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Original poster

Husband can’t just cuddle

138 replies

WantACuddle · 11/08/2018 13:33

Have nc for this. I’m having issues with DH and his seeming inability to cuddle in bed. Whenever we have a cuddle, without fail he will try it on even if I’ve already said I’m exhausted and just want to go to sleep.

Also, if he cuddles up to me in the morning when I’m asleep/ dozing, he will start feeling my boobs and touching me intimately, even though we have had conversations where I’ve explained that I don’t like it.

If I tell him to stop he apologises but I just want him to stop doing it in the first place!

We usually dtd about once a week and will usually agree in advance (ie lets get an early night tonight) as otherwise I feel like I would always be too tired/ not in the mood.

I think he feels like he doesn’t get enough affection but the truth is I rarely cuddle him as I know it won’t just be a cuddle and I don’t want more. If it was just cuddling I would be happy. He has a high sex drive and mine is lower and admittedly it is more of an issue now we have two young kids (early primary age though not babies / toddlers).

I’m really not sure how to resolve this as the more I think he’s trying to initiate things when he knows I don’t want it, the less I want it and resent him for it. We’ve been together for 10 years, married for 6. Any advice?

OP posts:
TammySwansonTwo · 12/08/2018 11:22

Bollocks. Women are perfectly entitled to only want sex when they want it. It has nothing to do with not finding him attractive any more. I guess some people have never experienced the low libido caused by hormonal changes, fatigue etc.

Once a week is bloody amazing when you have small kids, and he needs to respect your boundaries.

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 12/08/2018 11:37

Once you’ve hit that stage when somebody trying it on is making your skin crawl, I think it’s game over. There’s no coming back from it IMO.

Nononannette · 12/08/2018 11:58

For “trying it on” read “continuing to touch me intimately when I have said I don’t give consent”. Yeah that would make anyone’s flesh crawl wouldn’t it, being assaulted.

Storm4star · 12/08/2018 12:47

Spontaneity does involve sexual touching. If its not wanted then it should not happen but then lets not pretend that ending spontaneity is not also ending something quite important to one of the two people in a marriage

I agree with this 100%

paintedwingsandgiantrings · 12/08/2018 12:49

OP stops being groped and OPs husband gets to find a more compatible sexual partner.

WTF?

How about OP stops being groped and gets to find a more compatible sexual partner. OP's husband gets to fuck with his rapey, gropey ways

Jesus people. This man is continuously violating his partner's boundaries.

Don't you think she might deserve some decent sex with someone who knows how to make her feel special. Rather than someone who paws at her till she gives in.

Why are people only considering the husband should get his sexual "needs" fulfilled?

Talk about sexist crap.

The OP is obviously not getting her sexual needs fulfilled either. She needs a grown up partner who understands sensuality. Not this gropey man child.

Storm2018 · 12/08/2018 13:20

The op clearly said he is groping her when she is asleep. That's not normal.

Stillme1 · 12/08/2018 14:21

Surely if a woman has the right to say NO a man has the right to find out in some way if the answer is YES or NO. It must be demoralising for him to get a constant NO with the occasional logged as acceptable diary slot once a week.
As much as it seems to me this man is constantly hoping that his attentions will turn into a YES. He is going about it in the wrong way but I think his attempts while OP is asleep or half asleep is him trying to find out if she might subconsciously want more intimacy.
We are much older than OP and have not been together for as long as OP and her partner but neither of us would find once a week satisfactory.

I get ill at times and DP is a shift worker so adjustments have to be made to deal with both our situations. We don't have a scheduled time for intimacy, most times it is spontaneous other times we have decided that (all being well) a certain time is set aside and the doors locked. It seems like the OP is too overcome by the idea that she does not want touched to think that possibly spontaneous sex might be fun.

If you are in a relationship I would think that you would want to be close to that person. I wonder if OP reluctance is more an indicator of her lack of interest in her partner.

Nononannette · 12/08/2018 15:02

I imagine a therapist would tell them to take sex off the table for a period of time and reintroduce intimacy. Perhaps leading to the OP being the one to initiate sex so she feels less put upon.

I am aghast a pp who thinks the way to find out if someone might be up for sex is to grope them when half asleep. How about using your voice. Massive undercurrent of “no means maybe” here.

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 12/08/2018 15:06

The OP is no longer into him. No amount of therapy is gonna change that.

Nononannette · 12/08/2018 15:13

You’re a man aren’t you?
Op has said Everything else in our relationship is good and we have a great life together it would be easy for her to say she found him unattractive or doesn’t fancy him if that were what she felt!
I don’t know if this is the case here, but there are a lot of men who do
bugger all in the evening while their partner picks up all the jobs, and then are annoyed when she is too tired for sex. There’s an easy answer to that if they chose to take it.

Storm2018 · 12/08/2018 15:13

He is going about it in the wrong way but I think his attempts while OP is asleep or half asleep is him trying to find out if she might subconsciously want more intimacy

There seems to be no end to the excuses being made for this man sexually assaulting his sleeping wife.

Stillme1 · 12/08/2018 15:24

Storm as you quoted me exactly I did say that this man is going about things in the wrong way. I am not excusing him at all. He needs to find another way of attempting to initiate intimacy. I think OP is set on refusing advances. It seems things are so far apart that I wonder if this is the end of the road for them.

paintedwingsandgiantrings · 12/08/2018 15:33

He is going about it in the wrong way but I think his attempts while OP is asleep or half asleep is him trying to find out if she might subconsciously want more intimacy.

Subconsciously, as in while she's unconscious because she's fucking asleep?

How would you like it if someone you'd asked not to kept groping you in your sleep? Jesus wept.

Time for consent 101.
@Stillme1, the bit at 1min 20 is especially for you:

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 12/08/2018 15:36

The point is nono that when you have seen that clingy, randy dog type behaviour in a partner it is hard to unsee. It is deeply unattractive, and often a deal breaker. I’d also put big money this guy has let himself go too.

Storm4star · 12/08/2018 16:09

@Stillme1

Sorry, I just really agreed with that point in general as opposed to specifically relating to OP. She’s told him not to, so by continuing to do so he is the wrong. Most definitely. But your point was valid to any relationship I think. There’s a lot of talk about “yuck, groping”.

In a loving relationship I quite like being woken by initimate touching! It might not be for everyone but some people seem to think it’s disgusting full stop and he is somehow acting in an “abnormal” way. It’s not abnormal in many relationships.

What is wrong in this case is she has asked him to stop and he hasn’t. No excuses for that. But I don’t think he’s wrong if he feels upset he’s not allowed to touch his wife. There needs to be some serious communication here.

Stillme1 · 12/08/2018 16:15

I don't know how many times or how many ways I have to say that I think this man is going about things in the wrong way. I do understand what NO means and I tell my male DP that he also has the right to say NO.

The difference may be that my DP and I want to be together and providing all other matters are fine (his shifts and my health) we will be intimate if we both want.
I am not so sure that the OP is so keen on her partner.

Stillme1 · 12/08/2018 16:24

Storm cross posted there.
I know that this man should not be doing what he is told not to. It cant be nice for either of them. He may have taken her NO as a NO today and not as an all time NO. Still not an excuse but more a case of lack of effective communication. I can see both sides not that I have ever been on either side. I think this may well be a doomed relationship if they cant come to a compromise. Very sad for them and also the DC

Branleuse · 12/08/2018 16:29

Hes making it worse for himself because if he gave you non sexual intimacy and care, youd likely feel closer to him and that can improve sex.

Tryingagain1 · 12/08/2018 16:48

It sounds like you're not compatible sexually. Would an open relationship work?

Notmany · 12/08/2018 20:16

OP The scheduled weekly is working for you but it obviously isn't working for him so it isn't a sustainable compromise. You need to have a proper discussion to see if it is possible to find a mutually satisfying sex life not just label him as some sort of perv for wanting to have sex with his wife.

paintedwingsandgiantrings · 12/08/2018 20:24

label him as some sort of perv for wanting to have sex with his wife

Jesus this is getting boring.

NO ONE is labelling him a perv for wanting to have sex with his wife.

We are pointing out that it's abusive to continue to touch someone sexually WHEN THEY HAVE TOLD YOU NOT TO!

Do so many people really have such an issue with consent?

Notmany this is for you, also. www.youtu.be/oQbei5JGiT8

Scott72 · 12/08/2018 20:41

OP The scheduled weekly is working for you

But do they actually have a scheduled weekly? She wrote:

"We usually dtd about once a week and will usually agree in advance (ie lets get an early night tonight) as otherwise I feel like I would always be too tired/ not in the mood."

Is this all she says "lets get an early night tonight"? Is he even aware this is a prelude to sex? And how often do they actually have sex? Can OP be sure it is once a week? The low libido partner in a relationship can tend to overestimate the frequency of sex or even sexual initiation. The lines of communication seem hopelessly muddled here. I think they need the services of a counselor here, if they can afford it.

(but I do agree him touching her intimately while she's asleep or dozing is unacceptable. If he persists even after she's forcefully told him to stop, this isn't a good sign)

ploppymoodypants · 12/08/2018 20:52

My DH used to be a bit like this. But after a while and a few conversations I realised that it is how he shows he loves me. He thinks sexual desire of me = love for me. So he thought that by showing me he fancies me, I would feel loved. He did it even more when I was feeling unattractive and frumpy after having DC and when pregnant. It was his way of reassuring me. Meanwhile I was exhausted and thinking WTF!
Anyway now we understand each other it’s fine. I can say not tonight darling and he doesn’t get upset. Or I can initiate a cuddle and he will wait for me to initiate sex or gently test the water. It was a simple communication issue. It was just his clumsy way of saying ‘I love you and still think you are hot’. Apparently he has a number of male friends who no longer find their wives attractive and so he is pleased he still does and so thinks he is complimenting me. Plus he also would be delighted if I was constantly pawing at him for sexual contact, so again he thought he was doing something nice for me, because it was what he would like. Obviously now we can communicate more effectively.

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 12/08/2018 21:22

All due respect ploppy but your dh sounds monumentally thick.

ploppymoodypants · 12/08/2018 21:28

He can be. He gets it now. Hasn’t had the most forward thinking or enlightened upbringing. He is open to new thinking though and has generally good intentions.