How can a man (me) approach his partner about PMS

[Anon1221]

Hi everybody. I have seen some great advice on this forum, we used it a lot when my son (now 7) was born, but this one is slightly different, and hopefully somebody can help me.

I will really try and be as sensitive as I can, I don’t want I get flamed on here. I appreciate that I could never comprehend what it is like to have hormones everywhere, but unfortunately I feel like my situation is spiralling further and further out of control.

My partner (26F) can be very stubborn, as can I, especially in an argument. 99% of the time we get on great, buy an argument can really take it out of both of us as we are both to proud to take any responsibility at the time. I am always the one to admit fault (even when I do not think I was necessarily in the wrong) just to get the argument finished. The problem then is I am sort of left having to work hard for a couple of weeks to get the relationship going on all burners again. I suppose it’s better than the alternative, because I do think the world of her, but it is starting to wear me down.

To get back onto my point, these arguments (over nothing but can go on a few days) tend to crop up around the time of my partners period. I am generally very laid back, but I have found myself putting in extra effort around this time to give a wider berth. Again, please let me stress, I do not envy anyone who has to go through this. But it’s starting to have an effect on me, that I can’t really ignore any more, as I’m my view it can become slightly bullying behaviour.

The latest example is this. We were out walking the dog with some friends. I didn’t realise my SO had the dog on the lead, and I, without thinking, threw a ball for him. He’s quite a big dog, and unfortunately pulled my partner to the ground quite hard. I didn’t realise what had really happened at first, but I instantly ran over and helped her up and made sure she was ok. I apologised as I really felt terrible, but this was met with a furious outburst, which ended up with me being punched, with moderate/hard force to my neck/collar bone area. I could see I had made a mistake and I did apologise, I genuinely felt terrible, but I did calmly say that I didn’t think that it was an acceptable reaction, especially in front of friends, although I can see why she did it to a certain extent?

Anyway, we continued walking, and admittedly, I was in a bit of a huff. I didn’t say anything, but I think this was the problem. We stopped after a minute or so, and my partner started yelling at me saying “I was in another one of my moods” , “This is why I hate you” , “I don’t want to be with you if you’re going to be like this” , “I’m ashamed to bring you out with my friends” and also started waiving the car keys at me and telling me to go and wait in the car, I felt really humiliated, but I could see she was really upset, as she was crying, so I continued to not say anything.

Fast forward, we make it to our destination, and as our friends got drinks, she learnt over to me and nicely asked if we could forget it. For the sake of not embarrassing ourselves in front of friends, the day sort of returned to normality.

Next day, we wake up, and I admittedly was in a bit of a huff. My partner was in a great mood and acting like nothing happened. I tried to reciprocate this, but I genuinely felt quite hurt about what had happened, and then later in the morning voiced my concerns. At this point, I should probably say, I really wish I had just forgotten about the whole thing and just moved on, I think this is something I definitely have to work on to avoid situations like this in the future.

This is when the * hit the fan unfortunately! She has essentially broken up with me, but is putting all of the blame on me. I understand I was clumsy to throw the ball without checking if the dog was on a lead. But I have been met with threats to break up with me, comments like “I’m ashamed of myself for staying with you if you keep going in these moods” “I’m sick of the person you’ve become with your relationship ruining moods” “I’ve lost all my trust in you” “my friends think you’re crazy” “this is why you have no friends” (this is the worst one as I am sensitive to the fact that I haven’t got any close friends, mainly due to me devoting most of my time to my partner). I have somehow now become the one feeling like I have to apologise. The only thing that she seems to care about is me being in a “mood”.

I have tried to explain that after a scenario like that, I don’t really feel like talking. Apart from not talking my behaviour is totally normal, as in I don’t start slamming things about or anything like that.

I’m so sorry this is the worlds longest post. But I am terrified of how to approach this subject. As I mentioned earlier, it’s not a negative trait in particular, but she is very stubborn, and never takes responsibility for anything (as in it’s always someone else’s fault) should I just give an even wider berth in the future (as this sort of thing is happening almost monthly) or is it best to approach her about it. If so, what would be the best way to word it, without coming across insensitive, rude or ignorant?

Thanks for enduring if you have made it this far.

It is never ok to hit someone, even if you have pms.

On the other hand, I wouldn't ever tell someone rows happen during her time of the month. Its possible she's more truthful and less inclined to make the peace then. You do sound like you sulk rather than communicate, which does my nut personally.

