Husband is planning an affair

[shitsabouttogetserious]

A couple of weeks ago I discovered my husband was chatting through fb messenger to an ex of his from his teenage years. It was pretty innocuous stuff mostly although he was a bit too complimentary/creepy for my liking so I decided to keep an eye on it. I didn't say anything to him cos I didn't want to alert him that I had access to his messages. Last weekend she called him out on his intentions with her and he was all like "I have responsibilities I can't just walk away from" and she was all "fair enough, let's just leave it at that then and stop talking before things go any further". At this point I'm thinking, ok, he's pushed his luck but when push came to shove he couldn't take it further, no harm done, right? But then he messaged her back and said if she ever changed her mind and wanted to meet up and "test the spark" to let him know 😳 the fucker just basically asked for a no strings affair right? She didn't reply to this and he then deleted the whole convo (just as well I have screenshots then😁) things were quiet for a few days and I tried to forget it all happened but it all ramped up again over last 2 days when she initiated a friendly conversation again which then took a turn yesterday towards the "what are we doing here?" He has now suggested a weekend get together so they can "get to know each other" again! She lives far away from us. They haven't made any concrete plans/ dates yet.

So basically as far as I'm concerned my marriage is over! Tbh, I've been unhappy for a while but didn't feel I could "justify" ending the marriage without a "good" reason 😞 we have 3 dc together and the youngest is only 9 months old.

I'm thinking of holding out to see what arrangements they make and having his bags packed for him when he returns from get together. But its really hard pretending everything is fine in the meantime. This will be ended one way or another, there is no doubt about that but dying to work out in my head the best way to deal with it all.

Thanks for reading, sorry it's so long.

"Daddy is gone to stay with granny and won't be living with us any more?"

Don't leave your 10 yr old thinking there's any hope of dad coming home to live. Reassure him that he will still see dad but in dad's new home.

I've gone with "Dads at grans for now and beyond that nobody is really sure what's happening but rest assured that everything will be fine and we both still love you".

Nice one OP

Well done op no need to go into details with D.C. at the moment

Well done, OP. How are you feeling today?

I've agreed to see dh face to face tomorrow while the in laws watch the kids. Can't put it off forever I suppose and I'm getting pestered by the in laws to speak to him. Apparently he's a blubbering wreck over at theirs 🙄

Just reading your thread. No advice but just want to say well done on being so strong and I wish you well. Some men just don't know what they've got until it's gone!

A blubbering wreck is what he deserves to be - what posses them, sheez - they have shit for brains.
Wishing you strength, op, it's going to be a tough few months.

He should have thought of all this before he kept trying to shag other women. What time are you seeing him?

Stay strong. He’s blubbering away because he’s been caught out and he didn’t even get a shag out of it. Poor ole him, huh?

He brought this on himself. Desperately plotting to betray you over a long period of time.

Respect to you for how you’re handling it all.

He’s a mess because in the cold hard light of day he’s realised he’s thrown away everything for the chance of a quick fuck. Tough shit!

You are one strong women OP.

Hats off to you 💐

Urgh. I'd postpone seeing him until you are readying you should do this on your terms, not on his. He's a selfish prick who has got his own terms for too long. Stay strong and you are amazing!!! Xx

Just wanted to say stay strong and well done!

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP, but I'm very grateful for this thread because it has opened my eyes to some seriously shitty behaviour on the part of someone in my life (not my DP, so I haven't that to deal with).

So OP, stay strong and keep his cheaty ass at a good safe distance. Preferably with something sharp and pointy.

Stay STRONG! He wasn't bothered when he was chasing another woman. Don't let him guilt trip you.

Wasn't blubbering when he was arranging his shagathon was he. Maybe remind him about that.

He's a blubbering wreck?!?!!! Nice to hear he's concerned re how you're doing... honestly what a selfish turd.

Don’t let him make it all about him. You’ve been so strong so far, continue to be strong. He’s weak. Good luck.

Make a list of notes to take along re seeing the kids, financial split, getting house valued etc and STICK TO IT.
He is going to go all out in promising you the world on a stick to get you back in your box, but remember, he is a liar and a cheat, pure and simple. You cannot believe a word he says and his respect for you (messaging ow when sat next to you ffs!!) Is absolute zero. He is not a bit guilty at the level of deceit and emotional agony he has caused you, he is just sorry for himself because he is just a selfish twat.

Be armed with details of how the separation and divorce is going to be and that is his problem to deal with.

And just in case no-one said in real life, YOU ARE FREAKIN AWESOME!!

Just a note of caution, if the in laws are offering to mind the children, will they use that time to lobby for their son?
You're a bloody marvel by the way, stay strong.

Can't add anything more - you have been amazing. I get when you make a decision you stick to it and plan for the future. When I split from my first husband I made the decision there was no going back but my mom and friends were devastated that we were splitting and drove me mad trying to get us back together- in the end said in no uncertain terms that he'll would freeze over before we were getting back together! They eventually backed off. Best wishes.

He's blubbering because he's having to face the consequences of his own actions.

He chose to go looking for something else, he is now realising that his choices are going to cost him his family.

I would leave your children with your own mum or a friend instead if you have that option. The inlaws will be putting this on you if you don't have him back, along the lines of, 'hopefully mummy will say daddy can go home with you.' You don't need this, and your DC certainly don't.

And frankly, the inlaws need to be told to stay out of it. This is between you and your DH, and you are not going to discuss it with them. You are also not interested in why they think you should give him another chance, or how he is handling it. It's none of their business frankly.

Go with a list, as people have suggested, ofthings that need to be covered: financials, house, visitation, what will be said to the children and what will NOT be said to the children (by him; he is not to put this on you, or threaten to be honest with the children) sensible things you need to discuss when you're splitting up.