How to respond to this message? Not sure what to do about this friendship.

[1981m]

I have posted about this before and was pretty much told to leave things with my friend but there has been developments since so posting again.

Basically, I had a friend I considered my best friend since uni, so 15 years now. We were close at uni and went out regularly and this continued once we left uni as we lived 45 mins away. Our dh s got close too and we spent holidays, nye abs birthdays together. I wasn't her bridesmaid but she kindly explained why but she was mine.

Anyway, As the years went by the friendship became very one sided, or so I felt. All the effort was made by me and the periods without seeing each other got longer. I would ring with no call back but she still seemed keen to meet up on my suggestion and we got on like there had been no time between meet ups when we did.

Once she had dcs it got worse. Her replies to text messages were abrupt and no enquiry about what's going on in my life. I felt like she didn't care. When I tried to arrange visits was told she was busy. It turned into yearly meet ups at her ds birthday party, she couldn't come to my ds birthday. There was no call when I had my dcs and no suggestion of a visit when I had dd (2015) until I asked her to come. When she did it seemed reluctantly. No birthday cards or presents exchanged for years.

I decided to let the friendship go but it was very hard for me. I began to accept she didn't value me or see our friendship as deep as I had. I was very upset but knew I needed to stop making all the effort as her responses were making me feel like shit. When we met she would always say we should meet more, she values our friendship, would hate to loose touch- but I felt it was all words. No effort made on her part to ensure this. Birthday message sent by me just simple thanks, message to say found out sex of dd was that's nice reply.

Out the blue we were invited to a special occasion. I was unsure about going but did. This was a huge realisation of where I stood in her life. I wasn't expecting to have a role in the event but rightly or wrongly was shocked and upset by her choice of person who was involved. Someone she had told me she hadn't spoken to in a year, hadn't had as much contact with as me. I also realised she had had every friend involved in significant events in her life except me.

I decided to totally stop contact and let the friendship burn out. I was not willing to carry on with it being so one sided, don't see the point of seeing each other once a year and realised I meant little to her. Declined an invite for another special occasion for her, honest reason couldn't go, which she wanted to know exact details why and that's when said didn't want to loose friendship etc.

Not heard from her since March. Out the blue message today asking to meet up as in summer hols now. No asking how I am or kids or anything, just fancy meeting up.

What shall I do?

P.s. I'm sorry for the way your frenemies behaved. It all sounds very cliquey and 'mean girls' - good you've cut out the dead wood and created space for genuine friendships!

I don't want to be harsh but history doesn't equal strength of feeling in a friendship. It really doesn't. I am sorry that you don't feel valued but you are comparing yourself with people she has known for less time without acknowledging that she may, indeed, have a better friendship, more fun, with those people. That's allowed. It kind of sucks to be the one who feels it, I'm not trying to be unsympathetic, it's just that you have to accept that people get on for different reasons.

I'll give you an example. I have a friend I like very much and we've known each other for years. However, I'd never want her to be a bridesmaid or anything like that because she just isn't made that way. She'd get stressed and need so much handholding and "management" that it wouldn't be fun for anyone. She will say 'just tell me what to do and I will do it' which would be fine but that's not how it works out with her in reality.

It's all hypothetical and of course that's of no relevance to your friendship, we can't know the details, but can you see how it's not length of service, it's not even how much you enjoy someone's company - there are all sorts of things going on in friendships.

That said, it's tactless of her to reel off lists of people she would ask, it's thoughtless of her to not follow through on plans. And having the partners involved as well - that is tricky. TBH I'd just be busy and let things slide, it's so much easier!

I would let it go, she will just keep letting you down and making you feel like shit

OP, I am a bit torn on this.

It certainly sounds like she's been a bit of a crap friend to you. But, I know how busy teachers are. It sounds like she might be up to her eyes in it with teaching, kids, a partner and family life generally. I would imagine that she's had to cut down on many of the usual niceties in an attempt to manage her time.

It might well be that she's choosing to spend time with others over you. Or, maybe they have just been quicker to reply to her and book themselves in? Perhaps they make fewer demands on her generally, which suits her at the moment?