What's good about the relationship?

There’s no excuse for her punching you, regardless of what led up to it.

You should break up and she needs to sort herself out. Even once is too often, and I imagine this isn’t the first time she’s lashed out if she did it in front of friends.

If she felt that you threw the ball to get the dog to pull her over on purpose then she should have left you, not punched you. It sounds like a toxic relationship tbh.

Fluctuating hormones may or may not contribute to the argument - it’s a convenient excuse for one or both of you - but regardless, she must know if it’s causing her to act out of character and should have sought help long ago.

This is not a healthy relationship, her physical violence, your sulking, her lack of taking responsibility. Life’s too short.

Well that doesn’t sound great.

Sulking is not a healthy way to solve problems but she sounds like a horror.

I would suggest that you leave.

But twice you've told us that you've been in a huff? It does sound like you are quite moody and she has really had enough of it. You really did throw the ball and she was dragged along the ground. An apology isn't real if you then continue to be huffy. Having said that, I get terrible PMT and behave awfully with it. I'm not sure there's any good way at all for you to broach the subject though. Does she ever mention it herself? Have you tracked the timing of her moods to be sure of yourself in this regard?

Sorry, I should have made it clear that hitting you is absolutely unacceptable. Was this in front of your friends?

Thanks for the replies, didn’t expect them so quick. This isn’t the first time I have been hit unfortunately. Yes, me sulking has definitely not helped whatsoever, I tend to go into my shell and I can see why that would be a contributing factor. In this instance though, I was shocked to the point I felt sick, so I honestly had nothing to say, it wasn’t as if I was sulking to prove a point or get a reaction.

As far as what’s good in the relationship, we get on absolutely brilliantly most of the time, I have had concerns that we arent very intimate, but I’ve accepted that it’s just the way she is, I would never persuade anybody to do something they don’t want to do. But we have nice days out, holidays, generally enjoy each others company. We have the same friendship circle and I do count myself very lucky (most of the time) I had my son in a previous relationship.

I know I shouldn’t look for PMS as an excuse, but these bouts do 100% coincide with her cycle. I can guarantee if I called up and apologised now, we would be abit sheepish tomorrow but absolutely fine again the next day. But I get scared that the things says in anger are true and it does make me question things a lot. I just feel abit worn down, and I feel like the bad guy, and when that happens, she will use it as ammo for the next argument.

Any advice about what I can do in a similar situation other than ‘sulking’ it’s a horrible trait, and it inflames things even more. Anything I can do to help I will.

Tbh it doesn’t sound like she has pms. You say yourself she was ina good mood. Her behavior (not the hitting that’s not accepatable at all) was a direct reaction to being hurt when you did something a bit silly.

Sounds like a relationship that is not working but I think you’re scared to move on as you have few friends and have cut yourself off from people by getting caught up in this relationship.

Maybe you need to spend some time on yourself and not on other people? Alone?

Hi, yes right in front of our friends, I don’t get angry whatsoever, but my reaction may have been equally as bad, as I did get moody, this is after getting punched though, prior to that I was very apologetic, genuinely didn’t know what to do after but any advice welcomed

Well talking things over is infinitely better than sulking. My DP and I are only just making strides in this regard after 5 years! However, given the physical aggression she shows you, this is not a healthy relationship so talking things over is putting a band aid on a broken leg.

Seriously, it’s not ok. Ever. And until she acknowledges that and gets some help with it (whether anger management or some treatment for any hormonal issues if that is indeed the problem) she needs to move out.

Everyone seems to be skirting the issue. This is abusive behaviour followed up with gaslighting - ie its all your fault. She definitely has anger management issues as well as if you are helping her up and apologising etc and she lays into you in front of others - where is her self control.

Yes I can understand it’s a direct reaction to being hurt, it was silly of me but a genuine error. That being said, I wouldn’t mind being called names or being shouted at in general as in some ways I deserved it, but some comments are made every time, and they are quite hurtful/personal.

She was only in a good mood for about half an hour after waking up the next day. For the rest of the day that it happened she was very cold with me. I only think this because there are so many emotions involved, she’s not normally an angry person, and it did range from sheer anger, to uncontrollable crying. This is just one example, but the same happens in other arguments too.

