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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating Thread 138: Hotter Than July

999 replies

CoverMeLads · 06/08/2018 19:51

Dating thread rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11.Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

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6
Pringlecat · 13/08/2018 15:37

Getting past a second date is hard.

I agree re not spending a lot - if we arrive at the same time, I would expect my date to buy me a drink. If we arrive different times, paying separately is fine because in the social context, that makes sense. I would always be prepared to split a bill, but I'd feel a bit put out at the meanness of having to pay for a solitary coffee. I do like to be treated the first time, but only if it's a very low cost and I'm sure I want to see the guy again. (With frankly is rare these days, so I'll often fight to pay.)

For me, letting a guy treat me means I will see him again for a second date and take my turn in treating him that time.

DaffoDeffo · 13/08/2018 15:48

bendy I knew him a year before we went out. We started off as friends and it developed from there. There was always a little spark though, started off little and got bigger as the year went on! Other ex I knew for 6 months. Takes me a LONG time to warm up to men. I am fundamentally unsuited to online dating I think because of that. It's why I find it so hard to know whether I like someone or not as chances are it's going to be date 8/9/10 if not more before I really have an idea.

But I do look for that little spark. Teeny tiny one lol.

I think a tent on my own in the pissing rain is the safest place for me ;)

CaveDivingbelle · 13/08/2018 15:49

I've been doing it wrong..we've been meeting up for meals! I paid for the one yesterday as he paid the first. At least we balanced out I guess. So basically the protocol is coffee date first?

MaggieMuggins · 13/08/2018 15:54

Daffo Based on what you have said I would agree to a second date. But remember it's his choice only to date one person at a time, so he needs to do more to convince you that he is worth investing. It's a no-lose situation for you if you aren't that fussed either way at the moment.

Choc That is lovely, and just what I needed to hear. Well, all of us did I expect :-)

Talking of seeing people you know, I saw 2 men of my acquaintance on Bumble over the weekend. One was a shock as I thought he was happily loved up (has 2 small kids) but looking at his Facebook page he seems to be going off the rails a bit which suggests they've split up. Shame as he is a lovely person.

The other one is a friend of a friend who I know for a FACT is seeing someone. I don't know him well enough to call him out and so I swiped left, but am very curious to know if he swiped on me. I unfriended him from Fb a while back as we've only met once. What a cad!

Kinunir · 13/08/2018 15:55

So basically the protocol is coffee date first?

I tend to go with coffee or drinks early in the day/evening so it can be a quick date if no spark, but with an option of extending if it's going well.

It doesn't even need to be that though - being near London I've gone for a walk along the Thames, or met at a free museum before.

I certainly wouldn't be planning dinner with someone I haven't met before - that's a commitment of a couple of hours with someone you may not even like.

MargoLovebutter · 13/08/2018 15:59

Cave, we're probably all a bit different but I simply cannot be arsed to invest more time than I have to in someone I may not like. I always aim for a coffee or a drink on first dates. That has morphed into several drinks and / or dinner sometimes if I like them enough & they suggest it but I always position it along the lines of "yes, lets have a quick drink/coffee to see if there is any connection between us in real life".

I make no more effort than I would for a drink with a work colleague or girlfriend and generally speaking expect them to head in my direction or meet half way.

If you don't make a massive effort then you are less likely to feel crappy if nothing comes of it - or at least that's the way it works for me!

Pringlecat · 13/08/2018 16:22

I always go for coffee (or a drink) first as that's low pressure and low cost for both sides - it's easy to get away if either of you have serious reservations. With dinner, you can feel trapped.

I may make an effort with my clothes, makeup and hair, but I don't make an effort with the venue, if you know what I mean. I did previously use to take dates to cool places if I could wangle an invite (let's just say I know people) but now I just don't bloody think any of them are worth the effort. Coffee. That's all they're getting until I can figure out if we tolerate each other.

If all of your first dates are fancy meals, blimey, that's going to get expensive fast. No wonder you're fed up!

DaffoDeffo · 13/08/2018 16:53

Yes I agree, I only do coffee or a drink, normally a drink as it's after work. Firstly in case it's shit, you don't have to stay long and secondly it doesn't cost much! I also do a pretty loud shitty bar I know well - mainly because it's easy to disappear and make an excuse that it's too loud;).

Have only ever done one meal for a first date (this sunday) and I ummed and ahhed about that but there was no other time that worked for me other than lunch time and I was hungry and even then, I did a quick and easy place.

Yes don't whatever you do spend a lot on first dates. Can see why you'd get pissed off quick with that.

VixenSixen · 13/08/2018 17:47

I went in a meal for a first date once and it was a disaster- world's most boring date and then I felt bad he'd brought dinner and he asked if we could go for another drink - so we did but I insisted on paying.

