Hubby says I'm not affectionate and never initiate sex....

[sunshine05]

So as the title says, out of the blue hubby has had quite a rant at me this morning about how he feels like I don't fancy or love him. I say out of the blue....he's said this to me before a few years back, and a few years before that. It's usually borne out of frustration building up over months I think. Its true, I hardly ever initiate sex, I'm not that affectionate- I'll hold hands and kiss but no passionate snogs really or much else. I don't know why- I'm just like this! But I feel like if I don't change he may just give up on me and leave. We've been married almost 10 years (our anniversary is in a few weeks). I have no idea how to change. I am not a huge touchy feely person. And when it comes to sex I just don't often think ah I want sex, but if he starts touching me....that changes. So that's why I never initiate. (oh and I don't often refuse so its not like he goes for weeks without it) Oh and there's also the 3 young kids, total exhaustion and health issues I have to deal with. I did mention those but he has a very stressful job so it's not like he's not stressed out and exhausted too.

I tried explaining to him that men can be turned on by just looking at women/it's more physical, women need more time, more 'warming up' but he didn't really think that was a good enough excuse. I've googled it and it seems to be a pretty widespread issue with women not initiating and also a few articles on why (the way we're wired etc) but if he's not happy then I need to change somehow.....

I

sorry about your attack ravenmum I've not had anything bad happen apart from inappropriate groping/the odd time in the past I've felt them trying to force themselves and telling them no. I was such a pisshead when younger so got myself into a few sticky situations.....

I think with dh he says why don't I give him lingering kisses, or do something like he does (he is quite tactile or will grab me whilst walking past etc) I feel like it might lead to sex and I don't have the time/energy at that point so don't initiate anything. I know it doesn't have to lead to sex but its like I feel I might have to let it lead to sex if that's what he wants....

Oh, it's tough when they work away. You spend the whole first day they're back getting over the subconscious resentment of them having been away and trying to reestablish the intimacy.

Do you have much contact while he's away? Could you explore ways to maintain a connection when he's away from you? And it WILL feel forced at first, but it could be fun. Skype dates over dinner? Considerate or even flirtatious messages?

Notmany YES that's what I was trying to say to him- that there are ways that would make me more engaged with him/more eager to get it on but when I mention them (the things that get me in the mood) he said it's not always about me, it should be about him sometimes. And fine I understand that but I can't remember the last time he tried to be romantic!!

Ratrolypoly we do text daily -sometimes longer conversations, if he's away for a while then we skype but it's more for the kids. Flirtatious messages could work....

In our house we have a weekly "ladies night" where it's totally all about me and I call the shots, which usually just involves me lying back knowing at no point am I expected to perform enjoyment for his benefit of in any way reciprocate. It's THE BEST. And of course there are other times I repay the favour, but I'm much more inclined to do so knowing ladies night is a weekly event.

Ha, don't know if that random insight was even helpful in retrospect!

I'm thinking ladies night your house might involve more candles and probably even dinner :)

yeah him cooking dinner for me- now that might actually help get me in the mood!! last time he cooked dinner for me was probably years ago!!

He is pretty good with not being selfish....he'll happily 'do' something for me without expecting me to return the favour - although I often do return the favour just because I feel guilty if I don't but I do like the sound of ladies night it would definitely involve wine and candles

Best tell him how much easier it is to do nice things for someone when they do nice things for you

Wine's every night, surely??

I could have written your OP myself! I'm just not a touchy feely person. I didn't realise it was a problem until I met my current dp.

Its not all about him so if he can have a moan so can you. Tell him you want a bit of romance and some help around the house and with kids so you arent too tired. And tell him you might be more affectionate if he didnt assume it meant you always want sex. Sounds like he needs to make some effort here too.

but I guess life just gets so hectic and I don't do it automatically then forget to 'make an effort' and before I know months have passed

The thing I’d that you know once you get going it’s ok. You make an effort in all other aspects of your life that aren’t as important as your marriage and your marriage deserves the same effort otherwise it’s going to continue to suffer.

Think about what you need in terms of time and actions from him to give you more impetus and tell him. Think about what you like during sex itself and make the effort to explain how you’d like it to be different. I’d be willing to bet he’d love for you to take the lead and enjoy yourself more.

And don’t worry about any changes you make now as being seen as only because he’s said something. Ideally you’ll be having the ‘Ive been thinking about what you said and...’ conversation anyway. That way it won’t cone across as duty and more about your relationship.

I totally know what you mean. My lift is

• rush out of work leaving stuff unfinished
• school pick up
• dinner
• bath and bedtime
• collapse

Adding initiating sex into that list just isn’t sexy.

I actually worried a couple of years ago I’d gone off sex then we had a weekend away without kids and I was actually horny without trying. It was amazing. No idea how to bring that home but just wanted to empathise.

Joysmum that's so true that marriage deserves as much effort as the other areas of life, but the sad thing is it often gets neglected - not intentionally but with 3 kids and no-one around much to help (my mum sometimes does but isn't very hands on and is away a lot) and therefore not much time for 'us' it's a constant battle to allow any time for us really...

