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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I ignore my spidey senses??

139 replies

pandoraphile · 15/08/2018 21:11

DP works away. A lot. Out in very a remote area. He is always contactable and we speak at least 2-3 times during the day and we message frequently. His job means that he HAS to be contactable on the landline so he always answers within 2-4 rings. ALWAYS.

He had the day off today and said that he was working from the house all day doing some stuff to do with his hobby. He says he never left it. I tried to call him at 12ish on his mobile. No answer. His mobile has never rung out there before because there really is 0% signal. Whatever, maybe there was a sudden patch of reception. But he would ALWAYS, ALWAYS call me back. This time he didn't. Which struck me as odd.

No contact at all until I tried again to call him on the landline at 4ish which, again, rang out. By this point I was actually worried because it is so out of character for him. I then had to run around dropping DD2 to a sleepover party, got caught by the mum, had to stay for a chat, etc., etc. Got home and was cooking DD1 dinner. I get a text : "I'm really horny." Er- what?! No contact all day and that's the first thing he says?? Bizarre. That's only ever happened once before and he was lying about something then too. I'm also 98% confident that the text was meant for me. Anyway, he then rings.

We then had a sort of argument which I'll precis: I said I tried to call, he denied the phone ringing either time. We went round and round in circles. He immediately became very defensive, "So you're accusing me are you?" - No, I'm stating fact, you didn't answer your phone. The only reason I tried to speak to him twice is because it's his birthday today!! I got variously:

"So you're accusing me of lying to you?"
"I don't know why you're accusing me." (I wasn't, I was very calm and explained that I had called him twice and both times it rang out. I really do not have an axe to grind!!) He got very defensive which is totally unlike him.

Then we had the long pauses. Which is one of his cues when he's lying. Then we had the overly stroppy "Oh, best birthday EVER!" I cannot explain how much this is out of character. I've actually made a huge amount of effort for his birthday, which he won't know until he's home (tomorrow.....).

He kept denying that the phone had rung. I kept calmly saying that it had. I'm not going insane. I heard those separate phones ring for a few seconds each time. I only rang twice at 12 and at 4.

He then starts on the whole dramatic "Call me now then, I need to know if the phone is working properly. It's a huge work issue if it's not." I do as he asks and lo and behold the phone is answered. He then blathers on about contacting BT to check the line because there must be a massive issue and it can't affect work (he's finished work and the on-call person also has a work mobile). He actually went so far as to say:

"I didn't get any callouts last week and I'm wondering if the phone is the reason." Right - so - when people need you urgently, they're only going to try one line? Despite there being a dedicated work mobile? And the fact that you're at work all day and they can see you there? You are really worried that some calls might have been missed? To clarify: if he's called out of hours then it's an emergency. So if there had been a cock-up he would DEFINITELY know. So I strongly suspect that the whole 'I need to contact BT about this' is smoke and mirrors.

It would be insanely out of character for him to be cheating/hiding something. But he himself said "There's no mobile signal for ten miles south of here." I said "Well, you must have been ten miles south then!" He denies it.

I really, really, think he's lying. WTAF do I do??

OP posts:
bionicnemonic · 17/08/2018 09:13

On two septoccasions I’ve even had a text come through that was sent several months earlier. One of them was a new text with an old text randomly plonked in the middle of it and the other was an old text that I had already had that was delivered again months later. No reason could be established

mikado1 · 17/08/2018 09:39

NotTheFordType , they might have rung straight to voicemail or your phone might have been momentarily out of coverage. I often call straight to voicemail if unsocial hours.

pandoraphile · 17/08/2018 13:39

I'm afraid that I did the worst possible thing. I got myself all worked up, cried hysterically, we argued all through his journey home. The DC were around last night so we couldn't really have a full conversation, but the gist of it was that he just cannot explain the calls. Insists he was in all day. I asked for his google account password to check his location history which he immediately gave me. But there was no location history in there because he hasn't had an Android phone for about 4 years. There were loads of locations listed before that. We had an ok evening in the end but today I'm back to square one.

I'm so torn. And I know I'm behaving oddly. I just can't get my head around this yet.

I desperately want to believe him but I just can't. After arguing he then said that he didn't have a car so how could he get anywhere? This is true and it's a minute island. But that doesn't mean shit if someone else has a car......

OP posts:
Lovemelikeimfabulous · 17/08/2018 14:11

OP I feel your pain. It could all be innocent or he could be deceiving you. The best approach is to adopt stealthy observation of his future behaviour. I had years of suspicions. My XH text me “ I love you too” when I hadn’t texted him, came out with all sorts of explanations. In the end he tripped himself up, they always do.

PouchofDouglas · 17/08/2018 14:17

it is not innocent. He is having an affair obviously.

MarthasGinYard · 17/08/2018 14:18

If you believe that no contact on his birthday and then a random 'feeling horney' is odd behaviour for him then trust your gut.

Just be vigilant

If he has been up to anything he's going to probably be ultra careful

.... for a while

esk1mo · 17/08/2018 14:55

does he have an iphone? you could do two things: check his frequent locations in settings, and check his battery usage for how much time he spent on each app over the last week.

Electrascoffee · 17/08/2018 15:03

What was he lying about the last time?

PouchofDouglas · 17/08/2018 15:14

He met her for his birthday, phone was on silent - so missed it. Deleted the call not thinking you would check.
They parted, he texted who he thought was her saying he was horny,

You got it.
He panicked

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 17/08/2018 15:21

Does he usually text you that he’s horny and with no context? Literally “I’m horny” as opposed to part of a conversation or “I’m horny, can’t wait to see you pandoraphile” etc.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Flowers

User1011 · 17/08/2018 18:52

You’ve not answered why you were checking up on him in the first place.

