How to respond to this message? Not sure what to do about this friendship.

[1981m]

I have posted about this before and was pretty much told to leave things with my friend but there has been developments since so posting again.

Basically, I had a friend I considered my best friend since uni, so 15 years now. We were close at uni and went out regularly and this continued once we left uni as we lived 45 mins away. Our dh s got close too and we spent holidays, nye abs birthdays together. I wasn't her bridesmaid but she kindly explained why but she was mine.

Anyway, As the years went by the friendship became very one sided, or so I felt. All the effort was made by me and the periods without seeing each other got longer. I would ring with no call back but she still seemed keen to meet up on my suggestion and we got on like there had been no time between meet ups when we did.

Once she had dcs it got worse. Her replies to text messages were abrupt and no enquiry about what's going on in my life. I felt like she didn't care. When I tried to arrange visits was told she was busy. It turned into yearly meet ups at her ds birthday party, she couldn't come to my ds birthday. There was no call when I had my dcs and no suggestion of a visit when I had dd (2015) until I asked her to come. When she did it seemed reluctantly. No birthday cards or presents exchanged for years.

I decided to let the friendship go but it was very hard for me. I began to accept she didn't value me or see our friendship as deep as I had. I was very upset but knew I needed to stop making all the effort as her responses were making me feel like shit. When we met she would always say we should meet more, she values our friendship, would hate to loose touch- but I felt it was all words. No effort made on her part to ensure this. Birthday message sent by me just simple thanks, message to say found out sex of dd was that's nice reply.

Out the blue we were invited to a special occasion. I was unsure about going but did. This was a huge realisation of where I stood in her life. I wasn't expecting to have a role in the event but rightly or wrongly was shocked and upset by her choice of person who was involved. Someone she had told me she hadn't spoken to in a year, hadn't had as much contact with as me. I also realised she had had every friend involved in significant events in her life except me.

I decided to totally stop contact and let the friendship burn out. I was not willing to carry on with it being so one sided, don't see the point of seeing each other once a year and realised I meant little to her. Declined an invite for another special occasion for her, honest reason couldn't go, which she wanted to know exact details why and that's when said didn't want to loose friendship etc.

Not heard from her since March. Out the blue message today asking to meet up as in summer hols now. No asking how I am or kids or anything, just fancy meeting up.

What shall I do?

She isn't going to change into the person you would like her to be. The only reason you've been friends in the past is probably because you've made all the effort and compromising and made allowances.

The situation will reoccur, time and time again. Don't put yourself through it. You are not her priority, she has shown that so many times. Why bother with someone who makes you feel 'shit'...in your own words. This person feels self important, is rude and selfish. Walk away, you have nothing to gain keeping in touch with her, only more of the same. She is a toxic friend.

I've been going through this over the past two years, and have gradually had to recognise that I'm not as important to my friend as I thought I was. We used to see each other every couple of months, but recently the arrangements have made it clear that she's just squeezing me into a small amount of time, and trying to combine it with other things she has going on. It's been really confusing and painful , until I suddenly realised she's not my 'best friend' any more, and if I want friendships in my life I need to spend time with other people, and that maybe my expectations were too high.

As far as the message goes, I agree with PPs who say don't take her up on it. You will feel better if you take some control back.

I wouldn't bother with her. She's put you on the back burner with just a little prod now and then in case you're needed at a later date.

Not good enough and will harm your self-esteem. Give her the boot x

What's that saying -

Don't make someone a priority to whom you are only an option.

I feel for you op. I'm in a very similar position with someone I thought was a long time, solid friend. Turns out not.

Bloody hurts. So hard to let go 💐

Exactly as Blue says - put the ball back in her court.....to give you time to detach.

Friends come into your life for a season, a reason or a lifetime. She is the former. Look back and cherish your memories from uni etc but don’t let those be tarnished by trying to flog a dead horse.

Ignore her words - judge her actions.

Some people think they have to be polite all the time - she sounds like one of those. Free your headspace by cutting out this negativity so that you have room for positivity to proactively attract and make new friends for this chapter of your life.

waitbutwhy.com/2014/12/10-types-odd-friendships-youre-probably-part.html

Reply to her and say “lovely, let me know when you’re free to meet up.” And then don’t respond if she actually does come back with a date.

So why is she bothering to contact me

I'd suspect it's because she doesn't want to be ditched by you, she'll probably do the ditching herself. Don't set yourself up for a fall with her.

