Husband can’t just cuddle

[WantACuddle]

Have nc for this. I’m having issues with DH and his seeming inability to cuddle in bed. Whenever we have a cuddle, without fail he will try it on even if I’ve already said I’m exhausted and just want to go to sleep.

Also, if he cuddles up to me in the morning when I’m asleep/ dozing, he will start feeling my boobs and touching me intimately, even though we have had conversations where I’ve explained that I don’t like it.

If I tell him to stop he apologises but I just want him to stop doing it in the first place!

We usually dtd about once a week and will usually agree in advance (ie lets get an early night tonight) as otherwise I feel like I would always be too tired/ not in the mood.

I think he feels like he doesn’t get enough affection but the truth is I rarely cuddle him as I know it won’t just be a cuddle and I don’t want more. If it was just cuddling I would be happy. He has a high sex drive and mine is lower and admittedly it is more of an issue now we have two young kids (early primary age though not babies / toddlers).

I’m really not sure how to resolve this as the more I think he’s trying to initiate things when he knows I don’t want it, the less I want it and resent him for it. We’ve been together for 10 years, married for 6. Any advice?

Been there. Drives me nuts. I’m tired from looking after the baby and never sleeping longer than 3hrs at a time. I’m up 3-4 times every night. I walk about 6-7 miles a day pushing the pram to try to make the baby sleep. When the baby finally goes to sleep at night I want to sleep, not have sex.

I wouldn’t mind kissing and cuddling but DH can’t just kiss without getting excited and trying to push it further. So I avoid kissing him. Don’t know what the long term solution is unfortunately!

I used to say, if you have energy for sex you are not as tired as me. So therefore you look after baby DC while I get some sleep and then when I wake up we will do the deed. It worked, as either he did look after Baby and I got sleep, or he decided he was tired too and we both had some zzzzz

Ploppy I like your approach!

"DH you know when we're in bed and I cuddle up to you and you respond by grabbing my breasts/vulva? It makes me feel as if I'm about to be sexually assaulted. It means that I view you as a threat rather than a sexually appealing person. It also means I spend the night having broken sleep because I'm on high alert. " Highly agree NotTheFordType.

It makes me feel as if I'm about to be sexually assaulted

If someone said that to me i’d Be the one leaving them! Why Storm4star? It actually IS sexual assault. Already. She has made clear her sexual boundaries. He repeatedly crosses them. This is sexual assault already. No means no. She said I do not want this sexual behaviour. He does it regardless. Assault.

Anyway. I just spoke to my fiance. I can go months without wanting sex, then go for weeks wanting it constantly. I just asked him his opinion on our situation (I already knew the answer in regards to our situation, but wanted to check in regard to this situation.) He told me there is much more to a relationship than just sex and that he believes that if relationships crumble due to mismatched sex drives then the relationship wasn't right anyway. I say his opinion only to match mine; in that if you are not stimulated by the other person in many other ways than just sex then yes, the relationship is doomed. But if you have an otherwise stimulating and happy relationship then communication and understanding goes a long way with sex drive issues.

I see two problems here. One is that he repeatedly, in my opinion, sexually assaults you and doesn't respect your boundaries. This may piss off posters but to be honest it's the same old "poor man he needs sex blah blah". Fact is that once a week is more than good enough when you have children, and should be for him if he loves and respects you. It also causes secondary problems of it putting you completely off sex with him as well as your original post; not being able to simply be loving and intimate without sex. So he loses out on affection altogether and risks losing sex completely with you.

The other problem is the "planned" part of once a week. This depends on how it is done. Once a week on a random day or night and time that he doesn't expect it, and with true desire, along with the full shebang so to speak (foreplay, laughing and bonding, and making love) rather than 'every Tuesday 10pm just a quick shag as my duty' is a big difference. The former is perfectly adequate in my opinion. The latter not so much.

He wants to feel desired. I get that. But he is really risking losing you physically in every which way (sex, cuddles) fullstop, for good if he carries on pushing your comfort zones. All I can suggest is that you sit him down and discuss it. Any problem me and my fiance have is discussed fully (when calm) so we are always communicating. If you already tried this, try once more to discuss it and explain it's putting you off physical contact altogether.

If this doesn't work then it would seem that you both have a real issue. Although in my opinion you already do, from his boundary crossing behaviour and lack of respect for your bodily autonomy. I hope it works out for you OP

@Paintedwings Couldn't agree MORE!

