Husband is planning an affair

[shitsabouttogetserious]

A couple of weeks ago I discovered my husband was chatting through fb messenger to an ex of his from his teenage years. It was pretty innocuous stuff mostly although he was a bit too complimentary/creepy for my liking so I decided to keep an eye on it. I didn't say anything to him cos I didn't want to alert him that I had access to his messages. Last weekend she called him out on his intentions with her and he was all like "I have responsibilities I can't just walk away from" and she was all "fair enough, let's just leave it at that then and stop talking before things go any further". At this point I'm thinking, ok, he's pushed his luck but when push came to shove he couldn't take it further, no harm done, right? But then he messaged her back and said if she ever changed her mind and wanted to meet up and "test the spark" to let him know 😳 the fucker just basically asked for a no strings affair right? She didn't reply to this and he then deleted the whole convo (just as well I have screenshots then😁) things were quiet for a few days and I tried to forget it all happened but it all ramped up again over last 2 days when she initiated a friendly conversation again which then took a turn yesterday towards the "what are we doing here?" He has now suggested a weekend get together so they can "get to know each other" again! She lives far away from us. They haven't made any concrete plans/ dates yet.

So basically as far as I'm concerned my marriage is over! Tbh, I've been unhappy for a while but didn't feel I could "justify" ending the marriage without a "good" reason 😞 we have 3 dc together and the youngest is only 9 months old.

I'm thinking of holding out to see what arrangements they make and having his bags packed for him when he returns from get together. But its really hard pretending everything is fine in the meantime. This will be ended one way or another, there is no doubt about that but dying to work out in my head the best way to deal with it all.

Thanks for reading, sorry it's so long.

I am full of admiration for you, you have been so calm and strong.

Nice one OP, although I am sure you are probably in complete inner turmoil. If I have learnt one thing it’s that those who take no nonsense seem to in the end to come out of things better, I used to be very much a people pleaser and went along with stuff, easygoing And liberal, these days not so much so, just got me crapped on

I’ve just sat and read the full thread and I think you are bloody amazing. You’ve handled this amazing and with dignity. It’s strange to say I’m proud of a stranger from the internet but I am proud of you and you should be very proud of how you’ve handled this.

It’s on threads like these that I think mumsnet is at its best.

I'm glad he's gone, but brace yourself. It's not going to be that easy ... he's going to beg. Prepare yourself.

So sorry, OP.

You are such a brave lady. Good luck for the future.

He’s quite capable of working out how to book a hotel when he wants to shag his ex but all of a sudden he’s not able to now?

sexnotgender this is amusing (depressing and accurate) but amusing!

I bet his mum wouldn't be calling it a flirtation if it was you exhanhing those messages and planning a dirty weekend with another man.

Wow.. what a snivelling little turd your husband is. A total cliche with all the usual lines and bullshit.

Well done op.. you seem switched on and a quality woman.. keep going. You'll look back on this and breathe a sigh of relief that you list this baggage from your life.

X

I bet his mum wouldn't be calling it a flirtation if it was you exhanhing those messages and planning a dirty weekend with another man.

I would put that to her if she tries to defend him again. Ask her if you were active soliciting old boyfriends to meet up and have sex, and lying about work trips to do it, would she be defending it as a bit of 'flirtation' if your DH found out.

Did his parents live nearby?
If you have boxed it up I’d be inclined to ask a friend to drop more round at his parents or for them to sit with the kids for an hour while you do it.

The whole thing with the mother is a disgrace - both the minimising and getting her to do the dirty work.
And his behaviour/attempts to date to “fix” his idiocy is frankly pathetic.
You in the other hand have been magnificent - hang in there!

Well done OP

Even now he's only thinking of himself and not listening to what I want or need

My thoughts exactly, OP! You have been an absolute rock start through all of this. His mother should be ashamed of herself for minimising and defending his behavior.

*rock star

You rock.

Well done, you are being very strong and dignified. I remember when my partner had ONS my mil telling me he had just made a silly mistake, it was nothing, I was over reacting,she was rewlybwuite cruel.

Sadly 4 years later FIL did the exact same thing, it wasn't so silly when it happened to her. She did apologise for those words though. Hope you and your children get through this and move on as painlessly as possible don't care about your STBXH he deserves no sympathy.

OP you are ACE. This thread should be used an example of how to remain strong and dignified in the face of a cheating twat (and his mother!)

I hope you're okay op, and the kids too.

I echo what the others have said about it wouldn't be 'a silly flirtation' if you'd done it.

You are amazing OP xx

💪🏼

I’m inclined to think that the mother put it that way because that’s what he told her. I mean he’s hardly going to admit to his mum that he was actively seeking sex! Hence why OP needed to set her straight. So I don’t think his mum is at fault here. Also, from the sounds of it, once OP did tell her, she backed off.

I am so glad for you that he’s gone. It must be a huge relief. As others have said, you have handled this amazingly and we are all in awe of you! It’s true that so many women would have swept this under the carpet and just carried on and your strength just shines through. You probably do need a damn good cry now and I hope you have someone with you to help you through this. It probably all feels pretty shit right now but it’s clear from the type of person you are that you will get through this and be happy again. He, on the other hand, will spend every day regretting what he’s lost. Which is what he deserves!

My mum has been over this afternoon and I have friends coming over tomorrow. I'm still a bit shell shocked. He has sent me a pleading txt 🙄 the first of many I'm sure. It definitely isn't sinking in how serious this is. I suspect I'm going to be made to feel like I'm over reacting a lot over the next while.

Im not too upset with mil, tbf i do think she was just going on what he'd said and I do believe that he'll be getting hell from his parents over this. His mum is generally lovely but let's face it, he's her son so ultimately she will forgive him and she doesn't want to see us split up. But it's not her choice 😕

If people make you feel like you’re overreacting then they are no friends of yours. You have not overreacted in the slightest.

If the pressure comes from him then perhaps let him know that whilst it wouldn’t be your first choice that you’re happy to share your screenshots of him actively pursuing another woman for sex?

Oh I bet he told his DM that he had just been chatting with an old flame & nothing had actually happened. The reality is much different & I hope the OP has pointed it out to her. I get the impression that the extwat & his mother haven’t quite grasped the seriousness of the situation.

Glad you are getting some real life support.

You have not over-reacted, you have gone about sorting yourself out calmly and with great dignity.

Ask him to leave you in peace for a few days to let the dust settle. Block him temporarily if need be. Tell him you will contact him at the weekend about getting the rest of his stuff/discussing access arrangements re: DC.

OP - you've done so well booting him out. Clearly there is some back-story to this recent turn of events since your opening thread and I sincerely wish that you and your DH can in time find a happier ongoing track - whatever that maybe, for the sakes of your DC's. As far as you're aware is this his first cheat-attempt? I'm not making light of the two-faced b*st!rds bare faced guilt and clearly he's ripped apart any trust between you. Would you believe anything he says on the matter? He's clearly a proficient deceiver.....tough one.