Husband is planning an affair

[shitsabouttogetserious]

A couple of weeks ago I discovered my husband was chatting through fb messenger to an ex of his from his teenage years. It was pretty innocuous stuff mostly although he was a bit too complimentary/creepy for my liking so I decided to keep an eye on it. I didn't say anything to him cos I didn't want to alert him that I had access to his messages. Last weekend she called him out on his intentions with her and he was all like "I have responsibilities I can't just walk away from" and she was all "fair enough, let's just leave it at that then and stop talking before things go any further". At this point I'm thinking, ok, he's pushed his luck but when push came to shove he couldn't take it further, no harm done, right? But then he messaged her back and said if she ever changed her mind and wanted to meet up and "test the spark" to let him know 😳 the fucker just basically asked for a no strings affair right? She didn't reply to this and he then deleted the whole convo (just as well I have screenshots then😁) things were quiet for a few days and I tried to forget it all happened but it all ramped up again over last 2 days when she initiated a friendly conversation again which then took a turn yesterday towards the "what are we doing here?" He has now suggested a weekend get together so they can "get to know each other" again! She lives far away from us. They haven't made any concrete plans/ dates yet.

So basically as far as I'm concerned my marriage is over! Tbh, I've been unhappy for a while but didn't feel I could "justify" ending the marriage without a "good" reason 😞 we have 3 dc together and the youngest is only 9 months old.

I'm thinking of holding out to see what arrangements they make and having his bags packed for him when he returns from get together. But its really hard pretending everything is fine in the meantime. This will be ended one way or another, there is no doubt about that but dying to work out in my head the best way to deal with it all.

Thanks for reading, sorry it's so long.

Ultimately you are not over reacting at all. The only reason it didn’t go ahead is because she said no. Unsurprising that he’s pleading, he knows he’s messed up big time and is now feeling sorry for himself. I think a pp mentioned he wanted to have his cake and eat it too, and now he has no cake at all! I also think regret isn’t the same as remorse. From the sounds of it, he’s sorry he got caught rather than being genuinely sorry. All his whining yesterday about where will I go etc was all about him. Stay strong OP, you are worth a million times better than him!

What did your own DM think about it OP?

shits you are doing great. This is now the hard bit - ignoring the pleading and begging and 'poor me'ing. Stay strong. Glad to see you have real life support; lean hard on whomever you can.

It's bound to have come as a massive shock to his mum tbf. Not making excuses for her and whah she said to you but she will of only heard his side - which let's face it....is a load of bollocks. It's not like he will of said 'mum I've messed up'. It will of been 'but I never actually did anything mum'

Keep being strong, remember wobbles are ok. If you feel you are really struggling....let it all out on here. You've had so many supportive comments and rightly so - they will only continue as so many of us are routing for you x

Not making excuses for her and whah she said to you but she will of only heard his side

I can imagine he said that he'd reconnected with the ex and had been messaging her on FB, I seriously doubt he'd told her that he'd been arranging a meet up, planning to lie about a work do but would only do that if the ex promised him he'd get his leg over.......

@Trinity66 exactly! It will of been he was just talking to an old friend and that was all. Good job op has screen shots....

I agree, at the time your MiL will only have heard his side. He will have denied and minimised all the way to her

You are so much better then me I would have told her when she said A flirtation^ I would have asked how she would feel if her husband was arranging to fuck an ex girlfriend in a hotel while she was at home looking after their children. I'm sorry I don't care that he her son the least she could do be disgusted with him, even though she would be supporting rather then trying to excuse his behaviour.

Probably a lot for the MIL to take in tbh, and she'll be reacting to a half-story. She probably doesn't want him back as she'll have to make up some crap to the neighbour's about why sons home. Also she doesn't know how long for etc......tbh as a mum of a son, it's a situation that we'd all dread. There's no winners in this sorry story are there?
I do hope he gives this situation some serious personal reflection and comtemplates everything he's been so willing to chuck away. He needs space away to do this OP and for events to sink in.

Well done for keeping your head up and sticking to your guns.
I'm amazed by how you've kept your dignity and how you refuse to let him make you a fool.

