Hubby says I'm not affectionate and never initiate sex....

[sunshine05]

So as the title says, out of the blue hubby has had quite a rant at me this morning about how he feels like I don't fancy or love him. I say out of the blue....he's said this to me before a few years back, and a few years before that. It's usually borne out of frustration building up over months I think. Its true, I hardly ever initiate sex, I'm not that affectionate- I'll hold hands and kiss but no passionate snogs really or much else. I don't know why- I'm just like this! But I feel like if I don't change he may just give up on me and leave. We've been married almost 10 years (our anniversary is in a few weeks). I have no idea how to change. I am not a huge touchy feely person. And when it comes to sex I just don't often think ah I want sex, but if he starts touching me....that changes. So that's why I never initiate. (oh and I don't often refuse so its not like he goes for weeks without it) Oh and there's also the 3 young kids, total exhaustion and health issues I have to deal with. I did mention those but he has a very stressful job so it's not like he's not stressed out and exhausted too.

I tried explaining to him that men can be turned on by just looking at women/it's more physical, women need more time, more 'warming up' but he didn't really think that was a good enough excuse. I've googled it and it seems to be a pretty widespread issue with women not initiating and also a few articles on why (the way we're wired etc) but if he's not happy then I need to change somehow.....

I

Ravenmum I was told by my mum that I wasn't a particularly affectionate child hmm and I guess I assumed it to be true.
Oh, one of those mums. What is going on in their heads?! Why would you say something like that to your child? Ugh. Any other gems she has gifted you with?

Is your self-image generally not hugely positive? Have you ever tried counselling? Might be good to do it on your own first. I did a talking therapy, where you just talk about your childhood etc. - had no idea that simply talking about the past with someone paid to listen to all the boring details :) could actually take quite a weight of assumptions and doubts off your mind.

oh totally, many pearls of wisdom from her, like, 'just flutter your eyelids' to get what you want, 'you just need to find a rich man to marry' ...should I go on?

I grew up with quite low self esteem....didn't know how to act around boys/men, got drunk to get anywhere near them...ended up meeting a lot of bastards. Having said that DH has always told me how much he fancies me/compliments me etc and now I'm older I don't have too many body issues/hang ups but I'm still not a very confident person. And self-image (not body but myself as a whole) I'm always worried about offending people and am pretty insecure. Maybe I'll look into therapy. No way I could get dh to couples therapy!

In the meantime, just* try questioning some of your assumptions about yourself - why do you see yourself in certain ways, where does the idea come from, is it actually true at all? Maybe you actually love affection - but you've convinced yourself you're a cold person. Or you're in an unaffectionate habit (which you can break) with your dh. Or even maybe you'd be more affectionate with someone else. Or maybe you aren't naturally affectionate, thanks to your upbringing, but would like to learn! None of these things are horrible, they don't mean you are permanently a good or a bad person, they are all things you can explain, embrace and/or work on.

*actually quite hard admittedly

OP I feel we maybe living in a parallel universe! Everything you have wrote - how your DH is towards you, what he wishes things were like, how you aren't naturally affectionate, joking about open relationship, 3 kids - is exactly my situation.

However, unfortunately my DH ended up cheating on me. He went online and used a dating app to hook up with a woman for a casual encounter. I found out pretty much straight away and was heart broken. He was the last person in the world that I thought could ever do something like that. He shocked his family and mine. We are still together and working through things but it's so sad that the relationship is stained by it.

There is a line that I repeatedly read on Mumsnet about partners who have cheated. It's that they wish they had come to them with their problems and told them what was wrong in the marriage.
The awful thing for me is my DH did come to me often and I didn't do anything about it. Mainly for all the reasons you give. It still doesn't make it right what he did.

You seem such a lovely person OP and I felt I had to reply to you as you are living what I was.
I would urge you to act on what your DH has said. 💕

*unaffectionate. - d'oh!

I hear you op!

I have two small ones and by bed time I’m only good for sleep!!

Mid afternoon is my time that I could have friskyness so some times he comes home early is the kids are at school/ nursery.

Some men are such physical creatures where some women (me) are definitely emotional. I need to be relaxed, kids fast asleep, house tidy, kitchen clean then have some energy left to even think about sexy time!

It’s hard finding a balance especially when you have small ones. Dh went around eight months after dd2 was born as I just wasn’t interested and I really did feel a huge gap between us. I could have happily never had sex again but I love my husband and new I had to get back on track with him or I might have got us to a place we couldn’t come back from.

It’s not a simple as just getting in the mood is it.

OP, I just read your first post and haven't read any responses but I'm running out the door and wanted to make sure I dropped this. I experienced your exact situation with my DH and fearing divorce would be imminent I spent many hours looking to see if there was something I could do to "fix" myself.

I found out this really interesting development in sex psychology / physiology that we're basically using an outdated model for human desire and not all people fit into the stereotypical want sex randomly with little to no provocation idea that we are all sold growing up.

It's called Responsive Desire vs Spontaneous Desire, and while you're more than capable of Googling this research (and I suggest it!) This site laid it out pretty well: www.uncoveringintimacy.com/responsive-vs-spontaneous-desire/

All I know is that after finding out about responsive desire and reading every article I came across I broke down in tears, then woke the husband cried with him a bit. I went over the responsive desire model with him and I think it probably saved our marriage. I don't feel the same resentment from him and I'm not as anxious to try it on when I'm not in the same mood - I find that after 15-30 minutes of kissing and cuddling I end up on the same page, I would say roughly 80% of the time! It has been pretty phenomenal for us.

Sorry if this was mentioned by any other PPs, but I don't think this research is getting the love it deserves considering how much it helped my marriage. Hopefully this will help you too! Good luck