Dating Thread 138: Hotter Than July

[CoverMeLads]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11.Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Don't you find comfort zones constraining though Cover? Sometimes breaking out of them can teach you an awful lot about yourself, other people, life in general, and help you grow as a person.

Dan, there's something like 27 million women in the UK, of which at least several thousand must live near to you. Stay positive and carry on messaging!!!

I’ve had enough “discomfort” in other areas of my life so far, Kin, plus a load of therapy: I’m pretty well grown I’ll stick with what I know I like when it comes to men.
Althkugh, that said, Mr Thaw is testing 2 of my boundaries already, so that’ll have to do you

Anyhow I’ll try to adhere to Rule 9 tomorrow evening.....

Ha! @CoverMeLads your actors initials weren't SP by any chance?!

No, although it sounds as if you’ve got a story there, little......

I briefly popped into thread 135, when I was just thinking about dipping my toe into the water of OLD after my marriage/relationship of 18 years ended earlier this year. I'm not looking for anything serious.

I've now set up a tinder profile, had around 8 dates in 6 weeks, only 1 of those was a 2nd date. DTD with two of them, and it was dreadful both times!

I'm getting loads of matches, lots of conversations starting, but I'm finding it hard to maintain the chatting. I'm much better talking in real life, but come across as really stilted and boring in online messages.

I also seem to be attracting wounded souls, which seems to be my way ... I'm always the person on the bus or the train who gets targeted by the person wanting to pour out their sad life story to a total stranger. My marriage ending was/is very distressing to me still, and I do NOT want a wounded soul to look after, I want this to be fun and distraction for me, but it's difficult to be honest with people, because it seems like I'm discriminating against them because of their difficulties, which, well, I am!

Cover did you google the actor? Are you prepared to give us any clues?

April the fact that you don't want to deal with the wounded souls is a good start! I used to be what Baggage Reclaim called a 'Florence' - trying to tend to these people to make myself feel needed. I'm sorry about your marriage, as I'm sure plenty on here will agree you don't come out of a relationship that long with a clean slate, it will take a while to work through it all. Just allow yourself to put your own needs first without apology. You don't have to be mean to the wounded souls but you do have to be firm...

I'm finding it hard to maintain the chatting... come across as really stilted and boring in online messages... had around 8 dates in 6 weeks.

Those figures would suggest you are not boring at all. Perhaps it is the people you are talking to who are the boring ones?

but it's difficult to be honest with people

Why?

I'm discriminating against them because of their difficulties

It's your prerogative to make choices while dating and to choose who to speak to, date, etc., but why are you picking people with 'difficulties' in the first place?

if you want the same result choose the same type- break out of that type and get a different result!! that's what i'm telling myself

i am going on the date today with Mr RAF

April you could try a different style of profile pic or blurb ? what does yours say at the moment?

Dan don't give up and also don't go all desperado on your matches either. where are you based (roughly) and what type of job do you do? what are your interests? there's plenty of easier ways to date other than old.

Maggie yeah, there’s plenty of stuff (mostly curated by himself) and I could give you a ton of clues: you’d still never have heard of him. It’s all a bit “Extras”

April if you want a distraction and sex, but no emotional connection yet, you could try a more hook-up type site? I know some thread members have used them. It might get rid of the emotional diarrhoea (sorry that’s not a great word over breakfast) at any rate.)

How would stating his real age make him vulnerable to identity theft?

No idea! He said it copied over from his Facebook profile and he never uses his real date of birth online. He had already deleted Tinder earlier this week anyway, he said he was just on it for a bit of a scope out while he was visiting the UK and hadn't thought that he might actually meet or start talking properly to anyone - which does fit with what he said when we matched and started talking. Anyway, I'm still talking to him because it's highly unlikely that anything is going to come of it given that he's in Canada and not sure exactly when he'll be moving back to the UK and he's good to talk to - we were on the phone for 4 hours last night which I just don't do, ever.

Cover I could totally see you with a luvvie luvvair

So in a moment of kindness, I sent a nice message to someone saying that his profile was good but people may be put off by the fact he had titled one of the photo's 'mong' (it might just be me but it would make me pass him by and he seemed otherwise ok) his response 'I only use mong as a deregatory term but glad you like it' ?! wtf, anyway I'm done being helpful :)
Another had his profession down as Sight Operative when I would hazard a guess from his jcb jacket he is actually a Site Operative.
Remind me again if this way of dating has ever worked out in the history of man as it is feeling less and less likely by the day!

Poor spelling is a bugbear of mine but it doesn't make someone a bad person/undateable.

Remind me again if this way of dating has ever worked out in the history of man as it is feeling less and less likely by the day!

It works for me but perseverance is definitely key.

oh, oh, oh - I need to share my ACTOR story too, which also involves a lie about age - maybe they are the same guy?!

Get a nice message on POF from a guy who clearly has had professional photos taken, who I vaguely recognised. I reverse face check him and sure enough he is a D lister. His age was showing as 53. Anyway we start having a nice chat and as it progresses he reveals that he is 63, but his "playing age" is 53. I expressed surprise, but he was keen to assure me that he doesn't look or act his age. I slow down the messages at this stage as I wasn't impressed by the age lie. Then he starts messaging to tell me about a trip to Barcelona and he tells me that he sunbathed nude & then asks if I sunbathe nude & then decends into smut, so I blocked him!

1moreRep you could try a different style of profile pic or blurb ? what does yours say at the moment?

