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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I ignore my spidey senses??

139 replies

pandoraphile · 15/08/2018 21:11

DP works away. A lot. Out in very a remote area. He is always contactable and we speak at least 2-3 times during the day and we message frequently. His job means that he HAS to be contactable on the landline so he always answers within 2-4 rings. ALWAYS.

He had the day off today and said that he was working from the house all day doing some stuff to do with his hobby. He says he never left it. I tried to call him at 12ish on his mobile. No answer. His mobile has never rung out there before because there really is 0% signal. Whatever, maybe there was a sudden patch of reception. But he would ALWAYS, ALWAYS call me back. This time he didn't. Which struck me as odd.

No contact at all until I tried again to call him on the landline at 4ish which, again, rang out. By this point I was actually worried because it is so out of character for him. I then had to run around dropping DD2 to a sleepover party, got caught by the mum, had to stay for a chat, etc., etc. Got home and was cooking DD1 dinner. I get a text : "I'm really horny." Er- what?! No contact all day and that's the first thing he says?? Bizarre. That's only ever happened once before and he was lying about something then too. I'm also 98% confident that the text was meant for me. Anyway, he then rings.

We then had a sort of argument which I'll precis: I said I tried to call, he denied the phone ringing either time. We went round and round in circles. He immediately became very defensive, "So you're accusing me are you?" - No, I'm stating fact, you didn't answer your phone. The only reason I tried to speak to him twice is because it's his birthday today!! I got variously:

"So you're accusing me of lying to you?"
"I don't know why you're accusing me." (I wasn't, I was very calm and explained that I had called him twice and both times it rang out. I really do not have an axe to grind!!) He got very defensive which is totally unlike him.

Then we had the long pauses. Which is one of his cues when he's lying. Then we had the overly stroppy "Oh, best birthday EVER!" I cannot explain how much this is out of character. I've actually made a huge amount of effort for his birthday, which he won't know until he's home (tomorrow.....).

He kept denying that the phone had rung. I kept calmly saying that it had. I'm not going insane. I heard those separate phones ring for a few seconds each time. I only rang twice at 12 and at 4.

He then starts on the whole dramatic "Call me now then, I need to know if the phone is working properly. It's a huge work issue if it's not." I do as he asks and lo and behold the phone is answered. He then blathers on about contacting BT to check the line because there must be a massive issue and it can't affect work (he's finished work and the on-call person also has a work mobile). He actually went so far as to say:

"I didn't get any callouts last week and I'm wondering if the phone is the reason." Right - so - when people need you urgently, they're only going to try one line? Despite there being a dedicated work mobile? And the fact that you're at work all day and they can see you there? You are really worried that some calls might have been missed? To clarify: if he's called out of hours then it's an emergency. So if there had been a cock-up he would DEFINITELY know. So I strongly suspect that the whole 'I need to contact BT about this' is smoke and mirrors.

It would be insanely out of character for him to be cheating/hiding something. But he himself said "There's no mobile signal for ten miles south of here." I said "Well, you must have been ten miles south then!" He denies it.

I really, really, think he's lying. WTAF do I do??

OP posts:
Renarde1975 · 18/08/2018 09:09

Hmm yes.

OK, first thing that strikes me is the fact that he's conditioned you to expect messages at certain times of day. Therefore the absence of them immediately raises alarm or to put it more bluntly; anxiety.

The 'I'm horny text' was absolutely meant for you but not in that way. It was caused to raise even more anxiety. The fact it was also his birthday is extremely significant.

You mention that you then got very upset and started crying. THIS was the reaction he wanted and which he got. Because he's manipulated you.

You say he's very clever? I would tend to agree and I don't even know the guy. It is also worrisome that he has a job which takes him away from home a lot.

OP; this ain't looking good. There is another woman, probably a couple or even three or four. What he does next will be intresting but to behave in the way that he did above means that he needed to get that reaction from you. As you are his intimate, primary partner, to devalue you in this way raises eyebrows.

Is the above set of characters out of character to him or has this kind of thing happened before?

Renarde1975 · 18/08/2018 09:11

Oh and as others' have pointed out; NEVER ignore your spidy sense. Ever.

