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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My step daughter hates me and I'm getting married in 3 weeks.

118 replies

easylover · 06/08/2018 23:39

I have my own 2 children 15 and 12 and 2 step daughters 12 and 14, the oldest step daughter I get on fine with and I'm close to my own 2. The youngest one is so bloody rude to me, tells me she hates me says things like I don't have to be nice to you you're not blood! Your just someone my dad dates I don't know why. This morning she refused to come in holiday as she hates me. I've tried talking to her, my dp has talked to her over and over again, told her off we've all sat down tried to reassure her ask her what's wrong, how can I make her happier, but I just get the shoulder shrug! I really can't take much more of this and debating if I should call the wedding off , I'm sick of it and it just doesn't change.

OP posts:
UnlikelyAstronaut · 06/08/2018 23:49

Sounds pretty normal. Stay solidly pleasant and include her in everything. Grit your teeth.

What's your relationship with her mother like?

Original poster
easylover · 06/08/2018 23:54

'Normal' is it? My children don't behave like that with any adults or parents/step parents. Her mum is really disappointed with her also

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 06/08/2018 23:54

OP - you are a mother to teenagers, who have been through divorce/separation - this shouldn’t surprise you.
In all likelihood - it’s not really personal. And any new partner of her dad would have got the same.

It’s a hard age - and there must be a story of her family falling apart, and the dynamics she has with her mom/dad, etc.
And - of course - there is a step-kid her age, too.

So - try to not over-react and give her a benefit of the doubt. She isn’t in a good place - and this anger at you is, most likely - an expression of her struggling with something.

Don’t call of the wedding.

Original poster
easylover · 07/08/2018 00:02

This isn't just a one off you know

OP posts:
Joe66 · 07/08/2018 00:04

Your partner needs to deal with this too. Has he/she spoken to her and told her she is behaving badly and it has to stop?

Original poster
easylover · 07/08/2018 00:07

Yeh he has, but the behaviour isn't improving. Maybe I am over reacting will prob feel differently tomorrow

OP posts:
rebelrebel3 · 07/08/2018 00:11

She's a child ffs! You're talking about her as if she's an adult and you're an upset teenager. It's hell for kids when their parents split up and worse hell again when they marry new people and you're expected to celebrate with them. Some kids take it better than others - be bloody grateful you have 3 who are able and wiling to suck it up and let the 'difficult' one do what she needs to do. It's heartbreaking to hear that not one of the adults in her life is prepared to empathise with her, poor kid.

MMmomDD · 07/08/2018 00:16

OP - rebel is right.
I had the same reaction.
You are sounding annoyed at her - a 12yo kid - not ‘behaving’ in some way that you think is acceptable.

She can’t. She is struggling with something. Leave her alone - don’t try to fix her.
Her father/mother’s need to figure out a way to help her.

Come to think of it - my step-father also appeared in my life around that age. I never did develop a relationship with him. For many reasons that aren’t relevant here.
My mom was clueless and didn’t manage this all well.
Affected my relationship with her for a long time.

shinyredbus · 07/08/2018 00:21

She probably just wants her parents to be together - you know, maybe to her that’s ‘normal’ and her father marrying someone other than her mother isn’t. Cut her some slack - she’s 12.

TokenGinger · 07/08/2018 00:23

I was 12 when my dad met my step mum. My world fell apart. I took my parents’ break up really badly. My life as I had known it and loved it had changed forever. Her being in my dad’s life meant that it was irreversible.

You need to be more understanding. Kids have complex emotions. She’s going through puberty. She’ll be in her first year of high school. The kid has had a lot of change and probably doesn’t know how to deal with it. Give her a break.

callkiki · 07/08/2018 00:24

When I met my 15 year old future SD, I said "hello" and she said "fuck off" and stomped off.

I asked her is she wanted anything to drink, she said "fuck off" and I said ok, if you change your mind, just let me know...

I never rose to the bait and ignored it all. When she learned she couldn't get a reaction out of me, she stopped.

Can I add that 13 years on, she has asked me to walk her down the aisle and I'm the luckiest stepmother on the planet.

Skittlesandbeer · 07/08/2018 00:40

I’d be fairly chuffed that I had 3 out of 4 teens on side in this situation! That’s somewhat of a miracle!

This was always going to be a rocky road, and you’d better brace for more conflict as you blend this family. Doesn’t mean it won’t be worth it, but better if you go in with your eyes wide open. You’ll be lucky if even bits of your actual wedding day are ‘about you’. It’s not ‘love’s young dream’, it’ll always be that the kids are prioritised.

