Husband can’t just cuddle

[WantACuddle]

Have nc for this. I’m having issues with DH and his seeming inability to cuddle in bed. Whenever we have a cuddle, without fail he will try it on even if I’ve already said I’m exhausted and just want to go to sleep.

Also, if he cuddles up to me in the morning when I’m asleep/ dozing, he will start feeling my boobs and touching me intimately, even though we have had conversations where I’ve explained that I don’t like it.

If I tell him to stop he apologises but I just want him to stop doing it in the first place!

We usually dtd about once a week and will usually agree in advance (ie lets get an early night tonight) as otherwise I feel like I would always be too tired/ not in the mood.

I think he feels like he doesn’t get enough affection but the truth is I rarely cuddle him as I know it won’t just be a cuddle and I don’t want more. If it was just cuddling I would be happy. He has a high sex drive and mine is lower and admittedly it is more of an issue now we have two young kids (early primary age though not babies / toddlers).

I’m really not sure how to resolve this as the more I think he’s trying to initiate things when he knows I don’t want it, the less I want it and resent him for it. We’ve been together for 10 years, married for 6. Any advice?

As someone else has pointed out, the quality of sex you do have when you do it is important. Do you enjoy it and look forward to it, or is it just something you do to get it out of the way? If you don't enjoy it and don't look forward to it, then you need to tell him clearly that you have zero libido at the moment. He's probably laboring under the delusion that you somehow want it as much as him and he can rev things up a bit. You'll have to be brutally honest with him. Maybe even stop having sex with him if you don't really want it yourself.

It’s not always scheduled (which I appreciate doesn’t sound very sexy), we do sometimes have spontaneous sex, ie first thing in the morning, but often by the time we go to bed I’m too tired and would rather just sleep. I can see that it’s frustrating for him though and that he’d prefer more spontaneity and frequency but forcing myself when I don’t really want to isn’t enjoyable.

Everything else in our relationship is good and we have a great life together, but this is a real issue and I don’t know what the solution is. Sometimes I do think let’s get it over with but other times if I get into it, I do enjoy it. It just seems to take a lot of effort for me to get in the mood. I’m late 30s.

Ffs. I can't believe some of these responses. There's NO excuse or justification for persistent unwanted sexual touching. Consent doesn't go out of the window once you're married. No means no.

Once a week?!?! Poor guy

Op you have clearly stated that your husband is groping you whilst you are asleep after you've repeatedly told him to stop. This is not a sex issue but an abuse issue. He is regularly sexually assaulting you.

Yes, poor guy.

I so feel for you . I Have told my husband repeatedly over the years it’s irritating to be groped instead of cuddled , but he just does not get it . He says he still fancies me and can’t help it . But tbh if he did just cuddle I would not get annoyed and he would probably get more sex. But genuinely it’s like he does not understand.

You've fallen off kilter and it needs addressing. Been there too! Nothing worse than wanting a quick cuddle and getting niggled for more! Talk to him though, just explain sometimes you want nothing more than cuddles and affection which doesn't mean you don't love him just you don't want rampant sex after every touch. It may surprise you that he may feel he's not getting enough but perhaps other signals may appropriate sex at those times that are right for you both and will take away from it being nothing or full blown sex which isn't right

DH you know when we're in bed and I cuddle up to you and you respond by grabbing my breasts/vulva? It makes me feel as if I'm about to be sexually assaulted. It means that I view you as a threat rather than a sexually appealing person. It also means I spend the night having broken sleep because I'm on high alert. "

Oh please, you sound as though you are talking at a seminar, not your DH..

I hear you Op. I completely understand and may be that is why I am single.

This was one of the things I cited in my divorce. It was NEVER just a kiss or a cuddle he always had to try to take it further despite numerous conversations and even me shouting "stop touch me!".

He initially rejected it but that was due to the wording, when clarified he had to admit it was true.

It increases the feeling that you're being pressured into sex whereas if they didn't do that, that relieves the pressure which means feeling amorous is more likely to come naturally to the woman.

So I've no suggestions other than keep telling him, but I sympathise.

All that said - once a week and never spontaneous I can see being frustrating too.

Has your sex drive always been much lower than his?

Tbh with the kids a wee bit older (ie not babies waking through the night) I'd be thinking most couples more likely to average 2-3 times a week, not always at night and sometimes spontaneously.

If you're too tired does he need to be doing more? Is it all being left to you? And I include cuddling the kids in that, because that frequently gets left to mum.

Would a lock on the bedroom door help if worrying about wandering kids is an issue?

Jesus - poor guy?! I think once a week is fine! Shut your traps you judgemental lot. If OP's DH wasn't so gropey she may fancy it a bit more. There is nothing more off-putting.

OP, speak to him and tell him how it makes you feel. He will (hopefully) be mortified.

The problem is cuddling makes him aroused, which results in frustration. Perhaps he should forgo cuddling. Maybe cuddling without any expectation of sex will make OP feel sexier and feel like sex, however there is no guarantee of this.

This is a catch-22 situation which is all too common. Him initiating sex usually results in rejection and frustration and irritation on both their parts. But if he just stopped initiating sex would probably just cease altogether. I think counselling is needed here.

Once a week is damn good. It's been 3 weeks for me and dh but also with two young kids, who cares? Sex isn't compulsory nor essential.

It sounds as though you have mismatched sex drives (so normal, my partner is the same as this!) I'm trying a meet in the middle approach, make more effort to please him and he's getting better at giving me physical space. (I don't feel pressured or uncomfortable doing more with him, I'm just not that into it :-( ) I'm also making more effort to lose a bit of weight I've recently put on to see if this helps my confidence as I used to be more fun!

