How to respond to this message? Not sure what to do about this friendship.

[1981m]

I have posted about this before and was pretty much told to leave things with my friend but there has been developments since so posting again.

Basically, I had a friend I considered my best friend since uni, so 15 years now. We were close at uni and went out regularly and this continued once we left uni as we lived 45 mins away. Our dh s got close too and we spent holidays, nye abs birthdays together. I wasn't her bridesmaid but she kindly explained why but she was mine.

Anyway, As the years went by the friendship became very one sided, or so I felt. All the effort was made by me and the periods without seeing each other got longer. I would ring with no call back but she still seemed keen to meet up on my suggestion and we got on like there had been no time between meet ups when we did.

Once she had dcs it got worse. Her replies to text messages were abrupt and no enquiry about what's going on in my life. I felt like she didn't care. When I tried to arrange visits was told she was busy. It turned into yearly meet ups at her ds birthday party, she couldn't come to my ds birthday. There was no call when I had my dcs and no suggestion of a visit when I had dd (2015) until I asked her to come. When she did it seemed reluctantly. No birthday cards or presents exchanged for years.

I decided to let the friendship go but it was very hard for me. I began to accept she didn't value me or see our friendship as deep as I had. I was very upset but knew I needed to stop making all the effort as her responses were making me feel like shit. When we met she would always say we should meet more, she values our friendship, would hate to loose touch- but I felt it was all words. No effort made on her part to ensure this. Birthday message sent by me just simple thanks, message to say found out sex of dd was that's nice reply.

Out the blue we were invited to a special occasion. I was unsure about going but did. This was a huge realisation of where I stood in her life. I wasn't expecting to have a role in the event but rightly or wrongly was shocked and upset by her choice of person who was involved. Someone she had told me she hadn't spoken to in a year, hadn't had as much contact with as me. I also realised she had had every friend involved in significant events in her life except me.

I decided to totally stop contact and let the friendship burn out. I was not willing to carry on with it being so one sided, don't see the point of seeing each other once a year and realised I meant little to her. Declined an invite for another special occasion for her, honest reason couldn't go, which she wanted to know exact details why and that's when said didn't want to loose friendship etc.

Not heard from her since March. Out the blue message today asking to meet up as in summer hols now. No asking how I am or kids or anything, just fancy meeting up.

What shall I do?

No, don't think I will get one but will let you know if I do.

Are you hoping for a response or would it be a relief and closing not to have one?

OP.... You're 'friend' sounds like one I used to have. She was a piece of work. I'd just leave it in the air now.

She didn't acknowledge my mum had died. When I couldn't/wouldn't run myself ragged with explanations for her. She actually said " Do you mean to tell me that you're lack of emotional support for me is down to the fact that you're mum died 6 days ago "? Unbelievable. I cut her out without a word or a backward glance from that moment.

I can't abide entitled people. And if that's all that's on offer for company, I run for the hills.

If she asks 'what's wrong' again:

Tell her that there was something wrong (ie that you realised you had misread the depth of your friendship when seeing how much more involved she was with others)

Acknowledge that you felt hurt initially
But tell her that now you are now completely fine about it and realise that she was right (this is important if you want to avoid an argument in the reply) - you have both moved on

End with well wishes .

Her response was;

Don t worry then, I’ve tried lots of times to arrange a get together, there’s only so much I can do. but wanted to try and make the effort.

I guess she has tried three times to make the effort recently but before that it would six months with no effort on her part and curt replies or no replies to me. It's funny how she's getting funny with me now she wants to meet and is making the effort but fine for me just to accept no effort on her part.

Weeping- was hoping for no response and it just to fizzle out. It does eek me though that from her point of view she obviously feels she has made an effort and done all she can do so it's down to me we haven't met up anymore rather than because of her lack of effort.

Oooh so she actually is aware that her own crappy behaviour isn't on. Hopefully she will see things from your view now. Has she ever acknowledged the fact she chose other people for that family ceremony?

ASAS- which part of her message shows that? I thought it shows she's not aware.

No she hasn't and I don't think she will.

Actually you're right she doesn't. She just goes on about how much effort she's made on HER part. Pffft! What an arse.
Are you replying? Or just doing a fizzle out?

Really sorry this has happened to you. So rubbish when people do this. It does show her true colours though.

If you wanted to really throw a bomb into it, reply "Too little, too late frankly"

But the most mature thing by far would be to ignore it.

I'm just not sure I could resist saying something at this stage! I'd try though.

I think she's just trying to justify it to herself, 1981, that's why she makes it sound like she was doing you a favour - it comes across as defensive to me. There's a lots of other things she could have written, but she chose that.

Leave it for a while. I think it will irk you less in time!

Either she is aware and isn't a great friend, or isn't aware and... still isn't a great friend.

I had this with a friend recently. Almost everything exactly the same as yours, we could have been talking about the same person.

I spoke up and said I felt like I still liked her but she didn’t like me anymore. She never responds or prioritises me or even asks how I am, hasn’t been there through massive upheavals in the last year, etc. I got lots of excuses back but when we met and spoke about it, everything worked out and she is making much more of an effort. It’s good again.

So on that balance, I’d say be honest now. Other wise you run the risk of her saying “but I have asked you if you are ok, I did ask on x day on x text and you never said”

Not heard from her since March. Out the blue message today asking to meet up as in summer hols now. No asking how I am or kids or anything, just fancy meeting up.

She sounds very self absorbed. I had a friend (?) who never asked how my DD was after I told her she'd had a tumour diagnosed Its' not nice. If you did meet up do you think she would ask after yours and your DCs welfare then? If not, how would that make you feel? You need to decide whether you gain anything from this friendship at all? Good luck in deciding.

You could reply:

I just didn't expect to hear from you after all this time. I know you've tried to meet-up recently, but for several years prior to that, I had very little back from you. It's sad but life moves on.

Or:

It's 'try to' not 'try and'.

And block.

(I'm only joking about the last one.)

• meet up

well done OP... she's rattled.. I'd ignore her response now

If you are the message thread you could always screenshot them where she hasn’t replied to any of your attempts. 😀

But that will leave you in the game. You may want to just drop the rope

Have 🙄 then send them to her

Sorry late night

I am not going to answer. I don't want it to end with a fall out and would rather it fizzled out. This way perhaps we might meet up in the future and get on track again. It leaves that option open I guess. But right now I don't want a friendship where I get nothing out of it.

Yes, good decision!

Great decision! She's ghosted you after you complained before, so she really needs a taste of that medicine.

Aussie's comment on dropping the rope is a brilliant way of looking at it.

Her last response was Her trying to justify herself like a sudden flurry of effort will make up for years of being useless. If she does reply I would personally say it's been clear over recent years that the friendship is 1 sided and you've had enough.

That's a good choice. If ever her DH does ask yours and decides to impart that his wife did try then 'too little too late is a good answer'.

There comes a point when you have to let go.