You can't change people. The bottom line is: can you find a way to see your relationship, so that you can live happily with it, as it is?

Think about this: if you'd just met her, you'd probably be pleased to hear from her with a suggestion to meet up. You're upset because you have different expectations of someone you've known closely and for longer. But the fact is, life brings all sorts of changes and relationships have to adapt sometimes in order to be sustained.

I'm not suggesting that you let people treat you badly or do anything to threaten your own self-respect, but simply to be light about it as it is. Eg. You could reply positively, saying what days you can do. (Throwing it back to her reeks of game playing, gives her another job to do and makes it more likely she will be booked up by someone else.) Or, (and I know this is unfashionable now) you could CALL her! Have a nice chat and arrange to meet there and then - job done!

Who knows? If you can treat it lightly now, there may come a time when she is less busy and you will be able to pick up the friendship again.

Just some thoughts.

OP, can you tell us what you'd like to reply and then maybe we can help you phrase it?

Waitingforsleepagain, I'm sorry, I hadn't read your post before I replied! Im speechless at your ex-friend! That's twelve kinds of rudeness rolled into one experience that I am sure felt absolutely horrible at the time but I hope is less painful now.

Urgh I have a friend like this and she LYNCHED me when I didn’t invite her to a very small, very intimate doo I had for my baby’s first birthday.

Never mind she never invited me to any of her babies’ birthday parties
Never mind she never invited me to any of her and her DH’s Christmas Parties
Never mind she only invited me to a concert as “nobody else was available”

Yet she is a very funny and weirdly kind friend whom I now have a lot more in common with as our children are similar in age.

But she is 100% unreliable and I will never ever again seek any kind of comfort/validation/approval for her ever as she is in its truest form very selfish, and I know that seems contradictory.

Your so called friend sounds like a less pleasant form of mine and I’d definitely definitely quit this crappy “push me pull you” dynamic by staying light and breezy.

“I’m tickety boo right now, just busy, you know, life, etc haha”

Just mentally commit her to the bin and keep her at bay with I’M BREEZY texts only if she contacts you though.

Thanks for the replies. Sorry for the bad experiences others have had it's so hurtful. I think because this has been going over over several years and there has been tears during that time I am not hurting anymore, I ve kind of gotten over it and just feel like it's a pointless friendship now.

I know friendships can be a different levels and aren't always to do with length of friendship but I suppose because we used to be close and I saw her as a best friend I struggle to accept a friendship where we see or have contact infrequently. I have this with other friends but it's always been like that that and it's fine. I don't want to accept a friendship like this with her, I don't see the point in seeing her once a year at dcs parties.

I agree with the people saying might and breezy response but the trouble is I ve done this abc tried to fizzle out the friendship but she's not letting go. I ignored her last meet up message at easter and just sent her a breezy one back when she sent me a newsy one and politely declined an invite to her dh birthday. I don't think I am going to get away that easily.

I am not sure what I want to reply. I think a breezy one pretending I am not unhappy will mean she thinks everything is ok and will continue messaging for meet ups. But if I re her how I feel we will probably get into an argument where I will feel worse off. She's good in arguments and makes me feel stupid. I feel maybe I should be brave and tell her how I feel but can't be bothered with the fall out. But worried if I don't she won't let the friendship fizzle out. The fact she seems totally oblivious to how I am feeling makes me feel like my expectations are too high and I am being silly.

It sounds like she is now trying to make you out to be the bad guy, when she is the one who has treated you badly over the years. Why don't you just reply and tell her you want different things out of the friendship than she does? If there is no going back, just put an end to it without going in to details.

Don't get in to an argument with her, don't give her the power to belittle your feelings.

It's ok not to respond at all. Without any excuse - without feeling guilty. You are allowed.

It sounds like she might be the sort of person who is all about the chase so if you are less interested in her you become more interesting to her.

All this angst on your part though doesn't suggest there is anything nice left to work with - she doesnt seem to put you first at all - and even seems to manipulate you into being there for her when she needs someone.

