him and walked away as soon as possible. and is still shocked now whenever sees him and makes a point of mentioning it "dads on the sofa wow,30 years too late eh" "wheres dad,,,oh no bother i no where he will be" and one just bares the brunt of watching what it did to her mum took that on and has severe mental health issues of enver feeling good enough.and just is desperate STILL for dads love.

I though this sounded familiar, I've just seen the date!

Maybe start a new thread, op? You’re just going to keep getting people who haven’t rtft telling you how to cope on your holiday last year

You're not wrong - especially as I thought I was on page 6...

Reply:

"When a man leaves his wife for his mistress, he creates an immediate job vacancy. Surely this was obvious?"

So sorry to hear your update. I wonder if his mother would be proud of him (and his sister) behaving like this? What a prick!

EffYouSeeKaye oh god im so embarrassed ive not read the whole thread which i try to do and clearly just done what you said!

Utter madness

StCharlotte is the update page 6

Do you know what, you are an amazingly strong woman. Strong because your ex was not a good enough husband and father, and you did not accept that for your girls. Strong because you were willing to give up the material benefits in favour of a better family life. Because you didn't appreciate the gifts in place of his time. And since then I bet you have made a new life for you and your girls, battling through the emotional turmoil to do your best for them.

He is an unutterable bastard, and you may cover for him while they are children but one day they will know the truth of it. They will grow up and have relationships of their own, and maybe children, and they will understand the magnitude of how he behaved. He is on borrowed time in his relationship with them, everything he does is already too late.

As for the OW...what an excuse for a human being. God knows where her self respect was when she was prepared to accept scraps for her and her child. And turning to you now? She is seriously messed up.
The person I feel most sorry for is her baby, as he/she has a pathetic excuse for a mother and a father.

You will get through this.

He's putting work before his family, and in a strange way he thinks this is right thing to do as a provider.

The problem is that he will miss the kids childhood, and run himself into an early grave.

Work/ life balance is so important..we live in better times than past 'man provides - women stay at home and raise kids' era.

I'm not sure what you can do to be honest - If he can't see how unacceptable disappearing from a family holiday was then I doubt he will make any changes now.

I can only see this going one way unfortunately

Jesus OP that's some sort of update.

I can't believe the gall of the OW contacting you for support.......... and the fact he's cheated on her already speaks volumes about the man he is.

You and your DC are so much better off without him but finding out a lot of your marriage was a lie must really sting. Take care of yourself

2 years ago DH had to cancel coming on holiday wit( us, they had lost their chef and had no available cover. I was annoyed, more that his family didn’t rally round to even let him join us for a week, than annoyed with DH.

We made the best of the holiday, not doing the stuff DH likes but the rest of us aren’t so keen on, but I did find it harder work on my own.

Truth is, I often deal with emails or work calls when on holiday, but normally early in morning before anyone else is up.

Fucking hell, I was about to post saying I'm self employed and have been called back home from a holiday before and didnt really have a choice etc etc.

So glad I read the whole thread, you poor thing OP what a selfish prick he is.

And he recently cheated on her and she inexplicably decided to contact me for advice

The actual BRASS NECK of her!!! Unreal.

You are being a brilliant mum by not offloading to your kids, I'm so impressed. I've been the kid in this situation and unfortunately was told everything by the wronged parent - which I understand but also am sad about because I really wasn't mature enough to understand it.

In short - well done you for coping admirably and so sorry it's turned out to be this way.

You will find a happier future, I'm sure of that, and your kids will be so proud of you when they are adults and know the situation themselves.

@AuditAngel Please RTFT the original was a year ago and the OP has just updated.

My husband had his own business for most of our marriage.
He was electrical, partner mechanical.
Neither of them cut their holidays short for work.
Never.
They couldn’t do each other’s jobs but made sure they were up to date between left
We always had 2 weeks abroad, nearly three if we drove to France