Husband is planning an affair

[shitsabouttogetserious]

A couple of weeks ago I discovered my husband was chatting through fb messenger to an ex of his from his teenage years. It was pretty innocuous stuff mostly although he was a bit too complimentary/creepy for my liking so I decided to keep an eye on it. I didn't say anything to him cos I didn't want to alert him that I had access to his messages. Last weekend she called him out on his intentions with her and he was all like "I have responsibilities I can't just walk away from" and she was all "fair enough, let's just leave it at that then and stop talking before things go any further". At this point I'm thinking, ok, he's pushed his luck but when push came to shove he couldn't take it further, no harm done, right? But then he messaged her back and said if she ever changed her mind and wanted to meet up and "test the spark" to let him know 😳 the fucker just basically asked for a no strings affair right? She didn't reply to this and he then deleted the whole convo (just as well I have screenshots then😁) things were quiet for a few days and I tried to forget it all happened but it all ramped up again over last 2 days when she initiated a friendly conversation again which then took a turn yesterday towards the "what are we doing here?" He has now suggested a weekend get together so they can "get to know each other" again! She lives far away from us. They haven't made any concrete plans/ dates yet.

So basically as far as I'm concerned my marriage is over! Tbh, I've been unhappy for a while but didn't feel I could "justify" ending the marriage without a "good" reason 😞 we have 3 dc together and the youngest is only 9 months old.

I'm thinking of holding out to see what arrangements they make and having his bags packed for him when he returns from get together. But its really hard pretending everything is fine in the meantime. This will be ended one way or another, there is no doubt about that but dying to work out in my head the best way to deal with it all.

Thanks for reading, sorry it's so long.

I think that's a very decent and level headed message. I hope he at least has respect enough for you and the kids in this instance and does what you ask.

Wishing you luck.

Lose the exclamation marks, they trivialise your message.

Good luck OP. That's a nicer approach than he deserves.

Good message OP.

I do agree with Schnitzel about losing the exclamation marks though.

Good Luck

I agree, take out the exclamation marks and it’s perfect.

So, so sorry it’s come to this. Really wishing you the very best of luck for later.

Remember to prepare yourself for The Script. You know it’s coming so don’t let yourself be taken in. You’re almost certainly going to hear some or all of the following:

• he wasn’t planning on doing anything
• you’re in the wrong for snooping and you owe him an apology
• this is your fault because you don’t give him enough attention/affection/sex
• if you make him leave then he will make sure you have no money and/or take the kids away

Just remember that they ALL say those things when caught and he isn’t anything different or special. He’s a sad, pathetic cliche of a man and you deserve better.

Good message.
Hopefully he will agree to be adult about it. If he doesn't, will you tell people the reason of the split if he doesn't go quietly?
I'd hate to think he kicks up a fuss because he thinks you wouldn't tell anyone anyway
He deserves to have people know what kind of a nob he is being, especially if he makes it worse than needs be!
You've been awesome about this whole thing. Proving how strong you are! You deserve so much better.
We all go into a relationship thinking they won't do this, but sometimes the other person is just that good at acting and lying.
Good luck with your day, know you've got lots of people supporting you!

Ok, exclamation marks gone 👍🏻

You're right lisasimpson. It's like cheating husband bingo 😂

Well done, OP.

I think if it was me, I would add "I have recently uncovered concrete evidence to prove that you have been planning to have an affair for some considerable time, so please don't insult my intelligence by bothering to deny it."

That's just me, OP. I think when faced with losing everything, he will play the innocent/haven't done anything/don't know what you're talking about card, which I'd want to nip in the bud from the start. I wouldn't want to get drawn into that whole sorry game.

Well done on your composure & dignity & level headedness. I hope that doesn't sound patronising, but I'm in awe of how you are handling such a shitty situation.

Cheating husband bongo

Or even bingo!

This is all good feedback folks. I've replaced the bit about treating me as if I'm stupid with "don't insult my intelligence by denying, making excuses or trying to justify why you've done." Also added mention that I have proof.

Message is great. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this though, what an arsehole.

What @arsenalsplayingathome said
Good luckOP

Good luck for tonight.

Good luck for tonight OP. Everyone thinks he's such a fuck wit. At least tonight after he's gone you won't have to sit and watch him messaging OW.

Oh OP....I just thought of something. Is there any chance he might stay in the house with his stuff and refuse to depart until you talk? I'd hate to think of YOU and the kids being the ones left out in the cold.

Could you get the locks changed and have his stuff in bin liners on the doorstep? I realise a lock change not cheap but would stop the git sneaking back.

aw poor you OP, stay strong though, you can get through this

I'd maybe reconsider "we wont come back until youre gone" because you'll be waiting around and then what do you do if he says "I'm not going anywhere"?

I'd maybe reconsider "we wont come back until youre gone" because you'll be waiting around and then what do you do if he says "I'm not going anywhere"?

She should tell him to be gone by a certain time so as not to upset the kids on their return

Could you leave his stuff outside, lock the doors and add to the message that when he collects his things he is to leave immediately or when you return you'll be bringing the police with you? Just incase he says he won't go and then you're stuck outside your house with your kids.

What Trinity66 said.

I'm playing devil's advocate here, just a thought....

Is it worth giving him a time that you are prepared to meet up to discuss things, for your sake, not his, obviously.

E.g, You send him the message with this ...

"I understand this is a complete shock for you, whilst I have been processing and working through the fall out of your actions for the past few days.

Personally, I am not ready to discuss how we move forward tonight with regards to the children, the house etc. However, I suggest that we meet at (insert) on (date) at (time) to talk about it all.

By then we will have both have had a couple of days head space to get our thoughts in order, and are more likely to be able to be civil and grown up about this situation, as the last thing I want is an uncivilised slanging match on the doorstep/through the letterbox"

I think if I was him, I would be very reluctant to clear off without at least the prospect of being able to focus on when I could meet you to discuss what's happening with the children.

Might be rubbish advice, but might just get him off your back, and stop him from making demands if he knows he will get his chance to talk to you in a couple of days (or when you see fit).

Sending a handhold lass.

Well done OP. It's really shit that it has come to this but you are conducting yourself with dignity and grace. I hope he can do that too.

Will be thinking of you later and please let us know what happens. Good luck for you and your DC in the future.

You're so strong but absolutely doing the right thing - good luck 🍀