Perhaps its time to let go and move on. Make some room so that someone else who does want an equal friendship can come into your life. If she was a partner would you put up with such poor behaviour?

You could say "Hi, I think we've obviously grown apart and it's a shame but it happens. I sincerely wish you the best. Take care. Xx"

I mean that's about as nice as it gets, if you want to tell her. If you can't say that much, then you're gonna just have to keep fobbing her off for the next few years I guess.

Also dysfunctional people won't accept an end of friendship without making a huge drama out of it and making it your fault. It's almost as though they have to lay the blame at your door.

f that happens then you know you made exactly the right choice.

You have two choices then:

1. Live with breezy bullshit and never be available
2. Take the nuclear option and kill the friendship

Now normally I would advise 2 as it means you’d just get it over and done with and she’s be out of your life and you could grieve the relationship.

Trouble is your DHs are chums.

I hate to say it but I think you’ve going to have to kill the link in your head and just stick with breezy bullshit else you may kill your DHs friendship with douchey friend by accident.

I feel for you. I’ve sort of been where you are and it hurts

I think I'd reply with something like "I don't see the point, tbh - the last few meetups have felt awkward and forced to me, so I feel like our friendship has run its course. Sorry but that's how I feel. Wishing you all the best xxx"

You say she turns it all around and assures you she cares - there's very little of her considering your feelings, just her making you kowtow to hers. So, tell her firmly that you simply Don't Want To Meet.

Simple- yes you're right. I feel like she wants me to be there for her when something goes wrong in her life. She said in her previous texts a close family member has had a bad diagnosis. I feel she totally takes me for granted that I will just be there because I have been. Without getting anything back. She has no idea what's going on in my life and hasn't bothered to ask. Maybe she feels I would tell her if something significant was going on. I don't feel like she'd be there for me if there was.

Two replies I have come up with;

1. don t worry everything's ok here, just super busy. Enjoy the holidays.

2. well I guess I feel the friendship may have run its course potentially. from my side I feel like it's been one-sided for some time, with the curt replies or no replies coming from you and no meet ups for such a long time. I guess the reality of the situation really hit me when I realised at x's xxxxx (family event) that you have chosen every one of your uni/school friends who I know you count as close friends to play a significant role in your and dhs or your dcs life events except me. Rightly or wrongly it showed me a clear picture of where I stand.

Just don't reply.

Your second suggestion is too long. Elspeth put it perfectly.

I would cut her off. She makes you feel shit. Life is too short.

What do you think her responses will be to both those replies?

Your second message seems a bit long winded. I’d probably ignore and let her get it that way, it’s not like she hasn’t done it to you. But probably best to find a quicker more to the point, way to end the friendship.

I think the 1st lacks authenticity and the 2nd is too long-winded.

How about...?

I was a bit surprised to get your message tbh as I've hardly heard from you in recent years. I used to think of you as a very good, close friend so was hurt when you initially stopped reciprocating, but life moves on and I really am fully booked for the holidays now. Probably best to leave it there. Wishing you all the best for the future, OP

I wouldn't send the second but I would sent the first.

I am also a crazy busy person, but I do maintain my friendships via Whatsapp. I only really get to see my friends a few times a year, but we are in contact at least weekly.

Just let it go, don't engage. If she keeps pressing the button, I would say something along the lines of 'Dear X, as I have said (several times now) previously, I have lots of things on my plate currently. Please accept this, without pressing the matter further. Enjoy the holidays.'

Don't feel like I can just not reply but also don't want to make out everything is ok now she's asked me outright.

Want to send one back being breezy without saying everything is/isn't ok between us.

How will she reply? To the first one no response I think.

Second one- not sure. Probably go on the offensive.

Yes, tell her this.
Enjoying the summer hols with the kids, bit busy will chat later...

Paul Hollywood- our dhs are friends but only see each other when I see my friend. We haven't met up as a four for years. They exchange texts and there was talk about meeting up but they haven't. Dh feels if they did they would inevitably end up talking about us and so I didn't want him to. He's not bothered either way, they got on very well but weren't close.