Chippyway · 18/08/2018 10:10

Sorry but I actually think you’re MASSIVELY over reacting here and several things jump out at me about your relationship as being incredibly unhealthy

You talk 2/3 times a day as well as text? What, why?! Confused that’s not normal or even healthy. How do you find things to talk about? Even more so you talk that much you find it weird if it rings more than a certain amount of times? Sorry but that’s weird..

Secondly, he works away and you don’t like him watching porn? Oh bloody hell... so the poor man is expected to have 2/3 phonecalls a day with you and is clearly expected to answer within a certain amount of rings otherwise you find it strange? He’s also not allowed to watch porn when he’s by himself? You also then turn hysterical and think of checking his phone etc.

He was driving home yet you still call and argue? Wtf?

Why don’t you give him SPACE?! Fuck me the poor man can’t breathe. I would be long gone if my boyfriend expected this level of communication. You sound extremely controlling and too much OP.

If I rang my boyfriend and he never answered I’d simply put the phone down and get on with my day. I certainly wouldn’t start having a breakdown and assuming he’s up to no good... Confused

Your relationship is NOT healthy. Maybe that’s why he works away Hmm

Jamboree05 · 18/08/2018 10:38

@chippyway. I've already seen two threads this morning where you've been particularly unpleasant questioning the OP for no bloody reason.

I talk to my DP 2/3 times a day and text, always just general chit chat. The calls are instigated by both of us. I can assure you we are perfectly healthy, happy and have a really bloody normal relationship.

If the OP knows her husband well enough to know something is amiss, why the fuck shouldn't she bring it up? Especially if he is reacting like an over defensive prick. That rings every alarm bell going FFS!!!

Butterymuffin · 18/08/2018 11:15

Chippy the OP had said she didn't care about him watching porn. Maybe try reading the thread again?

Renarde1975 · 18/08/2018 11:37

Don't bother chiding Chippy fellow MN'ers. Grin

I believe the term is 'goady fucker'?

I have another term for it though...Wink

Belindabauer · 18/08/2018 11:39

He doesn't have a car, so how did he drive home?
Not the point but just curious.

User1011 · 18/08/2018 12:14

Completely agree with Chippyway, sounds like the OP is checking up on him constantly.

Why did she phone his mobile if she knew he never has signal where he is.

As for suggesting he’s got 3 or 4 women on the go sounds like you want to cause trouble.

OP - don’t let your paranoia destroy your relationship, and don’t let the negative people on here put things in your head in order to cause trouble.

Chippyway · 18/08/2018 13:42

I’m genuinely not goading at all

I just don’t think 2/3 phone calls a day as well as texting is normal or healthy. I also find it absolutely bizarre that just because he doesn’t pick up by the 4th ring it means something isn’t right. Expecting your partner to be able to pick up the phone and chat within 4 rings 24/7 is NOT normal.

He lied about watching porn. Insisted he didn't even though I was suspicious (we'd had a chat about it). He lied and lied and eventually cracked and admitted it

That to me does not seem like the OP is fine with him watching porn Hmm if he repeatedly lied about doing so, and she had to have a chat with him about watching it, I hardly think she’s okay with it.

If the OP knows her husband well enough to know something is amiss, why the fuck shouldn't she bring it up? Especially if he is reacting like an over defensive prick. That rings every alarm bell going FFS!!!

Maybe he isn’t over reacting?! Maybe he’s just had enough of having to be in contact with her fucking 24/7!

If I came on here and said my boyfriend went absolutely mental and wanted to check my phone and expected 2/3 calls a day as well as texts and thought I was cheating because I didn’t answer within 4 rings you’d all tell me he was off his nut and to leave him!!!

It would NEVER occur to me to think my boyfriend was up to no good just because he didn’t answer his bloody phone. THAT is not normal

NadiaLeon · 18/08/2018 13:48

Good points chippy. It's a compelling case. I think the OP should ignore it and get on with the rest of her precious life.

pandoraphile · 18/08/2018 18:15

First point - it is not me initiating contact 2/3 times a day - it's him. He can't be disturbed during work so he takes the chance to ring me while he can. I answer if I can. That's all there is to it.

I rang his mobile because I knew he wasn't working that day so I didn't know if he was out and about somewhere.

