How to respond to this message? Not sure what to do about this friendship.

[1981m]

I have posted about this before and was pretty much told to leave things with my friend but there has been developments since so posting again.

Basically, I had a friend I considered my best friend since uni, so 15 years now. We were close at uni and went out regularly and this continued once we left uni as we lived 45 mins away. Our dh s got close too and we spent holidays, nye abs birthdays together. I wasn't her bridesmaid but she kindly explained why but she was mine.

Anyway, As the years went by the friendship became very one sided, or so I felt. All the effort was made by me and the periods without seeing each other got longer. I would ring with no call back but she still seemed keen to meet up on my suggestion and we got on like there had been no time between meet ups when we did.

Once she had dcs it got worse. Her replies to text messages were abrupt and no enquiry about what's going on in my life. I felt like she didn't care. When I tried to arrange visits was told she was busy. It turned into yearly meet ups at her ds birthday party, she couldn't come to my ds birthday. There was no call when I had my dcs and no suggestion of a visit when I had dd (2015) until I asked her to come. When she did it seemed reluctantly. No birthday cards or presents exchanged for years.

I decided to let the friendship go but it was very hard for me. I began to accept she didn't value me or see our friendship as deep as I had. I was very upset but knew I needed to stop making all the effort as her responses were making me feel like shit. When we met she would always say we should meet more, she values our friendship, would hate to loose touch- but I felt it was all words. No effort made on her part to ensure this. Birthday message sent by me just simple thanks, message to say found out sex of dd was that's nice reply.

Out the blue we were invited to a special occasion. I was unsure about going but did. This was a huge realisation of where I stood in her life. I wasn't expecting to have a role in the event but rightly or wrongly was shocked and upset by her choice of person who was involved. Someone she had told me she hadn't spoken to in a year, hadn't had as much contact with as me. I also realised she had had every friend involved in significant events in her life except me.

I decided to totally stop contact and let the friendship burn out. I was not willing to carry on with it being so one sided, don't see the point of seeing each other once a year and realised I meant little to her. Declined an invite for another special occasion for her, honest reason couldn't go, which she wanted to know exact details why and that's when said didn't want to loose friendship etc.

Not heard from her since March. Out the blue message today asking to meet up as in summer hols now. No asking how I am or kids or anything, just fancy meeting up.

What shall I do?

Just don't reply. It's for the best.

Did she propose some dates ? Honestly, I’d say hi, lovely to hear from her, hope she’s well but that I am away over that period; I wouldn’t bother rekindling the relationship

She sounds like a fair weather friend, if shes good company and you think youll have a good time maybe give it a go.

OR, you know her well enough that the kids are driving her crazy and you are just serving as a distraction.

Basically, do what YOU want to do,

If you want to sever ties more formally, you can do a kiss off text saying you are in different places with kids being different stages/work commitments etc.

If you genuinely don't want the friendship to continue just don't reply and she'll probably get the message although it sounds like she is trying

I know daisy chain. I struggle with friendships and she was my oldest and I thought closest friend. We have so much history. I don't have any other long term friends like her but I am trying to make new ones. It's hard to let go. I want to be friends but not with the friendship she's been offering. I feel if I talked to her about it she would say all the right things but nothing would change. Perhaps I should tell her how I feel but she has a way of making me feel stupid for my feelings and I think she's totally clueless I feel this way.

There's nothing to be gained from going back here. Just say what Shylo says and move on. She repeatedly rejected you, no need to go back for another round!

Just ignore the message.

So why is she bothering to contact me? I feel it is because she's looked around her and realised she doesn't have many old friends. She goes months/year without talking to people.

I should have let go years ago when she said outright to me she should have had x as her bridesmaid, which wasn't me and said people she could ring in emergency in middle of night was x,y,z which also wasn't me. Maybe she felt I wasn't a good friend to her though or wasn't there for her, maybe she didn't realise I thought we were close.

This situation is the story of my life. I always value people and want a deeper friendship than others do.

No dates suggested no. She did this during the last school holiday. Told me we must meet up, would hate to loose the friendship etc etc but no reply to my reply and no suggestion of any dates.

Dh thinks she's getting her dh to contact my dh to meet up too. My dh said me and her are being 'funny ' with each other and her dh agreed didn't know what going on.

Do you want to meet up? Will you have a good time?

If you want to meet her do so. If you don’t then tell her you’re busy maybe next time.

Maybe she doesn't understand why you've not been contacting her so much.

The truth is she could just be busy, have a lot of shit going on, other friends who have become closer, that's just stuff that happens, and isn't a slight on you.

The problem here is if the friendship she's offering at this stage in her life isn't enough for you, you need to just be distant, say sure then neglect to find a date.

Or if you value the friendship, which I think you do, then accept it will be more sporadic and distant and it is ok for her to have closer friends than you.

