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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I ignore my spidey senses??

139 replies

pandoraphile · 15/08/2018 21:11

DP works away. A lot. Out in very a remote area. He is always contactable and we speak at least 2-3 times during the day and we message frequently. His job means that he HAS to be contactable on the landline so he always answers within 2-4 rings. ALWAYS.

He had the day off today and said that he was working from the house all day doing some stuff to do with his hobby. He says he never left it. I tried to call him at 12ish on his mobile. No answer. His mobile has never rung out there before because there really is 0% signal. Whatever, maybe there was a sudden patch of reception. But he would ALWAYS, ALWAYS call me back. This time he didn't. Which struck me as odd.

No contact at all until I tried again to call him on the landline at 4ish which, again, rang out. By this point I was actually worried because it is so out of character for him. I then had to run around dropping DD2 to a sleepover party, got caught by the mum, had to stay for a chat, etc., etc. Got home and was cooking DD1 dinner. I get a text : "I'm really horny." Er- what?! No contact all day and that's the first thing he says?? Bizarre. That's only ever happened once before and he was lying about something then too. I'm also 98% confident that the text was meant for me. Anyway, he then rings.

We then had a sort of argument which I'll precis: I said I tried to call, he denied the phone ringing either time. We went round and round in circles. He immediately became very defensive, "So you're accusing me are you?" - No, I'm stating fact, you didn't answer your phone. The only reason I tried to speak to him twice is because it's his birthday today!! I got variously:

"So you're accusing me of lying to you?"
"I don't know why you're accusing me." (I wasn't, I was very calm and explained that I had called him twice and both times it rang out. I really do not have an axe to grind!!) He got very defensive which is totally unlike him.

Then we had the long pauses. Which is one of his cues when he's lying. Then we had the overly stroppy "Oh, best birthday EVER!" I cannot explain how much this is out of character. I've actually made a huge amount of effort for his birthday, which he won't know until he's home (tomorrow.....).

He kept denying that the phone had rung. I kept calmly saying that it had. I'm not going insane. I heard those separate phones ring for a few seconds each time. I only rang twice at 12 and at 4.

He then starts on the whole dramatic "Call me now then, I need to know if the phone is working properly. It's a huge work issue if it's not." I do as he asks and lo and behold the phone is answered. He then blathers on about contacting BT to check the line because there must be a massive issue and it can't affect work (he's finished work and the on-call person also has a work mobile). He actually went so far as to say:

"I didn't get any callouts last week and I'm wondering if the phone is the reason." Right - so - when people need you urgently, they're only going to try one line? Despite there being a dedicated work mobile? And the fact that you're at work all day and they can see you there? You are really worried that some calls might have been missed? To clarify: if he's called out of hours then it's an emergency. So if there had been a cock-up he would DEFINITELY know. So I strongly suspect that the whole 'I need to contact BT about this' is smoke and mirrors.

It would be insanely out of character for him to be cheating/hiding something. But he himself said "There's no mobile signal for ten miles south of here." I said "Well, you must have been ten miles south then!" He denies it.

I really, really, think he's lying. WTAF do I do??

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 16/08/2018 11:35

Huge red flags especially the "I'm horny" bit. I agree with the others to lie low, maybe pretend you believe him for now. How long is he home for? He'll slip up at some point. Do you now his passcode on his mobile? Be really discreet and patient. As the others said, they'll probably be no evidence at the moment. But keep on guard and BELIEVE HIM!

loveyoutothemoon · 16/08/2018 11:36

**know his passcode

pandoraphile · 16/08/2018 11:43

Ok, thanks. I'm feeling slightly calmer now.

I think he will indeed have covered his tracks. He's very clever.

But yet there's always that possibility - am I going insane?! Maybe he is telling the truth??

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 16/08/2018 11:44

God on here the man is always cheating, always.

The reality is likely either the phone didn't ring or he was doing his hobby and could not be arsed speaking to you. Does it not go to voice mail if unanswered?

If this is all you have to go on I'd probably react like he did and be really annoyed with you.

Bluntness100 · 16/08/2018 11:45

Op, he could absolutely be telling the truth.

NadiaLeon · 16/08/2018 12:17

Senses often lead us the wrong way. Don't break a relationship over a hunch. Wait for evidence.

Dennishoppersocks · 16/08/2018 12:17

It’s the text more than anything. Unless he sends you messages like that regularly, it was meant for someone else. He will be BESIDE himself.

And erroneous texts do happen, but they’re usually a lot more innocent sounding than that.