@Stillme but I think his attempts while OP is asleep or half asleep is him trying to find out if she might subconsciously want more intimacy. WTF? Are you serious? It has never EVER occurred to me in my entire LIFE to grope a sleeping unable to consent partner to 'See if they subconsciously want it'. Never. What a load of shite! She has SAID REPEATEDLY she DOES NOT LIKE IT. He is assaulting her because he WANTS TO and no other reason. He thinks he has the right to disregard her bodily autonomy, her rights as a human, thinks he gets to choose when where and how he touches her body, has NO respect for her, doesn't give a shit about her desires or her sensuality; what she likes and enjoys to get what they both want. He fucking regularly SEXUALLY ASSAULTS her BECAUSE HE WANTS TO AND BELIEVES HE HAS THE RIGHT TO. Nothing at all to do with him turning into Freud and trying to 'subconsciously psychologically test' her 'real' sex drive despite her already making her 'real' sex drive quite CLEAR. I have never read anything so ridiculously disgusting and rape apologist in my LIFE. Please tell me I read that wrong. Surely no-one can think this way. The persons conscious verbal consent or lack thereof comes above and beyond any 'real subconscious sex drive' while she is asleep and has no idea. Jesus Christ

LadyinParis - I don't know what goes on in OP's bedroom or even want to know. What other people do is not my concern. I would make very short work of someone I thought was assaulting me. The man in this case may be trying to find out if tonight is his lucky night. What ever! What I notice is that a fair few MNers seem to think sex is a commodity which they will bestow on their dutiful partners as and when they see fit. That is too near a form of blackmail for my likings. What about wedding vows for those who are actually married? With my body I thee worship. What about love? If a partner was ill or crying in distress would they be ignored? If the partner was hungry would the food be locked up? etc
I am female with a male partner I would be heartbroken if I was brushed aside every time I touched my partner. I would accept the fact that they do not want me and give up wanting to touch them.
It does not look like a joint relationship to me.

TG I have a relationship where we share all sorts of things.

Clarification = I would be heartbroken if I was brushed aside every time I touched my partner. I would accept the fact that they do not want me and give up wanting to touch them. I would not stay is such a relationship. I would leave and be alone rather than be rejected. I would also hope that maybe someone who would love me might come into my life. I would not accept a relationship like the OP describes

I don't particularly have any desire to know either beyond the fact that he is assaulting her and the issue I took with your post, like another poster, was your suggestion that his groping her while she was asleep was an attempt to see if she 'subconsciously wanted it'. However I explained all that so no need to go over that.

I agree that sex is most certainly not a commodity nor a right either. It is something that is freely pursued by two (or more if that's your thing haha) people who 100 consent and want to do it. Whether it's a one night stand fuck or making love it isn't something a man has a right to or that a woman should view as a commodity or duty. I have sex with my fiance when I want to when he wants to because we want to. If I don't or he doesn't we don't. Simple as that. Problems come when there are issues with non sexual intimacy such as the ops where the man expects it to lead to sex every time or the woman sees sex as a duty to perform once/ twice a week/ month

Clarification = I would be heartbroken if I was brushed aside every time I touched my partner. I would accept the fact that they do not want me and give up wanting to touch them. I would not stay is such a relationship. I would leave and be alone rather than be rejected. I would also hope that maybe someone who would love me might come into my life. I would not accept a relationship like the OP describes

Agree with this whole heartedly Stillme I would feel the same and not accept that type of relationship either

I am happy with mine it works. Because of mutual respect. I do not 'bestow' sex upon him as some sort of reward as many women do nor do it as a duty, a performance, as even more women do. At the same time he does not view it as a 'right' but as a method of love and enjoyment. And so it works for us

If that makes sense haha. If he cuddles me and wants it and I want it we do. If I he wants it and I'm too tired I say no baby and he continues to cuddle and we sleep. I think that's how it should be. I couldn't be in ops relationship because he isn't accepting the no. He should either accept it or he should find a more sexually matched partner. Same for her. I dunno it seems a big problem I hope she fixes or moves on happily

OP are you me?

My ex was like this, sometimes I had to physically push him off as he would be trying to have sex with me when I was asleep, say at 3am when I had to get up at 5am.

I did still physically fancy him but it got to the point I loathed him as he simply had no respect for me.

I left him. He refused to understand and I just couldn't be near him in the end

VanGogh i had similar but much worse (don't want to get into that) and I'm sorry you went through it too. My fiance now (different guy obviously) knows my history so when I don't want sex for months then suddenly want loads for a few weeks he understands why and goes with it more than happily. Because we show our love and stimulate each other in other ways. His knowing my past means he waits until I initiate and it works for us. I never have to treat sex as a duty or anything like that. Which is wonderful after my past. It's a lovely refreshing feeling

Lack of spontaneity + mismatched sex drives = death knell of intimacy.