Don’t want to come across whiney here either! I’m not 100% innocent, I should have checked before throwing the ball, I shouldn’t have sulked after and I probably should have accepted the bargain of forgetting about it the day after so there are definitely lessons to be learnt for me

Thanks everyone for taking the time to comment by the way

1. Never suggest to a woman that PMS is the cause of her being pre-menstrual. That never ends well.
2. She shouldn't be hitting you and it all sounds like it isn't a great relationship with or without PMS. Think hard about leaving.

Here lies my problem. I could never ask her to get help or make the slightest criticism. When I say nothing is her fault, I mean it’s too the extreme. If she pulls out on somebody in the car and they rightly beep the horn, their car is too light, or their should be traffic lights. I could give a million examples, but so far in our 3 year relationship, I don’t think she has once owned up to anything. She simply wouldn’t buy it I’m afraid and it would definitely spark another argument.

From the outside it seems like a pretty woeful relationship. My feelings for her have slightly changed, normally by now I’d be begging for forgiveness and buying flowers etc but this time, I’m barely replying to her messages (she is staying at parents house). I guess I am being selfish, and I sort of want an apology from her.

Is the general consensus not to bring up her period? I totally get that, as a man I really have no right I guess

This is not a PMS issue. This is an abusive relationship issue.
Physical violence is not ok. Hormones or being hurt by accident are no excuse for her behaviour. Tbh, I don't think this is an issue you should be trying to fix, I wouldn't advise a woman in your situation to stay and accept responsibility for addressing the reasons for their partners violence towards them.

I think various points of your post demonstrate that this an abusive relationship. Please consider separating- this is only going to get worse. Please reach out for support in RL if you can.. also look up emotional abuse.. good luck OP

If you bring up the time of the month you’re giving her an excuse. 99% of women have periods and manage not to punch our partners in the neck.

Yes, there may be a few more tears or a bit less patience than other times, but I can count on one hand the number of times my DP has actually got the timing correct when asking the immortal question “time of the month is it?”

No it generally fucking isn’t and that just trivialises the experience of many women who put up with excruciating pain and horrid symptoms without resorting to physical violence against their loved ones.

It will not end well if you try and put her nasty behaviour down to anything other than her own lack of restraint and respect for you.

TBH to be pulled over by a dog onto the ground must have been a massive shock to her. She did react badly but maybe she thought you did it on purpose?
You then walked off because she reacted to the accident and then brought it up the next day so you weren't owning what you had done.
You should have been more remorseful for doing such an awful thing to her.
She should be sorry for hitting you.
Talking to her about PMS should be done when she is free from it in a calm understanding way.
You also need to address your moods too.

When you have PMS and someone suggests it's your 'period' it's infuriating. It is pre menstrual and when it's happening you feel the rage so it being explained to you is like it's being belittled.
My second point stands.

You are in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship.

I'm glad she broke up with you because it means that you've had a lucky escape!

It is not ok in any way, shape or form for her to EVER get physical with you.
Yes, you were clumsy but that does not warrant that kind of reaction from her.

For he to say that her friends all dislike you, she hates you, you have no friends etc, that's emotional abuse.
She is breaking you down so that she can feel like she has control and it's vile.

Please please please completely go with the break up and find someone worthy of your love.

Thanks. I definitely won’t bring it up. It’s why I thought I’d ask on here first, as I guess 99% of people on here are women, you’re right I can see how it would be belittling. I was just concerned that it has developed a pattern. Definatlely see your point about being dragged to the floor, it could have been worse. We both play rugby and are well built people used to being dragged to the ground. Although it would have been a massive shock, totally appreciate that, it’s something that to be totally truthful and without getting too self righteous, I would have brushed myself off and laughed off, I was half expecting her to. In fact she thought it was her friend who threw the ball at first which didn’t get much if a reaction at all.

Gosh OP that sounds horrible. Especially as you say she’s hit you before.

If I was being physically abused and berated by my OH I would be in a silent huff too tbh, I’m not sure why posters think you were wrong there. How many people here would be interested in discussion after being punched and mocked?

Yes you fucked up with the dog, but you apologised. She carried on.

I don’t think you should bother trying to reconcile with her. If I had a child, I wouldn’t want some like her near them (assuming after 3 years, she’s met your son)

@Feckers2018 if it were a woman in an abusive relationship, she'd made an honest mistake and the man hit her, would you be saying "yeh but you did this and that so I can see why he did it"?
No.

In fact she thought it was her friend who threw the ball at first which didn’t get much if a reaction at all.

This should make it clear that she’s choosing to abuse you, she’s not just helpless to her traits.