Dating Thread 138: Hotter Than July

[CoverMeLads]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11.Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Having some more thoughts about my impending date and weekend away. And I wasn't sure where to ask, so I think here is probably good as we are pretty much all in the same situation.

Contraception....

Well I haven't used anything for the last 14 years, ex had a vascectomy and since he left I have been celibate for 3 years. I am 48, but am still all functional in the making babies department, or so says my gynae after a recent check up. So, if you don't mind, what do you all do? Obviously a condom is necessary if its a hook up, but what form of contraception are you using, now in 2018 . As i am not sure just a condom is good enough. And, how do you go about the condom discussion?? On my most recent experiences I had to request once, but the other times they just appeared.

Help a novice out.

(I know 48 year old asking contraceptive advice facepalm)

i do think that likes attracts like- i attract outdoor and gym focussed people

I think this as well.

I do think that like attracts like

Where do I find filthy, pizza-loving Jeremy Kyle fan?

Condoms all the way here highlighta.

I carry both latex and latex-free with me these days (ex-boy scout) but, you probably shouldn't assume every man has come equipped, so to speak, so have some of your own on hand too.

Never fret over a discussion on contraception - if a bloke isn't happy to talk about it, in the moment or in advance, bin him.

Rich - I spent 5 weeks messaging a bloke. I learned a lot about he details of his life and he came across as utterly wonderful. On the date, he played it way too safe. I made the effort to look gorgeous and he didn’t pay me a single compliment. We chatted for 4 hours but there was no hint of flirting. I sent him a message and said I felt he saw me as a friend only, which was fine (I was disappointed really). He said he didn’t want to give unwanted attention but found me attractive and interesting. So, I think it’s important to be respectful but not too conservative.

if you think 'outdoor' is interest related rather than body type. But 'Gym focussed' is more body type, unless you count it as something you can talk about and do together. But then again, I like going to the gym and can bore people with my weights and reps....I wouldn't suggest we go together on a date though!

everyone has different experiences

highlighta in my book, condoms are non negotiable. Get some and don't rely on the man to supply. If used correctly they are apparently 98% effective. If you want to double up on contraception, which you don't need to, then look at other options on top.

But the STD protection is a paramount issue for me. I recently spoke to a guy on OLD who said he preferred not to use them, but would if I insisted. He was sleeping with other women. I told him that was too high risk a behaviour for me. I didn't want to be insisting knowing he didn't want to.

Perhaps there comes a time, when you are exclusive and both have had STD checkups, that you decide to go au naturel, but that's a future decision.

Thank you. It's definitely a massive problem of mine, I've always had problems flirting and being confident enough to make my intentions clear.

I have had dates that have ended up with one night stands but usually it has been one of those Friday night dates where you get blind drunk and I do go for it.

Another problem I have is when I do really fancy someone I often wonder what they must see in me and automatically think they are out of my league.

My last actual relationship of sorts: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3260864-Ex-wants-to-be-friends-but-Im-heartbroken
We spent over a week chatting before actually meeting and did seem to get on so well before we did actually meet, she was obviously on the rebound at the time so she kind of took the lead although I did make the move first and kissed her within half hour of our first date but with her everything just seemed so easy.

Milo your experience, is one of the reasons I refuse to enter into protracted messaging before a date. I'm really up front about it these days and after a few days of messages, which I reply to super slowly, I will tell them I'm not into long-term messaging and ask if they want to meet up.

I used to message for ages thinking a date would be out there somewhere at some point but I think some blokes just want pen pals. I'm sure the same goes for some women too. They want a cyber relationship for whatever reason & that's absolutely fine, but it isn't what I'm looking for.

rich, I'm not massively keen on overt flirting on a first date. I'm meeting a total stranger for the first time, so I expect them to be respectful of my personal space. That doesn't mean I don't want them to make good eye contact and pay me some kind of compliment - doesn't have to be about how I look, in fact I'd rather it was about me as a person - but ultimately I am just looking to see if there is a connection that could be taken forward. I wonder if it is because I is old (heading towards 50)? When I online dated 12 or so years back, I think I'd have wanted more overt flirtation.

I feel (because of my own age) to say you are absolutely not old Margo. In fact, you are positively young.

Another problem I have is when I do really fancy someone I often wonder what they must see in me and automatically think they are out of my league.

And therein lies the issue.

As per previous messages today, people like what they like. There are no leagues.