Jammin3 · 16/08/2018 12:21

He's quite clearly gaslighting you. You know him best

MrsMozart · 16/08/2018 12:46

Sounds very odd lass.

I hope there's a simple explanation for it all.

Trinity66 · 16/08/2018 12:55

This can happen with mobiles though- it’s happened with DH, DD and I where we are ringing and ringnging and it never gets through but also doesn’t ring or show up on their call logs. I have called DD out on it and DH has said he was with her and phone didn’t ring at all.

Yeah my DH has rang a few times and my phone never rung for me eventhough it was sitting right next to me. But there's the landline ringing out too in this case and the unusual text. Instincts shouldn't be ignored imo, when you've been with someone a longtime, you just know when they're acting strangely/something is going on

Alfiemoon1 · 16/08/2018 13:22

I’ve had Work try calling my mobile and although it rang on their phone it didn’t on mine and the same thing happened when I rang my sons phone

Does he usually randomly text iam horny out the blue ? Or could that have been for someone else

MilkshakeMonkey · 16/08/2018 16:02

Defo agree with others who say act normal and keep your witts about you. Even just a “sorry for the misunderstanding yesterday, let’s just forget about it?” Then change subject.
Can you find out email account if you can’t access the phone he’s ‘glued’ to? Try and have a dig around his car, glove box, spare wheel etc
Be nice and the truth will come out Flowers

HarmlessChap · 16/08/2018 16:40

Yeah my DH has rang a few times and my phone never rung for me eventhough it was sitting right next to me. But there's the landline ringing out too in this case and the unusual text.
If both calls were dialed on the same mobile the "fault" could have been with the outgoing network, so not unusual.

Dowser · 16/08/2018 16:41

They all mess up in the end... if they are leading a double life
Some I believe subconsciously want to be caught aka my ex who openly walked in hand in hand with one of his Ow
Probably hoping someone would tell me and force my hand

Nobody did.... till after he’d finally given up playing cat and mouse and left
By then the game was up anyway... but yes he covered up his dodgy dealings with aggression
Didn’t know it as gaslighting then, always tried to put the blame on me
I should’ve listened to my gut but allowed myself to be blind sided
Mumsnet would’ve smoked him like a kipper

Dowser · 16/08/2018 16:42

Oh and like love actually... there was the gold necklace I never received

SleepWarrior · 16/08/2018 16:56

It's really hard to tell from just your side of it.

When you spoke on the phone did you jump down his throat about it or sound stressy with him? That could explain his bad attitude back at you, but if you were perfectly pleasant then his defensiveness is absolutely a red flag.

The phones not displaying your calls does happen sometimes. That said, it's quite a few little things coming together to create picture. It could be innocent though.

Do your spidey senses tingle a lot? I'd be more inclined to trust them if they generally don't, and something setting them off is an unusual occurrence.

Lookatyourwatchnow · 16/08/2018 17:04

I think the most suspicious part is the sudden 'I'm really horny' text after no contact all day. Why are you so sure that the message was meant for you if he wouldn't usually send you messages like that?

Mitzimaybe · 16/08/2018 17:15

The defensiveness is what would clinch it in my mind. Trying to make you feel bad for asking him about it. Red flags all over this. And he was due back tomorrow but now he's coming back today? Hmm...

As the MN saying goes, get all your ducks in a row, preferably before he gets home.

CheekyFuckerHQ · 16/08/2018 21:12

Is he home now OP? Does he seem different? I hope you’re ok

NotTheFordType · 16/08/2018 21:38

It seems you'd be happier on your own, lets be honest.

RhubarbTea · 16/08/2018 22:11

Defensiveness and that odd text about being horny are HUGE red flags for lying and I would be watching and waiting.
If he is doing something, he would arrange it for his birthday as well wouldn't he? It's all a bit shit, really. Sad Nice, honest people don't get defensive like that. They jump to reassure you, are kind, and open.
I always honour my spidey senses.

Modestandatinybitsexy · 17/08/2018 07:29

I hope face to face he's been a bit more forthcoming and has an explanation you like.

MarthasGinYard · 17/08/2018 08:53

'That's only ever happened once before and he was lying about something then too.'

Op trust your gut instinct it's seldom wrong

Melliegrantfirstlady · 17/08/2018 09:01

Op

Check his phones location? You can go on and find out where he actually was at the time you tried to call him. It’s in location services.

This is iPhone only though not sure if the other phones do it

NotTheFordType · 17/08/2018 09:02

Coincidentally, I've woken up this morning to 2 voicemails, but no missed call notifications.

Phones CAN fuck up.

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