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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband is planning an affair

685 replies

shitsabouttogetserious · 05/08/2018 08:45

A couple of weeks ago I discovered my husband was chatting through fb messenger to an ex of his from his teenage years. It was pretty innocuous stuff mostly although he was a bit too complimentary/creepy for my liking so I decided to keep an eye on it. I didn't say anything to him cos I didn't want to alert him that I had access to his messages. Last weekend she called him out on his intentions with her and he was all like "I have responsibilities I can't just walk away from" and she was all "fair enough, let's just leave it at that then and stop talking before things go any further". At this point I'm thinking, ok, he's pushed his luck but when push came to shove he couldn't take it further, no harm done, right? But then he messaged her back and said if she ever changed her mind and wanted to meet up and "test the spark" to let him know 😳 the fucker just basically asked for a no strings affair right? She didn't reply to this and he then deleted the whole convo (just as well I have screenshots then😁) things were quiet for a few days and I tried to forget it all happened but it all ramped up again over last 2 days when she initiated a friendly conversation again which then took a turn yesterday towards the "what are we doing here?" He has now suggested a weekend get together so they can "get to know each other" again! She lives far away from us. They haven't made any concrete plans/ dates yet.

So basically as far as I'm concerned my marriage is over! Tbh, I've been unhappy for a while but didn't feel I could "justify" ending the marriage without a "good" reason 😞 we have 3 dc together and the youngest is only 9 months old.

I'm thinking of holding out to see what arrangements they make and having his bags packed for him when he returns from get together. But its really hard pretending everything is fine in the meantime. This will be ended one way or another, there is no doubt about that but dying to work out in my head the best way to deal with it all.

Thanks for reading, sorry it's so long.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/08/2018 10:04

So did you read him the riot act last night?

woodhill · 07/08/2018 10:07

Could you talk to dh first and confront him. You have 3 young dc and it must be awful for you. He's about to make a mistake

Fluffycloudland77 · 07/08/2018 10:17

Which he'll make at some point.

One of my dh's work mates has ended/started every relationship with an affair. He cheated on his wife and was forgiven several times until their lives together were intolerable.

So he left her for an older woman who had had been widowed early and a fully paid off house & nest egg. Their engaged now.

GummyGoddess · 07/08/2018 10:30

Screen shots in a safe place he can't destroy them?

MistressDeeCee · 07/08/2018 10:39

I would quickly and quietly get legal advice for now, whilst making sure all my papers are in order. As satisfying as it may feel (at the time) to go in all guns blazing, throw him and his stuff out etc - forewarned is forearmed in a cheat's case, don't think for a moment he won't try to mess you up and cover his own arse immediately, and that could include financially.

I wouldn't give it a long timeframe though as he's a creep and you deserve better than that

jelly449 · 07/08/2018 10:45

I don't think confronting him is the answer. He's already made a mistake by messaging this woman and planning the meet up. The damage is already done.

I'm uncertain as to wether they will actually meet though, the ow seems to be up for it one minute and not the next and I do hope for her sake that she will come to her senses and call it off - otherwise she is partly to blame for a break up of a family.

He however has made it clear he wants to meet. That's it, it would be over for me.

So I'd let him do what he wants tbh. Confronting him now won't make any difference. If the ow does back out, he will almost certainly go looking for it somewhere else as he's got a taste for it now and the really sad excitement that it brings. He probably won't care who he's meeting, it will be more about the thrill of the meet - and it's disgusting.

HannahnotAgnes · 07/08/2018 11:18

Just read your full thread Op - all a bit shit really but hope you get yourself sorted & it's as pain free as possible. Thanks

Aimarge · 07/08/2018 13:38
Flowers
yetmorecrap · 07/08/2018 14:07

OP, Wishing you well xx

lapenguin · 07/08/2018 14:10

What's your plan of action now?

Tinkobell · 07/08/2018 14:49

If when the time comes OP, he tries to dig his heels in at the house ....,,I think you have to say that you've the moral well-being of your DC's to consider; that you're not prepared to lie to them about what their DD is up to...so best he goes and conducts his sleeze some place else.

