Selfish SIL

[Nohelp5]

I’m a 37 year old man. I met my current girlfriend just over a year ago. As soon as I met her I knew she was ‘The One’. I’ve had a lot of bad luck with women over the years and never thought I’d meet anyone like my girlfriend. I introduced her to my family who all liked her but within a week or so of introducing her she had an awful riding accident which left her in a coma and the doctors didn’t think she’d pull through. Anyway, long story short, she eventually woke from the coma and was released from hospital 6 months after her accident. She has problems with her memory and can get very paranoid, but her main issues are physical. She’s very unsteady on her feet and falls over a lot (once on top of a child). She needs help showering, going to the toilet, getting dressed, can’t cook or carry a drink. She basically needs support with most tasks and someone with her all the time.

From conversations I’d had with her whilst she was in hospital she’d made it clear that she wanted to move in with me rather than go back to her parents house (where she’d been living prior to her accident) once she was released from hospital. I wasn’t sure about this but didn’t want to be the bad guy when she was still so fragile so agreed to let her move in with me and started trying to find ways to make this work. We spoke about who would help her during the day when I was at work and she rejected the idea of her parents helping her as she finds them annoying. She had a group of friends who were keen to help but it still left a number of days when there was no one around. So I suggested that my SIL could do it as she only worked part time in teaching and was at home the rest of the week looking after my nephew (aged 3).

My girlfriend and my SIL had only met twice before the accident but I was sure they’d get on well with each other so it seemed like the perfect solution. I spoke to my brother about his wife (my SIL) helping to care for my girlfriend. He said they would help out where they could but was a bit non-committal about my SIL helping on a regular basis. He said he’d mention it to her.

Anyway, time moved on and I didn’t hear from my SIL about this at all. My girlfriend had a vague release date from hospital and I started getting worried about who was going to look after her for the remaining days. I was going to speak to my brother again asking for my SIL to commit to certain days and times each week but he told me that my SIL had been admitted into hospital for a number of days (wouldn’t tell me why) and whilst in hospital they’d also found out she was pregnant. Obviously this wasn’t the time to discuss my girlfriend’s care so I left it.

Anyway, SIL came out of hospital and still didn’t bring up caring for my girlfriend (and I didn't mention it) and time has continued to move on. She has been round to see my girlfriend a few times and invited her round to hers on the odd occasion as well as taken her out a couple of times but that’s it.

It’s now 6 months since my girlfriend came out of hospital and it has been so hard. I’m exhausted. My girlfriend is making progress and improving but not as quickly as I’d hoped and I’m still having to do a lot for her when I’m with her. Every week I’m trying to find people to care for her whilst I’m at work so she isn’t on her own and I’m getting more and more angry at certain people for not doing more for my girlfriend. Her parents were very keen to help at the start and were constantly offering support but that has dwindled now due to my girlfriend not wanting to accept their help. Her friends seem reluctant to rearrange their working weeks to come and sit with her and I’m scratching around trying to get people to commit to a routine each week that they stick to. I’m also so angry at my SIL for not doing more. She’s part time and spends the rest of her week at home with her child. She literally has nothing but time on her hands yet still is only offering sporadic support. I’m so angry that I can’t even look at her or speak to her. She’s currently on maternity leave waiting for the baby to arrive and still not offering to help out on a regular basis. I’m so angry that I don’t think our relationship will ever be the same again.

Anyway, am I being unfair to my SIL to expect her to look after my girlfriend on the days that she isn't working. I don’t think it’s a big ask because it’s not like she’s working but someone I mentioned this situation to thinks I’m being very unfair. I don’t think I am. What can I say to her to make her realise how selfish she's being. I don’t want to ask people in real life so thought I’d try here.

