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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband can’t just cuddle

138 replies

WantACuddle · 11/08/2018 13:33

Have nc for this. I’m having issues with DH and his seeming inability to cuddle in bed. Whenever we have a cuddle, without fail he will try it on even if I’ve already said I’m exhausted and just want to go to sleep.

Also, if he cuddles up to me in the morning when I’m asleep/ dozing, he will start feeling my boobs and touching me intimately, even though we have had conversations where I’ve explained that I don’t like it.

If I tell him to stop he apologises but I just want him to stop doing it in the first place!

We usually dtd about once a week and will usually agree in advance (ie lets get an early night tonight) as otherwise I feel like I would always be too tired/ not in the mood.

I think he feels like he doesn’t get enough affection but the truth is I rarely cuddle him as I know it won’t just be a cuddle and I don’t want more. If it was just cuddling I would be happy. He has a high sex drive and mine is lower and admittedly it is more of an issue now we have two young kids (early primary age though not babies / toddlers).

I’m really not sure how to resolve this as the more I think he’s trying to initiate things when he knows I don’t want it, the less I want it and resent him for it. We’ve been together for 10 years, married for 6. Any advice?

OP posts:
Storm4star · 11/08/2018 13:56

I can see why you want it planned, but can see how a lack of spontaneity could be frustrating for him. This is a very difficult issue. Honestly, I think mismatched sex drives doom a lot of relationships. I’ve been on the other side of this and honestly? It’s torture. Your with this person that you love and desire but their body is “off limits” apart from a scheduled slot! It was the main reason why me and my ex broke up. I’m not some kind of sex fiend. Now i’m Single I haven’t had sex for ages. But it doesn’t bother me now he’s not in front of me all the time rejecting me. It hurt a lot at the time. Having said that, the fact you don’t want sex is not your fault and you absolutely shouldn’t if you don’t want to. But you and he will need to find a way forward together if the marriage is going to survive. Sorry I know that isn’t hugely helpful!

sparklymarion · 11/08/2018 14:10

I'd be very put off by having to discuss having sex with you I am sorry but the poor man is probably just jumping at any chance he get..

Once a week is also poor !

LadyLoveYourWhat · 11/08/2018 14:15

Once a week is not poor, there is no proscribed frequency for having sex, for some people that's loads, for others it's nothing. I think you need to say what you've said here to your husband, listen to how he feels too and go on from there.

AdelaideK · 11/08/2018 14:15

Once a week is poor is it Marion? Why?

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/08/2018 14:15

My friend explained this issue is her relationship. She wanted hugs, she didn’t want much sex. He wanted sex, not all the time but sometimes, but was willing to settle for hugs and other non sexual intimacy. They got to a place where she decided every time he tried to hug her he was trying his luck so put a stop to that as well. They started to loathe each other and have now split up.

You have a right to go to sleep and wake up without feeling like you’re being groped. You’ve told him it makes you feel uncomfortable and he needs to listen. But I agree that the scheduled weekly shag doesn’t sound like much fun either.

No real advice I’m afraid but you need to have a proper talk about this stuff or it’ll ruin your marriage.

NotTheFordType · 11/08/2018 14:19

I think you need to be very very honest and direct with him.

"DH you know when we're in bed and I cuddle up to you and you respond by grabbing my breasts/vulva? It makes me feel as if I'm about to be sexually assaulted. It means that I view you as a threat rather than a sexually appealing person. It also means I spend the night having broken sleep because I'm on high alert. "

If his response to this is anything other than" OMG I'm so sorry" then you know you have to bin him off.

ponyprincess · 11/08/2018 14:21

I understand how you might feel. The only time my ex ever showed affection/intimacy he wanted sex. Never just a cuddle. He would cringe if I kissed him goodbye in the morning

This is one of the reasons he is an ex

Anon90 · 11/08/2018 14:22

I would be utterly miserable with planned sex once a week.

Furx · 11/08/2018 14:23

I had issues with this, especially when you have young kids.

You just feel touched out, kids pawing at you , wanting things. And then the other adult in the house starts pawing at wanting things..

I wanted to scream at times.

I want to give you an easy solution, but for us it was just passage of time, the kids got older and I got my mojo back.

53rdWay · 11/08/2018 14:24

Once a week is also poor !

Is it bollocks. Sex isn’t a routine duty she owes the ‘poor man’.

OP have you tried discussing it with him at a time when you’re not in bed/cuddling at all? Lay out really clearly how it makes you feel, and agree in future that if you say “let’s just cuddle” or whatever then that’s what’s on the table. And let him talk about how he feels as well, and how you can both stay out of this vicious cycle.

Storm4star · 11/08/2018 14:26

It makes me feel as if I'm about to be sexually assaulted

If someone said that to me i’d Be the one leaving them!

SoapOnARoap · 11/08/2018 14:30

Pre-prescribed, once a week sex sounds so clinical.