It seems for you it's all or nothing, which would be a shame, that you can't view it lightly and meet up when you both have time, accept she has other friends too, who may now be closer. If you can't do that, then just distance yourself nicely.

I suspect you do want to remain friends with her, providing she isn’t flakey.

Why don’t you the bulls by the horns and fix a date. Suggest x or y and see what she says.

These situations are very hard. I would go back with, "sure, let me know when suits" and leave it to her to do the running this time. I'm still waiting for a suggestion for a Christmas catch up from when I had a similar text from a former friend.

It sounds like you want to stay friends but need to change your expectations if you can. If you can accept this is a friendship that will only see once or twice a year but you enjoy her company then you will be less disappointed. I understand where your coming from about wanting deeper friendships and I was also like that but I've come to realise some people don't want that and that is fine too. I think either way you should talk about why you feel like this and get some closure whether that means you stay friends or not. At least you know what's happened about why you were not involving in special events and where you stand. You can then make an informed choices about how you want this friendship to proceed.

She's a teacher isn't she? I remember your original thread and tbh she sounded like an arsenal then, always moaning to you etc.

Do NOT go running x

I'd be honest with her actually. What do you have to loose at this point?

Bluntness- yes exactly, you are right. She is busy I know. She has a demanding job and told me previously a close family member has cancer. But she has all the school
Holidays free and I have asked her to meet up each time and got a she's busy.

But this is always her reason for the long time with no contact. She tells me x, y, z is going on, she values our friendship etc, I feel bad for feeling the way I do, except she's just busy and it's ok for a while. Then feel she doesn't care again and so it continues in a circle. I need to break that cycle.

Yes- I do want to be friends but not as the friendship has been the last 6/7 years. I have accepted in the past she's busy, we will see each other from time to time, messaging in between and it's been like old friends when we have met up. But over time I ve realised how low on her priority list I am. The family event she invited me to was such a realisation. I am not willing to be treated like she doesn't care about me but if she changed and began making more effort and I felt valued then I am happy to be friends. I just don't want to be pulled into the cycle again. Each time it's upsetting me. I ask myself what I get out the friendship- nothing!

I wouldn't bother. In my experience when 'friends' like this all of a sudden want to meet up you will find they want something from you.

ASAS- yes, you have a good memory. I sort myself out, let it go and she pulls me back.

I think from her point of view she would say I did the moaning, she would always ask me why I am negative. I probably did go through a low period, she never offered advice, I felt she criticised my parenting, but I ve changed now.

Reluctant to tell her. I don't want to get into long conversation. She ll tell me she does value friendship, will make more effort, make me feel stupid for feeling this way etc. Then the same things will continue. I have told her how I feel previously.

I would not respond. She has treated you badly. You have told her how she makes you feel and then continued to do the same. One sided friendships are just draining. Let it go.

Going through something kind of similar myself right now, it's shit isn't it.

I've decided to stop trying, and to treat her like an outer circle friend (polite and friendly when we happen to see eachother).

Hard to do as she's my oldest friend, but when you're constantly second guessing and questioning cold behaviour, it's not a healthy relationship.

Could your friend be jealous of your happiness/life/relationship?

I think the problem is that her words don't match up with her actions. Remember all the cliched proverbs? Actions speak louder than words?

Well, look at her actions, and decide whether you want to be friends with her based on how she treats you. Not on flowery words about how much your friendship means to her. If she meant it, she'd make an effort. Basic things like what's your newborn's name? how are you doing?

It sounds like you have valued and prioritised the friendship much more but your friend just sees you as another general friend. If things are convenient from her perspective and it fits in with her own schedule, fine but she seems less bothered about about making an effort into meeting up if you have made the arrangements ( unless she’s at a loose end ie.filling up time for her kids and herself during the holidays, hence perhaps the recent contact from her?).

Friendship for me has to be 2 way, or having some give and take. When things feel continually one sided, maybe it’s helpful to take a step back as you’ve done. Let her do a bit more of the chasing and if she offers a potential date, consider whether it’s worth getting together but don’t expect her to prioritise you as it doesn’t sound like you are particularly high up on her friendship list given some the examples you have mentioned.

I think you've answered your own question with your last post.
If you think you aren't getting anything out of the friendship then what is the point of putting yourself through the anguish of starting it all up again?
I had a 'friend' like this and it was only after it all eventually fizzled out that I could look back on it and see it for what it was and actually just how little I meant to that person.
She is no longer in my life and I can honestly say I don't miss her. I made other, wonderful friends who have shown me what a true friendship is really like.
Don't let her treat you like a throw away commodity op, you're worth much more than that

Everyone is busy, but it sounds like the issue here is more about respect, and basic decency.
If you're not happy with what she's been offering over the past few years, maybe it's time to take a break from her. A noncommittal reply like "that sounds nice", or whatever she uses when you suggest meeting up might be the best option.