Husband is planning an affair

[shitsabouttogetserious]

A couple of weeks ago I discovered my husband was chatting through fb messenger to an ex of his from his teenage years. It was pretty innocuous stuff mostly although he was a bit too complimentary/creepy for my liking so I decided to keep an eye on it. I didn't say anything to him cos I didn't want to alert him that I had access to his messages. Last weekend she called him out on his intentions with her and he was all like "I have responsibilities I can't just walk away from" and she was all "fair enough, let's just leave it at that then and stop talking before things go any further". At this point I'm thinking, ok, he's pushed his luck but when push came to shove he couldn't take it further, no harm done, right? But then he messaged her back and said if she ever changed her mind and wanted to meet up and "test the spark" to let him know 😳 the fucker just basically asked for a no strings affair right? She didn't reply to this and he then deleted the whole convo (just as well I have screenshots then😁) things were quiet for a few days and I tried to forget it all happened but it all ramped up again over last 2 days when she initiated a friendly conversation again which then took a turn yesterday towards the "what are we doing here?" He has now suggested a weekend get together so they can "get to know each other" again! She lives far away from us. They haven't made any concrete plans/ dates yet.

So basically as far as I'm concerned my marriage is over! Tbh, I've been unhappy for a while but didn't feel I could "justify" ending the marriage without a "good" reason 😞 we have 3 dc together and the youngest is only 9 months old.

I'm thinking of holding out to see what arrangements they make and having his bags packed for him when he returns from get together. But its really hard pretending everything is fine in the meantime. This will be ended one way or another, there is no doubt about that but dying to work out in my head the best way to deal with it all.

Thanks for reading, sorry it's so long.

The only reason he's sobbing is because he got caught.
Remember he will give you "the script". You already knew your marriage was in trouble, & although he may beg for a 2nd chance, & for the sake of your DC you may have an easier conscience if try.
Just remember, only 24 hrs ago, he was messaging sat across the room from you. & had you not found the phone his quest for an OW/New Partenr would be ongoing

OP I'm in awe of you

I think I would just repeatedly ask him how you're ever supposed to trust him again and how you can stay married to someone when you will be wondering if every text or FB message is from another "target". There isn't really a comeback to that.

Please don’t weaken op.

Can I just say

Everybody on this thread has been sooooo supportive and I really appreciate it.

Thank you so much to everybody who's taken the time to respond.

I'm ok with the in laws watching the kids tbh. I trust them and It means they won't be around while I talk to dh at least. The 2 younger ones are too young for any lobbying. Hopefully they'll behave themselves with the 10yo and keep it neutral.

Yes I definitely need to stick to the trust issues when talking to him tomorrow. I will want to rant and rave about other stuff and tell him what a god awful husband he has been in other ways, but then I'll be bombarded with promises of change and improvement.

But there's no coming back from the trust thing.

Exactly. It's like "I'll never do it again!" "Well, you said you wouldn't cheat when we got married so..."

Good luck tomorrow OP. You've been amazingly strong all the way through so I'm sure you will be tomorrow. You know your mind is made up and that you'll be happier once things have settled. Just keep your new life in mind xx

This is the thing OP. I think if your marriage had otherwise been very good then maybe, just maybe, it might have been worth trying to work through this. But you said yourself in your first post that you have been unhappy for a while. This whole OW thing is really just the final straw. So I think just keep that in mind when you do talk to him. You are totally right to just focus on the trust issue with him though.

Just don’t let him tie you up in knots trying to “explain” your self. It’s enough that the trust is gone, the marriage is over. There is no onus on you to provide a list of “acceptable” reasons why you won’t take him back. Also, you are free to end the discussion at any time. Don’t feel bad for even one second. He has brought this on himself. Good luck

I don’t think there’s any harm in mentioning all the other stuff. In fact I think you should.
You said at the start of the thread that there were lots of issues which were making you want to leave, I would mention them and say they were making you question your relationship but you were willing to work at the marriage. But his latest behaviour is unforgivable and you will never trust him again.

He needs to know the full extent of his twattery.

How are you doing, Shitsabout?

Hope you're OK. Will be thinking about you tomorrow having the chat with STBXH. Also hope DS 10 is managing OK, and your younger DCs, too, of course.

Strength & for tomorrow.