I've not done it since..... coffee date or quick drink is the way forward. X

CaveDivingbelle · 13/08/2018 18:10

Thanks all. I'm going to follow your tried and trusted advice. it's so hard to actually let anyone down even if it doesn't feel right... then they end up ditching me!! But it will be walks and coffee in future, Im going to wise up!

MyUsername200 · 13/08/2018 18:18

I've been lurking a lot lately but haven't posted for a while as I took a break from OLD but have decided to reactivate my profiles.

I have one iron, will call him MrRunning as that's one of his hobbies. Have exchanged numbers after a few lengthy messages on POF. Will see what happens but he's bloody gorgeous and I want to meet him now Grin he also wants a relationship which is great as that's what I'm looking for.

DaffoDeffo · 13/08/2018 18:22

As if by magic, Mr Music has cried off. Again a potentially genuine reason but 3 times in a row, pointless . Not sure why men do this! Why even bother trying to set something up - such a waste of brain space!

DaffoDeffo · 13/08/2018 18:32

before I subject myself to isolation in my tent, I am pondering whether to do a paid site again before I try tinder.

is anyone on Match and do they think it's worth it?

DaffoDeffo · 13/08/2018 18:35

am going to delete POF as I am just getting nowhere with it tbh. A month and a bit and not one message from anyone in my age range really :). So that just leaves Bumble and I think I do need one more site potentially :).

Cakecrumbs · 13/08/2018 18:36

esk1mo I'm not into hook ups but I was seriously tempted by one guy from New York that was gorgeous! To be honest I think he was just looking for someone to see a show with!
I am having zero luck these daysConfused
Can't even get a chat going. Seems much harder than it was last year!

BendyLikeBeckham · 13/08/2018 19:47

Daffo with the long time it takes you to feel attraction, why are you umming and ahhing over 2nd dates? I'd think you would be in it for at least the length of time/number of dates you usually need to feel it?

Sorry to hear about Mr Music again. 3 times a flake? Rightly bin!! I hate it when people mess me about, it's so disrespectful.

A general note to everyone who is finding it hard to find good people on OLD, it doesn't always end up that way. I've found it really easy and had a lot of success (just being honest, not boasting). I have had to dial it back now as I've just got too many irons on my plate. It really helps living in or near a big city. OKC has been the best site for me. And its free.

I'm middle aged, short, fat and average looking. There is hope for everyone!

Positivity and being relaxed about it helps!

DaffoDeffo · 13/08/2018 20:09

Hi Bendy, think I know when it's a no pretty quickly. It's knowing whether a maybe goes to a yes that's the issue. There are two people that are definitely maybes - Mr Sex who is back this week and I'm seeing Friday and Mr Northern who I would like to see again when I'm back from camping. Mr Northern is probably my top prospect. At the end of the date, if he'd reached in for a snog, I probably would have done and that's pretty big for me lol.

The guy on Sunday confused me probably because he didn't look like I thought he would. I know he didn't deliberately deceive me with his photos but I do have an issue with people who hide what they really look like.

I think my issue is time pressure. I'm back to work soon and then it's very very hard for me to do a lot of dating so I'd rather be choosy only because I'm limited in what I can fit in.

I'll have a look at OK Cupid and see what it's like! Thanks.

BendyLikeBeckham · 13/08/2018 20:21

daffo I hear you. Lack of time is a killer!

Badoo is more prolific for me than OKC, but you get more wankers.

MaggieMuggins · 13/08/2018 20:23

Good advice bendy.

Things have picked up for me - decided to ask MrCredit for a coffee and he said yes so meeting on Thurs. Still chatting to some others and not sweating any of it!

It seems to be feast or famine on this OLD lark, guess we just have to learn patience...

BendyLikeBeckham · 13/08/2018 20:32

maggie sounds good

daffo I always try and snog on the first date. It's my litmus test for sexual attraction (and technique/compatibility). That's where you are going wrong! lol

Kinunir · 13/08/2018 20:35

I always try and snog on the first date. It's my litmus test for sexual attraction (and technique/compatibility). That's where you are going wrong! lol

I have a feeling many on here will disagree but I'm the same. In fact, I take a lack of snog as a sign that the date went badly. But then I do tend to view things in a very black and white way.

MargoLovebutter · 13/08/2018 20:49

Aw, envious of you first time snoggers! I can’t remember the last time I felt that attracted to someone.

DaffoDeffo · 13/08/2018 20:58

Crikey I'd be horrified if some of my first dates tried to snog me Shock

but some of them I would positively welcome it Grin

I have snogged once on a first date (Mr Sex) but then again, Mr Sex would have gone the whole way on the first date had I let him. Naughty man. Mr Northern I actually would have done but we got to the station and he was so much taller than me, I couldn't quite grip him in the right way and then I ran for my train Wink. Will hopefully get him next time.

Bloke1 who went on to be FWB also thinks that if he doesn't snog on first date it isn't right (and we didn't).

I'm definitely not that forthright!