She's not a good friend, offers no value to your life, places others above you at every opportunity. It's time to cut it loose.

No reply is needed.

I don’t see this in the same way as most on this thread. She’s busy, probably doesn’t see many friends and your friendship has changed.

I go months and months without seeing friends. Met up with some yesterday (college friends) that I probably haven’t seen for 5 years and we were close at college. I liked that we’re still comfortable with each other despite the lack of contact.

I haven’t seen my oldest (since we were 18 months old) ‘bestest’ friend for months although she doesn’t live that far away. We’re both busy. When we meet up it’s like we’re teens again. Our friendship is so old we don’t need constant contact to maintain it.

I feel like that about all my good friends (see hardly any of them regularly - but when I do the depth is still there.

I'd suspect it's because she doesn't want to be ditched by you, she'll probably do the ditching herself.

Power and control, very immature stuff, she has not grown up, it's all toddler ego. I have come across many a Teacher who has got power and control issues.

The truth is that this once a year, no birthday cards, no real contact type of friendship doesn’t satisfy you. You are too different. Plus your attendance at that special event made it clear that she is in contact with other friends (she must be to include them) so it is you that she’s taking for granted. This friendship isn’t really a friendship is it? It’s acquaintance level really and you have invested much more time and energy and mental energy into this. She simply doesn’t give a shit. You can’t make somebody want you. She doesn’t. The summer hols meet up message is classic. I’ve got a pal who is a teacher and she sends that same message to everybody she knows a few days after term ends and then fills her calendar from the replies. It’s a convenience. She probably sent that same text to 20 other people. Just don’t reply. Start spending your time/energy building new and fulfilling friendships. If shit hit the fan in your life, she wouldn’t drop everything and come see you. She is a fair weather friend. The worst kind!

Op, It very much appears as if she likes making you dance the friends equivalent of the 'pick me dance'.

I'd just leave it alone now and not even reply to her. You've done enough already.

this is my advice and I didn't do it when I had a strange friendship situation and always regret it. I think be honest tell her exactly how you feel and see what she says and maybe it will change maybe not but at least for you you will know you tried and can move on without always wondering. I think from your post you sound a bit like me and will always be left wondering what happened.

I feel like that about all my good friends (see hardly any of them regularly - but when I do the depth is still there

Im exactly the same Devilish but I do wonder how much of a people person I am.

Hows you're boy doing by the way? Mine is having an awful summer due to still being heart sore 4 summers after we had to stop his summer holidays due to his overall mental health/autism/tourettes/frontal lobe epilepsy. To be honest I doubt he'll every come to terms with it. Its just so bloody sad.

I'm with Devilish. You want a best friend, but she doesn't. I have friends I only see occasionally, I'm busy, so are they. I've friends I haven't actually seen in years as I moved around a bit, I still consider them good friends. You want more though, but you aren't going to get more from her. That's her choice, maybe she finds you needy, I'm pretty sure I would. If its hurting you, its time to walk away I reckon.

I’m quite a people person. Don’t like big groups but love meeting up with one or two friends. Just have bugger all time.

Not good. New company took over and booted him out with minuscule notice. He was carted off to other side of the country - is a two day round trip for me to see him for 2 hours. (He’d never been away from me for more than a couple of days before).

One reason why I couldn’t currently cope with friends who needed lots of time but very much appreciate those who slot back in when I see them once every however many months/years.

And sorry you’re having an awful summer broomstick :(

Devilish- I agree with what you're saying and used to think that myself. In the past we saw each other every few months regularly with no contact between. But when we did meet up we had fun and it was like we only saw each other yesterday so I accepted it like that. But then she was eager to meet up if I asked.

The last few times we haven't even had that great time. I guess we ve drifted apart.

She definitely must be making an effort with some people or she wouldn't have two friends to pick for her special occasion. I remember her saying to me that another mutual friend was rubbish at keeping in touch but she saw her every holiday and went to her house as she didn't want to loose touch and wanted to see her. But couldn't do that for me. She had none of the history or anything as much in common with her as she did with me.

I agree with the texts. She did the same around the Easter hols and I guess I got no reply as others responded.

I only see friends every few months but would still have friends to pick for special occasions. Some of those may be friends I haven’t seen for years.

