How to respond to this message? Not sure what to do about this friendship.

[1981m]

I have posted about this before and was pretty much told to leave things with my friend but there has been developments since so posting again.

Basically, I had a friend I considered my best friend since uni, so 15 years now. We were close at uni and went out regularly and this continued once we left uni as we lived 45 mins away. Our dh s got close too and we spent holidays, nye abs birthdays together. I wasn't her bridesmaid but she kindly explained why but she was mine.

Anyway, As the years went by the friendship became very one sided, or so I felt. All the effort was made by me and the periods without seeing each other got longer. I would ring with no call back but she still seemed keen to meet up on my suggestion and we got on like there had been no time between meet ups when we did.

Once she had dcs it got worse. Her replies to text messages were abrupt and no enquiry about what's going on in my life. I felt like she didn't care. When I tried to arrange visits was told she was busy. It turned into yearly meet ups at her ds birthday party, she couldn't come to my ds birthday. There was no call when I had my dcs and no suggestion of a visit when I had dd (2015) until I asked her to come. When she did it seemed reluctantly. No birthday cards or presents exchanged for years.

I decided to let the friendship go but it was very hard for me. I began to accept she didn't value me or see our friendship as deep as I had. I was very upset but knew I needed to stop making all the effort as her responses were making me feel like shit. When we met she would always say we should meet more, she values our friendship, would hate to loose touch- but I felt it was all words. No effort made on her part to ensure this. Birthday message sent by me just simple thanks, message to say found out sex of dd was that's nice reply.

Out the blue we were invited to a special occasion. I was unsure about going but did. This was a huge realisation of where I stood in her life. I wasn't expecting to have a role in the event but rightly or wrongly was shocked and upset by her choice of person who was involved. Someone she had told me she hadn't spoken to in a year, hadn't had as much contact with as me. I also realised she had had every friend involved in significant events in her life except me.

I decided to totally stop contact and let the friendship burn out. I was not willing to carry on with it being so one sided, don't see the point of seeing each other once a year and realised I meant little to her. Declined an invite for another special occasion for her, honest reason couldn't go, which she wanted to know exact details why and that's when said didn't want to loose friendship etc.

Not heard from her since March. Out the blue message today asking to meet up as in summer hols now. No asking how I am or kids or anything, just fancy meeting up.

What shall I do?

That sounds like a good response from you. This situation is so similar to mine, I'm no longer in contact with the friend. If it helps maybe you could block her number so you don't cave in and get in contact.

It seems like the more you set yourself free the less she wants you to. Yet if you show keenness she backs off. She just wants to hold all the cards.

Ignore her.if she asks if she's upset you tell her. Nothing to lose.

I have a friend who is similar, I don't get in touch any more as I got so fed up with either no response or a decline. If she suggests doing something I decide based on whatever the kids would like to do.

In your case I think replying was polite, and I wouldn't do it again. If she pushes further I would be honest with her.

Thanks. Have sent that reply. If she does ask what's wrong I will decide whether to tell her.

In a similar situation myself. Best friend since primary school so many years but over the past few years, he has ducked in and out of my life when it has suited him. Sometimes I won’t see or even hear from him for almost a year then he will pop up and expect me to jump at meeting up with him. I have the demanding teaching job and DC in the scenario, he is childless and doesn’t have a solid job. I’ve decided to let the friendship slide, as sad as that is.

You have the option of letting her go or accepting this is who she is and this is what your friendship will forever be like. She probably isn’t going to change and this is how often you will see her/hear from her. If you can accept that then keep her around, if not then let go.

Oh no, here we go. Hoping could just phase the friendship out. I get this message- paraphrased to avoid identifying myself.

What's going on? Tried to meet up but you don’t seem bothered? You’re messages seem rather curt. I d rather you said.

I know what will happen. I will tell her how I feel, she will deny it, tell me I am being silly, she loves me, values our friendship, will
Make more effort. I will feel silly and then it will just go back to how it was before. It's same old circle.

She manages to make it seem like she really cares and that I am being paranoid- this has been the case in the past. I find it hard to read friendships and people. Then I wonder if I am and I am in the wrong.

Well you could always just lie. She may rather you said, but it's not a Royal Command.

If you think she won't handle it well, then think of your own well being.