Well done you!

Don't let him talk you round. He will never change.

When someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them.

OP you are handling this brilliantly! For what it's worth I agree your instinct to keep it simple and remain focused on the trust issue. Have a few stock phrases and just keep repeating them. The more you say and the more detail you give, the more he has to reply to and the longer he can drag it out.

Good luck. Your nest of vipers are all here behind you

Yes, good luck. And if you feel yourself getting flustered with what you want to say or scared of the confrontation just imagine every one of us Mumsnetters waving banners and dancing behind you cheering you on with our middle fingers up at him

OMG he must be exhausted from all the back pedalling he's doing.

Just remember how you felt when you found those messages if you feel yourself weakening.

You've got this .

Write everything you want to say to him down so you can keep looking at it.

Hi OP,
Similar thing happened to me but in my case it was my wife having the affair (four years when I found out).
I don't understand a lot of the previous threads as they seem to glory in the breakdown of your marriage and your family which is sad.
But it is YOUR LIFE, not the people who post on here, do what you feel is best for you.
Having been through it I would say.

1. Kids will/should always come first, no matter how much things hurt and trust me at times they will.
2. If you are sure the marriage is over, and you sort of indicated that by your suspicions IE hacking into his messenger and the hidden bank account before he did anything then you best move forward.
3. If not then you two have a lot of work to do but if you really do still love him that's your choice not ours. It is up to you to make yourself happy. 4)If not Work with him on the split, you BOTH have NOTHING to gain by bitching between solicitors. It is costly and pointless.
4. You will have ups and downs, rely on friends for support, proper friends not us on here. Speak to them and focus on the positives, new life for you etc. . Best of luck OP, remain calm, things will get better it just takes time.

Hi mark797 there is some good advice in your post. Sorry for what you've been through.

I can really only speak for myself, though from reading the thread, I suspect a lot of posters feel the same as I do.

Personally, there are so many threads on mn where marriages have broken down through cheating, and oftentimes the person who hasn't cheated sort of falls apart - understandably!

I haven't glorified the breakdown of Shitsabout's marriage. My admiration for her isn't because she's ending it, it's because she has the strength & resolve to follow her heart, and do what she wants to do, rather than thinking she has to stick around & put up with this shit. Furthermore, she's done it all with dignity, and a level head, and hasn't even slagged him off.

If she wanted to work it out, in my head I would be but would respect her for working it out if that's what she thought was right for her.

It's OK to lose it, to feel that you can't cope, to want to make it work..lots of people do try & waste years finding out that they should have ended it when the infidelity was discovered. Other marriages come through & survive, even flourish.

The in laws saying he's a blubbering mess? Send them the screenshots and tell them how he was sending those messages whilst sat in the same room as you.
If only he would've thought about the consequences at the time, but they never think they'll get caught I suppose.

I don’t think anybody is glorying in the breakdown of OPs marriage! As arsenal said, we all admire her strength and dignity. Many of us have also said that OP needs to seek RL support. But we’re not going to stop being here for her! I feel sad every time I read a thread here where a partner has cheated or acted in some other way that is a deal breaker. There are 3 kids involved, it’s a really sad situation. But...OP’s husband has broken the trust. He planned to have sex with another woman and had even told OP about potentially needing to be away for the night, so he had his story ready. She deserves better. Much better. So yes we are going to be on her side all the way.

Hope everything goes as smoothly as they can today OP

His parents are desperately trying to turn back the clock so everything can go back to normal. Problem is you are moving on to a new normal. They just need to catch up.

As pp said the enormity of his actions have now landed on his head and he's facing the consequences. He's frightened, embarrassed and insecure. As you say soon will come anger so just be prepared.

Well said @mark797. Thinking of you OP, you seem like a very grounded head screwed on kinda lady. Wishing you well and luck!

Good luck for today OP. Thinking of you.

I have been following your thread op, I don’t have anything useful to add that hasn’t already been said but if I was in your shoes I wouldn’t take him back.

My ex cheated on me and we decided to stay together and work through it, but it only lasted a couple of months and we split for good. I just couldn’t trust him anymore. I questioned everything he did and wanted to see his phone. I made myself ill with the stress and decided it was no way to live.

I feel so sorry for you op. It’s a shit place to be.

Good luck today OP 💖