Husband is planning an affair

[shitsabouttogetserious]

A couple of weeks ago I discovered my husband was chatting through fb messenger to an ex of his from his teenage years. It was pretty innocuous stuff mostly although he was a bit too complimentary/creepy for my liking so I decided to keep an eye on it. I didn't say anything to him cos I didn't want to alert him that I had access to his messages. Last weekend she called him out on his intentions with her and he was all like "I have responsibilities I can't just walk away from" and she was all "fair enough, let's just leave it at that then and stop talking before things go any further". At this point I'm thinking, ok, he's pushed his luck but when push came to shove he couldn't take it further, no harm done, right? But then he messaged her back and said if she ever changed her mind and wanted to meet up and "test the spark" to let him know 😳 the fucker just basically asked for a no strings affair right? She didn't reply to this and he then deleted the whole convo (just as well I have screenshots then😁) things were quiet for a few days and I tried to forget it all happened but it all ramped up again over last 2 days when she initiated a friendly conversation again which then took a turn yesterday towards the "what are we doing here?" He has now suggested a weekend get together so they can "get to know each other" again! She lives far away from us. They haven't made any concrete plans/ dates yet.

So basically as far as I'm concerned my marriage is over! Tbh, I've been unhappy for a while but didn't feel I could "justify" ending the marriage without a "good" reason 😞 we have 3 dc together and the youngest is only 9 months old.

I'm thinking of holding out to see what arrangements they make and having his bags packed for him when he returns from get together. But its really hard pretending everything is fine in the meantime. This will be ended one way or another, there is no doubt about that but dying to work out in my head the best way to deal with it all.

Thanks for reading, sorry it's so long.

Unless you are absolutely and utterly 100 percent no turning back rock solid certain that you will divorce, do NOT say that to your DC's otherwise they may never believe a word you say again about your relationships. For me, it's all too fast just pace it a little. It would be good OP, if only for your self - respect if the man could show some genuine remorse for his actions. Might not change anything that follows re divorce or whatever, but just as a righteous thing, some remorse and self reproach would be good.....rather than nastiness. My worry with him clinging the kids last night is that he's fearful rather than sorry....perhaps that's reading too much.

I agree with @Mix56..... he's triggered this, he should be there when any explanation is given to the kids. Your parenthood is a joint responsibility and will continue to be so.

I can't say I agree that he should be there. 10 is a difficult age and I'd prefer to tell my 10 year old the easiest and gentlest way i felt was best for them. IF the ex is willing to take full responsibility of the split then by all means he should be there. OR if he's going to put dc before himself and not try brainwash/put his own emotions first then again....yes he should be there.

But if op is doubtful about either of these then I think she should do it herself. She's completely owned this and been amazing. Telling her ds is going to be difficult but at least she can tell him whatever she feels is right for ds. The ex could only confuse things which wouldn't be fair.

Though to start off, I'd just tell ds he's gone to stay with his mum to spend a bit of time with her as casually as possible. Gives op a bit more time to get things clear in her head.

You're just amazing OP

Dad wants to have a girlfriend as well as a wife and obviously that's not OK with you.

i really wouldn't tell your son why you are splitting up. Just take it a step at a time and try and tell the children together. It's too much to load all the emotional baggage onto your son. He just needs to know you will be both be there for him. The details are private between the two of you. He is not old enough to cope with hearing the ins and outs and it will just make everything harder for him. You will be asking him to make a moral judgement about his father at this stage if you tell him why it's happening.

Oh no @Schnitzel....why put any burden on the kids? This is adult stuff.

No no for gods sake don't mention the OW or apportion any blame.

Mum and Dad still want to be best friends but not live together. You are the most important thing in both of our lives. Etc.

I do think OP that things like this are often the straw that breaks the camels back but that there is often a backstory involving disrespect or kindness in other ways, on their own it's not always enough to think 'that's it' but one day something as horrible as this shoves the love over the top if you know what I mean. Even if you are separating, I do think it's best for all parties to take it coolly and be as civil as possible for the sake of future relations , as children involved. I would just say we aren't going to be living together because we aren't happy but your dad will be seeing you lots and we both love you.

