My step daughter hates me and I'm getting married in 3 weeks.

[easylover]

I have my own 2 children 15 and 12 and 2 step daughters 12 and 14, the oldest step daughter I get on fine with and I'm close to my own 2. The youngest one is so bloody rude to me, tells me she hates me says things like I don't have to be nice to you you're not blood! Your just someone my dad dates I don't know why. This morning she refused to come in holiday as she hates me. I've tried talking to her, my dp has talked to her over and over again, told her off we've all sat down tried to reassure her ask her what's wrong, how can I make her happier, but I just get the shoulder shrug! I really can't take much more of this and debating if I should call the wedding off , I'm sick of it and it just doesn't change.

but I came to the wrong place. Sorry !

Because we didn't side with you, we sided with the child?

It seems to me that THIS is exactly why you can't cope with the child not liking you. You want everything your own way.

Bubbles it's got nothing to do with sides. There's more than one child involved anyway. There's a whole family effected and I don't mind constructive criticism because some people have been through it but I certainly don't like nastiness, there's no need

Okay this could be projecting my own issues - but does she have an issue over food? Are arguments often at mealtimes at home?
If so can you see if : there is a real issue maybe a food intolerance? Also try to de stress mealtimes - even if she doesn't eat what she is given. Give her opportunities to choose what to eat?

But when a child is nasty its a cry for help. That's the way I view it.

Yeh bubbles your probably right that's why we're discussing it, I may be an adult but that doesn't mean get hurt and upset sometimes. I don't take my hurt out on her, I let it out on here!

She has got many issues, food, communicating, sleep all sorts but when its not your own child I haven't got the power to take charge and get her help, I just get the brunt of it. Dp and I will discuss it again though when we are alone

Why on earth would you postpone or call off the wedding. You would only be sending out the message that behaving badly gets you what you want. Let her know that you really dont give a monkeys whether she likes you or not and leave her to it.

Why on earth would you postpone or call off the wedding. You would only be sending out the message that behaving badly gets you what you want.

Because the OP is trying to build a family not prove a point

I think you're on the right track easy lots of talking with your DP is needed to get this on track so everyone is happy. Good luck

This behaviour doesn't just affect the OP, it has an impact on her DC as well.
They don't want to see their mother being treated like that.
And the reason she should postpone the wedding is because living like this for the next 6-10 years is not sustainable.
Not for the OP or her own DC.
This shitty, disrespectful behaviour could end next year but it might never end.
We've seen many step mothers on here who have put up with this kind of treatment with the step DC still being horrible into their 30's
Sorry, but sod that for a game of soldiers!

OK I'll try to explain it more simply.

You have a problem so it is you who is likely to benefit from counselling.

I know you consider that it is you stepdaughter who has the problem but you have overlooked the fact that a. She has not expressed any desire for counselling, and b. The only person whose mind and behaviour you can manage is your own.

Get counselling for yourself.

But she's not going to express wanting counselling, she probably doesn't even know what it is. I disagree I think she is the one struggling and needs counselling. I may do too due to taking all the backlash yes

You can't prescribe counselling to force a child to be nice to you.

Grim

Can you not see the massive power imbalance OP?

She is a child. She has absolutely zero control over the situation. It's not like she chose you and asked you to marry her dad.

Fucking hell get off your high horse.

OP, I'm sorry people are being so unpleasant to you and personally insulting you. I can't see a reason for this at all as you are doing the very best that you can in a very difficult situation.

Only you can decide whether or not you (and your DCs) can live with this for potentially the next 6+ years or so. Wishing you strength, offering sympathy and sending .

You can't claim a child is struggling,angry,suffering etc and then berate OP for looking at something that might help said child.

I can't imagine a young person requesting counselling until they are 15+ or have previously experienced it. At school if a Head of Year refers a student to the counsellor it's not because the HOY needs counselling but because they have seen it help similar pupils in the past, think the pupil has had a difficult time etc.

Some people on this thread do need counselling of their own. The OP is not your step parent/parent. And do RTFT!

OP you do need to get you DP to step up. And his response would be the biggest factor in what happens next.

I know Twitterqueen, ridiculous isn't it. I'm quite used to having abuse hurled at me though. She's actually been lovely on holiday actually asked if I was ok yesterday

Red it's not about prescribing counselling so she's nice to me, what are u on about. It's about helping her to cope with the family dynamics and various issues she has.

Op you've had quite a bashing from some people - very unnecessary. Being a step mum is much harder than some people realise! I think the only thing you can do in this situation is get her dad to step up.

I was very angry at her age for no reason and hated my dad - no broken family to blame - just hated him, didn't get on. I obviously got over it and my parents didn't entertain it.
It sounds like you have mum on side too so maybe she can speak to her also (depending on that dynamic)