If it’s not great when you meet up then maybe you have grown apart but I don’t think frequency of contact tells you much. It certainly doesn’t in my friendships.

Hey you already have been given some great advice from people who are on both sides of the situation that you are describing. However I'd like to add in my 2 cents for what it's worth. Having spent a lot of time musing over friendships since I was a girl I understand the position you are in perfectly. What is most troubling to me is that grown up women with children, families, careers, households to run spend far too much of their precious time worrying about what other people think, how they behave and what their motives are. You cannot know. Stop trying to guess why your friend is not interested anymore. The only reason it would matter is if you had something to do with it, and only for the purpose of self realisation. Friendships are rarer than we are led to believe. What you see others have is only a mirage of your perception, you don't know how close or not they are or what is underlying the bond. Your friend is as autonomous as you and can decide how she wants to be friends with you without your judgment. Now to you. You are also autonomous and creative and kind and interesting and loyal and genuine and fun. Believe in yourself and what it is that you can do for yourself to enrich your life. Have strength in being you without validation from others which is a big part of your worries and rumination about this friendship. You have already answered your questions by saying that you have drifted apart and that is ok. All of us change and why should a good friendship only be defined by non growth? So you've grown in different directions, time to move on. Lastly I would say that your friend does value what you "had" which is why she is in contact however sporadic it may be. Having her in your life if only to reminisce the uni days is also an amazing positive, unless she has been wilfully malicious to you or makes your feel bad about yourself. Today go out and say hi to 5 people with a big smile and start a conversation, you never know your new best buddy might be one of those people. Good Luck!

Thanks for all the kind advice.

It's funny as when I posted last time the advice was mostly put the ball in her court with your reply or don't reply and I replied putting the ball in her court and never heard back.

I have decided not to reply. I wonder if I will get a what's going on message, we ll see. If I do I will decide what to put. I did actually get a everything ok text from her after the family event in March as I was very upset. I didn't tell her though. I lied and said everything ok and just lots on my plate and put kisses in the reply. So I think she thinks it's call ok and won't ask again.

Ps- told dh and he agreed I really am putting an end to the friendship if I don't reply. It's sad, I don't want to, but I don't feel valued and her nothing out the friendship. I am not willing to do once a year meaningless meet ups.

et a what's going on message, we ll see. If I do I will decide what to put. I did actually get a everything ok text from her after the family event in March as I was very upset. I didn't tell her though. I lied and said everything ok and just lots on my plate and put kisses in the reply. So I think she thinks it's call ok and won't ask again

She’s not a nice person and the only reason she asked if you were ok is because she knew she’d treated you badly and she wanted you to tell her it was ok that she did it. You then told her you were ok and that it was ok to do what she did.

Don’t reply to the text, and don’t wait to see what you’ll do in the future if another one arrives. Decide now that you’ll just ignore it. However, if you do reply then expect her to make gushing efforts that will make you breathe a sigh of relief but are only designed to get you back to where you stand with her now.

I only see friends every few months but would still have friends to pick for special occasions. Some of those may be friends I haven’t seen for years

I only have friends I’ve known for decades because circumstances at home meant there wasn’t any time to go out and make new ones. To be honest it’s as if time stood still. I do know other people though but it’s on a very superficial level and I can recall my visiting sister in law saying to me recently ‘oh she seems really nice, is she a friend of yours?’ My reply was no, she’s someone I say Hi to. And that about sums me up. Lots of people to say Hi to and 4 very good friends I’ve known for between 25 and 40 years with one of them being my sister in law who I’m very close to.

If it’s not great when you meet up then maybe you have grown apart but I don’t think frequency of contact tells you much. It certainly doesn’t in my friendships

I sat with one of my friends recently and we realised due to one thing and another, she now travels a lot back to our home country to see her dad, that it was a good year since we’d seen each other. My other friend I see every few months. We are still in contact inbetween times though but the thing is that I don’t feel the dynamics change because of this but it’s different for the OP, something has changed and I suspect the friend is enjoying the little game she has going on.

So an update.

She texted me again, asking if I got her original message and if we want to meet up.

Shall I reply: hi, sorry been away most of the holidays so far (true) so didn't get chance to respond.

I am afraid I am pretty booked up for the rest of the holidays.

Ok? Pretty straight to the point I guess.

You don’t have to mention being away. Just say you’re pretty booked up for the holidays and you hope she’s well.