Offer of planned once a week sex only on a Sunday style..I'd leave it rather than take it, as it'd seem like a 'lets get it over with' mercy-fuck.

I think you don't like sex with your H, OP.

When you have kids youre too tired for lots of things but you still do them, so why in particular is sex out of the equasion? Some posters talk as if they they use I have kids hence I'm tired' as a barrier against sex with their life partner. Realistically, thats shit for any relationship.

If you do love your H then books, therapy, a combination of both etc could help. Loads of info online re resuming intimacy.

Rare is the woman who wants sex daily so it's understandable you don't want him to expect you to want and be ready for sex every time he lays hands on you. Tell him how you feel, but also that you want to try to have a better sex life. It's worth a try at least.

duckyfuzzz sex is neither compulsory nor essential?? I actually disagree. While I definitely don't believe sex is the most important part of a relationship, I certainly think it is very important! It is something that should be worked out, if it is mismatched.

As for the OP though, we don't know the whole story. I think better communication is needed and he needs to respect boundaries. I do feel for him that he is attracted to you enough to initiate, but keeps getting shut down. However, the way he is going about it is annoying and creepy! I saw some other people writing about his lack of helping with housework and kids etc... is this the issue? If he knows that him pulling a bit more weight will give him a better chance, he may just start doing that! Not all men are thick, but I must say, a lot of them really are simple creatures!

MistressDeeCee+ Crunchie

Both hit the nail on the head there. Especially the sex being important. Otherwise you're just friends surely? Plus I agree loads of things still get done despite kids, so why not something that expresses love, creates relaxation, and keeps the bond of marriage going, as well as being enjoyable? I understand less sex but a grudging once a week? I think you're both right. She doesn't want sex with him. Through can't say I blame her. He seems a fucking creepy sex pest

The op did not say they have a scheduled weekly bonk! She said we say ‘let’s have an early night’ beforehand around once a week. So it’s not bloody business time on Wednesdays, after putting out the recycling as most posters on here are suggesting.

I have a higher sex drive than my partner. Once a week sounds awesome to me. But I don’t turn every cuddle into a groping session or touch him while sleeping. I wait for him to initiate and am happy when he does.

Maybe it’s because I’m a woman, or maybe it’s because I’m a decent human being.

Do you cuddle in the daytime op? When the kids are there so there’s no chance of it being taken the wrong way? Or close mouth kisses, arms around the shoulder etc. Or is all intimacy off the table?

If you do love your H then books, therapy, a combination of both etc could help. Loads of info online re resuming intimacy.

Or he could stop touching her at times she’s specifically said she doesn’t want him to, and see if that helps restore any of the intimacy?

I had an ex who was like this. Constant constant pestering, always trying to touch me at times when I’d specifically asked him not to, hearing “no” as “ask again in three minutes”. It absolutely tanked my attraction to him and my sex drive. Hard to stay sexually attracted to someone who treats you like a faulty vending machine.

I hope the sleepy gropey time isn't as bad as it sounds. Anyhow talking about miscommunication there is a fundamental problem here. He doesn't seem aware that she just doesn't desire him at all anymore.

Perhaps she's afraid of bluntly telling him this as he might leave. But she needs to make him understand this so they can work out the next step - either break up or start seriously working on this, which will require hard work and compromise from both of them (starting with him not inappropriately groping her).

Or he could stop touching her at times she’s specifically said she doesn’t want him to, and see if that helps restore any of the intimacy?

I had an ex who was like this. Constant constant pestering, always trying to touch me at times when I’d specifically asked him not to, hearing “no” as “ask again in three minutes”. It absolutely tanked my attraction to him and my sex drive. Hard to stay sexually attracted to someone who treats you like a faulty vending machine.

Trying it on when you're exhausted, and groping you when you've asked them not to - are sure fire ways to kill attraction.

Trying it on when you're exhausted, and groping you when you've asked them not to are sure fire ways to kill attraction

I agree with this in one way but not in another. If one persons sex drive is low, then it's low. If the person stops trying it on, it is not going to increase the libido of the other person. It just doesn't work that way. I do agree that it pushes away the person with the low libido and that it doesn't improve the situation at all. But to stop touching someone with a low libido just comes as a relief to them, it doesn't "fix" the root problem. Essentially the "groping" is a symptom of a bigger issue. That symptom can be remedied but the bigger issue remains.

No it's not going to increase libido I didn't say it would - it will increase respect and decrease annoyance.

We don't know that OP's libido is low, simply that it's lower than DH's at this point and she's exhausted with young children.

The bigger issue wrt groping is that DH does not respect her boundaries.

I agree he needs to respect her boundaries but they also need to have a serious discussion about where they're going to go with this. Because the current situation isn't working for either of them.