How can a man (me) approach his partner about PMS

[Anon1221]

Hi everybody. I have seen some great advice on this forum, we used it a lot when my son (now 7) was born, but this one is slightly different, and hopefully somebody can help me.

I will really try and be as sensitive as I can, I don’t want I get flamed on here. I appreciate that I could never comprehend what it is like to have hormones everywhere, but unfortunately I feel like my situation is spiralling further and further out of control.

My partner (26F) can be very stubborn, as can I, especially in an argument. 99% of the time we get on great, buy an argument can really take it out of both of us as we are both to proud to take any responsibility at the time. I am always the one to admit fault (even when I do not think I was necessarily in the wrong) just to get the argument finished. The problem then is I am sort of left having to work hard for a couple of weeks to get the relationship going on all burners again. I suppose it’s better than the alternative, because I do think the world of her, but it is starting to wear me down.

To get back onto my point, these arguments (over nothing but can go on a few days) tend to crop up around the time of my partners period. I am generally very laid back, but I have found myself putting in extra effort around this time to give a wider berth. Again, please let me stress, I do not envy anyone who has to go through this. But it’s starting to have an effect on me, that I can’t really ignore any more, as I’m my view it can become slightly bullying behaviour.

The latest example is this. We were out walking the dog with some friends. I didn’t realise my SO had the dog on the lead, and I, without thinking, threw a ball for him. He’s quite a big dog, and unfortunately pulled my partner to the ground quite hard. I didn’t realise what had really happened at first, but I instantly ran over and helped her up and made sure she was ok. I apologised as I really felt terrible, but this was met with a furious outburst, which ended up with me being punched, with moderate/hard force to my neck/collar bone area. I could see I had made a mistake and I did apologise, I genuinely felt terrible, but I did calmly say that I didn’t think that it was an acceptable reaction, especially in front of friends, although I can see why she did it to a certain extent?

Anyway, we continued walking, and admittedly, I was in a bit of a huff. I didn’t say anything, but I think this was the problem. We stopped after a minute or so, and my partner started yelling at me saying “I was in another one of my moods” , “This is why I hate you” , “I don’t want to be with you if you’re going to be like this” , “I’m ashamed to bring you out with my friends” and also started waiving the car keys at me and telling me to go and wait in the car, I felt really humiliated, but I could see she was really upset, as she was crying, so I continued to not say anything.

Fast forward, we make it to our destination, and as our friends got drinks, she learnt over to me and nicely asked if we could forget it. For the sake of not embarrassing ourselves in front of friends, the day sort of returned to normality.

Next day, we wake up, and I admittedly was in a bit of a huff. My partner was in a great mood and acting like nothing happened. I tried to reciprocate this, but I genuinely felt quite hurt about what had happened, and then later in the morning voiced my concerns. At this point, I should probably say, I really wish I had just forgotten about the whole thing and just moved on, I think this is something I definitely have to work on to avoid situations like this in the future.

This is when the * hit the fan unfortunately! She has essentially broken up with me, but is putting all of the blame on me. I understand I was clumsy to throw the ball without checking if the dog was on a lead. But I have been met with threats to break up with me, comments like “I’m ashamed of myself for staying with you if you keep going in these moods” “I’m sick of the person you’ve become with your relationship ruining moods” “I’ve lost all my trust in you” “my friends think you’re crazy” “this is why you have no friends” (this is the worst one as I am sensitive to the fact that I haven’t got any close friends, mainly due to me devoting most of my time to my partner). I have somehow now become the one feeling like I have to apologise. The only thing that she seems to care about is me being in a “mood”.

I have tried to explain that after a scenario like that, I don’t really feel like talking. Apart from not talking my behaviour is totally normal, as in I don’t start slamming things about or anything like that.

I’m so sorry this is the worlds longest post. But I am terrified of how to approach this subject. As I mentioned earlier, it’s not a negative trait in particular, but she is very stubborn, and never takes responsibility for anything (as in it’s always someone else’s fault) should I just give an even wider berth in the future (as this sort of thing is happening almost monthly) or is it best to approach her about it. If so, what would be the best way to word it, without coming across insensitive, rude or ignorant?

Thanks for enduring if you have made it this far.

She is physically abusive. I second the advice to contact Mankind; I hope they can offer you some help.

Except that she's never wrong on anything even when she clearly is.

racecardriver - she is TOTALLY in control of her actions, because when, initially, she thought it was her friend who had thrown the ball for the dog, she didn't react at all. It was only when she realised it was OP that she became violent. This is not a helpless woman who is prey to her own hormones, it is a woman who is choosing to assault OP.