Next time they make a comment about families helping families I’d pointedly ask ‘and how many days a week are you helping out?’ Or ‘I’m glad you think that as I’m really struggling with this pregnancy, so let me know your availability for helping out with ds’

Thank god it’s a reverse as the only response I could originally gunk of was

FUCK OFF

Although frankly I think you should just block him and ignore the lot of the selfish wankers. Yes poor girlfriend but seriously she has her own family to help out she just doesn’t want them too so frankly she’s being selfish too!!

gunk = think

What a selfish bunch of arseholes. Have they always been like this? Do your Pils ever babysit? I bet they don’t. If they’re so bloody worried about this girlfriend they can make her accept her parents help and offer some themselves. Cheeky fuckers.

This is one of the weirdest things I’ve ever read on mumsnet. If this is true, I’d suggest you get some counselling to help you deal professionally with this family. They do know you’ve got a baby on the way right? They are all a bunch of weirdos. Absolute weirdos. I’ve never heard anything quite like it. Please do feel free to print my reply off and show them. Your BIL is an absolute head case. He needs professional help. His GF is none of your business. You have no obligation towards her. His attitude is unbelievable. If anybody spoke to me like that, my DH would punch them in the mouth. He needs to go disappear. You deserve better. Who do these people think they are?!!!

Well your BIL needs to give up work and be a full time carer then.

Cawfee, I think the whole family need counselling if I'm honest. They are incredibly dysfunctional and some of them are verging on toxic. The siblings (my dh, BIL x2 and SIL) were not treated that well as children and, in my opinion, abused (mentally and physically) by their parents. There is also a huge amount of pressure placed on them all by their parents and each other. There is a lot of resentment brewing under the surface. I know that the youngest BIL (not the dickhead BIL) had counselling years ago because of the way he has been treated by his parents over the years (mainly during childhood and teen years) and he limits the time he spends with them all. I wish my dh would do the same.

Good Lord, what a pair of idiots.

Your BIL wants a heavily pregnant woman who can barely walk herself and is in constant pain when she does, to attempt to care for a woman with severe balance issues who needs assistance to get to the loo among other things.

Are you sure he didn't suffer from a head injury as well?

Aside from telling them both to fuck right off, can you search and print off a list of available care agencies so he can hire someone? Next time you get the moaning hand them the printout.
Or get a doctor's letter ( not that you should have to for god's sake) stating you are unable to lift anything over 5kg for the remainder of your pregnancy)

And for the girlfriend "my mother is annoying" is not an acceptable reason for allowing an essential stranger to be abused by their entire family for not wanting to care for her.

Your girlfriend is being very selfish by not accepting parental help and expecting you to sort her care.

You are being selfish by expecting a heavily pregnant woman with a toddler to commit to regular sessions. In a couple of years time if you have your own kids, you will realise what a ridiculously stupid request you’ve made. Your SIL is very busy running a home and doing child care.

Reverse! I was far too eager to post.

She’s part time and spends the rest of her week at home with her child. She literally has nothing but time on her hands yet still is only offering sporadic support

She’s part time TO SPEND TIME WITH HER SON. Not to take care of some woman she barely knows. To bring up your nephew.

Your brother and his family have clearly discussed finances and decided they can survive on her part time so she can spend time with her son. Not so she can take care of your GF. She is YOUR problem, not your Sils.

You are incredibly selfish and rude to be angry at a pregnant mother of a toddler for not giving unpaid care to your girlfriend.

OP, your challenge is to take your attention off these crazies as much as you possibly can and focus on yourself and what makes you happy. Try to detach from their drama. If it starts playing out in front of you again (which it probably will), just watch it, like you would a play. It's nothing more to do with you than that.

OP I dont think your DH is taking your side in front of his family there's just no way. He should of shut his BIL down when he first approached your DH as your keeper.

Please tell me your have a strong support network of friends and your family around you?

You dh should be pre emptying this situation so that you don’t have to suffer anything more from them. Better still going low contact or even nc.

He should be taking his entire family aside and telling them that Nohelp will not be caring for bilgf now or in the future. She will not be putting her health, her pregnancy and her children at risk by caring for a disabled stranger in need of specialist care. Then continue that if the family wish to continue contact with him and see your children they will stop with the nastiness immediately.