I probably would have shagged Mr Music the eejit. But he is clearly a serial player/liar and I can't be doing with that.

CoverMeLads · 13/08/2018 21:13

Ignoring I do love it up there, but a) my job is the main source of security I currently have and it’s here b) where I live is brilliant for the motorway network and airport and c) family, what’s left of it, is here too.
But never say never.

I did message Mr It’s Grim Up, who was most effusive in his liking of my face and keen to pursue something although the distance would mean casual by its nature. Um, no.

ColdLocation IMO (and IME) family dramas that prevent meeting up are, I would say, 80% bogus. Too much information. What’s wrong with “I’m so sorry, that time isn’t good for me now; but it’d really like to meet you, how about X?”

I’ve decided against meeting HF, but I’ll not make a family emergency up. If the fucker messages me again, of course, see below.

Pud define “encouraging” 😈

Hey Vixen, good to see you back. If memory serves you’re roughly my age and in the West Mids, no? Good luck on Weds 👍🏻

Musicaltheatremum welcome and also jazz hands 😀 Tell us more about Silver Singles? Any traffic? Of the non-Zimmer variety?
I thought about a couple of niche sites, but my concern is that there would be a very small pool to fish in. So I continue to sift through the silt on POF

Pringle with you on beards. I thought I hated them (my Dad had a sort of Satanist type round the mouth goatee thing. He wasn’t one, btw 👍🏻) and avoided kissing ALL bearded men til Mr Yowzer grew a 6 month one every year and I was unexpectedly all “please do apply that to my lady parts now” in the cooler months. So I’m open. But not a hipster Victorian lose a badger in it type affair. Fuck that shit.

Vet “naughty” reminds me of a specific Pipkins episode involving Hartley Hare and a hand puppet named Michael. Equally unsexy as Barbara Windsor thrusting her tits in Jim Dale’s face, I’m guessing, but less leverage at the box office.
Mr DM is a dick beyond dicks and good work with Mr Plane. Your bar needs to be Olympic high jump high, chica.

Esk I reckon if you’re after a causal encounter, there could be some... wait for it.... Fringe benefits (I crack myself up). Do please report in if so. Never had the word “vicarious” been more appropriate.

Daffo ah... the fat thing. It’s tough. I’m (still, dammit) an 18 and thus avoid full length pics like the plague, esp as my face is OK and I’m pretty good to talk to, once you talk to me. All my pics are recent, and I will make sure I let whomever know that, yeah, I ain’t thin, so I avoid the situation you described.
I do get why people aren’t going to share a hideously unflattering photo (although my POF inbox houses some right doozies), but I also get that they need to check that the person they meet isn’t going to go “who the fuck are YOU???” on first sight.Thankfully no one has ever yet run away screaming when they clock my “curves” and 90% ask for a second date, it I’m still reluctant to do the full body shot.

Oh yeah: Mr Music is toast, right? And I tried Match, not worth the money. Hate to say it but I don’t think paying will get you anyone a free site won’t: they’re all on POF IMO.

Kin I’ve had 4 non drivers in a row now, 2 more on Bumble, hence my ennui when I posted. Plus a promising guy in fucking CARDIFF. So when I posted that last I was......vexed. But there is a guy on Bumble now that I am almost indecently attracted to who has so much in common with me it’s frightening. Frightening because even saying that means he must slide away mid conversation, as all promising irons do.
If he’s still messaging me in 24 hours and we get to a date, I will, o word of a lie, buy the thread champagne. OK, or champagne Aldi organic prosecco cos that stuff is tasty. And cheap.

Queen alcoholics are rarely harmless in the long run. I married one; it didn’t end well. Next? Better! Just keep going. Please remind me I said this in a week or so....😀

Cave there’s no protocol, honestly; whatever works for you. Many of us go for coffee first because it’s a shorter meeting and has less... coupliness (that’s so not a word,it even looks wrong written down) ad is so much easier to end. I always plan something post date so I HAVE to leave around 60-90mins and I make sure they know that. I figure if there’s no spark then it’s a natural end, but if there IS a spark (thank you JAYSUS) then there is a nice build up for the next date. This is why I like coffee (in a cafe or pub) and to drive: absolutely no chance of breaking that boundary.

Maggie that’s shitty on their parts. “Cad” is such a god word, though; we should use it more often. It reminds me of Terry-Thomas and Leslie Phillips, both attractive in their way (did I just type that???)

Waves at Margo I think I may have found a potential snogee on Bumble as referenced above. I’m going to call him Mr Thaw for such convicted reasons that I won’t remember tomorrow, probably, but fuck me backwards, physically he is HELL TO THE YES, intellectually he’s interesting and could educate me on much and he makes me laugh. Already.this can only go badly wrong can’t it?

OP posts:
CoverMeLads · 13/08/2018 21:18

If I had a penny for every typo in the above,idea have at least....11p right now.

OP posts: