Husband can’t just cuddle

[WantACuddle]

Have nc for this. I’m having issues with DH and his seeming inability to cuddle in bed. Whenever we have a cuddle, without fail he will try it on even if I’ve already said I’m exhausted and just want to go to sleep.

Also, if he cuddles up to me in the morning when I’m asleep/ dozing, he will start feeling my boobs and touching me intimately, even though we have had conversations where I’ve explained that I don’t like it.

If I tell him to stop he apologises but I just want him to stop doing it in the first place!

We usually dtd about once a week and will usually agree in advance (ie lets get an early night tonight) as otherwise I feel like I would always be too tired/ not in the mood.

I think he feels like he doesn’t get enough affection but the truth is I rarely cuddle him as I know it won’t just be a cuddle and I don’t want more. If it was just cuddling I would be happy. He has a high sex drive and mine is lower and admittedly it is more of an issue now we have two young kids (early primary age though not babies / toddlers).

I’m really not sure how to resolve this as the more I think he’s trying to initiate things when he knows I don’t want it, the less I want it and resent him for it. We’ve been together for 10 years, married for 6. Any advice?

What is he likely to say about where he's going with sexpestering?

They can discuss the difference in libidos, but she's asked him repeatedly not to grope her and he ignores it.

The more he initiates when he known she doesn't want it, the more resentful she gets, the less she wants sex.

He needs to fundamentally change his attitude. Then OP will be more likely to want to have sex with him.

As they say "the grass is always greener"... i am a woman in a similar situation just with the roles reversed. What I would give to have my husband show that he is still physically attracted to me and wanting to have spontaneous sex!!
To everyone saying he is a "sex pest" have you even properly read the post??? She says no he says sorry and stops, how is this a sex pest?? ... yes she has spoken about it out side the bedroom & explained she doesnt always want more than just a cuddle, however she also says aside from the 'mandatory' once a week they do also have spontaneous sex from time to time. I can only assume this comes as a result of him "groping"!... I believe this guy cant do right for doing wrong! He is in love with his wife and desires her, he attempts to show this and is acused of being a sex pest, despite the fact that he stops as soon as the OP says no!!... How is this wrong??? Is he not to touch her in an intimate manner unless he is verbaly invited to do so? Is that normal in a relationship where both parties are in love with one another??
I seriously question what the world is coming to!! I hope to god this poor guy never sees some of the extreme responses on here!!

@LadyInParis - yes, it was worse than I have said, I actually think what he did was rape. And then there was the constant wheedling to 'just try' things I know I don't like (from peanut butter to anal sex) - it all came down to a total lack of respect.

I was abused as a child, he knew that, but he still found it appropriate to try to pull my jeans down while I was washing up, grab my boob while I was watching TV, etc.

A total sex pest who really could not take no for an answer and thought he knew better than everyone.

I had this in my marriage and its a HUGE factor in what killed it.

When your H is constantly touching/groping you despite you making it clear you don't like it.
When your H is undressing you in your sleep to stick his dick between your arse cheeks.
When every time he cuddles you he has to stick his hands down your bra or trousers.
When he walks past you and thinks its sexy to unzip his trousers and get his cock out.
When despite repeated conversations about the fact you DO NOT LIKE IT.
When every time he tried it on and you turned him down it turned into a game of how long you can fucking avoid him before you just let him have sex with you to make him leave you alone for a few days.
When your refusal means he starts getting nasty, insulting you and abusing you.

Then you have an abusive husband.

You cant find your own mojo and your own libido when you're actively avoiding being in the same room on your own with your H because you know he's going to sexually harass you, it just makes you not want to be touched, not want to be near him and it kills the marriage.

It is NOT OK in any way shape or form to touch, grope or otherwise sexual assault your spouse when they have told you repeatedly NOT to do it.

Any man who doesn't respect his wifes boundaries and treats her like a piece of meat and some kind of sex doll is NOT a loving husband.

@Lo82
To everyone saying he is a "sex pest" have you even properly read the post??? She says no he says sorry and stops, how is this a sex pest?? ... yes she has spoken about it out side the bedroom & explained she doesnt always want more than just a cuddle, however she also says aside from the 'mandatory' once a week they do also have spontaneous sex from time to time. I can only assume this comes as a result of him "groping"
Yes I read her posts. Where she describes him 'groping' (I notice your most likely Freudian slip of the use of 'groping' instead of 'touching' which seems odd in the context of your post btw) her while she is asleep and where she tells him she doesn't like this at all when she is asleep. I.e don't ever do it! And by the way you don't know her history. So while you're taking the piss about what the world is coming to when a poor man might have to sometimes wait for the woman to iniate; I'll give you an example. In my relationship generally speaking my fiance does indeed wait until I try it on. I did not ask for this. He simply knows my past and thus chose to let me initiate because of what has been done to me before. Because he loves and respects me and only wants sex when i am 100 percent into it too. I'm not saying this is the case here but how do you know it isn't? How dare you take umbrage and get all uppity shaking your head at what the world is coming to when men hear of their loved partners past rapes and have the respect and love and patience (I could go on) to wait for the hurt partner to initiate? The urge to use expletives here is very strong. But I'll stick to; idiot.

Which brings me to VanGogh (not an idiot haha!) @LadyInParis - yes, it was worse than I have said, I actually think what he did was rape. And then there was the constant wheedling to 'just try' things I know I don't like (from peanut butter to anal sex) - it all came down to a total lack of respect. I'm sorry you went through the same. Totally nodding my head all the way through your post thinking yep, yep, yep. Fucking rapey disrespectful evil bastard. Mine would do the rapey thing (I still can't say it properly 6 years later) then play games. I won't go into the gruesome details on here but it always had me wondering what he had done to me that night when he played that particular game. Never mind the flat out rapey shit he did when awake. I can't say it but it's clear. So I understand you. Feel free to pm and chat. I don't mind chatting there but the details are too vile for me to be able to put here. Plus this isn't my thread. Best wishes to you that you're happy now xx

@Squidgee
Thank you for this *When your H is constantly touching/groping you despite you making it clear you don't like it.
When your H is undressing you in your sleep to stick his dick between your arse cheeks.
When every time he cuddles you he has to stick his hands down your bra or trousers.
When he walks past you and thinks its sexy to unzip his trousers and get his cock out.
When despite repeated conversations about the fact you DO NOT LIKE IT.
When every time he tried it on and you turned him down it turned into a game of how long you can fucking avoid him before you just let him have sex with you to make him leave you alone for a few days.
When your refusal means he starts getting nasty, insulting you and abusing you.

Then you have an abusive husband.

You cant find your own mojo and your own libido when you're actively avoiding being in the same room on your own with your H because you know he's going to sexually harass you, it just makes you not want to be touched, not want to be near him and it kills the marriage.

It is NOT OK in any way shape or form to touch, grope or otherwise sexual assault your spouse when they have told you repeatedly NOT to do it.

Any man who doesn't respect his wifes boundaries and treats her like a piece of meat and some kind of sex doll is NOT a loving husband. FUCKING EXACTLY YOU FUCKING BUNCH OF SEXUAL ASSAULT "POOR MAN NEEDS TO ASSAULT BECAUSE HE NEEDS* SEX" APOLOGISTS. Ffs

Apologies for the outburst. This FUCKING EXACTLY YOU FUCKING BUNCH OF SEXUAL ASSAULT "POOR MAN NEEDS TO ASSAULT BECAUSE HE NEEDS SEX" APOLOGISTS. Ffs Is of course only in relation to the idiots to whom the cap fits. I'm sick of reading it. But very glad to see the majority have sense and see this for what it is. Sexual assault

She deserves better. We all do. No wonder she doesn't want sex. I wouldn't either

The thing is everyone (including me) is putting their own spin on OP's situation. Those who have been victims in the past, and I am sorry for what you have gone through, are viewing it in the worst possible light and adding details in their mind that OP hasn't said. Others who have been on the other side of this scenario, know what her husband is likely to be feeling so, whilst I don't feel anyone condones his behaviour, yes we do understand what sexual rejection feels like and the impact that can have. And I still maintain that her telling him he's some kind of sex offender will be the death of their marriage. And, from what OP has said, I don't think she wants the marriage to be over.

People cannot change their sex drive. Those of you who seem to be able to take it or leave it can't seem to understand just how soul destroying constant rejection is. How frustrated you can be left feeling when all you want to do is make love to your partner and you can't. It's like being starving and having your favourite meal placed in front of you but you're not allowed to eat it! it isn't just "oh well we can't have sex today" and carry on with your life. I ended up never having a lie in on a weekend as I couldn't bear in the end to be in the same bed as a man I wasn't allowed to touch sexually at all. It was horrible never being allowed to be spontaneous. It killed our relationship in the end. And, as I said previously, I'm not a "sex fiend" but in a relationship I do like a lot of sex. I can't change that. In my relationships a partner can touch me intimately any time they choose, if I am not up for it then I'll soon say so but I wouldn't want to be the one to have to initiate all the time and I like to feel desired by my partner. Most people do like to feel desired.

If OP wants to leave her partner it's 100% her choice but it doesn't sound like she wants to. He can stop touching her and that will make her feel better but, as I previously said, it doesn't fix the fundamental problem. And without addressing that, their marriage is on rocky ground.

LadyInParis, yes I agree I do not know her or her HUSBANDs past, i used the word "grope" and highlighted simply to uses others terminology!
I am very sorry that you have clearly been in a distressing relationship, i myself have been in a similar situation all be it only once! As personally being with someone I could describe is 'rapey' is not something i would entertain. And b4 you take this the wrong way, i know everyone is different and have different sttuggles especially in difficult relationships and we all deal with it and move on from it in our own ways.
However to claim i am an "idiot" for showing support and sympathy towards a man who from the OPs post comes accross (in my opinion!) as being in love with and attracted to his wife, is a rather radical & rude statement to make.
I feel you may still be struggling to work through your own issues and understandibly this has tainted your view on things.
If I am an idiot to voice my opinon ( lets be honest here none of us know the full history and facts and everyone is sharing their opinions!) and attempt to see both sides views then so be it, Im an idiot!
In relation to my comment about what the world is comming to, I feel that there is too much 'jumping on the band wagon' going on! As a society we have got to a point where nasty women are using the experiences of real women who have been through horrific things to punnish men who have rejected or upset them in some way. Not only is this so wrong and unfair on the men who have done nothing wrong but will have their whole lives tainted but such an accusation, but it is also a slap in the face to the real women who go through such atrocities!
I personally dont feel extremist views put forward in an agressive maner will be of any benefit to the OP.

@lo82 I'm really not even going to entertain you anymore. You are vile.

@storm4star I do agree in a sense, in that myself and others putting their own trauma onto the situation doesn't help necessarily; though that is difficult to not do because people draw from their own experience when giving advice. However even if we take away my personal trauma and everyone else's, the fact still is that he does sexually assault her since she has said herself in her post that she told him she does not like to be groped when asleep or just waking. If a man or woman says not to perform a sexual act because I don't want or like it, and the partner continues to do so, this is sexual assault no? If it is so difficult for him, and it clearly is for her, I think at least a trial (if not permanent) separation really needs to be discussed as there really is no compromise with mismatched sex drives. It's a difficult one really isn't it? Do you still want him and love him OP?

I would tell him that when he gets obviously interested in sex, just because you wanted to have a loving cuddle, it is not always right for you, you are planning the next day's shopping list in your head or desperate to get some peace from family/ work etc. So you love him and want to have nice cuddles not leading to sex.
I would tell him a few white lies such as planning to have sex on a certain night/time you find a great turn on, as you imagine how great it will be or whatever. I will no doubt get slated for this and marriage is built on truth but ime many men are hopeless at having sensible discussions about sex and libido, it's all smirk and nudge and if you orgasm then how can you refuse every offer?
DH is happy to have prearranged sex now as it is better than it was before which was me giving in to pestering. Some honest discussion is needed.

Yes, as I say, I do not condone at all the way he's acting. She's told him she doesn't like it and he's continued. That is 100% wrong. I do feel for them both as it seems to me there is love there but yes, the mismatched sex drives are a problem.

I think maybe LadyInParis makes a good point about a trial separation. It doesn't necessarily need to be permanent but it would take the pressure off both parties and give some breathing space. Which, in the long run, may well give the marriage a better chance of succeeding.

Sorry OP but can't read the wt it's long! I'm sort of half and half yr situation. My sex drive is higher than dhs but he only shows affection when he wants a leg over. I can't just have a cuddle either because he thinks it's a come on or later on will ask. Unfortunately as we rarely do it its over in a flash so then I want to dtd next night as hasn't been satisfactory but then he's not interested. Result is no sex or affection for the last few years. I resent him but there are other issues too tbf.

Think I would tell him again and explain that this might build into resentment. Often the first thing to go in a relationship seems to be sex. Maybe if you said that if he respects yr wishes then this won't happen?

Ah I'm with you now storm4star. Yes it is wrong but at the same time he cannot live feeling undesired for the rest of his life. So it's a matter of looking at options to attempt to fix it, for them both; be that counselling/ trial separation etc. Fix the root cause from both ends. He cannot keep groping at her yet he cannot put his sex life away at I'm guessing a fairly young age, for the rest of their lives. This could just be a phase of low sex drive OP, it happens to me all the time. I'm either off it entirely or I'm after it constantly. Could it be a similar thing or has it been a long time now?

LadyInParis, please feel free to pm me with some more insight as to why i am Vile. As im sure you will agree a public forum where the OP is looking for some constructive advice and alternative view points is NOT the place for personal mud slinging.

@Storm4star; even just a few days/ weeks apart could help them both to have space, lack of pressure, time to breathe and think. When you're apart it tends to put things into better perspective. I feel for them both.

@lo82 No thank you.

@ConfusedCuddles I'm sorry you're going through similar. Have you any idea what you will do?

you know what the simple fix is?

For him to stop groping her. You can cuddle without needing to turn it sexual.. or expecting it to get heated.

I never minded my H kissing me, I didn't even mind him grabbing a handful of my ass when we hugged, or having a laugh and a flirt.

Its that he couldn't stop there.. he had to then pull my bra down, or try and stick his hand in my pants until I felt I had to tell him no, or push him off.

I didn't mind laying on the bed with him after we'd put the kids to bed and having a cuddle and some nice intimacy and a chat and just some 'us' time. But he couldn't leave it at that.. he had to get horny and handsy and ignore my 'no' and 'not today' until the only way out of it was to leave the room and spoil that intimacy.

I loved sleeping next to him.. but I didn't love being woken up by his hands down my pyjamas, or finding he'd actually pulled them down in my sleep.

Its not nice, its not enjoyable, and you start feeling stalked.

Its not the person with the low libido doing the damage.. its the one who can't respect that 'no' means 'no'

Sex should not happen without willing, conscious and fully participating YES YES OH GOD YES.

The thing is everyone (including me) is putting their own spin on OP's situation. Those who have been victims in the past, and I am sorry for what you have gone through, are viewing it in the worst possible light and adding details in their mind that OP hasn't said. Others who have been on the other side of this scenario, know what her husband is likely to be feeling so, whilst I don't feel anyone condones his behaviour, yes we do understand what sexual rejection feels like and the impact that can have. And I still maintain that her telling him he's some kind of sex offender will be the death of their marriage. And, from what OP has said, I don't think she wants the marriage to be over

^This

Oh God - how this resonates with me! I felt as though I was under permanent siege, and it put me off any sex at all. In my case it was because of OH's medication for a neuro-degenerative disorder. I had no peace in my life at all; I did not feel my body was my own. I could not go anywhere near him without him ramming his hand down my pants or rubbing himself against me. It was a bloody nightmare!

He is now off the meds but it took about 9 months to tail it off and I am having to deal with the guilt of watching him degenerate faster because I cannot cope with the side effects on him of the drugs.

The cause was quite specific in our case; but I truly know how it feels to be under sexual siege every minute of every day.I dreaded going to bed at night and waking up in the morning because I knew a battle ahead of me.

How sad that your OH cannot show or receive non0sexual affection.

I just can't equate sex once a week with the appalling desert of rejection that some posters are describing. Once a week is good isn't it?? And isn't it nice to cuddle your partner and lie there in a haze of arousal with fantasies drifting through your mind, knowing that you'll be making sweet love in less than a week? Do you literally have to hump as soon as you think of sex? What happened to a bit of delicious delayed gratification?

@Annandale I hear that sister! Love me a bit of anticipation haha!

What's wrong with twice a week? I'm in my 50s and that's our average. Is once a week the deemed 'MN acceptable standard?' 😕

Although I do also have to hump as soon as I think of sex.. I blame the husband to be and take advantage since my sex drive can disappear randomly for ages. Swings n roundabouts. But we're happy the op isn't. It's tricky

Can OP be sure it is once a week? It may be less frequent than that. I'm not saying she's lying, but when sex becomes a faintly disagreeable chore you have to get out of the way, apparently one's memory can become hazy. I suppose if you go to counselling on this one of the things they might get you to do is keep a diary.

Really though there shouldn't be any 'once a week/twice a week' any kind of counting sex in my opinion. What for? Do it when you want to and don't when you don't. Troubles come with ops type of situation and I don't know how it can be fixed besides the probably useless bits of advice I gave