Husband is planning an affair

[shitsabouttogetserious]

A couple of weeks ago I discovered my husband was chatting through fb messenger to an ex of his from his teenage years. It was pretty innocuous stuff mostly although he was a bit too complimentary/creepy for my liking so I decided to keep an eye on it. I didn't say anything to him cos I didn't want to alert him that I had access to his messages. Last weekend she called him out on his intentions with her and he was all like "I have responsibilities I can't just walk away from" and she was all "fair enough, let's just leave it at that then and stop talking before things go any further". At this point I'm thinking, ok, he's pushed his luck but when push came to shove he couldn't take it further, no harm done, right? But then he messaged her back and said if she ever changed her mind and wanted to meet up and "test the spark" to let him know 😳 the fucker just basically asked for a no strings affair right? She didn't reply to this and he then deleted the whole convo (just as well I have screenshots then😁) things were quiet for a few days and I tried to forget it all happened but it all ramped up again over last 2 days when she initiated a friendly conversation again which then took a turn yesterday towards the "what are we doing here?" He has now suggested a weekend get together so they can "get to know each other" again! She lives far away from us. They haven't made any concrete plans/ dates yet.

So basically as far as I'm concerned my marriage is over! Tbh, I've been unhappy for a while but didn't feel I could "justify" ending the marriage without a "good" reason 😞 we have 3 dc together and the youngest is only 9 months old.

I'm thinking of holding out to see what arrangements they make and having his bags packed for him when he returns from get together. But its really hard pretending everything is fine in the meantime. This will be ended one way or another, there is no doubt about that but dying to work out in my head the best way to deal with it all.

Thanks for reading, sorry it's so long.

I would have to try and speed this up. Sounds as though you mentally checked out some time ago and have been awaiting your chance to get rid of him

I would be so tempted to wait until he’s on his way to hers and then send her a message saying ‘tell him not to bother coming home’. Knock the wind right out of his sails!

I know it’s easy to fantasise though and far more complicated when you’re actually living it. Really hope you’re ok

As someone whose DH was/is being hunted (much to his discomfort) by an ex, all I can say is thank the lord for spidey senses!

Keep going, chin up!

Stay strong op

Is it possible for you to go over while you know he's messaging her and just nosily ask what he's up to, when he quickly clicks off it you can say weren't you just on messenger get him to show you the convo and pretend you're seeing it for the first time then kick him out?!

What about saying youre going to visit a friend overnight, see if it encourages anything quicker. Then you've got the final proof. Not sure id be as patient as you, you sound very strong.

It's all off again so I'm back to my original plan of going with what I have. Tonight's convo culminated in him asking for for some clarification of what would be on the cards on the meet up (she lives quite a way away and was suggesting they meet half way rather than her making all the effort).

She basically said she's not intending to shag him (but you'll meet up for a romantic get together with a married man 🙄) so now he's back tracking.

Did he honestly think she was gonna put it down in B&W that he's guaranteed a shag At this point!?!? I mean, clearly if things went well on the weekend she probs would, but she's clever enough not to promise anything.

Anyway, I'm back to square one with a dh who appears to be trying his hardest to get some side action but hasn't actually succeeded because he's the worlds biggest twat!

Forgot to say sorry you're going through this it must be awful, I can't believe you haven't said anything by now you've done amazingly so far! What if he never ended up meeting this woman, would you carry on as you are?

Pisces - definitely not. I can't go back from this. I decided a few days ago that it's over whether he goes through with a meet up or not. I've just been biding my time to strengthen my case.

I could never trust him again after this 😞 it's opened my eyes to a totally different side to my dh. He's always been very transparent and i never thought he'd be this good at keeping secrets. Just shows you.

Must be so hard keeping scrum! You are so brave x

Hand hold OP. You're doing so well! I'd of exploded by now x

At least you know. You won't doubt your worthy, your reality and your sanity. I left my x once and stoooopidly went back to him. Different story but same old same old in that he promised to change and blah blah blah. I had to leave again.

Can't believe he's sitting feet away from you trying to hustle up side action

God he sounds awful. I feel sick for you op

Urgh. Feel for you. Massive hug.

You sound focused and cool. He sounds like a twat.

shitsabouttogetserious

I really admire you, & can tell from countless posts upthread that I'm one of many.

Don't know you, but can I be proud of you anyway?

Sending you hugs & and this morning as a show of solidarity & support.

Awww thanks arsenal. I'm actually packing some of his stuff up just now and mentally preparing myself for later. I'm just nervous that he'll be home before the little ones go to bed and worried about my 10yo too. I have no intention of starting a shouting match but worried he won't go quietly 😕

You are handling this amazing OP and are doing the right thing. Stay strong and tell him to jog on. You deserve so much better than that. Hope you're okay!

Morning OP. How are you today? I'm amazed you haven't snapped by now. Keep going until you feel the time is right to unleash hell on him.

It looks like you are telling him tonight, then. Wishing you well (if that's appropriate.)

Hope it pans out as calmly as possible, & that you're OK today, leading up to it, shitsabouttogetserious

I'm so sorry that he's put you through this op!
I'm so glad that you've made the decision to leave. So many women will stay with cheating bastards as they're too afraid of walking out.

You're so strong and you will thrive without his lying ass stagnating the air around you.

I wish you all the best for tonight and I hope he leaves quietly without the dc witnessing anything.

Please do not let him turn this around on you. Don't take the bait if he tries to turn it into an argument.
Keep your head held high and just stick to short, factual statements. Try not to involve anything emotional and he'll find it harder to argue.

I can be a passive aggressive bitch when I'm hurt and would personally print off the conversations and frame them in one of those multi picture frames and hang it up for him to see when he walks in 😂
Just an idea 😉

This is the message I'm planning on sending him later today. Is it ok? Is there anything else I should add?

I feel the time is right to tell you that I know about ow. I absolutely won’t stay with someone who would treat me and our marriage with such disrespect! You’ve broken my trust irreparably. When you get to the house tonight you will find I’ve packed some of your stuff up for you to take elsewhere. I will be out with the kids so that they don’t have to see you do this. I won’t come home until you’ve left. Please don’t make this any harder than it already is and please don’t treat me like I’m stupid by making excuses or trying to justify what you’ve done. If you can act like an adult about this then I can be discreet about the reasons for our separation! Obviously we will have things to discuss re the kids etc but I think it’s probs best if we all take a few days to get our heads around what’s happening."

All the best for later Op

I'm not very good at confrontation and get very flustered and my mind goes blank when I try to counter his arguments so I'd rather avoid it at this point. I feel like such a wimp doing it this way but I really want to avoid any unseemly shouting and screaming at each other in front of the kids. My parents did enough of that over the years for everybody.

I think that's perfect OP. I hope it goes as well as it can and he leaves quietly and with a minimum of fuss.