OP i’m really happy you bought a new bedspread! When me and my ex broke up I redid my room girly style and it made me so happy! You totally have the right idea 🙂

I agree re your children, keep it very simple and no blame anywhere. Lots of hugs and reassurance. I’m sure you will handle it just as well as you have handled the rest of it.

Every time I start to think about how sorry he appears to be and how easy it would be to take him back and try to work things out

Print this entire thread out, keep it where the kids can't find it and re-read it anytime you have ANY doubts.

Keep going. Congrats on the new bedspread! I don't think you need to tell the kids any details at the mo. Wait until you're in a better head-space then tell them together with the old 'But we'll always both love you guys' schtick. Don't assign blame, as tempting as it is.

You're amazing.

No matter what you do, remember he's the father of your DC and it's best for them if you can have a good amicable coparenting relationship going forwards.

There are many more years ahead where you'll need to come together and discuss matters concerning the DC such as secondary school choices, parent's evenings, health related issues etc

There were a number of drama filled suggestions earlier in the thread...but this is your life...It's your DCs life and it's best to keep it real in order to minimise the impact of the split on them.

What "Growingboys* said.

Hope you get some sleep tonight, OP and that after the chat with your DS you are both OK.

Such a horrible chat to have to have, especially when it's not your fault.

How long do we think it takes before he gets to the angry stage and starts getting nasty?
As soon as he realises his sorry act isn't working and he's not going to just get away with it and carry on as before.

Mum and Dad still want to be best friends but not live together. You are the most important thing in both of our lives. Etc

Please say something like this. Do not say he has another girl friend and you’re getting divorced. It needs to be broken gently to a child and over a period of time.

Don't forget OP that the only reason he didn't actually go through with is because he got caught and also because OW was a bit reticent. The dcs don't need to know the details just that they will still see their dad. Well done for braving it out. It'll get easier even though you can't see that now. You have yr dcs, your freedom and yr dignity in tact. You are a woman that doesn't take any shit and have a lot of respect for yrself.

I've been lurking on this thread, OP, and am so impressed with how strong and resolute you're being about this.

Just please, please don't listen to the fucking awful suggestions to tell your DC things like 'dad wants to have a girlfriend and a wife and can't have both/ dad wants to be with an old girlfriend' etc. I can't believe people are suggesting this. It's not some stupid bloody strategy game or point scoring exercise - this is children's feelings and a huge life upheaval we're talking about, FFS.

You seem incredibly sensible, OP; I hope you can keep your DC out of this and keep things as neutral as possible from their perspective.

[flowers for you - you're well rid of the dickhead.

Be prepared for the kids to be utterly unfazed about it. My two were, and are looking forward to having two houses!

I also went shopping for pretty bedding...

Oh op. I don't have any wise words. But just to say I hope ur well and ur amazing

I think you've handled this awful situation so well. I have so much respect for you. Good luck in the next few days.

You've handled this amaZingly!!

You simply say mummy and daddy both love you very much. You will still see daddy the only difference is daddy lives somewhere else. End of .. Repeat

OP - hope you slept well with your new bedding. Must have been cathartic.

Have you though of the next step:-the divorce. Will you be seeking legal advice, gathering together financial records (and his payslips or copy of employment contract/pension details)?

Upthread it was briefly spoken about when he may get angry. Just concerned if he should try to cut off funds to manipulate you. However, if you have had legal advice is, you could counter with certain legal jargon about what you AND DC are entitled to. Some men see the finances as giving money to you - you only. In the turmoil, they forget its the children's home and stability you’ll be providing AND you have a baby too.

Best of luck today op. Each day will be a big day for a while.

Firstly. OP you rock! Women everywhere with cheating or bad husbands need to read your thread.

Secondly I could have wrote your thread, right down to the falling asleep when. I asked him to leave and refusing to leave because he had nowhere to go, through to living back with his mum and dad (forever I suspect)

When will he get angry! I suspect when shit starts getting real. When papers arrive that forcing him to acknowledge the implications of his behaviour.

Again. So proud of you, and only wish every woman was as strong.