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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I ignore my spidey senses??

139 replies

pandoraphile · 15/08/2018 21:11

DP works away. A lot. Out in very a remote area. He is always contactable and we speak at least 2-3 times during the day and we message frequently. His job means that he HAS to be contactable on the landline so he always answers within 2-4 rings. ALWAYS.

He had the day off today and said that he was working from the house all day doing some stuff to do with his hobby. He says he never left it. I tried to call him at 12ish on his mobile. No answer. His mobile has never rung out there before because there really is 0% signal. Whatever, maybe there was a sudden patch of reception. But he would ALWAYS, ALWAYS call me back. This time he didn't. Which struck me as odd.

No contact at all until I tried again to call him on the landline at 4ish which, again, rang out. By this point I was actually worried because it is so out of character for him. I then had to run around dropping DD2 to a sleepover party, got caught by the mum, had to stay for a chat, etc., etc. Got home and was cooking DD1 dinner. I get a text : "I'm really horny." Er- what?! No contact all day and that's the first thing he says?? Bizarre. That's only ever happened once before and he was lying about something then too. I'm also 98% confident that the text was meant for me. Anyway, he then rings.

We then had a sort of argument which I'll precis: I said I tried to call, he denied the phone ringing either time. We went round and round in circles. He immediately became very defensive, "So you're accusing me are you?" - No, I'm stating fact, you didn't answer your phone. The only reason I tried to speak to him twice is because it's his birthday today!! I got variously:

"So you're accusing me of lying to you?"
"I don't know why you're accusing me." (I wasn't, I was very calm and explained that I had called him twice and both times it rang out. I really do not have an axe to grind!!) He got very defensive which is totally unlike him.

Then we had the long pauses. Which is one of his cues when he's lying. Then we had the overly stroppy "Oh, best birthday EVER!" I cannot explain how much this is out of character. I've actually made a huge amount of effort for his birthday, which he won't know until he's home (tomorrow.....).

He kept denying that the phone had rung. I kept calmly saying that it had. I'm not going insane. I heard those separate phones ring for a few seconds each time. I only rang twice at 12 and at 4.

He then starts on the whole dramatic "Call me now then, I need to know if the phone is working properly. It's a huge work issue if it's not." I do as he asks and lo and behold the phone is answered. He then blathers on about contacting BT to check the line because there must be a massive issue and it can't affect work (he's finished work and the on-call person also has a work mobile). He actually went so far as to say:

"I didn't get any callouts last week and I'm wondering if the phone is the reason." Right - so - when people need you urgently, they're only going to try one line? Despite there being a dedicated work mobile? And the fact that you're at work all day and they can see you there? You are really worried that some calls might have been missed? To clarify: if he's called out of hours then it's an emergency. So if there had been a cock-up he would DEFINITELY know. So I strongly suspect that the whole 'I need to contact BT about this' is smoke and mirrors.

It would be insanely out of character for him to be cheating/hiding something. But he himself said "There's no mobile signal for ten miles south of here." I said "Well, you must have been ten miles south then!" He denies it.

I really, really, think he's lying. WTAF do I do??

OP posts:
pandoraphile · 15/08/2018 21:11

Oh God, that's so long. Sorry!

OP posts:
OliviaBenson · 15/08/2018 21:17

You know your DH and I'm one for following my gut. What will you do next?

pandoraphile · 15/08/2018 21:21

So am I, Olivia, so am I.

Next? Probably outright call him on it and demand an explanation. It's such a stupid thing to argue about! All he needed to say was "Sorry, I missed your calls." Also - I forgot to add - his mobile is welded to his hand. There is NO WAY that he didn't see a missed call from me.

OP posts:
Girlslikeme · 15/08/2018 21:22

What are you suggesting he was doing?

pandoraphile · 15/08/2018 21:44

I have no suggestions. But the facts do not add up. And my instincts are very, very good. I just don;t want them to be in this case, which is why I wanted others' opinions.

OP posts:
Ilovebolly · 15/08/2018 22:06

If it were me I’d probably watch and wait but I’d be on high alert now that you suspect something is up.

