My step daughter hates me and I'm getting married in 3 weeks.

[easylover]

I have my own 2 children 15 and 12 and 2 step daughters 12 and 14, the oldest step daughter I get on fine with and I'm close to my own 2. The youngest one is so bloody rude to me, tells me she hates me says things like I don't have to be nice to you you're not blood! Your just someone my dad dates I don't know why. This morning she refused to come in holiday as she hates me. I've tried talking to her, my dp has talked to her over and over again, told her off we've all sat down tried to reassure her ask her what's wrong, how can I make her happier, but I just get the shoulder shrug! I really can't take much more of this and debating if I should call the wedding off , I'm sick of it and it just doesn't change.

I was a right handful when I was about that age meeting my Dads new Partners. I cringe at some of things I had said and done to them to make my feelings perfectly clear that I didn't approve.
Ultimately, I found it really difficult to process the fact my mum and dad was never going to get back together. I just grew out of trying to be difficult, however I would advise to just sit down and try and talk things out with her.
This girl already has a mum and dad so it probably confused as to why there is another person coming onto the screen. Children can easily feel in the middle of things and keep their emotions very separate from each other. I always found this hard to deal with and sometimes still do between the two sides - the last thing the girl needs is for the Step-Mum to play victim and not be understanding.
Be Kind, Be Patient, and be Reasonable.

Prettylovely i have no idea why you'd say or think that and since you haven't bothered to explain ...

Yeh it's very out of line rebel , you have no idea have you. Blimey some people! I'm actually just getting on with my holiday thanks

Why would I want anyone to call my step daughter a bitch? She's no more of a bitch than I am. She's just a hormonal mixed up girl who is struggling but that doesn't mean I don't get upset at her behaviour. I am not a robot !!!

OP I think you need to realise that even lovely children who emerge as delightful young adults can sometimes go into inexplicable horrible phases. Even if you had been a nuclear family, it's totally possible that 3 DC wouid be unproblematic teens and one go right off the rails.

The r al question here is 'are you prepared to parent this girl, warts and all, just as you wouid if your DC had been the one to do this?"

If the answer is anything other than 'yes' then it might be worth calling off the wedding. But I really hope you are paying attention to what is being said on this thread (other than to sneer at some contributions) and that you are more accepting, and there will be no need to cancel.

Obviously i have no idea of the very important hissy fit you're having about your wedding but...
I was the stepdaughter of a narcissistic woman like you from age 9. I now have 2 teenage daughters struggling with a dad who always puts his own needs first and 5 stepchildren (yes, 5) aged from 10 - 25 - all of whom i try hard to understand and support in whatever ways i can, even if that just means keeping a low profile while they hang out with their dad.

All of which means i have a point of view and most other posters seem to be on same page as me, just more polite

if you are thinking about calling the wedding off, maybe you should.
Your dp needs somebody who loves him for who he is, kids and all.
Not someone who will bail out on him when the going gets tough.

You are a parent and sp of teens, if this is your only worry then you're doing pretty well.

Blimey rebel you are way wrong and very very bitter!!! I don't like you at all I love my step daughter actually she's just going through a bad stage. Sounds like your still going through yours your poor step mum lol

She's a child and you are someone who isn't her mum, marrying her dad, so that's why she's acting up. Acknowledge how she's feeling - she can't help it and it's not 'wrong' these are perfectly valid feelings for her to have. What isn't ok is any associated rudeness. You need to present a united front with her dad (and her mum if possible) to both acknowledge that this is upsetting her and help steer her through these complicated emotions while at the same time showing her what's an acceptable way of expressing them. Make it ok for her to express that she doesn't like the fact you are marrying her dad, whilst telling her that you live her despite this and not everyone agrees all the time. Don't call off the wedding! You are the grown ups and she doesn't have to like it, but she does have to respect your choice, and you are her dad's choice. Congratulations on your wedding

Never mind the OP calling off the wedding, why is this child’s father prepared to marry someone who his daughter hates?

If my child hated my partner there’s no way I would be planning to marry him at this point, because like it or not, there are possibly very valid reasons why this child cannot stand the OP. Just because her father likes her doesn’t mean his children have to. He should be putting his children first. Not necessarily ending the relationship but certainly not entering into marriage with someone else who his daughter cannot stand. There’s plenty of time for that later.

My DC hates his dad’s partner as well, because she has moved into their lives, with her child, insisted her child comes first, now gone on to have more children and ex has gone along with all of it while blaming DS. And oh surprise surprise she has now since cut him off from his family as well

The penny has now dropped but it’s too little, too late....

