My step daughter hates me and I'm getting married in 3 weeks.

[easylover]

I have my own 2 children 15 and 12 and 2 step daughters 12 and 14, the oldest step daughter I get on fine with and I'm close to my own 2. The youngest one is so bloody rude to me, tells me she hates me says things like I don't have to be nice to you you're not blood! Your just someone my dad dates I don't know why. This morning she refused to come in holiday as she hates me. I've tried talking to her, my dp has talked to her over and over again, told her off we've all sat down tried to reassure her ask her what's wrong, how can I make her happier, but I just get the shoulder shrug! I really can't take much more of this and debating if I should call the wedding off , I'm sick of it and it just doesn't change.

Could she live with her mum? It might ease the tension if that's possible and it might be something she wants to do. She sounds very unhappy and you sound patient which I'm sure she will thank you for later on even if your relationship never fully gets there

Just to clarify I don't mean kicking her out ( I'm sure you wouldn't anyway) but it might be what she wants and nobody might have asked her

I agree foral I think she does need her mum, but I don't think her mum will

My DC's feelings and happiness are paramount, and I want them to feel loved and valued. But would they fuck get away with speaking to anybody the way that your DSD speaks to you! Yes, she may be feeling confused and hormonal, but it's still important for her to grow up learning to be respectful to others and to have some basic manners. Her behaviour is shocking and her parents need to deal with it.

Lookatyourwatchnow you don't know the half of it, I've called a bitch, had things thrown at me sworn at etc. I think dp just doesn't know what to do with her.

If her mum isn’t capable of looking after her, then you might be getting the brunt of her anger and confused feelings about this. Is your partner supporting you? It would be difficult to take this being sworn at etc if you don’t feel like your partner appreciates what you do.

Does your DP reprimand her/put consequences in place when she speaks to you like that? If my DC swore at my DP they would be having their x box or whatever taken straight off them, grounded, sent to their room, made to apologise etc. Does he do this?

I do think it is important that DP takes it seriously.

But I do also think she may need professional help. Is she getting any support at school? Can you afford to pay? Would you consider family therapy?
It does sound as if her mother is a big part of the problem.

Hi easylover sorry to hear these troubles, it doesn't sound great for any of you. Has she had any counselling at all? Would school be able to have a chat with her and give her a safe space to talk? It sounds as if there's a lot going on for you all but particularly her (and possibly her sister) to digest.
I recommend a book called 'My Amazing Teenage Brain' by Nicola Morgan. It's written for teenagers and is really accessible and a handy reminder of how it really all is kicking for young people at this age.
Hope you all have a lovely holiday.

She sounds like a very sad, confused wee girl. You're not the problem OP. She needs someone to blame and you're the easiest target. I can't give you any advice as I've never experienced this. It sounds like you've tried lots of different approaches. The PP who mentioned counseling may have a point.

Omg OP you must be the most un-selfawarw person on planet - calling other people bitter when you've started this thread specifically so can whinge about being mistreated by a child - who you write about with shocking coldness. Then you say you love her - that really takes the bloody biscuit. Just look at yourself

And how does this affect your children?

Yeh I think she does need counselling tbh, but she finds it very hard to communicate. She has been through a lot, I know she's just lashing out on me

@rebelrebel3 OP is not your stepmum. Take your issues out on her not complete strangers that have nothing to do with you or your situation.

Thanks wasnot I will look for that book x

@easylover if you can (is private an option?) definitely give counselling a go. Her separately and then as a family. She might refuse to engage,but you have to try.
That's a lot of upheaval and sadness and resentment for a 12 yo kid to deal with. She needs help to deal with her feelings .

I agree rebelrogue, it's just I don't have much power as step mum I can suggest it but ultimately it's down to her mum and dad. I think she would just sit there and shove her shoulders, but I would be very happy to pay privately yes

This is where your partner needs to step up(and if he doesn't,then yes reconsider the marriage) . Someone needs to parent and help that child(for her sake not just yours), and if her mum is not in a good placw right now then it's up to him. They can't shrug their shoulders and hide their head in the sand while expecting you to take the brunt of her anger.

I was the stepdaughter of a narcissistic woman like you
WOW - I've not read a single thing that OP has said that makes her sound like a narc.
Stop projecting your issues onto someone who is here looking for support.

OP, I hear you.
My ExP had 3 DC. I liked one of them but the other 2 were horrid.
I never bonded with them.

And I'd hate hate hate to live with someone, anyone, even a 12 YO who disrespected me so much in my own home.

This is your life and your call.
You do what is best for you and YOUR DC!
Might sound harsh but you get one shot at this.
Don't live it unhappy.

Hellsbells sounds horrid I know. It makes everything difficult doesn't it. It puts a lot of pressure on relationships. I left a guy because he didn't like my dcs they weren't rude they were just children, coughing in the night etc I was told to sort it out. He had to go! But in this case I feel I have gone out of my way to be nice so that's why it's a kick in the teeth and to see my dcs upset when she's rude towards me.
Saying that she's been absolutely fine on holiday so far, joining in with my 2 laughing and joking, looking forward to going surfing today, I've just been normal with her and given her space to be with her dad. I still feel hurt but I haven't shown it.

she is a child.

Sometimes the child acting out is doing it on behalf of the ones who cannot.

Perhaps consider counselling for yourself so you have a chance to be heard properly and to fully consider any changes you can make to improve life at home.

If she is fine on holiday - then you might want to think about what is different there to at home. It might give you a clue as to what is going on.
Teen brains are not great at body language, understanding other people, and being able to understand/express feelings. So it might even be worth you keeping a secret diary to see if you can see a pattern to her behaviour: food? Exercise? Certain people? School? Time of the month? Etc.

Well it's because she's doing the things she likes, getting treated, out to eat choosing what she wants, normal rules out the window, she can lie in bed doesn't have to go to school, doesn't have to do any chores. But holidays are only a couple of weeks a year.

Sorry I don't really know what you mean pickle