MoseShrute · 15/08/2018 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HollowTalk · 15/08/2018 22:15

Quite frankly, he sounds a really argumentative man. And yes, he sounds as though he's guilty of something - who knows what? Is he normally a knobhead, though?

bionicnemonic · 15/08/2018 22:19

I have had someone swear that they’ve tried to call me and it’s not rung or shown up in the missed calls list so it can happen. This has happened more than once.
Perhaps he was watching ‘something’ online today and didn’t want to admit it so that’s why he was all disjointed as he felt caught out

Ventiamore · 15/08/2018 22:19

Can you check his phone log to see if it shows missed calls?

Bouledeneige · 15/08/2018 22:22

Sorry unhelpful - but is that a thing that people really call each other 3 times a day? Everyday?

How does anyone have a life and get on with work? I couldn't possibly keep up with that. Don't you need space and time to be independent and do your own thing?

Sorry i'm missing the point about lies or non lies. I'd just be looking for space so that no one has to read anything into not picking up the phone instantly.

The bickering about what went on seems silly. Whats the problem? You're not instantly available to me at any time of the day or night.

TattyCat · 15/08/2018 22:29

Should I ignore my spidey senses??

No, absolutely not. You know him, and you've been alerted that something's up. I ignored mine and I so wish I hadn't.

Gibble1 · 15/08/2018 22:34

This can happen with mobiles though- it’s happened with DH, DD and I where we are ringing and ringnging and it never gets through but also doesn’t ring or show up on their call logs. I have called DD out on it and DH has said he was with her and phone didn’t ring at all.

SuperSuperSuper · 15/08/2018 22:34

Why are you sure that the text was for you and not misdirected? I ask because it seems odd to be mistrustful yet so sure that the text was for you.

Why do you call him so much? Are you a bit suspicious/paranoid generally?

I hope you're mistaken OP.

LizzieSiddal · 15/08/2018 22:40

If he’s lying and “up to something,” then why would he have ignored the land line? He wouldn’t have know it was you, it could have been work, so why would he ignore it?

Also as you usually speak so frequently, he’s more likely to answer his phone to stop you suspecting anything?

ViserionTheDragon · 15/08/2018 22:43

Sorry to hear this OP, sounds very suspicious indeed. Are you able to look at his phone without him noticing?

Do you know the hotels he stays at when he works away? I know this sounds extreme, but what about getting a private investigator on the case?

fannycraddock72 · 15/08/2018 22:45

From experience 100% trust your gut feelings.

Smellbellina · 15/08/2018 22:48

If you’re sure the text was meant for you, I don’t quite understand the issue other than you are cross he didn’t answer his phone and don’t believe what he says? Does he have form? Otherwise it seems a little dramatic

Cloudyapples · 15/08/2018 22:51

Check his phone when he is asleep? Get him to show you his call history on his mobile - should show a missed call from you?

userxx · 15/08/2018 22:53

Go with your gut feeling, as someone else said, be on high alert. It's such a shit feeling 😞

byanyothernamerose · 15/08/2018 22:53

Trust your gut with this...but he will have deleted all traces from his phone etc now...

FlappyFeet · 15/08/2018 22:55

Strange text if you ask me

ThriceThriceThice · 15/08/2018 22:57

What is odd is his aggressiveness about the missed calls. Normally, if I’ve missed a call and some one tells me they’ve called me, I would probably suggest that there is a problem with the signal - or that sometimes I get delayed messages (true). I wouldn’t start shouting about how ‘I was lying’.

Your senses are telling you something is not right here. Believe them.

HollyGibney · 15/08/2018 23:03

My ex H and I had a very set routine for contacting each other. He'd call when he got to work and a couple of times during the day, regular texts too. His job was such that he had long intervals of free time. One Saturday he didn't call when he got to work, odd, but fair enough. I went shopping, left my mobile at home, came back hours later, no missed calls or texts and he hadn't rung the land line either. I just knew something was wrong, it was completely out of character. I didn't hear from him again until the evening when he rang to say he'd gone out for a drink after work. He came home very late and very drunk. From that day on things were different and wrong and in the end a few years later when we split he confessed to me that had been the first time he cheated. There were many more besides but that was the first time and I just knew.

I don't think you should ignore it.

C0untDucku1a · 15/08/2018 23:06

Trust yourself.