Thanks for the honest opinions though ladies I have taken them on board. I just don't take kindly to nasty ones that don't know what they are talking about but it seems a lot of you do. Things are clearer when you step out the picture for a while so thanks

How does anyone think that this is an acceptable way for a 12 year old to behave/speak to someone!? Honestly, she's not a snowflake. I don't know how to fix it beyond what you've already tried so I don't have any advice really, but it's not ok!

"Blimey rebel you are way wrong and very very bitter!!!"
Agreed, totally projecting, Unfortunately you do get this sometimes on here...

Hope all goes well for you whatever you decide to do op.

It's must be so hard to make a decision like this.
Getting married and showing your commitment might show her that you are in it for the long haul, and not someone that she gets to know/opens herself up to then just walks awsy.

Although her parents have got divorced so could be that she does not see the point of you getting married as she can see that people can get divorced if they want to.

Did your DP date much or have many partners after the divorce and before meeting you? I think that could make her wary too.

What are the living/custody arrangements for all your children?

Is your DP happy to get married with her so clear in saying it's not what she wants?

My dad's wife married him when I was 13. When I visited she'd go absolutely bonkers trying to please me, making meals I liked, organising fun activities. All I wanted was to be alone with my dad for a bit. I wasn't rude or nasty (too docile!) but was definitely not keen. Now, 35 years later, when I visit I probably spend more time chatting to her than to my dad and he's the one trying to get time alone with me :)

Thank you for writing this thread OP.
I had a terrible time during my teens because of my parents and their respective marriages. Rightly or wrongly I felt very left out, emotionally angry and micro managed (whether that was actually the case or not)
I'm about to get married in October and have not invited my step mum... she is still horrible to me 15 years on!
I have had to deal with huge abandonment issues and I am contemplating going NC with my dad after my wedding.
So please be nice and kind and do not retaliate. As I know some people now who treat their step mums more like a mum. I really wish I had that.

OP step parents will always be the bad guy in some peoples eyes on here. You sound like you know what’s going on with her and it’s not unreasonable that you’re hurt by her comments. It’s hard to be the bigger person all the time but as others have said, ride the storm. I was vile to my SM at that age!!

And in the meantime this is why gin was invented

Wantabub , thank you don't worry I won't take it out on her I can just walk away and cool down and things get to me and then I get over it. She has known me for nearly 7 years and all 4 of them live with us most of the time. Mine all the time so it just gets a bit much sometimes and I think sometimes she resents me because I do the things her mum should be doing, she wants her mum not me who wouldn't. Unfortunately her mum is not in a good place so being step mum in my case I do most of the work but get none of the recognition. But not a lot I can do other than take time out for myself and give her space. They were all in tears of happiness when we got engaged 2 years ago but maybe realisation is setting in as we get nearer. I do understand as my parents were divorced. I wasn't allowed to speak to any parents like that though but I remember the feelings of resentment

Well said Gooseygoosey12345 I despair at the level of 'understanding ' perfectly kind, understanding people are expected to put up with from bloody rude kids. All children are entitled to be upset. They are not entitled to be rude.
As for comments from Rebel - just ignore. She obviously has serious ishoos with a step parent. Disregard her rudeness. (Someone else who doesn't know how to make their point without deliberately trying to upset.)

As for step child. Just keep being nice and get dad to deal with the behaviour. Do not rise to it.

As for 'how could her father marry someone their child hated ?' - sorry but I don't have my romantic relationships dictated by a 12yr old who can not offer any reason for the dislike.
Thank god your DP doesn't either. If we took our cues for a love life from what our children deigned acceptable - we would never have been permitted to date anyone let alone marry !

Sorry but if parents where more aware of the impact their relationships had on the development of their children there might be a few less adults with relationship issues walking about the place.

OP you do sound like you are basically doing a good job. But some teens are a handful - especially if they've had a tough time.
In fact just as with tricky toddlers she may well act up with you for a combination of "I feel safe so I can relieve my true feelings" and "just how horrible do I have to be to have you reject me too."

Other step parents and parents on the adoption boards might understand best.

But having to suppress your feelings all the time is not the best thing.
And a lot changes between 10 and 12!

That's a good idea OP. Come over to the step parenting board. Lots of us there with years of experience. You may find some great coping tips.

Nellia, I don't really get the point your making, unfortunately there will always be relationship breakdowns and people getting hurt. That's life

Sorry easylover my last comment was in response to fontofnoknoledges statement that the childs opinions shouldnt be taken into consideration because they cant articulate them. I dont think its an attitude that will help a child develop well.