Porn thing - genuinely couldn't care less! Apart from if it was something illegal, obvs.

OP posts:
pandoraphile · 18/08/2018 18:16

Nadia - 'precious' life?!

OP posts:
Electrascoffee · 18/08/2018 19:06

Why did he lie about watching porn if he knows you're ok about it? Was he embarrassed about it?

Electrascoffee · 18/08/2018 19:07

'I just don’t think 2/3 phone calls a day as well as texting is normal or healthy. I also find it absolutely bizarre that just because he doesn’t pick up by the 4th ring it means something isn’t right. Expecting your partner to be able to pick up the phone and chat within 4 rings 24/7 is NOT normal. '

All relationships are different and have different routines.

Electrascoffee · 18/08/2018 19:09

I think one problem with threads like this is that the title will be clicked on by people who've been cheated on so you'll get a biased response which suggests your DH is cheating.

However, I'm not saying he isn't cheating. He could be.

Smallhorse · 18/08/2018 19:28

Exactly what chippy says.
I’d be pretty angry if my dh accused me of cheating because I didn’t answer my phone .

And yet so many here would be advising him to trust his “spidey senses”

What nonsense.

MarthasGinYard · 18/08/2018 20:26

Hardly odd for Op to initiate contact on her DH birthday.

Time4Gin · 18/08/2018 20:33

Smallhorse and Chippyway - the OP has come here to discuss feelings she’s having difficulty with, could we please be a bit more respectful, even if / especially if you want to say something that might feel to her like you’re dismissing her feelings if you don’t say it more respectfully?

Smallhorse · 18/08/2018 21:19

Time4gin I an completely sympathetic to,the OPs anxieties.

It’s the feeding of those anxieties by other posters that gets me annoyed.

Why on Mumsnet do people insist on making women in these situations feel even worse by INSISTING their “spidey senses “ (ridiculous phrase only seen on mumsnet) MUST be correct ?

It’s completely illogical.

NadiaLeon · 18/08/2018 21:24

@pandoraphile

You don't think your life is precious? I think every life is.

Chippyway · 18/08/2018 23:15

He can't be disturbed during work so he takes the chance to ring me while he can. I answer if I can. That's all there is to it

“I answer if I can”

Fair enough. But when he doesn’t answer you automatically assume the worst and think he’s up to no good and start accusing him of this that and the other? Does he do the same to you when you can’t answer??

Also you rang him whilst he was driving home to see you - so obviously it isn’t him that calls you every time.

I rang his mobile because I knew he wasn't working that day so I didn't know if he was out and about somewhere

But you talk 2/3 times a day as well as text each other. Surely if that was the case you’d know whether he was out and about? And if so, why not just leave him to it and chat later?

Porn thing - genuinely couldn't care less!

Then why did he feel the need to lie about watching it? Why did you have to have a chat about it??

It doesn’t sound like he’s the one initiating all this contact. If so, you wouldn’t have flown off the handle all because he didn’t answer the phone within 4 rings.
It honestly sounds like you need the constant contact OP, and when you don’t get it you freak out and assume the worst.

Regardless of the fact every couple have their different levels of communication, it is NOT in any way normal to think and behave like this simply because he didn’t answer his phone. It is also NOT normal to expect him to answer within 4 rings, and assume somethings happened if he doesn’t.

Time4Gin · 19/08/2018 19:52

OP how are you and things? Hopefully good Flowers

pandoraphile · 20/08/2018 00:18

Oh my goodness. I can't even begin to deal with some of the responses.

I'd hoped that I wouldn't have to update with this, but - I've spoken to a few friends and they've all said it's strange. I went upstairs about an hour ago and asked him AGAIN and he just repeated his lies. I told him it's over because I CANNOT live like this. Knowing he's lying. He hasn't come near me since. Surely if someone had accused you of something that you were innocent of, you would be going all out to explain everything???

Not so. Nothing.

As it happens, I went through his iPad today and nothing. Not even a slightest hint

OP posts:
pandoraphile · 20/08/2018 00:32

I feel like I'm going insane. He's always been so amazing. And now, just nothing.

OP posts:
Ginormoustrawberry · 20/08/2018 01:20

You are effectively ending your marriage over your DH not answer8n* the phone!

You are off the scale BU