I’d grit my teeth, smile, go ahead carefully and hang my hopes on a day 10 years from now when they all leave home...!

MistressDeeCee · 07/08/2018 00:54

Leave her alone OP. She's a child and she's going through confusing feelings. Her dad is making a new family, in her eyes. & she's still processing all this. She isn't obliged to warm to you immediately. Things may well come right if you back off and just give it time. You speak about her as if she's an adult. Awful

safetyfreak · 07/08/2018 04:53

Omg she's 12! Just leave her to it, she come round eventually. Think of all those hormones, your dealing with a moody teenager.

Seriously though, you should both just ignore her if she's displaying bad behaviour. Attention is what she wants and thrives on so stop giving it to her!

Devilishpyjamas · 07/08/2018 05:09

I asked her is she wanted anything to drink, she said "fuck off" and I said ok, if you change your mind, just let me know

Crying with laughter - this was the conversations with my own son aged 15.

OP. She’s upset that her parents split up. She doesn’t want to celebrate your wedding (understandable tbh). She’s presumably being as polite as she can be.

Give her space. It’s (probably) not personal - she doesn’t want any stepMum, she just wants her Mum and Dad together. Is she going to the wedding? If so does she have to go to the wedding? If I was her mum and Dad and it was possible for her to miss it I’d offer her the choice tbh. The holiday may feel particularly raw because it’s so close to the wedding.

I think i’d take Call’s approach and when she says she hates you say ‘oh that’s a shame because I like you’, then carry on washing up or whatever you’re doing.

Given space and no demands from you (by which I mean showing no signs of needing her to like you) I suspect she’ll come around.

She will be dreading your wedding day (probably because asvitgets said it means any chance of reconciliation - in her head - has gone). Once she’s passed that day it may be easier for her to accept you.

Mum1g2b · 07/08/2018 05:11

I can understand your frustration but I also believe you have a child here that is struggling with something and needs lots of love & support.

How long have you been with her dad/been in her life?

She might not know how to verbalise what she is feeling which is why you get the shoulder shrug. You, her dad and Mum need to let her know you are there for her, surround her with love and support and ignore the ‘bad’ behaviour.

Most of all never compare her to the other 3 kids just because on the face of it they appear to be coping better than she is.

Stick with it and don’t call off the wedding.

Nellia · 07/08/2018 06:45

Shes is a child on the cusp of puberty. You are the adult cut her some slack.

Moreover she doesnt have to like you just because everyone else does, forcing her to do so making a big deal of it is probably why she is shrugging her sholders and prolonging the drama leave her be.

What was the dynamic like between her her dad and her mum before you arrived on the scene?
I never spoke to my mums husband felt his mere presence disrupted a world that consisted of just me and my mum.
Was in my mid 20s before I bothered to initiate a conversation. And all due respect to him he just let it go and let me be me and focused on supporting my mum helping raise me that way, acted as her sounding bored rather than trying to take control. Not every blended family matches the brady bunch ideal.

SalemBlackCat · 07/08/2018 07:52

She is only a 12 year old child. She cannot handle or process emotions the same as we do. Just you do your thing and she does her thing, ie you both stay out of each other's way and don't force her to be included in anything. Just let her be. You might find that a year into the marriage she will become adjusted to it and settle down more. Just give it time, and a wide berth (for her).

YeTalkShiteHen · 07/08/2018 07:54

You don’t have to like me, you do have to be civil.

Repeat as necessary until it passes.

Icequeen01 · 07/08/2018 08:03

Has your oldest stepdaughter been able to say why her sister is like this with you? I agree with the other posters who say she needs time and space but equally I can understand how hard it must be to hold your tongue when someone is speaking/treating you like that.

Skarossinkplungerridesagain · 07/08/2018 08:08

If I were in your shoes I would cancel. Yes she's hurting and she wants her parents to be together but you need to be kind to yourself too.

newdaylight · 07/08/2018 08:12

@Skarossinkplungerridesagain
Why is cancelling your wedding being kind to yourself?

Notonthestairs · 07/08/2018 08:29

How long have you been with your partner? Have things got worse in the run up to the wedding?
If it has got to the stage where you don't want to get married at all then maybe cancelling is a good idea.

MamaOotie · 07/08/2018 08:45

I would put the wedding on hold until you all get on an even keel.

Raven88 · 07/08/2018 09:06

Where you the reason the marriage ended?

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