My step daughter hates me and I'm getting married in 3 weeks.

[easylover]

I have my own 2 children 15 and 12 and 2 step daughters 12 and 14, the oldest step daughter I get on fine with and I'm close to my own 2. The youngest one is so bloody rude to me, tells me she hates me says things like I don't have to be nice to you you're not blood! Your just someone my dad dates I don't know why. This morning she refused to come in holiday as she hates me. I've tried talking to her, my dp has talked to her over and over again, told her off we've all sat down tried to reassure her ask her what's wrong, how can I make her happier, but I just get the shoulder shrug! I really can't take much more of this and debating if I should call the wedding off , I'm sick of it and it just doesn't change.

That comment always annoys me, am I the reason their marriage ended 🙄 no I wasn't, they'd been divorced 2 years when I came along.

Well I won't carry on with this, I was really down last night and probably over reacting. It isn't nice when your nothing but nice to girl and get told daily your not liked, but no she doesn't have to like me I've told her that . But as an adult that still hurts. I was just looking for someone to talk to really but I came to the wrong place. Sorry !

She will be feeling that if she is nice to you she is somehow being disloyal to her mum.

Do not cancel the wedding. She already hates how she is being - she is obviously unhappy - but cancelling it will make her feel she has the power to control the family and while that might superficially feel good, at her age it will feel really unpleasant.

I would suggest her dad (not you) gives her the option of being there, whilst saying of course that he would love her to be there. From your point of view though I’d just be kind. Good luck.

Don’t disappear OP!

And for those of you telling me to leave her alone, what are you on about I do, never ever say anything bad to her. I was just wanting someone to talk to. I'll be ok now

I'm not sure you should marry a man who is happy to marry someone his child hates. At the very least don't have any children with him.

OP it’s reasonable to feel hurt. However it’s not reasonable to blame a 12 year old for the emotional turmoil she’s Projecting. Have a read through the teenager boards

But also remember tweens/teens are difficult. You could have 5 years of stroppy ‘you’re not blood’ ahead of you. That’s teenagers - it’s hard enough when they’re in a home with their parents. Throw step-parents and step-siblings into the mix and it gets much harder. You need to be prepared to deal with that

op - how you're feeling right now - in reaction to these comments - the hurt you feel - well thats what she is feeling but all the time.

The more fuss you make about the way she is behaving the longer it will take to get over it.

She can't hurt you unless you give her the power to hurt you. Just ignore and focus on what needs to be done for the wedding. Unless you don't want to get married anymore but if thats the case then you would be very unfair to blame it on your SD.

She is a 12 year old doing a bad job of dealing with her feelings. Whats new there?
She probably doesnt know why she feels that way herself. She probably knows you havent done anything, but cant process the emotions of another big change (ie new step mum) so she projects them onto the person she connects to triggering those emotions.

I would try to get her some councilling or something to talk through her feelings.

I know grown adults who struggle massively with issues and the only way they can think of to deal with them is to project them onto others. Yiu have my sympathy. More so as ive just had an evenings worth of projection bullshit off someone. Its awful. But handled right it does get easier.

I'm going against the grain here OP and saying don't get married. I see so many posts from desperately unhappy stepmothers who are torn between families and partners and struggling to find a balance - often to the detriment of their own happiness.

Only you can decide if the stress and angst is worth it. How often do the step DCs stay over? I would be tempted to maintain the relationship but at a distance so you have your own space to retreat to. That might improve things...

When I said leave her alone I didn’t mean you were being nasty to her, but you said this: “we've all sat down tried to reassure her ask her what's wrong, how can I make her happier,”

Don’t ask her, she can’t articulate it, probably doesn’t even know why, you can’t make her happier (except bluntly, by leaving so in her head her Mum & Dad are free to get back together again).

Her dislike of you probably isn’t anything to do with your personality or who you are - it’s what you represent.

Step back. Let her be angry and sad and confused & don’t ask anything of her. She may come round, but you can’t force it.

Easylover its a shame you feel that way ive often sort advice on mumsnet and not always got opinions that tell me what I want to hear but generally found that its what i needed to know. Sorry if you found it offensive.

I've been in that situation, though not so extreme. I used to hate myself for being so intolerant but couldn't help it.
Does your DP have custody of the girls? If he does, that's quite unusual.
And whose house do you live in? That's relevant too. It's a minefield, Counselling might help you to vent your feelings.
Step daughter and me got on eachother's nerves for years, until she had a child of her own. All's fine now TG.

ps another factor - is your DP good with your children?
It's a complicated relationship, all depends whether you and him love eachother enough to tolerate the ups and downs.