So, I read your comment, and thought instantly - no my profile is fine! I spent ages crafting it to accurately reflect who I am. And then I realised I put my job in there, and a little descriptor about how I'm a type of therapist who works with children and adolescents with physical disabilities. So I think there is my answer! It probably is attracting people, but not the ones who I want to attract.

Kinunir Those figures would suggest you are not boring at all. Perhaps it is the people you are talking to who are the boring ones?

So many first messages that say nothing other than 'hey'!! And I reply politely to them all! And try to drag conversation out of them. But it's like pulling teeth. And nobody asks questions in reply, and then I start to feel like April the Interrogator.

It's your prerogative to make choices while dating and to choose who to speak to, date, etc., but why are you picking people with 'difficulties' in the first place?

That's a good questions. Some people are quite open about their wounded souls in their profiles, and I am subconsciously attracted to them. I think it's my comfort zone, because of my professional background. Dating feels super scary to me. I've been with the same person my entire adult life, and I have no ability to flirt whatsoever. Also, because I'm an overweight middle-aged lady, it feels like perhaps I am only good enough for the wounded ones, not the sexy self-confident ones. Definitely something for me to think about further.

CoverMeLads if you want a distraction and sex, but no emotional connection yet, you could try a more hook-up type site?

I'm starting to realise that even though that's all I want, I feel uncomfortable being up front about that, possibly because of aforementioned body confidence issues and fearing people will shriek in horror and run in the other direction when I take my clothes off. I also want a few drinks with a person before I jump into bed with them ... some social lubrication if you will ... and the one purely hook-up I had ended up not having any of that preamble. It's helped me realise what I need to feel comfortable, but I don't know how to put that into words with people when we are planning to meet up.

This dating malarky is an exercise in self-awareness, that's for sure.
obviously, I am a mass of insecurities

April

I certainly glance at someone's profession when it is stated on a profile but don't really read much into it, especially when what I've written gives zero clues as to what I really do! Really, all I want to know is that they are employed. Beyond that, it is merely a potential talking point (but typically not a particularly interesting one).

I do like great conversation and, even though I'm a man, I often have the same issues with short/boring messages. Conclusion: they're not my type.

If dating feels scary then I'd argue a wounded soul is the last type you need to be interacting with. Go for someone with a bit of confidence instead as they'll impart at least some of it to you if you let them.

The flirting will come with time - what seems impossible today will definitely get easier and easier the more you do it. I actually think there is something endearing about someone who is a little shy about flirting.

Look back a few pages in this thread to see why weight and age are largely irrelevant - different people like different things.

If you feel you are not good enough then that is just a temporary self-limiting belief. It's not actually true and you will realise that very quickly if you allow yourself to.

If you feel uncomfortable about being upfront over what you want, remember it's a societal pressure that is, fortunately, diminishing over time. It's 2018 - you have every right to want what you want and to go for it without any hint of shame.

By the time your clothes are off, the inevitable will happen - no man will change his mind at the point. Besides, we're really very good at imagining what you look like naked within about 0.000001 seconds of first laying eyes on you at the beginning of the date.

Call it FWB+: a social side so it is sex with a degree of meaning that is acceptable to you, rather than just a shag. It works, I know, because I cannot do anything less than that or it just feels empty and hollow, especially after the physical side has been explored.

Self-awareness is good. You'll learn a lot about yourself. Enjoy that experience for there is nothing more liberating.

Kin that really is great advice.

I have an AIBU for fellow daters wisdom.

I'm wondering about Mr TV. Twas A levels results day yesterday and he knew that my DS had his coming out. He politely enquired how it had gone and I replied that we were on Plan B and it was all very stressful. He then wishes DS well and starts up about a work issue. Multiple messages about work issue & I'm thinking WTF, I'm up to my ears here with DS and bloody plan Z or wherever we'd got to - back off with your work issues! However, being terribly polite and well-bred, I just made vaguely sympathetic but very sparsely sent comments about his work issue. Is his concern with his own shit on a really massive day for me and DS a red flag or AIBU? He does have two older children of his own, who've both been to uni, so its not like he has no idea.

Margo it would depend how long you are chatting has he met your ds etc... the fact he asked was nice he probably expected you to talk some more about it if you wished.

Yes, we've had a date Chocolate.

Just one date Margo? If so, I'd say his avoidance of a deep conversation about your DS is probably appropriate at this stage. His waffling on about work sounds a bit, hmmm, I'll let you decide on an appropriate word for that...

LOL, sounds like I am being AIBU! I'll get back in my box.

It wasn't that I was expecting him to be super interested in DS & I only sent one message about A levels. I just wondered if the me, me, me whining about work, on a day that I've clearly said was stressful was a red flag?

We're all different Margo and one person's red flag means nothing to someone else.

Personally, if someone I'd been on one date with asked too many questions about my kids, I wouldn't like it! Likewise, I wouldn't want to hear all about their job either!

I really didn't want him to ask me questions about DS, so that was great that he didn't. I suppose I just thought, if I sent someone / anyone a message replying "We're on to Plan B, all incredibly stressful but I'm hanging in there" that I wouldn't then get 15 messages about a work issue!

However, you are right, what I think is a red flag, someone else may not! I'm probably over-thinking it.

New to this OLD (joined 1st site this week) chatting to a guy seemed ok traded photos and he disappears.
His account has now been deleted.
Just wanted a hand hold that he is probably married and just got caught out, rather than the horrifying possibility he was that disgusted with me he quit OLD forever.