JFC I can't believe some of these responses.

WantACuddle, he is sexually assaulting you. He knows perfectly well you don't want him to touch you, you've told him enough times. But he just doesn't care about your boundaries.

If he repeatedly asked you to stop touching his bum, for example, as he hated it - would you keep on doing it? No? Why not? Can you imagine any situation you'd keep on touching his bum, other than you didn't care enough about what he felt?

I'm in a similar situation to you. DP doesn't understand about cuddling. He cuddles only after sex. I am totally fed up with him thinking a cuddle is a come on. We can't cuddle for more than 2 minutes without him making it sexual. The end result? It's turned me off sex totally. We don't cuddle, or have sex. Neither of us is satisfied. (I don't want cuddles instead of sex. I was them as well as).

What he doesn't do, however, is constantly pester me. Instead we're going to counselling to see if we can work out our differences. If we didn't have kids. I doubt we'd have worked this hard at it, as we are fundamentally mismatched in that way. He's terrified of real intimacy, I think.

So, I think there are two issues - your DP not understanding cuddling is one. Him not respecting your boundaries is the other. I've not found a solution to the first one. Our sex life is practically non existent now. But we're working on it. The second one? I'm not sure there is a solution to that that doesn't involve you leaving him.

Is this what women were like about rape in marriage 100 years ago, when it was considered just something women had to put up with?

(Rape in marriage was only made illegal in the 90s IIRc).

If MN were about 100 years ago, would women have said stuff like this in a thread about rape in marriage?

"Sorry but I just don’t think OP accusing her husband of being “rapey” is going to do great things for their relationship!"

"I'd be very put off by having to discuss having sex with you I am sorry but the poor man is probably just jumping at any chance he get."

"mismatched sex lives"

"can see how a lack of spontaneity could be frustrating for him."

"I wanted to scream at times... for us it was just passage of time, the kids got older and I got my mojo back."

It might not be rape in this thread - but he's persistently groping her against her wishes. She's repeatedly asked him not to. That's the opposite of consent, people.

Could ye come to some agreement like cuddles all week and sex at weekends . Then there would be no doubt in his mind that you are up for it when you initiate cuddles. And no doubt in your mind that this means sex at weekends. I think if your tank is full after lots of cuddles and being relaxed that you would enjoy sex more. So win win.

I’m really not sure how to resolve this as the more I think he’s trying to initiate things when he knows I don’t want it, the less I want it and resent him for it. We’ve been together for 10 years, married for 6. Any advice?

This ^ you need to tell him this. Cuddles are a great form of intimacy. They're supposed to be safe and comforting not leave you on edge expecting something else. If he respects you then he'll control himself.

i could have written this post and totally sympathise. It destroyed our marriage. We are still married ( for various reasons, mostly financial and kids) but live as flatmates with no physical contact.

Unwanted sexual contact is utterly vile and makes you feel violated and worthless.

I agree, I can't believe that posters have overlooked the sex-pesty, non-consensual touching to tell OP she should serve her DH sexually more than once a week.

People have such low expectations of men on here.

OP your DH is basically killing your sex life by being unable to control himself during a cuddle and having no respect for your boundaries.

For many women this would be a deal breaker in a relationship. I think you need to make clear to him how serious this is a currently just asking him not to isn't working. Not saying he will listen.

He shouldnt be touching someone who has told him that it needs to be done on a schedule/prior approval agreed.

He doesnt need to be in a relationship where intimacy is reduced the page of the diary.

Spontaneity does involve sexual touching. If its not wanted then it should not happen but then lets not pretend that ending spontaneity is not also ending something quite important to one of the two people in a marriage. End this marriage now - OP stops being groped and OPs husband gets to find a more compatible sexual partner.

I think people have got to hung up on the once a week part of the op.

This isn't the issue. The issue is that her dh is seemingly unable to "just" have a cuddle without trying to initiate sex, knowing that op has said she doesn't want to for whatever reason. Which is her choice.

Sexual incompatibility can destroy relationships. I'm going through it myself so know what it has done to us.
Presuming if op and her husband have been together a long time then their sex life has probably had its ups and downs( excuse the pun ) but life is variable, he needs to understand that.

Op I think the time to discuss this is not when it's actually happening but in a relaxed way maybe over dinner.
You aren't a machine that is fired up and expected to produce results.

Same if your husband has issues. You would expect him to talk to you and to try and understand, even if you struggle doing so.

Sex evolves over time and with young children in the house you're hardly going to be swinging from the chandeliers every night twice

Don't feel that because others have sex more than you do that your situation is in any way wrong.
That's the beauty of humans. We're all different.
If your husband refuses to acknowledge your issues then you have bigger problems.

Good luck

I think the issue is the OP no longer fancies him that much, regardless.

I think a great many women and often beyond 40 or post kids just don’t feel the urge in the way men do, not all by any means but a very significant percentage . They tend to feel like it every now and then. I know myself the only time I ever really feel like it is on holiday and I don’t have kids at home anymore and am mid 50s, whilst I think it’s hard for men to accept this I do feel it’s something that has to be discussed even if you come to the point and say you genuinely aren’t that interested in a frequent basis, because otherwise you just feel resentful and then it’s a downward spiral. If they cannot cope with the fact then at least you have been upfront and can decide whether to separate, he uses his right hand a bit more, whatever. I too hate being groped, in fact despite being very loving in terms of stuff I do I have never been that tactile , not keen on hugs from anyone apart from children. Don’t know why, guess it’s just me!