Echo the advice to run for the hills, OP, if only for the sake of your child.

She is physically and emotionally abusive.

She’s given you an out. Take it. And don’t look back.

Leave her.

No one has the right to hit anyone regardless of PMT.

Can you imagine having kids with her? using the fact she has PMT to tear shreds out of you and the kids? She sounds like a bully

I am glad pp’s have mentioned telling her about possible pmt link. She needs to know for her own and her child’s sake. It may take a while for her to acknowledge it if your theory is correct. I would try and write down some evidence corresponding with dates. To be honest it may be a relief for her - she can blame pmt rather than ‘herself’.

I would leave and I would tell her exactly why I was leaving (dates and incidents in writing) and give her a link to the website above. She can then chose to do something with this information or ignore it. If she does something with it then she can take proof to the doctor (if she hasn’t ripped it up)!

I have a friend who has got very physically aggressive each month. Once she accepted it she now does a lot of running etc on those days and has medication, both of which help her and everyone around her. She much happier in general too as she feels much more in control and less stressed.

I get awful PMS. Its the only time of the month that we argue. But I would never hit DP.
It actually helped us to acknowledge that I'm a moody cow at certain times of the month. But DP brought it up when I didn't have PMS and we hadn't been arguing. He was very sensitive about it and acknowledged that the hormones weren't my fault but that it wasn't easy for either of us. Now I track when I'm likely to get PMS so I can catch myself and make an effort to not be such a moody cow and DP can be really understanding.

What is she like the rest of the month?

Is your partner aware of the pattern in her mood swings? I was ok with my cycle/ hormones until mid 30s, never noticed any PMS, rage, foul mood which coincides with certain points in my cycle when younger. But I certainly do now.

The bad news if your partner suffers with hormone induced moods, she is not in control of how she feels. She can’t switch it off or avoid feeling angry/pissed off with everything. I could clearly feel the power of hormones during pregnancy, it was as if aliens took over my body and my brain (not in a constructive way!) But not all women are experience this.

Since my mid 30s I have noticed a pronounced drop in mood a couple of days before ovulation, I.e feel down with no reason, upset about my life, my relationship with my DH, sad (with no cause!), nobody loves me type of thing. This cloud lifts as if by magic after ovulation has occurred.

Then 5-6 days before my period is due, I noticed feeling angry, dissatisfied, I have a short fuse, annoyed about everything. I cannot stop myself experiencing these feelings. All I can do is wait it out.

PMS is a thing and it is extremely annoying because you aren’t in charge of it, but your mood is in charge of you. Women hate it as much as anybody and would love not to have to go though this sh*t.

It would be helpful for your partner to gain some awareness of how hormones can affect mood, mental equilibrium and see if she experiences the symptoms. I am not sure you can broach it safely as the matter is highly annoying to women who suffer with PMS. They loathe it and don’t want another reminder how unbearable they are at the time of the month through no fault of their own.

The only sensible thing I can suggest is you being aware of where she is in her cycle and give her some slack/ignore/this shall pass attitude/turn a blind eye. However, she needs to be aware too of what it is like to be on the receiving end of these moods and either warn you she is feeling the way she is feeling, or seek help with balancing out her hormonal swings (there are remedies for this).

Either way, it is not acceptable to hit you and display such aggression. Something needs to be done for her sake as much as yours. She needs to get better awareness and seek help to mellow/alleviate the symptoms.

Shall I add I am so grateful to my H for being the level-headed, unflappable person in the household during these ‘hormonal moods’ episodes. I half-realise my foul mood and overwhelming sadness is unfounded and got no basis in reality. I often tell him I feel this way as ovulation is approaching to give warning. Unfortunately, I cannot stop these feelings through the power of rational thought. Just read on what women go through during menopause, they hate it as much as the next person. It is no fun experiencing the power of female hormones wreaking havoc on your body and your mind. Sometimes I think men don’t know how good they have it.

@LesTroisSourisAveugles have you never sought treatment or support? There are many options.

You don't have to be like that, and it's not an excuse that other people should just put up with your "short fuse" and subsequent behaviour as you have "no control" due to it being hormonal.

Imagine having to be on tenterhooks around you every month. How awful for other people. But also for you.

You made a mistake.

you apologised PROFUSELY and her reaction was to punch you, hard.

You walking away and being quiet is NOT sulking.

You struggling to process that your DP ABUSED you is not sulking.

The only conversation you ought to be having, if at all.. is telling her that SHE HIT YOU and the only one who ought to be apologising not trying to blame you and make out you're a terrible person.