I do think leaving her alone is the best next step.
Then encourage her parents to get her some counselling - a safe place to talk without it getting back to her patents.
As for you do off load somewhere. Maybe even the step parent area. Find a way to relax (kick boxing?), and get over it.

And thank your lucky stars you only have one tricky teen. I have 3, and one's is still hard to live with at 19.

Maybe look at it another way. You don't like everyone you meet and that's okay because you don't have to. In a step family situation it creates an artificial environment where everyone has to bypass their own feelings to fit in with the choices of an adult.

It's okay that she doesn't like you. She does get to make that choice. She may not like other family members and therefore choses not to spend time with them. What is not okay is that she is rude to you.

I suppose the question for me is firstly can you handle the fact she may not like you and that not changing and if so, can you work with her dad to make sure she is at least civil to you in your home?

That would decide for me the question of whether to get married or not.

This step parenting lark is not for the faint hearted 😞

It's got to hurt, not sure you can do a lot other than hang in there?

If he has only been divorced for a couple of years does that mean that they split up a few years ago or that the divorce took a long time? Have you been with him less than two years? I wouldnt marry him to be honest, Its something her Mum and Dad should be talking to her about and sorting out, It doesnt sound like this is happening.
Honestly I dont think that a child should be able to treat an adult like crap because their parents split up.
Get out of there.

If she doesn't want to go on the holiday, then is it worth making her go? I'm sure she can stay with her mum whilst everything else goes. She's 12, well she may not be able to make many decisions I do think perhaps you should listen to her on this.

It might make her realise that she's the one missing out with this behaviour & if you forced her to go, theres a big risk it'll ruin it for everyone else.

Speak to your partner, see what he says. I would not be allowing a 12 year old to dictate my life to me in any way shape or form - whether that was my own or someone elses child.

@easylover I didn't mean to offend you I just wondered if that was the issue. Also if her mum held resentment about you the SD might of over heard a conversation and that's why she doesn't like you.

It sounds like jealousy and she might of favoured her dads attention and now she isn't getting as much. She shouldn't be let off with treating you like that. You are the grown up and she shouldn't be allowed to disrespect you.

Oh ffs at all the "she's just a child", "she's allowed to do whatever she wants as her parents are divorced" bleeding hear bullshit. You wouldn't be defending her speaking to a teacher or another adult like that.

My parents split up when I was 12, I didn't always love my SM but I sure as hell wouldn't have sworn at her or told her I hated her. BOTH my parents would have given me hell if I'd been so rude and disrespectful.

OPs DC have also been through their parents divorcing and they're not horrendously behaved brats. It's absolutely not "normal"

I'd postpone the wedding.

Don't cancel, my SD wasn't happy we got married, she was great on the day but has withdrawn from me since. I'm under no illusion she struggles with my existence in their lives, but she will likely struggle with anyone, it's not personal. And she ignores my daughter's almost completely now.
That being said my marriage is a very happy one, and I just carry on as normal. Cook for her, shop etc but don't get involved any further. She goes out with dad and with us as a family, she doesn't get to choose not to at this age but she does get a lot of dad time. I smile my way through it, she may come round she may not, but at twelve I didn't let her dictate my relationship and it's future. I just support her dad with bringing her up and make sure she's never excluded, even if she does roll her eyes when she thinks I'm not looking lol

I notice OP stopped replying a while back - was this not the response you wanted? Were we supposed to call the 12 yr old a selfish little bitch for spoiling your 'wedding joy'? Personally i hope to god you're readi g and capable of self-reflection. Unfortunately for your stepdaughters you are now a huge figure in their lives - through no fault of their own - with the power to do untold damage to their emotional development and chances of happiness. Please think about this, lay off the feeling that you are somehow entitled to a 'perfect day' and try to find it in yourself to have some empathy

Blimey Rebel your response is way out of line

Look at this through the child’s eyes.
I remember friends when I was a teenager and they worried about stuff that sounds random, like inheritance.
Maybe the 12 year old is worried about split finances. It happens.
I would hold off the wedding until they are 18 to be honest.

But she is entitled to a 'perfect day'? Or am I missing something?? Just because the stepdaughter does not like her, or just because she is struggling at the moment does not mean that the OP can not still want her perfect day. The stepdaughter is going to grow up, move out, make her own way outside of her family - yes of course family relationships will influence how she is in 10 years time etc BUT why should her father (and to some degree her future step mum) put their lives on hold and not do what they need to, to make them happy?

I fully appreciate children need to be taken in to account, of course they do, but in no way shape or form should this have a negative impact on 3 other children who ARE coping well the changes they have all been through.