Better still to send a group email or text so they have it in writing.

OP
I think you’ve identified in your past post that your DH is having issues supporting you due to an unhealthy family dynamic - i would keep close to him in this topic as you’ll struggle to fix the family crazy.
Perhaps float the idea of counselling again?

I haven’t quite finished the thread OP, but I wanted to pipe in too.

Your BIL is beyond cheeky. Your dh needs to grow a set and tell his brother (and the rest of your "family help family" wasters) to fuck right off. It’s your BIL problem and his gf family. It ain’t your problem, don’t make it so.

I’d be tempted to cut them off. Life is too short to put up with this bs drama. Have your child, enjoy your immediate family. Ignore anything that gets in the way of that.

Your BIL is choosing to not use the most obvious resource...the gf family. That’s his problem not yours.

So your husband as an adult finds them hard to deal with.

He needs to walk away or spend as little time as possible with them.

For goodness sake protect your kid(s) from them!

Thanks again for the support. I'm feeling a bit happier about the whole thing today. I have a very strong family network on my side and lots of close friends who will give me major pep talks when I tell them what's been going on. I've kind of kept it to myself so far, I'm not sure why.

After I had my ds his family took the absolute piss when it came to demanding certain things relating to the baby and I went low contact then which made it much easier to cope with them. However, over time they've crept back into our lives more and more and now we're back to square one with them being unreasonable, and dh putting their feelings above mine again and worrying more about upsetting them than how I'm feeling. I'm so cross with him about this as he knows his brother is being unreasonable and has even said that he doesn't want me looking after the girlfriend because he's worried about the stress on me and the risk to the baby and our ds. Yet he won't tell his brother this or back me up in front of them and is trying to smooth things over to avoid a family argument.

Anyway, I'm going low contact again with a view to cutting them out altogether if this continues. I can't do this anymore. I've had years and years of this kind of BS and I feel utterly worn down by it.

You are ridiculously selfish your sil should not have to commit to this whether she's pregnant and on mat leave or not!

OP you absolutely should not be doing anything its not your choice.

But the one thing that I have noticed is that you see the girlfriend as lovely. Yet when you tell the intial thing that struck me was how much it sounds like she wanted this and not your BIL - he sounds massively out of his depth dealing with a situation he never wanted. She needs to go to her parents - I am not certain its a pleasant situation for him

This has to be fake....

Quartz, I guess because I'm not sure whether it's the head injury or her personality that's at fault here with regards to her forcing the BIL to let her move in, or not wanting her parents to care for her. I think she was very head strong before the accident but the accident has also affected her personality in that she suffers from paranoia, poor memory and she gets angry and impatient very quickly. Because I didn't know her before the accident I'm not sure what's her and what's accident and I don't want to pick an argument with someone who is very confused a lot of the time.

I really do feel for my BIL because I know it's tough for him. But only he has the power to sort this out and it's not fair that his version of sorting it out it to make me the bad guy because he doesn't want to be the bad guy in her eyes. I think they're both in the wrong but he's the one who's being an arsehole about it so that's why I'm more angry and upset at him.

Beenthere, yes I appreciate it's a ridiculous situation. Weirdly though, I didn't realise how ridiculous it was until I posted on here though. So I'm glad i did post as I've had a lot of great advice.

Just reading this made me really mad. I’m so glad it’s a reverse.

Your BIL is a grade A twat. You are a part-time SAHM, that means you look after and educate your child, not do odd jobs for odd sods.

If she was a regular horse rider she should have had insurance. Was there a payout? They sound like such CF, I wouldn’t put it past them to pocket the money and rely on free care from friends and family.

'Family help family'
Smile sweetly and remind them that she's got her own family who will be willing and physically able to help her.
You are neither.
Honestly the neck of some people.
Your resolve will be even more strengthened once DC2 turns up, you may well bite BIL if he suggests anything