What he is doing is in excusable as well. You may have to put it down to mismatched sex drives & make a big decision somewhere down the line.

Nononannette · 11/08/2018 14:31

His behaviour will push you into having less and less sex, not more. Has he thought of it that way? It could be if you could ever relax into an actual cuddle you might decide you want to take it further on that occasion - but as things are you don’t want to take the chance of a cuddle. If he is continuing to touch you intimately when you’ve said previously you don’t want this, that is assault. I assume he’d be horrified at that idea but consent is a real thing and he doesn’t have yours.

Nononannette · 11/08/2018 14:33

You have small dcs. If the higher sexed partner can’t see the toll that takes on their primary carer and thinks that’s a reason to divorce, rather than keeping communication going and supporting each other, then you’re better off without them.

Rednaxela · 11/08/2018 14:36

Scheduled weekly sex is an excellent compromise.

Pretty disgusting to say it's not. That sex has to be spontaneous and more frequent. Makes my skin crawl just thinking about poor OP getting molested at the start and end of every day. Yuck yuck yuck.

OP you are very generous to schedule weekly sex with your DH. He is not entitled to any sex at all. Sex is not a human right it is a privilege.

Can he not just have a fucking wank for christs sake.

When small children are on the scene, the reality is that no one in their right minds has sex as a priority!!

Winniesalot · 11/08/2018 14:40

Ford - bin him off?!? Have you ever been in a relationship?!?

Swings and roundabouts....

NotTheFordType · 11/08/2018 14:48

Yes Winnie, I've been in several LTSs and one marriage.

I used to think that being groped against my will was the "price" of being in a relationship (thanks Mum!) but thankfully my more recent LTRs have been with guys who are a lot less rapey.

Storm4star · 11/08/2018 14:51

OP, I’m not asking this for you to answer in the thread as it’s personal, but for you to have a think about yourself. When you do have sex, are you into it or wishing it was over? I say this because there’s a big difference between having great sex once a week and grudging sex once a week. If you don’t even really want it once a week then I think this could be more of an issue. Whereas if it is good then, there’s more of a chance of you both coming to a happy medium as the kids get older.

Storm4star · 11/08/2018 14:52

Sorry but I just don’t think OP accusing her husband of being “rapey” is going to do great things for their relationship!

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/08/2018 15:00

Blimey Rednaxela, that’s a bit aggressive. No one has a right to sex and no one in a marriage has a right to take it off the table wit no discussion.

If scheduled sex works for OP and her DH then great. Posters suggesting it wouldn’t work for them is in no way “disgusting”. How dramatic.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/08/2018 15:00

Indeed Storm4star...

timeisnotaline · 11/08/2018 15:05

Any survey shows sex once a week is completely normal for couples with young children. You have to tell him that it makes you not want to have sex - you can’t have the cuddle you want without having to push him off, but he still thinks he can have the sex he wants? And he’s shooting himself in the foot as the more nice cuddles many women get the more into sex they are the other times.

Seniorschoolmum · 11/08/2018 15:14

Op doesn’t say how old she is, so once a week may be more or less than “normal”.

To be honest, anyone stressed, short of sleep and listening out for the kids is unlikely to want sex. And the male assumption that you can flick a switch and be ready to go is too common to be funny. Some men are completely dense.
Op, for your once a week, can you get a babysitter and have a night off, not just a scheduled bonk.
If you have time to relax, not have to cook or do bed time story, you might feel a bit more enthusiastic. Get your dh to take you out to eat, even just go for a walk, anything just to reconnect with each other.
And when was the last time you have a weekend on your own, where you can sleep for two days & recharge your batteries? Maybe dh would be less rampant if he looked after dcs for two days solid Smile

Chippyway · 11/08/2018 15:41

I’d be frustrated with once a week sex. I’d be pissed off and turned off with once a week planned sex Confused

I’m not saying what he does is right. He shouldn’t be doing it if you’ve told him not to. However I can understand his frustrations

It’s a viscious cycle. He touches you when you cuddle because for him it’s intimacy and he’s frustrated but you no longer want to cuddle him because he touches you.

Perhaps BOTH of you need to make more effort.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 11/08/2018 15:56

There are some seriously bizarre responses on here.

FFS this woman has told her husband repeatedly that she does not like him touching her intimately when she's sleeping/half-asleep, yet several posters think pointing out to him that this is sexual abuse is a bit much... No, it really isn't.

Also agreeing to have an early night to have sex is not the same as a scheduled weekly shag. Sounds perfectly reasonable compromise.

How do you two show each other affection outside the bedroom? It sounds like the only time you make physical contact is when you're in bed. Can you have a hug at other times (when sex is impossible, but you're snatching a moment)? Would it help on the early night days to get some gentle foreplay beforehand to get you both in the mood (a look, a word, a touch - nothing major)?

Is he pulling his weight around the home, or are you more exhausted because it falls on you?