LEAVE. Get out. Do not stay in this relationship.

She sounds a nightmare. What a miserable time you're having. I'm 59, and my eldest son (37) had a woman like yours. She used to say all those hurtful and downright nasty things to him. She also threw things at him, punched and kicked him (he's 6ft 2, she's 5ft 1). He used to make excuses for her - it's her periods/she's tired/she came from a broken home, blah blah. She used to drink a lot. She lost her driving licence only a year after she'd passed her test.

I'd say get rid of her. You haven't got children with her, have you?

My son had 2 kids with his woman. She then used the excuse of hormones/being pregnant/home all day for more of her outbursts. The neighbours used to ring the police (6 times in total), and we (husband and me) witnessed her behaviour once when the police were there - all dramatic, playing the victim, pretending to cry. My son never once hit her back or pressed charges against her. As soon as the police left, she pushed me, knocked my son's head against a mirror, went mad.

My son eventually had enough of it all, left her. She made his life hell.
Now, she's doing the same with another bloke. My GC live with her. They tell us what's been happening, and SS have paid visits.

GET RID of her, she's not normal, and she won't change.

She's hit you in front of friends so she clearly sees it as socially acceptable to abuse her partner.

These kind of situations tend to escalate; what happens if you upset her again and she has a weapon to hand? Kitchen knife, scissors, hammer or as happened to a guy I know a pot of boiling pasta thrown, fortunately he managed to dodge it.

Its happened before, she sees it as OK and it will do it again, leave before you get properly injured.

OP - please leave. You say you have issues with self-esteem and that is abundantly clear in your posts. Unfortunately I fear it may have been what attracted DP to you.

Please leave - get some counselling, spend some time making friends, enjoying your son etc - and only when you feel that you actually deserve to be in a relationship that is respectful and loving - start dating again. Nobody deserves this shit - and if your DP has an issue with PMS then it's her responsibility to seek medical help. Stop trying to fix her and focus on yourself.

She is abusive. Leave her. It wont get better.

LTB! Physical violence is never OK. Please get somewhere safe.

Approach in a submissive manner, avoid eye contact and come bear in copious amounts of chocolate.

Broach the subject with her after her period and try and be understanding and offer to go with her to dr's appointment. It really isn't something we can help, one minute we are fine and he next we are ready to stab you.

A doctor is he only one who can help and medication.

Can I just point out that this so called sulking she accuses you of, which you more accurately described at one point in the thread as "going into your shell" is bullshit. Its not sulking. Its trying to avoid provoking further abusive outbursts.

FFS - this is not a thread about some poor little woman and her mood swings.

She punched him - properly punched and winded him and hasn't apologised. She regularly tells him that he's crap and has made her life terrible and that all her friends hate him. She is also 'never wrong' in any situation (nothing to do with hormones). He also stated that they have issues with 'intimacy' so it doesn't even sound like they are having amazing sex or lots of cuddles. They don't have kids. There is no reason, literally no reason, to stay. This can only get worse.

Anon . As others have said, you are in an abusive relationship. You yourself have said this isn't the first time she's hit you.

Can I ask about practical issues? Do you own a house together, and if so is it in joint names? Do you both work full time, and how is the child care split?

You need to think about these things in advance of a split.

I don't think this situation is fixable - all you can do is get yourself out of a relationship which is unsafe. And it has nothing to do with PMS.

Ah - sorry, just realised I misread the OP - your son is seven, and isn't your partner's if I've now got my head round things properly. That makes things a bit easier on a practical front.

Approach in a submissive manner, avoid eye contact and come bear in copious amounts of chocolate

Why should he be submissive? This isn't just crabbiness from pmt. She hit him.

Thrice, the OP said his partner is ok the rest of the time, it’s only at a certain point in her cycle she gets unreasonable or even aggressive. She is not like this all the time. The OP said they get on really well outside the PMS window.

She should seek help, while it may not stop the symptoms completely, it can soften them quite a bit. Other than that, OP know what it is and keep a low profile for a few days. She is hating it as much as you are...

Does anyone know what medication she might get? Is it anti depressants?

Broach the subject with her after her period and try and be understanding and offer to go with her to dr's appointment. It really isn't something we can help, one minute we are fine and he next we are ready to stab you.

No, that is pathetic. We are all grown women here (I assume?). You are in control of yourself if nothing else and we all have to take responsibility for our actions. This "oooh I can't control myself with all my crazy hormones" is a total cop-out and I'd expect better from a child.