You could always say "Just have a lot on my plate at the moment, hope you're all keeping well."

Life is too short for one-sided and disappointing friendships. I'd not bother to reply. After all, she didn’t bother either. No point to do a post-mortem and divert precious energy or headspace on her now. If she is this unaware then you do not owe her any justification.

Treat her the same way. Say "don't be silly, everything is just crazy busy at the moment, you know the way hols get!"

Personally I wouldn't bother replying, but if you have to please do not apologise, just a short, 'got loads on, take care'. And move on. Life is too short for flakey 'friends'

Ignore the message... and Block....

the end

I would ignore that. If she is sensitive enough to notice a difference in your messages and their frequency then she must be aware of her own behaviour. She just wants it all her own way.

I would just ignore that. Don't get sucked in.

Personally I reply to request like that with 'yes let's!'

They never respond back with dates if I don't suggest one. Easy and no guilt!

I know you have moved on and messaged her back. There isn't any point in responding with what's wrong. As you say it won't change anything. I'd just say ' just crazy busy here sorry for the short messages'. And move on

First and foremost, I would value myself more than she clearly does. I don’t buy the ‘busy’ thing. We are all busy, but it doesn’t take long to send a text, or quick phone, call to find out how someone is, even if you can’t arrange to meet up. She is clearly finding time for others.

Don’t be the default friend, and don’t feel silly about your feelings, I wish I had a friend who was bothered that much about me.

I have been through similar. Best friend for 15 years - harder and harder to stay in touch with. She moved abroad and whenever she came "home" I would drive to see her, drive her around etc.

Then a few years ago, we agreed to spend NYE together and she flaked on me.

After that, I decided to leave it to her to contact me and didn't hear from her for years. I was devastated actually - it felt like being broken up with.

Fast forward a few years, she tells me she's moved back to the uk and sees I'm about to have a baby (was about 8.5 months pregnant,) and do I want to meet up. So I text her back and say great, but I made her come up to see me. Making her make the effort.

Never heard from her again. She's not on Facebook. We don't have any mutual friends. My baby is now 8.5 months and she has no idea whether either of us even made it safely through the birth.

I'd love to think I would cut her out of my life, but if she text tomorrow, I think I'd still probably cave and agree to meet up. I'm not sure I could ever tell her how much she hurt me. I don't think she'd understand. I have no idea why. I have a lovely, full life, lots of friend and family. But I genuinely loved her!

Anyway, wow that was so much more about me, than helpful for you! But I get it and you have my sympathy x

If she is sensitive enough to notice a difference in your messages and their frequency then she must be aware of her own behaviour.

Agree with this

Agree with the 'don't be silly' response and sorry if my texts seem curt. Just really crazy busy these holidays with fitting everything in. Hope all ok with you? Let's fix a date now for the festive holiday season.

Then you haven't been rude but have given yourself some space.

* If she is sensitive enough to notice a difference in your messages and their frequency then she must be aware of her own behaviour.

Spot on.

Waitingforsleep, you’re their loss.

I'm going to be contrary here.
While she does seem very thoughtless, she does seem to value having you in her life.

Rather than dramatically ending it why not just leave it to her to do all the work, and if she doesn't, let it drift. It sounds like the last few meetings you've had weren't so much fun anyway. But perhaps they might be more enjoyable if expectations were loosened somewhat.

Sometimes friendships can resuscitate themselves later in life if the door is left open. As one gets older, one gets misty eyed about youthful close friendships and given all your history, it would be a shame to slam the door forever.

Meanwhile, accept she is never going to provide the intimate friendship you desire, enjoy your very occasional meet-ups and keep an eye out for new friends.

I'm the same Waiting. I recently posted about a frenemy who behaved pretty badly to me (she's like this with everyone), and was all set to write my fairwell speech detailing all this, but I just thought, she's not going to change (people rarely do), it will all be very unpleasant so what's the point?
So I've just let things fizzle out.

Most surprisingly, some of us recently rescued a Husky from an abusive situation and posted her on FB trying to find her a home and my frenemy posted very lovely comments about my charity work. I still have no intention of resuscitating the friendship but I don't mind having an arms length FB relationship. Who knows, maybe one day she'll do some soul searching (though I think this unlikely!).