Yes it can be difficult but no doubt there will be things you can both do differently to make more time and have more energy for each other. Of course it still won’t be easy, but it could be easier.

The way I look at it is that if my dh or I can make time and effort for overtime, then sure as hell we can find a couple of hours a month for each other, even if you have to schedule it in like we do with everything else in life! Not romantic, but fun once you get going

yes true Joysmum and we do try and go out for dinner once a month and we could definitely make say Friday night our 'us time' night so there's definitely ways to fit it in....

museumum yes I find that too! Going away for a romantic weekend sure does do a world of good....shame it can't be more than once a year!! Bringing up kids kills your sex life I'm sure of it!!

My dh is like you and I’ve got 3 kids, a job etc. I’d really like a more physical relationship where dh is tactile and affectionate and likes lots of sex. The two are not mutually exclusive, in fact for me having a loving physical relationship would add a shine to the daily stuff.
Like your dh it comes up every so often and he makes an effort for a short while then it goes back to being run of the mill again.
It’s nice to feel desired and as I’m getting older I do think this is my only life, am I missing out on a more fulfilling relationship? I think tbh they probably all settle to the same thing so I wouldn’t do anything. But I do enjoy being chatted up and imagining what could be available if we weren’t together. And it won’t be available for long at my age!
One thing I’ll say is don’t dismiss the idea of being romantic because you’re worried its because he’s asked you to, he’ll appreciate your effort and hopefully you’ll enjoy it too if you do fancy him. Start planning something sexy for when he’s back. Believe me, he’ll love it.

OhCrepe interesting to see it from the other side- the person who isn't getting enough attention/affection. That's what I'm worried about- that i'll just slip back to old ways after a while. I guess all I can do is trying to keep making a concerted effort....

And half of me is thinking I could plan something sexy for when he gets back.....the other half is really resentful he's away (part of it is for work but the weekend is a training trip away that happens once a year) I feel so bloody resentful he's leaving me and going off on a jolly when I rarely get to go away. and my mum isn't around to help either....

Honestly OP, you're not lazy and selfish! The world we live in means sexual fulfilment is aimed primarily at men. It's a leisure activity for them. And what is it for women? It's a fucking chore! It's spending hours worrying if you're too fat, too thin, too prudish, a slut will he call, won't he? It's about being harassed for looking shit and catcalled for looking hot. And then at the end of it no-one's even bothered if you came or not, so long as the guy got his! It's no wonder that for so many women once they have the husband and the kids it's a blessed relief to put the whole sorry mess behind them. It's not your fault, there's very little in sex for your average woman. But it really doesn't have to be like that. You can reclaim it as something that works for you and enriches your life. It takes effort to get off the ground, like any new hobby, but it really can be fun in the end

Oh wow what a depressing post! I actually think most of it is untrue as well

I have never once felt like sex is a chore with my partner. I also never worry about what men think of me. That boils down to your self esteem - why give a shit what they think? If you’re having fun having sex then great! It’s never occurred to me to think of my actions towards sex and what it could mean to a man. You’ve obviously surrounded yourself around the wrong type of men
I’ve also always been with men who always make sure I finish - again, you’ve obviously surrounded yourself around the wrong type of man to give a shit. Just like there’s plenty of women who don’t give a shit and are lazy when it comes to sex and just lays there expecting the man to do everything.

And by no means do I condone affairs because I don’t. But your comment about putting sex all behind once married etc is so wrong! Just because you’ve bagged yourself a husband it shouldn’t mean you can stop making the effort! You can’t blame a man for becoming frustrated and having a wandering eye if his wife gives up on sex just because she’s married and can’t be arsed anymore

I find your attitude and way of thinking a lot more depressing than what you posted. Not all men are selfish lovers and are judgemental towards women and sex. You’ve obviously just surrounded yourself around the wrong type of men. Don’t tarnish all men with the same brush. Some are fantastic men as well as lovers and don’t judge women the way you think they do

and yes ohcrepe I think my dh thinks the same thing- that maybe he's missing out and someone else could be more affectionate/physical for him. He jokes about an open relationship but in a desperate kind of -i'm kidding but please do something kind of way. And....he has flirted before (with email/photos) with other women a couple of times which has caused serious issues in our relationship. We've sorted that out now but I'm sure it's because he needed more attention (but he of course said that was no excuse for his behaviour)

Chippyway sorry is your comment aimed at me or at the person who posted the post you highlighted????

Chippyway I never said I put all thoughts of sex behind me once I was married?!!....

Er, Chippy, I most definitely haven't surrounded myself with the wrong men and I am 100% sex positive in my own life. But I'm not so blind as to deny the societal forces at work on women and men in our modern society. It isn't the case for you - great. But as an ardent feminist I'm not going to pretend there isn't a problem for women (and men) regarding healthy sex in relationships - and outside of it! Because there is. It doesn't effect you, fabulous, but you don't have to look very far to see that for a lot of people it is a very real (if subconscious) reality.