Changedname220 · 07/08/2018 14:57

Think I would say nothing and orchestrate a situation where you are away for the night with kids yourself soon. Tell him oh next Thursday I am staying at my mums or such and such place . Tell him with plenty of time for him to try and arrange something with her and then hit him with it

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 07/08/2018 15:04

I’m so sorry OP. Whatever you decide to do, just remember The Script: if you confront him now he will try to convince you that you’re overreacting, that he was just meeting up with an old friend, that you’re jealous and possessive and a total nightmare, and no wonder he wanted to meet up with another woman when he gets so much grief at home, blah blah blah.

Don’t doubt yourself: you know what you’ve seen and you know what he’s planning!

CrabbityRabbit · 07/08/2018 16:09

What a nightmare. You are doing well not to pillow him in his sleep. Dirty fucker. Angry

meowimacat · 07/08/2018 17:57

OP is there any chance he has done this before? Has he had any 'nights away' over the last few years that could have been similar. I know you've checked his messages this time, but if he's reached out with all his exes on Facebook and deleted messages then clearly he is trying his luck. It's vile and you are doing the right thing in kicking him out. I'm just hardly surprised if he hasn't already done this before.
You deserve better and you know that. If he goes through with it I'd have his bags at his mums and text him while he's away to ruin his 'fun' xx

Annabelle4 · 07/08/2018 17:59

What a creep Angry

You're doing so well to be so calm and focused Flowers

Original poster
shitsabouttogetserious · 07/08/2018 20:41

I think I'm going to wait it out and see if he goes through with the meet up because it'll just make the break up so much easier iyswim. He'll have absolutely no comeback and it'll make it much easier to harden myself to excuses. It's gonna be hard to keep it in and pretend everything's fine in the meantime for the next 4 weeks but I'm gonna give it a go. There's always a chance I'll lose my shit at some point before then and if that happens so be it.

I'm slightly terrified for the future but I've always known I can cope by myself practically and with the kids etc. It's just the financial uncertainty I'm not looking forward to.

OP posts:
Original poster
shitsabouttogetserious · 07/08/2018 20:44

Why's really sad is that until recently I would have said my dh would never ever cheat. That he just wasnt that kind of man 🙄 just shows you.

It's a real eye opener. He's actually sitting messaging her on his laptop right now while I'm sat in the room 😳 he's so brazen about it it's unreal.

OP posts:
Original poster
shitsabouttogetserious · 07/08/2018 20:45

"What's really sad" that should have read

OP posts:
Original poster
shitsabouttogetserious · 07/08/2018 20:46

I also want to say thanks to everyone who's taken the time to respond on this thread. Everyone's been so supportive and it's really meant a lot to me Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
shitsabouttogetserious · 07/08/2018 20:47

Oh, and the screenshots are stored in 3 different clouds with originals deleted from my phone so I don't accidentally swipe onto them when showing pictures of the kids to people 😂😂

OP posts:
whattimeislove · 07/08/2018 20:50

You're doing well OP.

Sorry I can't remember if you've had legal advice yet. If not, go and get a free half hour so you know where you stand with everything.

Original poster
shitsabouttogetserious · 07/08/2018 20:56

Meowimacat- not that I know of. He hasn't had the most active social life over the course of our relationship. A lot of his friends have spread far and wide over the years and we usually visit/socialise as a couple when they visit or we visit them. There was one night out about 2 years ago and I think something may have happened then that's given him a taste for something that he's now chasing. That was when my spidey senses started tingling and I've kinda been keeping an eye on him since then but even then, for a long time there was nothing to write home about until now.

OP posts:
Tinkobell · 07/08/2018 21:00

Hang in there girl 💐 He soooo doesn't deserve you. Revenge is a dish best served cold, bide you're time and turf the git out....no cases, bin liners. You're a nice lady he's a tosser, good luck will come your way in time!

Tinkobell · 07/08/2018 21:04

If you think he's online to her now....just pop over to the internet hub and briefly pull it out and reconnect.....gauge his reaction! 😂 Weathers a bid dodgy tonight ...could be messing with the web right?!

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