Having read the post you linked to, it appears you have a lot to offer but you don't believe that yourself.

Understand your worth, accept that everyone has insecurities, own yours and embrace them, work on them and don't let them control you or limit your horizons.

With hard work, nothing is impossible and no-one is better than you. They are just different.

rich everything kin said in spades

your lack of confidence is most likely sabotaging you. Work on that. Believe in your own worth. And then sparkle!

Thanks Kinunir.

I guess it's always been a problem of mine. Women have always only really ever seen me as a friend hence getting friendzoned a lot and suffering tons of rejection throughout my 20s has kind of led me to this mindset. I am trying to work on it and did have some CBT back in 2013 which helped to an extent but obviously it hasn't done enough. The last relationship which I linked to really hit me for six as well but I'm doing a bit better than I was a month ago.

The last relationship which I linked to really hit me for six as well but I'm doing a bit better than I was a month ago.

I don't want to punch someone when they may still be down but can you see how your current lack of confidence links to that, a relationship that almost everyone would tell you was not worthy of the man you are?

I don't tend to think of confidence per se, because it is too encompassing, but I can tell you I was a chronic introvert as a teenager. I accepted it and decided to do something about it - pushing myself into all sorts of situations that made me feel uncomfortable, from networking my way into an entirely new industry to public speaking in front of a few thousand people.

I'd still say I'm a shy man, faking it until I make it. Most of the people who know me would say that's rubbish and I'm not shy at all. Maybe I've worked my way to want I always wanted to be?

If so, what's holding you back?

So in regard to the photos...I only have a few on my profile but by some wierd and wonderful quirk of fate I look very much younger and nicer than I am in photos..everyone says it.( not the nice bit lol) I'm just wondering if in real life people get a bit of a shock...😔 Thoughts??

I messaged him this morning suggesting a 2nd date and I’m yet to hear back but he’s read my message 😬

He's just playing it cool now Who (games!) - sit tight until he replies...

Whoknows11 I think you have the following options:

1. He is ridiculously busy and hasn't had time to get back to you - but he will
2. He isn't sure if he wants to take this further and is busy, so hasn't got back to you yet
3. He isn't that interested in another date and doesn't know how to say it.
4. He is rude and is ghosting you

I would not send any further messages now. If you haven't heard by the end of the week, then you're probably looking at option 3 or 4.

Has he been in touch at all since the date?

@margolovebutter I’m loving your options!

Yes I’ve heard from him since our date on sat night. When we said goodbye we gave each other a kiss on the cheek and I said ‘see you soon’ and he said ‘yes definiteky’!

I then asked him whilst we were texting the next day if he thought we clicked to which he said he thought we had!

I know he’s a busy man but surely he could reply - it doesn’t take that long!!

I agree whoknows reading a message and not replying is just rude.
It takes a minute to reply.

Cover there are single groups on FB linked to various hobbies/interests, some are more like ‘meet up’ type groups (people looking for friendship), I’m on 3 or 4 different groups but it’s mostly the same people in these groups. I’ve been chatting to one guy for a couple days now, been following him a little bit on the group, he’s a bit shy but messaged me first, he’s never been married and doesn’t have kids, not sure if this is a red flag or not?

So 20-odd "This or that" messages sent. Two replies. One has fizzled out. The other the girl deleted her profile before I could read it.

Would anyone like to take over my account and prove it's not just me?

highlighta

I am just getting back in to the dating scene although only looking for fun at the moment.
I was married for 17 years and have always looked after my own contraception as there is no way I want to have another child.

I have the implant in my arm, its fab although some people have issues, needs changing every 3 years so no remembering to take a tablet every day.

I would second/third/fourth about taking your own condoms with you - you cant rely on a man to always have them when the urge takes us.

Good luck

Dan89 I don't think you have given them enough time, personally I don't check my messages or OLD sites until the evening as I work in the day time.

Maybe give it another 24 hrs.

dan only 20? You don't live in a big city so your pool is limited. Swipe right on everyone who doesn't repulse you. Message 100 or more. Don't expect more than a 5% response rate. And out of those most will fizzle out. Out of those left, you may meet 2 or 3. Remember, you are only looking for one girlfriend prospect. She will be one of those in the initial 100+ but you just don't know who yet.

It's a numbers game.

Make sure you have some witty replies ready to any responses you get, so the convo starts off well.