Let him say what he likes. He knows what he's done and now he has to pay the price. Don't ever let him minimise it.

Also with MIL, don't forget we are talking one generation older and probably an internet frolick prob doesn't sound too bad or even that real ....she may not grasp how real it is.

I know it doesn’t feel like it now but I have a feeling you will look back on this in years to come and think that he actually did you a favour.

You say you’ve been unhappy for a while but didn’t feel like you could end it. I felt the same with my ex, I was utterly miserable but splitting up was just not an option. My ex made me feel like he couldn’t live without me, when in fact I now realise he just couldn’t be on his own.

Like your husband, my ex tried to ‘test the water’ with someone else rather than just splitting up with me when he wasn’t happy. He didn’t even try to hide it and when he came back from his evening with her (having clearly been knocked back) he actually told me that he’d stick with me because ‘I don’t want to be on my own’. At that point I decided it was no longer his decision to make!

Your husband might have been unhappy, like you have been, but he’s been utterly spineless in essentially trying to line up your replacement or explore all his options rather than actually talking to you! I am so angry on your behalf, it’s such utterly cowardly behaviour.

Every time I start to think about how sorry he appears to be and how easy it would be to take him back and try to work things out, I think about some other shitty thing he's done over the years to try and pull myself out of it. I need to stick to the trust being broken thing when I'm talking to him and his parents but there are several other reasons for our relationship failure too as far as I'm concerned. But if I voice them I'll be overwhelmed with promises to be a better dad and husband etc etc etc which will be harder to counter so im sticking to trust issues.

My dm is supportive. She understands why I've done what I've done. I suspect she's been frustrated for a while watching me allow myself to be trod all over in other respects.

How long do we think it takes before he gets to the angry stage and starts getting nasty?

I've gone and bought myself a seriously girly bedspread today 😁 something he would never have liked 😂

Op I can't believe how civil you have been over this.

Ide send his mom the screenshots if it was me so she can see he's feeding her bs

I did offer to show her them 😂 and still might.

So what do I tell my 10yo now?

"Dads gone to grans and I have no intention of letting him sleep under this roof again"

Or

"Dads gone to grans for a few days and I'm not sure what's happening after that yet".

I would be honest. Mummy and Daddy don't want to be together anymore and are getting a divorce. Reassure him it isn't his fault etc. Best to avoid false hope. I think you're amazing btw!

You need X to be there when you tell Ds. He needs to shoulder the blame, see what he has done, and so later, ds doesn't say its your fault Daddy has gone.
X will reassure he loves ds & will see him often etc...

I agree about not giving false hope. I'd give them a watered down, child friendly version.

Buying new bedspread was a great idea!
Buy some nice candles and new bath stuff and treat yourself!

@shits......I'd do it a step at a time with the kids. Just start with dads away for a while, we are working things out. This doesn't weaken any resolve in anyway, it's just softening it for the kids. It'll be hard enough for them anyway in time.
You allude to a lot of history that we know nothing of. I found your DH's reaction of clinging his kids last night very telling.....maybe he wants to be a decent dad but he just can't be a decent husband to you. I know it feels like his actions have driven a wedge in the family but you gotta separate love for kids and love for each other. Sounds like your mum can see you do deserve way better from a husband OP.
He'll get nasty as soon as he realises that he can't win you back, that's when because at that point he will just be trying to fight his own corner.
So sorry OP big big hugs darling xxxxxx

See I don't want to tell 10yo the full details of ow etc. At least not right now. Maybe when he's older but it doesn't seem appropriate for now.

Dads decided he doesn't want to be married to me anymore??

I agree completely. If you can bare to the best thing from child psychology perspective is to say we still love each other but just want to be friends (though not in cases of abuse of course). Though feels so unfair

Some good resources online:
www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-separation-and-divorce/talking-about-separation/telling-children

Tell children the truth. Dad met an old girlfriend he liked. I don't think he will be back as he can't be with two ladies at once. You'll still see him on and can call him when you want.

Also talk to them about your emotions and let them know it's ok to feel sad and angry because you do too.

You're amazing! Xx