Either your massively paranoid or he has previous.

And yes when you get constantly accused of being up to things when you haven’t, you get angry.

MarthasGinYard · 17/08/2018 18:54

'What was he lying about the last time?'

Was it a similar thing which happened?

pandoraphile · 17/08/2018 19:07

He lied about watching porn. Insisted he didn't even though I was suspicious (we'd had a chat about it). He lied and lied and eventually cracked and admitted it. The difference here was that he was sitting in front of me at the time, not hundreds of miles away.

I just do not know what to think.

He's behaving in a very calm and concerned way towards me. Keeps saying "You don't look happy." I say I'm fine and smile, but I know I seem distant. Of course I fucking am!!

I cannot make the facts add up. Dc are away tonight so there might be a chance for another chat. I'm sure he'd give me his phone if I asked, but I'm equally sure that anything dodgy will be deleted/very well hidden.

OP posts:
OutPinked · 17/08/2018 19:14

If the ‘I’m horny’ text is out of character, I would honestly be certain that was meant for someone else. You know your DH, if thats the sort of thing he would just send with nothing else then I wouldn’t be overly suspicious but if not...

The phone ringing thing, not sure. People have been certain they called my mobile before and I’ve never had a missed call. I would look through his call logs and see if your missed call is on there.

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 17/08/2018 19:56

Does he send you text messages like the one you received normally? Is the text out of character and tone for your relationship?

PouchofDouglas · 17/08/2018 20:01

Man works away watches porn

Oh ffs op. Be realistic

pandoraphile · 17/08/2018 20:01

The text message is very normal for him. Nothing out of the ordinary.

There's no missed call on his phone. I could kind of believe a glitch on one phone, but not two in the same day at the same time. Especially not when a working landline phone is as essential as it is for his job.

I really do not know what to do. He's been out but he'll be back in a minute and I know he'll just hang around me looking concerned and hoping I'm ok.

OP posts:
pandoraphile · 17/08/2018 20:02

Douglas - there's a lot of background to that situation. I don't care if he watches porn all day long! My point was that I knew he was lying to me.

OP posts:
User1011 · 17/08/2018 20:16

Still not answered why you were checking up on him?!

skopu · 17/08/2018 21:05

user1011 not sure which bit of checking up you're referring to but OP rang him twice cos it was his birthday. Although it seems weird of him not to be available for - and answer - a call from OP on his birthday whether he's totally innocent or hiding something.

blueshoes · 17/08/2018 21:17

If the text message is normal, then the rest re: not hearing phones ringing is pretty normal in my household.

Once I really blew up at my dcs are not answering the home landline when I called multiple times. They swore they did not hear the phone ringing. I called the home phone right there and then and actually there was nothing. I don't often hear my mobile especially if I have my head phones on.

If he was really up to no good and you are certain the horny text was meant for you, then it sounds plausible that he would text something like that out of the blue without referencing the previous calls because he genuinely did not realise you had tried calling earlier.

I realise you have a strong sense when he lies and it is right not to dismiss your gut. But my head says you ought to hold your hand in this situation and wait for more proof.

Time4Gin · 17/08/2018 21:17

Agh god I’ve been there a few times! Trust your instincts but remember if he’s been a bit of a liar before, it could again have been him w**king off for his birthday (is that a thing?!) and just being generally self-indulgent while the phone was or wasn’t ringing. That lack of signal thing gets me though... if it was my DH I would remind him of the time he was lying before and say look you lied before and the end result wasnt bad, just don’t lie about it. And ask him to do the same again ie just like with kids, tell him yiu just want the truth, however awful, so that you don’t feel like you’re going crazy, and that you’ll deal with the content.

Don’t snoop about playing detective, it’s so demeaning, ask him to tell you and make it okay for him to confess, even if obviously it wont be okay if he confesses an affair or a fling or something hideous. I just think men are kids mostly! Let them let their guard down and then see what’s actually happening from the horse’s mouth.

And hugs to you! My spidey senses are always in overdrive and I drive my DH nuts, but I haven’t been wrong - apart from when I’ve blown things out of proportion and got the intensity wrong ie yes my DH has lied but it’s normally been “yes I turnined off my phone because you were annoying me and I was busy”, or, “I didn’t come home promptly because I went for a beer and didn’t want to tell you because we left for the beer at 4pm and had a couple rather than one beer at 6pm” sorta stuff.

And it’s v occasional.

X x X

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 17/08/2018 21:37

Does he normally tell you he's feeling horny when you're not around to help him out with that? Seems odd.

The missed calls, locations not adding up, his defensiveness and his excuse that he can't have been anywhere because he doesn't have a car Hmm Confused would make me suspicious too.

Your H's explanation and reaction wasn't great. Unfortunately now that you've shown your hand, if there IS something going on, he will start to hide things better.

esk1mo · 18/08/2018 00:51

he might not know about the two things i mentioned. checking his location in settings and checking what apps he used and for how long.

if he has “frequent locations” switched on it will tell you where he was on that day and for how long. the app usage will show you eg “whatsapp used for 7hrs” when you know he doesnt use whatsapp that much, or “messages used for 3hrs” but you and he weren’t texting.

its worth a try, i caught my ex doing dodgy stuff via those two things.

NotTheWayISeeIt · 18/08/2018 08:49

Sounds really stressful. It's hard to know what to do. If someone accused me of having an affair when I hadn't then I'd been really cross too but the phone thing sounds odd to.... I don't know it's very tricky.